***, trauma & toxicity

[Deleted Member]

I was asked to start this thread but I am by no means an expert. There are many people here who have or are experiencing *** in their relationships. Some of us find it hard to even label it *** because it comes from someone we care for, or because we don’t care enough for ourselves. And then it’s even harder to recover and avoid toxic people. I know there’s a lot of experience and wisdom here - please share your story or what you’ve learnt that might help others. I will start by saying that I have minimised emotional *** f

[Deleted Member]

I have minimised the years of emotional *** I received because I compared it to physical *** and told myself it didn’t count, it wasn’t really ***. When I read stories here and elsewhere, I still minimise it and the effect it has on me.

[Tazzabby]

20 minutes ago, Curvykate said:

I have minimised the years of emotional *** I received because I compared it to physical *** and told myself it didn’t count, it wasn’t really ***. When I read stories here and elsewhere, I still minimise it and the effect it has on me.

Thats sad to hear . Its not something that many people talk about, especially men but I've been there myself emotionally and financially with an alcoholic ex , I hit rock bottom but I'm now with my new partner and my kids moved in with me , life is great.
There is light at the end of the tunnel.
If anyone needs to talk feel free .

[Deleted Member]

For me it was a narcissist, it was insidious. I know, intellectually, the red flags that indicate narcissism and had seen it from the outside a time or two. I thought it couldn’t happen to me cuz I had knowledge and self worth.

It started out sweet and friendly, open and sharing. It felt like finally I had found what I had been looking for.

To this day, I can’t pinpoint the shift. I just know that as time went on I was ‘wrong’ more and more. I was causing him to feel bad if I questioned why I was wrong. Every time we had a disagreement...I was at fault. And then there would be moments when all was good, when everything made sense.

It was a roller coaster. Gradually, I began to recognize the toxicity, I was lucky enough to have a good friend to talk to about it which helped tremendously. He validated my feelings when I had lost all trust in my own feelings and instincts.

I started to pull away from the toxic man only to find I missed him...I started to convince myself I could help him if I just tried hard enough. So I would go back and take the ***, hoping that I could reason with him, give him what he needed to be whole and it would get better.

I kept going back. Finally, I had to look deep inside and see how unhappy this was making me. Every time I went back, I would get caught on the rollercoaster again.

I thought, maybe I can just be his friend. But even in that capacity, I was feeling the toxicity. I came to the realization that I was addicted. To what exactly? I’m not sure, not to being undone or rewired...I fought the attempts to remake me into what he wanted. Addicted to the hope it would get better maybe and if I left, I would never know if it would get better...I then, finally, made the decision to go cold turkey.

Now, like an addict, I mark the time I have been without contact. The first week was the hardest. It was a minute to minute battle of me wanting to reach out and give one more chance...but I didn’t and now it’s been almost a month. And there are days when it’s still a struggle

From this I’ve learned to trust myself, to look at the parts of me that I allowed to be broken and to rebuild them stronger. I have learned not to judge and that yes, it could happen to me. I have learned that I am resilient and when I start to question myself because someone gets inside my head...it’s time to move on.

[Deleted Member]

It’s a very sad and complex subject. In my years on fetish site I had met lots of women who been suffered from it. Different types, some made peace with it some others still carry the heavy load. I had 4 subs who been ***d, and one who suffered from an abusive bf, to the point she hated herself for years. While I tried my best to help by being caring and engaged with positive conversation it hurt me inside lots to hear their stories. But never patronising or labelling them as soapy victims. There are strong women with some bad days. One who was ***d by a family member was the most horrible for me as she couldn’t say anything and kept it for years until we play some scenario- trigger- and she burst in tears and licked hers self in the bathroom for 1/2h till I talk her out. Then she told me all her story for the first time after keeping so long for herself. That person still live within the family! I told her to seek professional help as I am not qualify for this kind of trauma, I could support her as much as she wanted but to a certain level. After few months she decided to contact a specialist and she had therapy sessions since.
I know it’s very commun to find in our community similar stories. But no Ds relationship will help as much a proper therapy.
As for the one traumatised by a “Dom” it’s a very difficult one as the trust, pillar of any relationship make even harder to reconnect with someone! Making a Ds relationship nearly i possible to be fully enjoyable

[Deleted Member]

32 minutes ago, Tazzabby said:

Thats sad to hear . Its not something that many people talk about, especially men but I've been there myself emotionally and financially with an alcoholic ex , I hit rock bottom but I'm now with my new partner and my kids moved in with me , life is great.
There is light at the end of the tunnel.
If anyone needs to talk feel free .

