Advice

[Quil]

I am a new dominant in an exclusive relationship with an experienced submissive tor over a year.

she has recently asked for more *** in foreplay. The submissive is bedroom only. She has expressed issues with submission in the past. Generally only submissive while ***. She is highly intelligent and a bit of a boss brat. Part of the challenge turns me on but it’s hard for her to let go.I know all her limits. I developed a protocol to determine her head space. I ask her if she wishes to to please Sir? If she responds “yes Sir” I know she just wants attention. When she responds “I dunno” it means she wants play time.

Recently I asked her this she responded “I dunno”

then later she asked if I really wanted to do things. I asked again if she wanted to please Sir and she said yes. The next day I asked her if she really changed her mind (which is perfectly fine) or if she was just challenging me. She said she didn’t know. 
My advice is how to proceed?

[je****]

Hi Quil. It doesn't sound to me that your partner is very comfortable in her submission....(if it only really happens when she's drunk enough to 'let go'...a year would seem long enough for her to trust you, and I'm assuming that you have safewords in place to put her at ease....
What are these 'issues' she's expressed? Does she actually enjoy being submissive? Also...the waters seem very muddy around your 'code' for initiating potential scenes or 'playtime' ...maybe a gentle, frank discussion is required....expressing the needs and desires on BOTH sides....maybe things are not as you think....I hope this helps in some way... good luck : )

[Deleted Member]

She can only be submissive with a drink? Problematic!
She direct the sessions by your questions? Problematic!
Seems that your Ds relationship is conducted indirectly by her.

[ey****]

Basically. Stop

she's not into it and doesn't have the heart to tell you

You need to stop and have an open and frank discussion going forward - and basically playing when she is *** should be removed from the table

[Koby]

I was so confused ....too many mixed signals. I would not be able to tell if I was coming or going.

Personally, I would only explore a BDSM  relationship with someone if they are in the right mindset overall not just for play.

For so many reasons, play under the influence of Alcohol is a no go. 

What is she truly seeking, submission by ***?

Whether it's a fully fledged relationship or play partners, individuals need to express their needs and desires both for play and a relationship.

[Deleted Member]

She's asked for more *** in foreplay then asked if you "really want to do things", it's a bit unclear whether both your hearts are really in this or if your both waiting for a sign from the other. Sit down and have the discussion and prepared to act on her answer, whatever it is.

[TeeJay_98]

Her only wanting things when *** is a red flag 🚩 

My advice would be stop now, before either of you get hurt. 

Have a conversation with her... If you are honestly both interested in this lifestyle you need a joint agreement on how things will work, perhaps starting with - no play whilst ***. 

From there you may find that she doesn't want this lifestyle or you might find she becomes better at cooperating what she wants. 

 

Communication is key - and remember an *** person won't be communicating effectively. 

 

Talk to her. For your sake and hers