How to be the best Domme I can be.

[MistressMills]

Hey all, a question for the subs on the site, what do you look for in your ideal Domme?

[Deleted Member]

I'll be following this thread, I'm curious about what the responses will be.

[Deleted Member]

6 minutes ago, comehereboy said:

I'll be following this thread, I'm curious about what the responses will be.

To be so humilating and teasy

[procrastinator20]

Understanding, especially towards beginners, also maturity and trust

[Kinkyj-3842]

To tease and push my mind and body to the edge and be commanding enough to get that mindlessness from me that you’re my only focus also understanding of me so you know how to push me more next time yet knowing my limits and respecting that but pushing my kinks to the edge just enough. There’s a lot of trust bonding that’d be needed too because submitting can be scary to the wrong person

[bh****]

Basically same what he said on the 2nd comment. Nothing more than just feet, and being used and ***d like a footslave 😅

[BrattylittleBitch]

As I’m not strictly a sub, my answer might not be relevant.. but I’m answering as a woman who is only attracted to Domme’s so I figured I’d give it a go.. one of the biggest things I think I need in order to let someone dominate me sexually, is to know we’re completely equal in the other areas of life/relationship/conversations etc... someone that can show respect and take an interest in me as a person and not just a sexual object. Sexually, I like a Domme who understands that each sub they encounter has different needs/desires to their previous one.. it’s not always about the Dommes fantasies.

[Carnelian2]

Mistress Mills; sounds like the advice column in the Sunday Times!

It depends. If you know what you want and you are willing to stick to it, then you will be a good Dominant woman, regardless. After all, if a submissive respects you, then he/she will do anything and everything to make sure that your needs are fulfilled.

[ey****]

So an ideal Domme

- We'd have enough in common so that we could converse about things other than kink

- There'd be an overlap in kink interests. It wouldn't need to perfectly align, I can do the whole "doing it for your Mistress" but there'd have to be enough we both genuinely enjoy

- Distance would have to work in the context of our relationship.  We might be both happy to see each other every few months, in which case distance is less of an issue than if we want to meet more regularly

- I am married. My wife will always come first. That must be respected.  This doesn't mean you won't be an extremely important part of my life, nor get a watered down version of servitude.

- However, obviously if this is someone with their own romantic partner, or multiple subs, that would possibly fit.   A lot depends on the context of our and your relationships.

- That said, however many relationships they had, would be excited about spending time with me - and want to go to events and share opportunities fairly.  I would of course prioritise them where appropriate.

- To be consistent with rules and clear on boundaries

- To recognise there is strength in admitting when wrong, or empathy to know when someone feels let down.  

[Deleted Member]

I can't speak  for absolutely everybody, but I think there are some general things going on for a guy when he is really feeling connected to a dominant woman.

1) She doesn't feel neutral about him and regards him as a prize. I was given to a house domme by my partner one time. It was really hot because the house domme sensed my partner valued me. So it kind of had meaning for her. 

2) It is a paradox because if I sense she values me - then treating me like she - doesn't- value  me is INCREDIBLY hot! 

3) This might not please everybody to hear - but mothering is part of the dynamic of domming for a lot of guys. But it's a wierd kind of mothering! So soft loving voice with a mean cruel action is often very hot. The good news is that it doesn't necessarily require a lot of work. You can be relaxed and be whatever you want to be for long periods. You don't have to do lots of exhausting mothering if you don't want to. Just go with what you like. Be cold or mean, enjoy whatever you enjoy. Just every now and then talk in a soft nurturing voice for a few moments and make soft connection. Then back to cruel. Or let it show there is some cruelty in the nurturing. The contrast will be felt as intense. 

4) There is another interesting paradox: If you just act in a way that play-acts his fantasy, the dominance loses some of its edge. Even though playing up to fantasy dominancre is hot too: wearing corsetry etc, lots of fetish gear comanding you to kneel, say yes mistress etc. But all of that actually I'd very self indulgent to the sub. It is lovely too. Do be generous with all that. But personally I like to sense that I am being slightly exploited. Rather than feeling I am exploiting her by making her act out my demanding and complicated scenario. So if my domme makes me do housework it's is really sexy if it isn't just a token effort. It's, very hot if i sense these are her actual chores and that there is a, little bit of real exploitation going on. 

