The lockdown effect!

[Urassismine]

32 minutes ago, absolutdoc said:

Urassismine.... that is a great and perfect insight into The Lobby.
I try to welcome every single person that enters the space. I offer them to pm me if any personal or embarrassing questions they may have.
I have also been known to "save" a few souls from absolute annihilation from the "clique" you refer to.
I agree that a few "unwritten" ground rules may help this situation, but im afraid at what point do suggestions become rules, become law, and before you know it... the arena is flat and boring.
I feel confident that the folks that frequent The Lobby can govern themselves as well as the new people coming in.
Its like a schoolyard at recess...
There are a few rules and laws, but the mores and norms are figured out on the field as you go.
See you in the room!!

Doc, agree on rules. But some generally accepted rules of etiquette,  not hard and fast rules, would help some, like me, from inadvertently stepping on their own dick when not intending to.

[qu****]

Last time I ventured into the lobby for general chit chat, only to see people being berated for talking about the weather, and comments along the line of this is a sex site, what's up not getting any, The rules state the lobby is for general chit chat and light sexual chat( (roughly), now I know I'm odd in that I find  public overly sexual chat a turn off, innuendoes fine, and in private fine, what's wrong with just generally chatting, perhaps there should be a even more defined non-sexual chatroom, like the munch forum for instance where it's not necessarily sexualy led

[st****]

When I first came to this website and explored the chat rooms, I was greeted by many people ib the room - both male and female. Things and functions were explained to me like whisper and pvt message functions. It was like going to church or an AA meeting. A week or so ago I tried chat only to find it sadly cold. Thewe was new chatters I didnt know. They busy chatting amongst each other. Maybe it was the time. Seems to be a different crowd dep[ending on the time of day. Ill try it again and see if its better.

[qu****]

Just stick with it, these things have happened before, and I dare say they'll happen again, as I've said, unfortunate but that's human nature for you...

[Deleted Member]

At the start 3 or so years ago it was welcoming and inclusive it’s sad to say it’s no longer that what it was. Cliquey and judgmental had sadly taken over with a high and mighty mentality from the few. There are bullies that parade as something they are not and pass judgment and attack in such a underhanded way that the place has become toxic. It’s very sad indeed .

[li****]

It's even got to the point where I've seen mods get belittled and picked on by certain people!! It's disgusting behaviour in my opinion the fact that mods are there to do a job and if they think a conversation needs to stop cause it's going to escalate in to an argument then respect the mods don't throw dummy out and act like kids. 

There is definitely a pack mentality and so on in the chat and to be honest when they have decided to have a go at a mod or a newbie it's disgusting behaviour!!! And from people in this lifestyle and community who should know and act better in my opinion. Honestly it's like a school yard in there sometimes even my nephews who are 5 & 8 behave better than some in the chat room.

[SammyB]

21 minutes ago, lil-monster said:

It's even got to the point where I've seen mods get belittled and picked on by certain people!! It's disgusting behaviour in my opinion the fact that mods are there to do a job and if they think a conversation needs to stop cause it's going to escalate in to an argument then respect the mods don't throw dummy out and act like kids. 

There is definitely a pack mentality and so on in the chat and to be honest when they have decided to have a go at a mod or a newbie it's disgusting behaviour!!! And from people in this lifestyle and community who should know and act better in my opinion. Honestly it's like a school yard in there sometimes even my nephews who are 5 & 8 behave better than some in the chat room.

Sadly battling with the mods appears to be a game and people bragging bout how the back chatted or challenged mods
I’ve heard people brag bout receiving points for their poor behaviour and waving them bout like a badge of honour

Mods do a fantastic job onsite I certainly can only thank them for the support that they have offered have offered over the years

[li****]

3 minutes ago, SammyB said:

Sadly battling with the mods appears to be a game and people bragging bout how the back chatted or challenged mods
I’ve heard people brag bout receiving points for their poor behaviour and waving them bout like a badge of honour

Mods do a fantastic job onsite I certainly can only thank them for the support that they have offered have offered over the years

I agree the mods do a fantastic job I have nothing but respect for them. They are members here too who live the lifestyle not just some random folk they've picked off the street. And yeah I've seen a few do that too waving their bad behaviour and points around like a badge of honour honestly I shake my head at those people.

