The lockdown effect!

[Deleted Member]

I am lesser known on here, however I raised this exact problem when I joined over a year ago with a mod and more senior site members and was just dismissed or ignored.

It's the main reason I didn't renew my subscription to the site as it was so newbie unfriendly.

 

The few people who took the time to chat and get to know me can probably testify I'm not the shy snowflake type, and yet I find myself often in the chat room unwilling to join in.

 

In any community online cliques will form in the social dynamic, just human nature.

As long as you all live and let live and quit the bitching behind closed doors because it's super insecure/narcissist bullshit that leads to public  non consensual gang bangs to paraphrase.😜😋😁

 

This site does not belong to one member or group of member's new or old, even if you don't like someone or some group you are in a place that is supposed to welcome all sorts of people with all sorts of personal tastes.

What I dislike you may love, doesn't mean we don't share something in common and neither should be judging the other, this is the last place anyone should be judging anyone is it not???

 

 

[Deleted Member]

3 minutes ago, Tiny___D said:

The few people who took the time to chat and get to know me can probably testify I'm not the shy snowflake type, and yet I find myself often in the chat room unwilling to join in.

❄ 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[Je****]

14 hours ago, Tiny___D said:

I am lesser known on here, however I raised this exact problem when I joined over a year ago with a mod and more senior site members and was just dismissed or ignored.

It's the main reason I didn't renew my subscription to the site as it was so newbie unfriendly.

The few people who took the time to chat and get to know me can probably testify I'm not the shy snowflake type, and yet I find myself often in the chat room unwilling to join in.

In any community online cliques will form in the social dynamic, just human nature.

As long as you all live and let live and quit the bitching behind closed doors because it's super insecure/narcissist bullshit that leads to public  non consensual gang bangs to paraphrase.😜😋😁

This site does not belong to one member or group of member's new or old, even if you don't like someone or some group you are in a place that is supposed to welcome all sorts of people with all sorts of personal tastes.

What I dislike you may love, doesn't mean we don't share something in common and neither should be judging the other, this is the last place anyone should be judging anyone is it not???

 

i whole heartedly agree. we should all be getting along and petty behaviours stopping. i think its maybe best they have a mod in 24/7 or two alternating who can keep an eye on chat on a regular basis and can spot any kind of behaviour developing and maybe see when cliques are occurring or being unfair and deal with the issue there and then. 

saves anyone having to lurk, leave, quit or just feel anxious being on here. if a mod can step in on every or any instance then it dealt with there and then and these things cant get prolonged. i will be taking a week off from here, i am not under the hope that the chat will get better when people dont realise their actions but at least i know i can distance myself from it for a while and try to unwind. this place should be fun and i find 99% of my experiences on here have been positive and ive made loads of great friends and  im also aware not everyone can like me. but it is what it is. anyway i try my best by the newbies and thats the main point of this post. 

[Deleted Member]

7 minutes ago, Tiny___D said:

What I dislike you may love, doesn't mean we don't share something in common and neither should be judging the other, this is the last place anyone should be judging anyone is it not???

Whilst I strongly agree with you on this, unfortunately a lot of judging does take place 😞

[Je****]

1 minute ago, MuffSparkle said:

Whilst I strongly agree with you on this, unfortunately a lot of judging does take place 😞

i agree. no one new or old should feel judged or shamed. thats not what this site is about. we should have acceptance and maturity to not judge others for what they like or are into. its upsetting seeing someone get shamed for something they like. cant imagine how that person feels when on the other end of it

[Deleted Member]

1 minute ago, JenniferTP said:

i agree. no one new or old should feel judged or shamed. thats not what this site is about. we should have acceptance and maturity to not judge others for what they like or are into. its upsetting seeing someone get shamed for something they like. cant imagine how that person feels when on the other end of it

I'm happy my post was received well and sparked some conversations.

People posting that they feel 'anxiety', 'upsetting' and other negative emotions from being on a site/community designed (to take your *** haha) to be a safe place for us all to explore something special that isn't widely accepted in the mainstream?

Kinda contradicts the entire premise of being here no?

 

Perhaps people will read these posts and think on next time they choose to be in the Lobby, perhaps next time the person that ***es you off the most can be the person to make you smile the most?  

And if you really don't like someone?  Sounds like a 'you' problem, save that energy for someone you do like, like your subs arse? 

 

Right buttercups.

 

Peace.