So those are some observations about what works for me when I am in sub mode. Hope that is of some use. Enjoy your dommeness... 

[Deleted Member]

Wonderful post Mistress Mills I’ve really enjoyed reading all the replies and most of my thoughts have been covered by them but I’ll add my views . Communication is paramount especially with my autism fogging up conversations occasionally. A Domme who has intelligence, experience, sadism which can be alternated with that mothering nurturing control . Just writing this is already turning my heartbeat up! I’m an artist who try’s to be a perfectionist in my work and I approach the same dedication to my pursuit of giving mental and physical pleasure to her. The dynamics are endless and I’m an astronaut who will happily go to the end of the universe with her if she so wishes. I’m not concerned about looks,body shape,or what she wears . A woman who I can trust and feel safe with. I

[Koby]

From my observations of other Dommes,

I like the Dommes with the Human Touch. You don't have to be in a relationship with your Sub, but I just think it is nice that you provide a full package.

For me, being a Domme involves much more than kinks and fetishes.

 

Consideration of subs interests 

Awareness of their limits

Provide space/opportunity for your Subs growth

Provide adequate aftercare - which is not just about tending to your subs  physical needs. It also involves being aware that play can have a emotional/mental impact.

Reflect when possible, this will contribute to your own growth and development 

Outside of your relationship.... consider your own personal growth and the  kinky ideas you want to explore

[dorion]

I echo a couple of points TimtheMerciless makes. Though people are so wonderfully different: I suspect that many subs might not agree with me - which is of course fine. I can only speak for myself.

First, to take someone and make them do or be what you want is a powerful expression of desire. To dominate someone is to value them. This may be related to the fact that many men experience overwhelming desire for women, but are seldom the target of such desire. To be dominated is to be desired beyond the constraints of ordinary norms. If the domme can relate to that desire to be desired, I think she may have a window into the feelings of the sub.

Second, for me at least, domination should not be a service to the sub. What I want more than anything is for her to take what she wants, not cater to me. Performance, dressing up, pleasuring me - these are often off-putting. I would often rather her in casual clothes and me doing ordinary things, or nothing at all. Many women (men too, but especially women) spend much of their lives pleasing others. I won't undervalue that: generosity is a wonderful thing. But when it comes to D/S, I really, really don't want that. Domination for me is less about particular acts than about her willingness to take advantage, to make me of use to her. She shows the intensity of her desire by her willingness to take.

Third, a domme should be deserving. I would like my domme to be a good person whom I respect. One submits to someone one admires. For instance, a woman who spends much of her time pleasing others surely deserves to have her own way sometimes, doesn't she? If people aren't going to give it to her, why shouldn't she do as they do and take it? I'm not suggesting she think that way (though maybe she does) - I'm saying that if I see it that way, I am likely to see her as worth submitting to.

There is also a delicious contradiction here that a good person does a "bad" thing, that she has a blind spot that allows her to exploit her sub. I love that.

My ideal domme: A good person whose desire is great enough that she will use me to satisfy it, even if that means exploiting that weakness in my heart that can lead me to surrender my will against my will, with consequences I might not want.

From my particular point of view, the mistakes I see some dommes make are performing and trying to please. Somehow - and I can't tell you how, because I am not a dom - I think they ideally would get beyond that, to be comfortable, unpretentious and unapologetic about their ability to control.

[dorion]

I should say one other thing. All of this collides with the fact that subs have fetishes. We want to find the domme who just happens to want to make us do the things that we already want to be made to do. I can say I would rather just do normal things than be catered to, but even more than that I would like to engage in fetish X. So subs end up topping from the bottom. That's the mirror question to this one: what makes an ideal sub. Probably not one who tries to top from the bottom. A big can of worms.

[dorion]

One more characteristic of the ideal domme: sound judgment. I find submission suppresses my judgment when it conflicts with hers. If she tells me to do something that I would ordinarily consider unwise, I might find it difficult to refuse. So it's crucial that he judgment is sound: that she considers the consequences of her decisions and chooses wisely. That could be not leaving a sub alone in a stress position or taking into consideration impacts on the sub's family and social relationships. It would be far better to be used in ways one doesn't like than to submit to foolish risks.

I think when I talked about the domme being worthy, judgment is a huge part of it. In the heat of the moment, an irresponsible domme might feel compelling. But I think that would quickly undermine the trust that's necessary for submission.