[sm****]

I have to agree I and many others have seen it all to often, Mods doing their job and it's fantastic if thankless task.  Too many so called "we know it all better than you" attitudes from some  very few regulars openly gloating, baiting, and belittling.  Then go off on one when when clamped down on.   People don't openly call out these keyboard warriors because your general chatter doesn't like to see the triade of *** thrown about and what is normally a decent time turned into a storm.

And before anyone goes on about lack of consistency.......just think how bad it would be if we had nobody doing this task.  You may not like it or think your persecuted for your past actions, but if you didn't have this "SCHOOLGROUNG" bullying and tactics you wouldn't need this much intervention.

It's not a new phenomena as online has always had it's ego's and cult of popularity, but it's more pronounced and snide remarks trying to score moral points, and look big in front of their clique.

 

I know most of the posts have a negative vibe to what "The Lobby" especially, has turned in to,  but on the whole, it can be a very enjoyable experience, just a minority when they pop on want it to be their personal playground with rules that they think shouldn't apply to them. 

 So any newbies please feel free to pop in and ask questions, nothing is too silly especially if your new and exploring.  Some older hands should be more tolerant and keep their ego's in check, stop being hypocritical and nurture new *** in the scene.  yes if they continue being a tit, they haven't listened and it's adios.

 

 

[ol****]

OK I'm going to modify what I'd said. It is the lobby that is the "problem" chat room. mostly when I look this is the only chat room with members in it.

BTW good topic.

[Invisible71]

Whikst I don't enter the Chat that often, I do fimd myself surfing the site more frequently in the hope to find somebody to strike up daily chats with. 

 

I love finding out about people and building trust with them and if more comes of that, it needs to have developed naturally, never ***d. 

 

I think the newer members sometimes struggle with their expectations and in a world where it is all to easy to bang out a reply to a message, be it in chat or actual messages, even the experienced site members can sometimes forget to try and convey in a civilised way that comes naturally when actually having a verbal communication. 

[Deleted Member]

I feel like the naughty school boy some times with comments in the background pending what time, other times I get great chats.

[Riotslave]

On 1/21/2021 at 9:44 AM, Lillyth said:

A few weeks into the first lockdown I found myself lurking in chat more and more until eventually I took a break from it completely. I noticed that chat was becoming increasingly toxic and unwelcoming to new people. I remember wondering to myself if this was due to the lockdown making people more agitated, and the effect of feeling cooped up making people a little more hostile in their interactions. Slowly things got a little better and I felt able to return and interact with people again.

I am sadly starting to notice the same negativity happening all over again. New people joining a Fetish chat room being jumped on for foolishly believing that they can talk about their kinks by others who then proceed to discuss their own.

New people not knowing what to expect and maybe making the odd, I guess what could be considered a perceived faux pas by more regular chatters and again being met with sarcasm and hostility.

This is a unique and difficult time for everyone and maybe some people come to chat as that may be their only escape at the moment, maybe for some it is the only interaction they have. 

I think I will retreat back to my lurking corner for a while and hope that chat returns to being a friendly, welcoming place for all.

This may be an unpopular post and is just a commentary on the way I see things and how sad it makes me, but as cliché as it sounds if you can be anything right now be kind.

 

It seem's to be crazy times, I have noticed since this Covid had stared people slowly started  turning funny. While in the supper market some people would really hide away from people as the came down the isle. I also observed people becoming ***. I am begining to wonder if Covid is affecting peoples minds. There is also a lot of people losing their jobs, banks closing in because they want their ***. Generally there is a lot of very stressed and worried people out there. It is of my personal oppinion that 6 month to a year from now, we are going to see the real effect on peoples lifes that this covid has brought on and I am afaid this situation is going to tip a lot of people over the edge. Take care stay safe. 

