A softer side to BDSM?

[Deleted Member]

I’d value advice from those on both sides of the (d/s) slash. Since I discovered bdsm, I’ve always been drawn to the rougher side and I enjoy *** to a degree. I’ve always seen sex as “done to me” - I can’t put it a better way. I am attracted to primal and (some) men describe me that way. In recent months, I’ve tried pet play and spanking alongside it and I was quite shocked at the difference in me, A softer side I didn’t know was there. I’m struggling with it. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

[Dreamaway]

Kate, it's just progression, nothing to be concerned about. If we don't change and adapt life, play becomes stale and boring. Perhaps this side has been part of you all along but hadn't had a chance to develop yet. If you like the softer, more sentiment filled side, embrace it. If at a point in the future you're not finding it fulfilling then you have your old persona to revert back to.

[Deleted Member]

Have you heard of sensual domination?

It is different from the mainstream S&M that deals with ***. It is based on controlling through pleasure, for example edging. I think it is what you would call the soft side of bdsm. 

Not to be rude but what I don't understand is why you are struggling with it. It is just another way to enjoy a session and you can always chose what to do. I think you should explore the softer side as you put it before deciding whether you like it or not. Maybe even mix a bit of the soft side with the hard side which results in some pretty good sessions according to my experience. 

[Wo****]

I can relate @Curvykate having recently needing/wanting less hard core impact play.

 

It's like a coin... two sides. The harder vs the softer, it's all sensual. It's balancing that coin on the edge so you see both sides.

Sometimes it's one or the other. Sometimes it spins on its edge.

[LanceH]

The mind is where exploration really happens. Plus the fact is you change with your experience

[Deleted Member]

Love this

[Deleted Member]

I can see all of your perspectives and thank you for sharing. I have quite deliberately stayed away from sensual play, I’ve never consented to edging, avoided men who ask. I avoid receiving pleasure even. I am distinctly uncomfortable with the “soft” side. And that’s entirely in my head. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Deleted Member]

Can you please share what bothers you so much? 

[Wo****]

38 minutes ago, Curvykate said:

I can see all of your perspectives and thank you for sharing. I have quite deliberately stayed away from sensual play, I’ve never consented to edging, avoided men who ask. I avoid receiving pleasure even. I am distinctly uncomfortable with the “soft” side. And that’s entirely in my head. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Question... do you shy away from it because you feel you don't deserve it? You're not worthy of it?

[PenelopeClaire]

I have the same issue. I really shied away from the softer side of things initially and am not entirely comfy with it now. I think it was a mixture of not feeling very good about myself at the time and not wanting to be intimate with anyone in that way. Between therapy and finding partners I like and trust I've slowly started getting into it. I've even requested it a couple times.

[Pl****]

I've never personally been into inflicting ***, but I've dated a number of women that told me they liked *** and preferred rough sex, and pretty much all of them ended up preferring gentle sex. Granted, I may not be the best sadist, and I think there's still value to be had with ***, especially for some people, but I've still found that a lot of women have not had what I'd consider good sex, and once they have, they don't prefer *** anymore. At least where I'm from, lots of guys are just P in V and hope she has a good time, and *** is something that can make that kind of sex better/hotter/more exciting/etc., but it doesn't seem like mostly a distraction from the good stuff. 

[Deleted Member]

Life is all about balance Kate, as it should be. Sometimes those scales may weigh heavier one way or the other, but I believe they always eventually level off. Maybe your inner scales are merely starting to level up a little and is that a bad thing? I don't think so and as in everything else, as we experience we evolve. So what we were yesterday, does not mean we are going to be that person tomorrow. Hard and soft, Black and white, balance 😊

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, Wiz said:

Can you please share what bothers you so much? 

I don’t know, that’s why I posted 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, Bounty said:

Question... do you shy away from it because you feel you don't deserve it? You're not worthy of it?

That’s a hard question. 😌 I think maybe yes I do think that way. Deep down.