[Deleted Member]

39 minutes ago, quietlysure said:

A couple of years ago similar happened to me, disgusting jokes behind my back about a photo I once had up, funny thing is I was completely unaware as I was on one of my hiatuses from the site, I logged in and found several PM's regarding this saying how disgusted they were and had reported it, little I could do as I hadn't seen it but did mention it to a mod,  There's light banter when a regulars not there, usually meant in a loving way, but completely different when it's cruel and unnecessary, 

That's a terrible experience , however how amazing you had friends who had your back and stood up for you when it counted.

Sites got some great people, we need to keep that in mind.

[Ja****]

On 22/01/2021 at 11:39 PM, Lady_Char said:

THank Sammy. It can be hard to be objective about yourself and I would prefer to know if I need to adjust my behaviour. I'm terrible at feedback, but once I spit the dummy and lick my wounds, I can change lol

I'd like to ask the group at large if I am a toxic regular also. I've been reading through this thread with increased alarm that maybe my blunt attitude to life in general is causing people to become upset with me. I will often taunt messages that are clearly scammers, or have no interest in being respectful. Is this what is being discussed? 

 

If I am a problem, I would want to be told. As in BDSM, honest communication is essential for social interactions. I will never ignore or react poorly to criticism of how I conduct myself if it is given respectfully.

On 22/01/2021 at 10:28 PM, smeagol said:

....literally a few nights ago a newbie asked whar are the rules....to be answered "don't be a dick"  not very inviting or informative.

 

 

I would definitely never conduct myself like this though. Not everyone is tech savvy and not everyone will notice the message saying to follow the rules with a link to them. Between desktops, mobile phone browsers and the app there are lots of different ways to view the site, people may need help getting around. 

[Aquarius_Dom]

It does seem a shame that a site with thousands of members only ever have maybe the same 30 or so “regulars” 

What the god and goddess like deities that rule the lobby tend to lose sight of is :-

That person that lurks may be new and have no idea how it all works but what they sometimes see doesn’t encourage them to take part in chat through *** of being ridiculed 

The person without a picture, may have massive body image issues and again being disparaged or mocked doesn’t help them 

The person that comes in and asks a simple question isn’t aware that the question has been asked before and when the assembled throng  run them off, they don’t return !

The person that comes in full of bravado may actually suffer from crippling shyness and the bravado is a shield ! 
 

People should be able to come into the lobby to learn not be lectured there is a huge difference! Whilst you may not like a certain kink, it doesn’t make it any less valid, and worthy of discussion.

 

Yes I’m well aware that I’m generalising and not everyone is guilty of all these things, and there are some good people about ! 

[Deleted Member]

Something no one has commented on yet is the conflict between the "kink community" side of FET and the dating element. Two groups with very different agendas in the chat which does cause ruffled feathers. Particular as the dating element is somewhat new and brings in a different feel to the chat.

[qu****]

The dating side of things has always been here, the trouble comes from those who confuse hook-ups with dating, two different entities in my eyes, but due to the nature of the beast unavoidable, the same as those trying to sell things, I imagine another unavoidable side-effect

[Deleted Member]

14 minutes ago, quietlysure said:

The dating side of things has always been here, the trouble comes from those who confuse hook-ups with dating, two different entities in my eyes, but due to the nature of the beast unavoidable, the same as those trying to sell things, I imagine another unavoidable side-effect

I was under the impression from members who have been on FET longer than me that when the app came out it greatly increased the "hook up" traffic.

[qu****]

As I've said I've been here since the end of 2017, and I've always noticed it to varying degrees, though I will say the amount of women looking for hook-ups has increased, 

[Deleted Member]

2 minutes ago, Lady_Char said:

I was under the impression from members who have been on FET longer than me that when the app came out it greatly increased the "hook up" traffic.

The site promoted the date aspect as that's where the *** is, hell it brought me here, there has to be a fiscal side and that's to be expected.

I think there may be more in the bigger picture reading between the lines.

 

 

Ya all on a Fetish website, **tolerance should be a given!** 

It falls to the established members to guide the new people and yes sometimes bite yer lip even if you are a dom!

Yes there will be twat waffles along the way, but remain open to the people not just the fetish, and grow what essentially is your community.

Im lurking in chat tonight and it's markedly improved and upbeat, to so Lillyth who started the topic and anyone who contributed you did good, keep it going.