[Ba****]

The lobby is a toxic plain and simple absolutely toxic. When I joined a few years ago I remember many people went out of their way to involve me and it was greatly appreciated. I was a fish out of water, didnt have a clue but people said hello they were nice asked questions answered my questions. If I was to walk in fresh today I'd be crucified (by some) To be clear there are lovely people on this site, many whom I'm proud to call friends, who have offered advice or a shoulder to cry on or just laughs every day. Then there are a core bunch of people hell bent on destroying this place and make no mistake they are destroying it. My friends are on less and less and this post as well as previous posts make it clear why, its also why I hardly come on and when I do like tonight I remember why I dont. There are a number of regulars who are nothing more than bullies and to make it worse there are others who enable that bullying and in my eyes are guilty by association. The chat tonight has been disgusting and I was suprised to see the names of people I had a great deal of respect for sully themselves in it. It needs dealt with properly and the rot removed before the whole house collapses.

[Je****]

20 minutes ago, BadTaste_Ted said:

The lobby is a toxic plain and simple absolutely toxic. When I joined a few years ago I remember many people went out of their way to involve me and it was greatly appreciated. I was a fish out of water, didnt have a clue but people said hello they were nice asked questions answered my questions. If I was to walk in fresh today I'd be crucified (by some) To be clear there are lovely people on this site, many whom I'm proud to call friends, who have offered advice or a shoulder to cry on or just laughs every day. Then there are a core bunch of people hell bent on destroying this place and make no mistake they are destroying it. My friends are on less and less and this post as well as previous posts make it clear why, its also why I hardly come on and when I do like tonight I remember why I dont. There are a number of regulars who are nothing more than bullies and to make it worse there are others who enable that bullying and in my eyes are guilty by association. The chat tonight has been disgusting and I was suprised to see the names of people I had a great deal of respect for sully themselves in it. It needs dealt with properly and the rot removed before the whole house collapses.

i agree with some of this. a lot of people arent very nice when it comes to newbies. i find that some are very helpful and welcoming and some dont acknowledge at all.

i try to make sure i greet everyone who comes in to the lobby new or otherwise and its disheartening to be ignored or comments made. we should all get along and make this a safe and warm place for newbies to come into! its sad when people feel they need to take a step back from it, ive been doing the same myself, lurking or leaving because of hostility. its such a shame. everyone should be able to enjoy and make the most of it,

 

i have been lurking on chat for the last few hours tho and i havent seen anyone being out of order or any sort of bullying though, just a discussion about tattoos going back for the last hour or so and was food above that. its a shame if people feel the need to behave that way! hope you can find it a good place to be again, youre very entertaining and friendly in chat and needs more people like you in there more often ted! 

 

heres hoping chat can get better for everyone soon.

[Bo****]

55 minutes ago, BadTaste_Ted said:

The lobby is a toxic plain and simple absolutely toxic. When I joined a few years ago I remember many people went out of their way to involve me and it was greatly appreciated. I was a fish out of water, didnt have a clue but people said hello they were nice asked questions answered my questions. If I was to walk in fresh today I'd be crucified (by some) To be clear there are lovely people on this site, many whom I'm proud to call friends, who have offered advice or a shoulder to cry on or just laughs every day. Then there are a core bunch of people hell bent on destroying this place and make no mistake they are destroying it. My friends are on less and less and this post as well as previous posts make it clear why, its also why I hardly come on and when I do like tonight I remember why I dont. There are a number of regulars who are nothing more than bullies and to make it worse there are others who enable that bullying and in my eyes are guilty by association. The chat tonight has been disgusting and I was suprised to see the names of people I had a great deal of respect for sully themselves in it. It needs dealt with properly and the rot removed before the whole house collapses.

I don't know if I've not been in during these moments or, god forbid, I have inadvertently been a part of it but I haven't experienced this.

Are you able to go into any more detail of what you've witnessed? Of course while being respectful of peoples privacy. I'm curious.