You sound very happy! What do you think helped you move on?

[Deleted Member]

16 minutes ago, Mirixo said:

For me it was a narcissist, it was insidious. I know, intellectually, the red flags that indicate narcissism and had seen it from the outside a time or two. I thought it couldn’t happen to me cuz I had knowledge and self worth.

It started out sweet and friendly, open and sharing. It felt like finally I had found what I had been looking for.

To this day, I can’t pinpoint the shift. I just know that as time went on I was ‘wrong’ more and more. I was causing him to feel bad if I questioned why I was wrong. Every time we had a disagreement...I was at fault. And then there would be moments when all was good, when everything made sense.

It was a roller coaster. Gradually, I began to recognize the toxicity, I was lucky enough to have a good friend to talk to about it which helped tremendously. He validated my feelings when I had lost all trust in my own feelings and instincts.

I started to pull away from the toxic man only to find I missed him...I started to convince myself I could help him if I just tried hard enough. So I would go back and take the ***, hoping that I could reason with him, give him what he needed to be whole and it would get better.

I kept going back. Finally, I had to look deep inside and see how unhappy this was making me. Every time I went back, I would get caught on the rollercoaster again.

I thought, maybe I can just be his friend. But even in that capacity, I was feeling the toxicity. I came to the realization that I was addicted. To what exactly? I’m not sure, not to being undone or rewired...I fought the attempts to remake me into what he wanted. Addicted to the hope it would get better maybe and if I left, I would never know if it would get better...I then, finally, made the decision to go cold turkey.

Now, like an addict, I mark the time I have been without contact. The first week was the hardest. It was a minute to minute battle of me wanting to reach out and give one more chance...but I didn’t and now it’s been almost a month. And there are days when it’s still a struggle

From this I’ve learned to trust myself, to look at the parts of me that I allowed to be broken and to rebuild them stronger. I have learned not to judge and that yes, it could happen to me. I have learned that I am resilient and when I start to question myself because someone gets inside my head...it’s time to move on.

Thank you so much for sharing! I recognised so much of that and I’m 3 years down the track away from that toxicity. From questioning very basic things about what you do or think. I’m glad you have a friend to help but you sound like you’re recognising your own strength. And ...valuing yourself. You deserve more than someone who makes you feel you’re always wrong.

[Deleted Member]

I think you’re right, Fab. I had a year of therapy to even be able to say out loud that I experienced ***. I hope the woman who confided in you is getting stronger. It must be so hard for her if her ***r is still present. It is shocking the number of women on this site who have been ***d. I guess it raises the question for tops/doms/dommes - how you recognise that someone has trauma?

[li****]

I suffered *** for years when I was with my ex from the age of 16 till I was 26 I was with him. He ***d me mentally, physically and emotionally. I was too scared to run as he cut me off from all my friends and family I was only allowed to go to work I wasn't allowed out any other time. I was beaten black and blue by him, ***d consistently, told I was ugly and fat and no other man would want me. I finally got the courage to leave when a woman got in contact with me and told me she was pregnant with his baby!!!! Even thou I had been ***d by him for years for me that was the straw that broke the camels back!!! I finally got the courage to call someone I did eventually get out but was of course for years mentally scarred. I still didn't go out anywhere I lost all my confidence couldn't even have mirrors anywhere cause I couldn't look at myself. I tried to take my own life not once but twice.

