The lockdown effect!

[SammyB]

@daddiodom I am sorry you have had that experience, I can truthfully say when I joined initially three years ago that wasn’t how everyone was greeted and treated

Of course there is always going to be certain chat etiquette we all need to learn no matter the space or site ... there are still some lovely people in chat and many have spoken on this thread here today . I have counted at least 6 that use the forum and I can honestly say each and everyone one of them are a pleasure to talk and always share their knowledge and experiences

[Kinkycouple808]

This is spot on and the reason I stop going in the chat room they are unbelievably clicky. You Lillyth are always one of the few who would actually say hello to newbies in the chat.

[Carnelian2]

@Lillyth@sweet***sub I am sure others have said the same on lurkers. I have been in chats before - long before this site came up and also once or twice here. It is a bit like walking into a pub with a bunch of regulars or people who just talk about general things with everyone.
I don't really engage in small-talk nor do I particularly wish to be in an environment where you have to fight for attention as my impression of any chat-room is.

For that reason, I do not use them. Yes, I might lose out on connections but they do tend to find me one way or another; or I somehow find them.
As for the atmosphere or hostility; I don't know but the pandemic is an additional dimension that adds a lot of anxiety and *** to people, and I expect that many don't know how to react to this, so some become even more withdrawn and others become louder and more aggressive.

[Ro****]

Very well written

[qu****]

I've often thought the chatroom was a bit like Royston Vasey, all that missing is the ubiquitous "Are you Local, This is a local room for local people".....

[Qu****]

Well said!

Totally agree with you - I very rarely go in chat now as I don’t feel it’s the welcoming and warm place it used to be 

[Lillyth]

3 hours ago, DanDan1357 said:

The chat is completely unwelcoming to new people, I have been in the chat and trying to join in the conversation and it’s a group that use it to talk to themselves and them alone. I don’t know about the toxic aspect of it but that does not surprise me.

Hi Dan, I'm so sorry that this has been your experience. I can only assure you that there are a few of us that would have done our best to make you welcome and not left out.

[Lillyth]

3 hours ago, SPANK135 said:

Ive tried going to chat and end up leaving as I feel its just a group of friends chatting amongst themselves. It doesn't feel welcoming at all in my opinion

Hi Spank, as with Dan I'm sorry that you felt this way. I wish it were different and always strive to make everyone feel welcome. 

[Lillyth]

3 hours ago, TAROTT said:

I always feel like the new boy who falls over entering the classroom half way through the term .It’s a shame that the sensitivity we crave from others isn’t given in return. Would it be wrong to say that bitchy communication helps no one ?

No Tarott, it is not wrong at all in my opinion. I feel exactly the same. If you respond in kind to rudeness, ***, bitchyness, then nothing will change or improve.

[Lillyth]

3 hours ago, Wrightbj said:

I definitely like the smaller chat rooms better. It seems like they are not as busy and can seem more welcoming to new people!

I'm glad that your experience in the other rooms has been more positive, thank you for sharing this.

[Lillyth]

2 hours ago, Moon-4024 said:

Lot of people won’t talk to you! If you haven’t talk to them on chat ? But to talk to them there it’s impossible 🙈

Yes, I understand that some people prefer to make friends in chat first before moving the conversation to a more private and personal level, but as you said, if you are not made ti feel welcome how can you achieve this? I'm sorry to hear this.

[Deleted Member]

5 minutes ago, Lillyth said:

Hi Dan, I'm so sorry that this has been your experience. I can only assure you that there are a few of us that would have done our best to make you welcome and not left out.

Lillyth you have nothing to apologise for, I bet the majority of people are nice and welcoming but a lot of the regulars just want to talk to their friends and if a newbie tries to chat, they make it seem like you’re inconveniencing them being there. 

[Lillyth]

2 hours ago, Bounty said:

I've been in chat a fair bit recently, mainly BDSM lovers and seen how some of the newbies act and how the regulars react.

 

An example... 

When someone comes into Bdsm Lovers, where the chat rules state to please adhere to etiquette and protocols like you would if out in your local dungeon/bdsm club, and then proceed to hit on someone's submissive in front of them often without even saying hi, and if they do, they address someone like, let's say, "MistressWhoever" as "who", it's not surprising if they get short shrift.

 

The only rudeness is from the rejected reprimanded rather than the disrespected members.

 

Or the newbies that come in mid convo and declare that they want this and that from anybody. Give out contact details, or promote their account or the ones that want to meet/hook up.

 

I've seen members been told to "fuck off" When they've politely asked to be addressed by their title (Mistress, Sir, Madam, whatever it is)

 

Newbies are greeted and welcomed in BDSM Lovers. Treated with respect despite getting a lot of *** and/Or disrespect from some of them.