[Urassismine]

13 minutes ago, Bons said:

I don't know if I've not been in during these moments or, god forbid, I have inadvertently been a part of it but I haven't experienced this.

Are you able to go into any more detail of what you've witnessed? Of course while being respectful of peoples privacy. I'm curious.

Bons, I can’t speak for Ted, of course, but I’ve certainly witnessed quite a bit of what I would compare to a dog lifting its leg to mark its territory toward new people that try to engage in the chat.

[Je****]

1 minute ago, Urassismine said:

Bons, I can’t speak for Ted, of course, but I’ve certainly witnessed quite a bit of what I would compare to a dog lifting its leg to mark its territory toward new people that try to engage in the chat.

this is such a shame ura   people shouldnt behave that way at all

[Ba****]

17 minutes ago, Bons said:

I don't know if I've not been in during these moments or, god forbid, I have inadvertently been a part of it but I haven't experienced this.

Are you able to go into any more detail of what you've witnessed? Of course while being respectful of peoples privacy. I'm curious.

Its different stuff for different days mate, I've seen the same things other people have. It never lasts all day every day it happens when certain bad apples join and when those baddle apples go so does the negativity, it follows them like a cloud of shame.

[Urassismine]

27 minutes ago, JenniferTP said:

this is such a shame ura   people shouldnt behave that way at all

It’s not pervasive, and I think that most are very open and welcoming. Even those that I described above, I think many of their comments are made in jest. But I’ve seen some times where a new person obviously isn’t picking up on the sarcastic tone, as they don’t know anything about the person making the comment. And they suddenly stop adding into the chat and soon quickly slip out. It is a shame.

[Deleted Member]

I have followed this thread with interest last couple of days and have seen some really good points made and some that in my humble opinion, are easily solved. The problem is as I see it again in my humble opinion is what one sees as bullying another may see as nothing more than a direct shooter, one who says it as they see it with shall we say a lack of diplomacy. 

 

Now that, I understand, as I don't really do diplomacy well, have always struggled to read between the lines so I have been accused a couple of times of bullying and managed to get myself told off, but I can assure you that is not the case. I've just said it how i see it, rightlt or wrongly and that, to some may seem as if im a bully, but im not, im just being me and being honest as i see it in that moment in time. Sometimes we can't get around the fact that words need to be said, be it to a regular or a new person, sometimes DIRECT confrontation surely is the best way forwards rather than being ***d out of an area of the site that apparently many USED to enjoy but not so much anymore. I've seen a few comments where some may not wish to interact in the lobby yet i ask you this, whose site is this? Surely we can self police to some extent and rather than be ***d out of something one may enjoy, maybe some direct confrontation is needed. 

 

I've been a knob a couple of times and maybe said/typed a couple of things i regret yet when confronted directly i have been left in no doubts as to the why's and hows,whether I agree or not.  Maybe after that I've gone away, thought about it, and understood a little better with a resolve to try a little harder not to be so abrasive, as in my mind I've done nothing wrong but after the confrontation, after being made aware where they perceive im going wrong then at least i can try to understand their point, and maybe be a better member of the site. Yet i wouldnt know this unless i was told would i? Maybe these folks who are apparently "toxic" need confronting there and then, a debate opening up in that moment in time. Maybe then they will see it from another's point of view but again, how are they to know the perceived offence they may be causing unless it's mentioned, directly. 

 

The mods for me do a great job but they are only human and cannot be everywhere all the time, and let's not forget a key point. What one Mod may intervene in another won't as just like the rest of us their perception of what is acceptable and what is not can be quite different, so surely this is where the self policing comes into play. 

 

What one may perceive to be bullying another may see purely as nothing more than straight talking. What one may see as toxicity another may not, surely bullying like anything else is relative to the individuals and their own personal tolerance/sensitivity. You may say something to me that to another would be of no consequence, yet to me could play on my mind for weeks after, maybe even prevent me from commenting or actively getting involved in threads/chat/munches  but to you is just a throwaway comment. This is the problem isn't it, we all can react so differently to exactly the same situation.