[Ki****]

On 2/4/2021 at 11:13 AM, Koby said:

From my observations of other Dommes,

I like the Dommes with the Human Touch. You don't have to be in a relationship with your Sub, but I just think it is nice that you provide a full package.

For me, being a Domme involves much more than kinks and fetishes.

 

Consideration of subs interests 

Awareness of their limits

Provide space/opportunity for your Subs growth

Provide adequate aftercare - which is not just about tending to your subs  physical needs. It also involves being aware that play can have a emotional/mental impact.

Reflect when possible, this will contribute to your own growth and development 

Outside of your relationship.... consider your own personal growth and the  kinky ideas you want to explore

I can really relate to these and appreciate them as good guiding principles. Thank you for sharing them. 

[Deleted Member]

Good morning Mistress Mills. In my case I know quite clearly what I feel makes me a fabulous Domme but it depends on what a submissive needs to feel satisfied. For example when I am dominant I want a sub to feel valued, precious but above all else they must trust me that I will not do anything to compromise their physical or emotional safety. I don’t want (nor have I ever liked) to terrorize.  When you spend time with someone as a domme (for me) true submission allows a freedom to explore tantalizing new experiences and I want to see someone have that. It gives me pleasure. As does pushing sexual boundaries that bring curiosity and excitement, a little bit of *** but built around trust and respect. I also need to feel there is a relationship there and dare I say love in terms of respect, value and kindness. Not to be confused with being in love. And ultimately acceptance without judgement. Hence why it’s important to know what a sub might want from me. Some submissive want treatment that I have zero interest in, therefore there is nothing in the interaction to give me satisfaction and mutual agreement on boundaries and frank discussion about what you want to achieve in any interaction is paramount. Getting to know someone that you may consider spending time with is important IMO. Ensuring their mental health is good. I would never want to take advantage of someone just because I can. It’s too easy, not fair and it’s not right. It’s just cruel. It a sub just wants cruelty them I’m not the one to speak to. I will say for me the most delicious part of domination is just allowing someone the freedom to just let go and be thrilled. To be safe in the knowledge that I’m not going to  dehumanize them. But also I expect complete obedience. And I will punish those who disappoint me, I don’t tolerate disappointment. Hence I’m a fabulous Domme for some, but not suitable for others.   I also alway want to grow and experience new things for my own benefit. My perfect sub? A Dom willing to explore because for me that’s the new area of growth I want to explore. 

[Deleted Member]

For me, I just wanted my Dominant (whether wife, girlfriend or master) to take away all my responsibility, power and control. In my day job I had enough of that and in private I wanted the polar opposite.

I used to absolutely hate having to decide what we were having for tea or what colour we were ***ting bathroom or what we were going to family for xmas etc. I was at my happiest when simply told to cook a certain thing for tea or ***t the wall in this colour etc.

Initially there wasn't really a kinky aspect to it, just a complete handing over of power to my girlfriend/wife. However kink developed over time. I can't pinpoint exact time or reason but ultimately my wife, who enjoyed me doing all the chores, grew bored with me as a lover. She needed somebody to argue with her and be a man? I was too subservient and submissive so she had an affair with her ex husband. If I'm honest, she had a very high sex drive and I just couldn't meet her needs even ignoring the FLR roles. She got her kicks from something not available within a normal relationship .

That developed over time and it became an FLR. More by accident than by design though! 

Sure we had talked about having an FLR before we got together but I'm not she she was really 100% onboard with it till years later. For her initially it was like a game. However after 15+ years it became a serious role and she would not tolerate me pushing back against it even after my job changed and I no longer needed the level of slave at home. 

The most critical aspects of my time as a slave were being in near permanent chastity and knowing she was having affairs. This was not like the porn movies, I was never present. I was however aware it was going on which itself evoked lots of emotions from excitement, arousal , jealousy and anger! 

Edited April 3, 2021 by Deleted Member

[Dearelliot]

Soft spoken,  doesnt accept excuses, maintains control, she speaks when he does she interrupts and corrects and holds the threat of punishment over his head.  Punishment is important  early on as it educates him. He is never right, and always  needs  to be reminded  with ***! what his punishment will be explained  in detail should have him shaking...it need not be as bad as he expects but  if he isnt frightened of her   she hasnt done her job.