 

At the end of the day, it's tomorrow 😋

 

 

[qu****]

On a positive note I find it wonderful that littles are now accepted and welcomed more in the chatrooms, see, it's not all bad

[Urassismine]

I’ve had a number of people ask me if they are part of the clique that I mentioned in this thread. And I’d like to apologize for using that term. It was not intended to mean x, y, z people are part of the clique and are bad people in any way. There aren’t bad people here. All I was intending to imply was  that sometimes new people may not know a person well, and the persona they portray in chat, and that new people may misinterpret some of the comments.

I have been having a PM exchange with someone that I honestly feel was a very good, kind person. That PM last night turned to her airing some thoughts on the site that have been raised here and concerns she had about it. And this morning, she PM’d me to say that she was deactivating her account and she was saying goodbye. 

 

I have no idea if anything I said or raised here made her move in that direction, but it’s left me feeling really shitty, regardless.

[sm****]

2 minutes ago, Urassismine said:

I’ve had a number of people ask me if they are part of the clique that I mentioned in this thread. And I’d like to apologize for using that term. It was not intended to mean x, y, z people are part of the clique and are bad people in any way. There aren’t bad people here. All I was intending to imply was  that sometimes new people may not know a person well, and the persona they portray in chat, and that new people may misinterpret some of the comments.

I have been having a PM exchange with someone that I honestly feel was a very good, kind person. That PM last night turned to her airing some thoughts on the site that have been raised here and concerns she had about it. And this morning, she PM’d me to say that she was deactivating her account and she was saying goodbye. 

 

I have no idea if anything I said or raised here made her move in that direction, but it’s left me feeling really shitty, regardless.

Sadly i know of several good regulars who have deactivated or even deleted their accounts this week.  It's not you some just get too jaded and bug out and do real life things.

[Je****]

9 minutes ago, Urassismine said:

I’ve had a number of people ask me if they are part of the clique that I mentioned in this thread. And I’d like to apologize for using that term. It was not intended to mean x, y, z people are part of the clique and are bad people in any way. There aren’t bad people here. All I was intending to imply was  that sometimes new people may not know a person well, and the persona they portray in chat, and that new people may misinterpret some of the comments.

I have been having a PM exchange with someone that I honestly feel was a very good, kind person. That PM last night turned to her airing some thoughts on the site that have been raised here and concerns she had about it. And this morning, she PM’d me to say that she was deactivating her account and she was saying goodbye. 

 

I have no idea if anything I said or raised here made her move in that direction, but it’s left me feeling really shitty, regardless.

so sorry to hear this. hope they are ok!

[qu****]

When I feel I don't fit in or contribute I take a hiatus from here, I don't leave, I just stop using the site, can be for months, people say I shouldn't feel that way, but I'm just me, and can't or won't change who I fundamentally am

[Urassismine]

29 minutes ago, JenniferTP said:

so sorry to hear this. hope they are ok!

Jenn, I could be wrong, but I believe it was someone you know at least somewhat well? Was actually wondering if she’d said anything to you or Char about her decision to leave.

[Deleted Member]

11 minutes ago, Urassismine said:

Jenn, I could be wrong, but I believe it was someone you know at least somewhat well? Was actually wondering if she’d said anything to you or Char about her decision to leave.

I'll pm you

[ab****]

Urassismine, I think I have an idea who you are speaking of, but regardless; don't let this fall on your shoulders. People make decisions for a thousand reasons. Don't believe for a second that your post or free thought had any effect on their decision.
Even if it did, that shouldn't stifle you from expressing your thoughts.
You are a member here as well!

[Urassismine]

14 minutes ago, Lady_Char said:

I'll pm you

Thanks, Char, appreciate it. Saw your PM and replied.

[Deleted Member]

As an outsider, the last 3 messages read like exactly the problem this thread was created to address, intended or not, please don't shoot the messenger.

   Whisper me in a PM, he said she said?  

 

 

Doesn't read well for a new person outside of the friendship bubble, and you have new friends in this thread wanting to get to know you if you read back.

 

 

 

[Lillyth]

35 minutes ago, Urassismine said:

Jenn, I could be wrong, but I believe it was someone you know at least somewhat well? Was actually wondering if she’d said anything to you or Char about her decision to leave.

I am so sorry to hear this and hope they are ok. This post was supposed to help bring people together not make them feel as though they have to leave. I really hope they return.