Newbies messaging submissives despite being asked not to and told to "shut up and why are they in a chatroom if they won't PM with men"

 

I've only ever seen the regulars be helpful and welcoming with the odd gripe whereas I see more newbies being ignorant at best, downright rude and "entitled"

 

People are frustrated, bored, locked in with the pandemic, and horny.... coming onto a fetish site expecting to be instantly gratified.

 

All that said, there have been a fair few newbies that have made the effort to get to know people, learn about how everybody's dynamics work. Or just come in to chat rather than use it as free porn.

 

I've fast made some good friends in there, some I'll likely meet up with, maybe even play with and was always welcomed and included.

 

Thank you for taking the time to share your experiences Bounty.

I can't comment toon much on the other rooms as I don't go in very often. 

I think my point was only to consider how we go about speaking to new people when advising them of some of the possible faux pas. To reprimand someone, in my experience has been done in nasty ways and resulted in half the room soon jumping on the band wagon which is bound to result in a negative response. There will always be trolls and extremes of rudeness, however I just ignore or would block if completely out of order. That way everyone can enjoy their experience without the whole room having a negative atmosphere.

I have seen people get aggressive when faced with rejection and have also witnessed extreme rudeness from so called experienced regulars from the get go.

I also would never tell anyone to 'fuck off' when asked to address someone by their preferred title, however I would absolutely decline this request as I would never use a title for anyone other than my Dom.

I'm really glad you have made some fantastic friends and really appreciate you sharing your experiences. I hope that things can improve for everyone.

Edited January 21, 2021 by Lillyth

[Aquarius_Dom]

We were all new once ! 
We all tried to join in chats often without a thought of the dynamics in the room ! 
However being brutal with newcomers reflects badly on both the people and the site ! 
Wherever people gather cliques are formed , you don’t have to be in chat long to see them and once one of them disparages a newcomers they all follow suit ! 
Yes there are will wavers and scammers and idiots that try and gate crash the room but natural selection and a keen eyed Mod should ensure they don’t reign for long ! 
Chat should be warm welcoming and friendly! Not constant Waltons moments or noob bashing ! 

[Deleted Member]

10 hours ago, quietlysure said:

Unfortunately this problem repeatedly occurs, and you're not the only one to find this, also I'm afraid to say it's nothing to do with the lockdown, it's been happening long before covid, that's one of the reasons I stopped using
chat

It is true and it’s also why I come and leave the site when it gets too toxic. I have tried by best when I see that to let others know that’s not okay what their doing to others and sometimes I do get the downfall of that. it’s unfortunate more people stay quiet and see how others get treated unfairly and extended of standing up and saying it’s not okay.

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, SammyB said:

Evening Lily lovely , well
I can honestly say you have written everything i have repeatedly said over the last year

It has been highlighted in the forum yet we still have the same problem . I have spoken out both in chat and in forum when those behaviours you described have continued

It’s not fair on newbies at all And certainly many of the “old regs” like you and I are backing off and not interacting as regularly as we did

Thank you for raising the topic but sadly I don’t think those who are the culprits won’t read and see themselves in what you have described

I personally think the site need to take action because it isn’t a friendly welcoming safe space that it used to be

Sadly it is no longer a place where people can learn because some of the characters who are deemed or seen to be experienced and knowledgeable really are not to the point where incorrect information and advice is given .... which for newbies it is very dangerous

Anyway rant over lol
Once again lily as ever it lovely to see you and hear what you have to say and thank you as ever for sharing

One of the things I think, we, the ones that think this way is if we see Injustice to step in and say something to the ones not being nice. The more people stand there and watch people be mean to others the more this people think it’s okay.

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, sweet***sub said:

The lurking corner just keeps growing and it’s full of experienced, kind, welcoming people which is a real shame.
I agree that something needs to be done to put a stop to the toxic atmosphere and make it more welcoming, somewhere everyone feels comfortable chatting rather than it being monopolised by those who seem to take pleasure in making others feel unwelcomed or uncomfortable.
I have to sit on my hands at times when I’m lurking to stop myself outing bad behaviour as I don’t feel it’s my place and also am not one for confrontation.
I know the pandemic has affected my mood, has made me more sensitive but has also made me feel more lonely, which is something I haven’t experienced before so go into chat to have some form of human contact. For the most part I just sit in my corner, lurking and learning (although that has lessened a lot recently).
Maybe the site will take what you’ve said on board Lilly and try to do something positive to improve the atmosphere in chat.
Great subject and I’m hoping all chat users read it and take it on board.

I know what you mean. Unfortunately I can’t stay quiet when I see someone being mean to another one. I think when people are bad and no one say something to them it makes them feel like they can continue doing their bad behavior.

[Deleted Member]

6 hours ago, Old_Grey_Beard said:

We were all new once ! 
We all tried to join in chats often without a thought of the dynamics in the room ! 
However being brutal with newcomers reflects badly on both the people and the site ! 
Wherever people gather cliques are formed , you don’t have to be in chat long to see them and once one of them disparages a newcomers they all follow suit ! 
Yes there are will wavers and scammers and idiots that try and gate crash the room but natural selection and a keen eyed Mod should ensure they don’t reign for long ! 
Chat should be warm welcoming and friendly! Not constant Waltons moments or noob bashing ! 