[Deleted Member]

6 hours ago, PenelopeClaire said:

I have the same issue. I really shied away from the softer side of things initially and am not entirely comfy with it now. I think it was a mixture of not feeling very good about myself at the time and not wanting to be intimate with anyone in that way. Between therapy and finding partners I like and trust I've slowly started getting into it. I've even requested it a couple times.

I think you’re right - it is certainly to do with trust and self-esteem. I have to let my guard down and allow someone to be more gentle with me. I do trust my partner, but I still find it incredibly difficult after a lifetime of bad sex (and poor self-esteem).

[Deleted Member]

5 hours ago, Pleasurecalculus said:

I've never personally been into inflicting ***, but I've dated a number of women that told me they liked *** and preferred rough sex, and pretty much all of them ended up preferring gentle sex. Granted, I may not be the best sadist, and I think there's still value to be had with ***, especially for some people, but I've still found that a lot of women have not had what I'd consider good sex, and once they have, they don't prefer *** anymore. At least where I'm from, lots of guys are just P in V and hope she has a good time, and *** is something that can make that kind of sex better/hotter/more exciting/etc., but it doesn't seem like mostly a distraction from the good stuff. 

I’ve had bad sex most of my life, this is true. Add some emotional *** and I see where you’re coming from. I still very much need to submit but it’s not so driven by sexual ***.

[Deleted Member]

5 hours ago, Primal*** said:

Life is all about balance Kate, as it should be. Sometimes those scales may weigh heavier one way or the other, but I believe they always eventually level off. Maybe your inner scales are merely starting to level up a little and is that a bad thing? I don't think so and as in everything else, as we experience we evolve. So what we were yesterday, does not mean we are going to be that person tomorrow. Hard and soft, Black and white, balance 😊

I don’t think any of it is bad but it’s throwing me. I had a fixed idea in my head and it’s hard to adjust to the new reality.

[Koby]

I have always enjoyed Sensualism and Sadism, there is no conflict between  the two as my Kink Identity is multifaceted and manifests on different levels. To the point, I can marry the two.

It's ok to want different things at different times. Sounds like you need to resolve the internal conflict. Give yourself time to process the change.

It's like swimming against a tide, swim with the tide ( current feelings/emotions) and see where it takes you.

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, Koby said:

I have always enjoyed Sensualism and Sadism, there is no conflict between  the two as my Kink Identity is multifaceted and manifests on different levels. To the point, I can marry the two.

It's ok to want different things at different times. Sounds like you need to resolve the internal conflict. Give yourself time to process the change.

It's like swimming against a tide, swim with the tide ( current feelings/emotions) and see where it takes you.

I think I’ve been avoiding this particular issue for a few years and yes there is an internal conflict for me. Hopefully I can resolve it for myself and for my relationship.

[ol****]

@Curvykate  Life is a journey not a destination.

Sorry to be trite but who knows what you might explore next week?

[Deleted Member]

[Si****]

I would like to also thank everyone for sharing their thoughts. Being a sensual Dom, I’ve never really thought about why some prefer the harder side of play. It’s given me much to think about. 30 years in and I’m still learning loads. Lol

[Deleted Member]

[PenelopeClaire]

I've had rly bad sex my whole life too. It sucks. Took me awhile to figure out what I needed. I know it's scary to see yourself changing especially when it comes to you being more ***. But if I may say, if it feels good enjoy it just for you. Let them love on you. If it gets overwhelming you can always come back here and talk it out, which I generally find helpful.

[Deleted Member]

19 hours ago, PenelopeClaire said:

I've had rly bad sex my whole life too. It sucks. Took me awhile to figure out what I needed. I know it's scary to see yourself changing especially when it comes to you being more ***. But if I may say, if it feels good enjoy it just for you. Let them love on you. If it gets overwhelming you can always come back here and talk it out, which I generally find helpful.

It does get overwhelming and the things I’m supposed to like - I just want to hide. It does help to talk it out here and I hope you’re getting better sex now!