 

You tell me I'm a dick, I will listen. You pull me about something I've said or wrote I will, whether I agree or not mull over your points and maybe upon reflection i will choose to try harder to understand your point and how i may be upsetting you Yet how am I to know unless you tell me, directly 😊. Maybe those whom are being referred to on this thread should be named so at least then they will have the right of reply and please let's not forget, they may not even know that their actions/words are upsetting others.

 

A great thread Lillyth and one that needs looking at by the powers than be, but just like everything else, you can't please all of the people all of the time.

[qu****]

Personally I think it's time to stop blaming covid and the lockdown, I've been here about 3yearsish, this behaviour has always gone on to varying degrees, unfortunately it's all down to human behaviour

[Deleted Member]

Well this was certainly an interesting read.

While I am sad that this is unfortunately the new way for the lobby to operate I am pleased to see I am not the only one as I was begining to think it was just me feeling this way.

As a "Once" regular I always found the lobby as a place to escape and enjoy good craic with those I consider good friends. As a way to get to know new people and potentially build new friendships. Sadly the way the pack of wolves work in there of late I have found myself going in less and less and or just lurking. Luckily I have other forms of contact with most of my friends off here but sadly not all.

What is really frustrating is people who purposefully stir the pot to create angst and it goes without consequences. Then newbies get reported for not following the chat rules or not knowing how to conduct themselves appropriately.

We were all new once and I never got that treatment when I joined back in the day, in fact, when I deleted my account in 2018 for personal reasons, I missed the group chat and regs so much I rejoined and I was welcomed back with open arms from both regulars and new faces.

Sadly I am faced with the do I delete my account scenario again but for very different reasons... as others have mentioned, the toxic behaviour from some, the unaccepting behaviour of others, the playground behaviour and the wolf pack attitude that occurs when someone gets blocked causing groupies/cliques to make the person who did the blocking feel they were out of order.

I'm sorry but we are only human and we don't have to like everyone. I have been told in the past that my name was mentioned when I wasn't online and they were quoted saying, "carefull or MuffSparkle will block you" If I want to block someone I have my reasons. Unlike some members who block folk for simply asking a question. It is also bang out of order slagging members off, especially if they are not present to defend themselves, we are meant to be grown ups for gods sake.

So unless things change, I will remain pretty much absent from this site and only talk in the lobby when the flow is good and the school bullies are absent.

Edited January 24, 2021 by Deleted Member
Typo

[qu****]

A couple of years ago similar happened to me, disgusting jokes behind my back about a photo I once had up, funny thing is I was completely unaware as I was on one of my hiatuses from the site, I logged in and found several PM's regarding this saying how disgusted they were and had reported it, little I could do as I hadn't seen it but did mention it to a mod,  There's light banter when a regulars not there, usually meant in a loving way, but completely different when it's cruel and unnecessary, 

[Je****]

1 minute ago, quietlysure said:

A couple of years ago similar happened to me, disgusting jokes behind my back about a photo I once had up, funny thing is I was completely unaware as I was on one of my hiatuses from the site, I logged in and found several PM's regarding this saying how disgusted they were and had reported it, little I could do as I hadn't seen it but did mention it to a mod,  There's light banter when a regulars not there, usually meant in a loving way, but completely different when it's cruel and unnecessary, 

trust me i had this happen to me too. i was informed by a few people of (a) member/s referring to me as a "shit show"...and i wasnt in a position to defend myself either. i leave now when the clique comes in. its not worth the aggro, i go in to learn about new topics but mostly lurk now as its not the same as it used to be. 

all we can do is grow up as adults and get along or at least be civil. if we dont wanna or cant get along then just ignore and carry on being ourselves and make newbies feel welcome and warm when they join. 

 

i will be stepping back a LOT from the lobby more than i already have due to peoples behaviour, its a shame but its not worth the mental toll and stress to be honest. i will do what i know is right by newbies and make sure i greet them and accept and listen to them in a respectful manner.  heres hoping things get back to normal and fast.