Unfortunately it is true

[Deleted Member]

10 hours ago, Lillyth said:I also would never tell anyone to 'fuck off' when asked to address someone by their preferred title, however I would absolutely decline this request as I would never use a title for anyone other than my Dom.

I wouldn’t be happy addressing anyone but my own Dom as Sir. The only exception I can conceive to this is if the person concerned was an established and highly respected Dom - a kind of elder statesman figure - whom everyone addressed thus. I don’t even know if that happens in the community. Having said that, someone of that stature wouldn’t be so insecure as to demand that submission and instant respect from everyone who spoke to him. 

[qu****]

I have wondered at times how "genuine" ,errrm let's say the troublesome ones are, are they actually looking to BDSM/kink/fetish as the lifestyles they are, or merely want a "bit of fun" along the lines of fifty shades or any of the multitude of fake pornos now about, there's a difference between dipping a toe in to see where you fit, quite another just joking around, it's through the latter that real problems can occur

[qu****]

25 minutes ago, Lockfairy said:

I wouldn’t be happy addressing anyone but my own Dom as Sir. The only exception I can conceive to this is if the person concerned was an established and highly respected Dom - a kind of elder statesman figure - whom everyone addressed thus. I don’t even know if that happens in the community. Having said that, someone of that stature wouldn’t be so insecure as to demand that submission and instant respect from everyone who spoke to him. 

The name side of things is another matter, just because you're dominant in a relationship of any kind doesn't mean you should expect to be called Sir or Miss by everyone, to most you're just another member, saying that respect should still be shown, the same as all members in chat should be treated with respect, as for a Dom telling you not to talk to their sub then perhaps then perhaps they shouldn't be using a public platform if it's that much of a problem to you, I can understand if your dynamic asks for no private messaging, but in public? Does that mean the sub has to be mute when going to the shops? Or is it that you're not really a Dom, just chauvinistic. Just to say this isn't knocking all Dom's, and perhaps could of been worded better

[Deleted Member]

14 minutes ago, quietlysure said:

The name side of things is another matter, just because you're dominant in a relationship of any kind doesn't mean you should expect to be called Sir or Miss by everyone, to most you're just another member, saying that respect should still be shown, the same as all members in chat should be treated with respect, as for a Dom telling you not to talk to their sub then perhaps then perhaps they shouldn't be using a public platform if it's that much of a problem to you, I can understand if your dynamic asks for no private messaging, but in public? Does that mean the sub has to be mute when going to the shops? Or is it that you're not really a Dom, just chauvinistic. Just to say this isn't knocking all Dom's, and perhaps could of been worded better

No, I think that’s worded just right.

[Wo****]

2 hours ago, quietlysure said:

The name side of things is another matter, just because you're dominant in a relationship of any kind doesn't mean you should expect to be called Sir or Miss by everyone, to most you're just another member, saying that respect should still be shown, the same as all members in chat should be treated with respect, as for a Dom telling you not to talk to their sub then perhaps then perhaps they shouldn't be using a public platform if it's that much of a problem to you, I can understand if your dynamic asks for no private messaging, but in public? Does that mean the sub has to be mute when going to the shops? Or is it that you're not really a Dom, just chauvinistic. Just to say this isn't knocking all Dom's, and perhaps could of been worded better

I only chat in BDSM Lovers. The chat rules state to please adhere to the protocol and etiquette that you would in a club.

The addressing someone by their title. It's not so much calling every Dominant Sir, more using someone's proper title. Like if there was a member called Misstress Spank they'd be addressed as that rather than just Spank. 

 

BDSM Lovers is for members who live the lifestyle, so protocol matters. I've found most regulars in BDSM Lovers are happy to explain what this means and why. 

 

I have made mistakes, acted or said things that go against protocol and members have taken me aside and explained things to me, always with kindness and respect.

[Bo****]

💚💚🌈🐺🐾🐾🙏

radical deconstructive honesty?

we is a tribe of tribes,here in various guises of non conformity to whichever,whatever socio-cultural construct. It's merely BigLove,tribeVibe,the ' namaste'.......a little respect goes a long way,put it out ; hey! It may come back? As a very wise n creative friend ,in Fet,said to me..... "Just live ,love,laugh!"

A Dreadzone mantra from ' 95: "life,love,'n',Unity.......help us all deal with this damn lock-down effect?🙏

try rebranding to yourself ,LockOut,lol!.....n lockout the negative and nurture the positive......the Kink positive............

We All just One of 7+ billion?

[UK****]

17 hours ago, Lillyth said:

I lurk a lot and the room automatically kicks you out if you are inactive, it's not a mod doing it.

Well that's good to know thanks