 

Eventually I got help I saw a counsellor, and yes even some years after I still got with guys that were horrible or abusive and that's including Dom's from here, but I think I was conditioned to only think that's the only type of guy for me!!! But eventually I got out of the cycle and have now met my Sir @Liam52 who is probably the best ever but hey I'm biased lol. I still and will always have triggers cause of what I went through, I doubt they'll ever go away but I know how to handle them and walk away from a conversation and or take myself out of a group if they ever get mentioned. I know I'm now a stronger person I'm not a victim I'm a survivor!!!!!! 

Thank you @Curvykate for bringing this topic away from the toxicity it was becoming in the other post 💚💚

 

Edited February 7, 2021 by lil-monster

[Tazzabby]

58 minutes ago, Curvykate said:

You sound very happy! What do you think helped you move on?

Whiskey and bdsm what else lol

[Carnelian2]

1 hour ago, Mirixo said:

Now, like an addict, I mark the time I have been without contact. The first week was the hardest. It was a minute to minute battle of me wanting to reach out and give one more chance...but I didn’t and now it’s been almost a month. And there are days when it’s still a struggle

That particular phrase it so spot on. For me, it was a "friendship" which I maintained due to a combination of guilt in the beginning (I had hurt her badly), then wanting to save her - slowly it dawned on me that she had her own issues that she was not addressing and that she was just interested in what she could get from me. She never contacted me unless there was something she wanted and never reached out to me just to hear how I was.
I now I should have seen that, but, I don't know, co-dependency or *** kept me from doing it. And again, I am going through the phase that you talk about above, thinking that somehow it is my fault.

It is interesting that I know what is right or wrong; yet, I do not see the red flags and it is not the first time.

@Tazzaby I know the comment of Whiskey and BDSM was light-hearted, but Alcohol is a depressant and does not help. Also, doing rope-work when under the influence is an absolute no-no. 

[Carnelian2]

@lil-monster Thank for for this. It is good to know that there is a way out of these things, and easy to focus on the bad experiences.

[li****]

13 minutes ago, Carnelian2 said:

@lil-monster Thank for for this. It is good to know that there is a way out of these things, and easy to focus on the bad experiences.

❤️💜

[Wi****]

1 hour ago, lil-monster said:

I suffered *** for years when I was with my ex from the age of 16 till I was 26 I was with him. He ***d me mentally, physically and emotionally. I was too scared to run as he cut me off from all my friends and family I was only allowed to go to work I wasn't allowed out any other time. I was beaten black and blue by him, ***d consistently, told I was ugly and fat and no other man would want me. I finally got the courage to leave when a woman got in contact with me and told me she was pregnant with his baby!!!! Even thou I had been ***d by him for years for me that was the straw that broke the camels back!!! I finally got the courage to call someone I did eventually get out but was of course for years mentally scarred. I still didn't go out anywhere I lost all my confidence couldn't even have mirrors anywhere cause I couldn't look at myself. I tried to take my own life not once but twice.

 

Eventually I got help I saw a counsellor, and yes even some years after I still got with guys that were horrible or abusive and that's including Dom's from here, but I think I was conditioned to only think that's the only type of guy for me!!! But eventually I got out of the cycle and have now met my Sir @Liam52 who is probably the best ever but hey I'm biased lol. I still and will always have triggers cause of what I went through, I doubt they'll ever go away but I know how to handle them and walk away from a conversation and or take myself out of a group if they ever get mentioned. I know I'm now a stronger person I'm not a victim I'm a survivor!!!!!! 

Thank you @Curvykate for bringing this topic away from the toxicity it was becoming in the other post 💚💚

 

You are indeed a survivor and a beautiful wonderful woman 🤗🤗🤗💝💝💝

[LanceH]

trama has been mentioned by many. I personally think that it is a good idea to ask a partner in the lifestyle, male or female, Dom or sub, if they have ever experienced this. Sometime in the earlier stages of a relationship. It can save a lot of *** for both sides of a trigger event occurs. Problem being that many might not desire to divulge.

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, Tazzabby said:

Whiskey and bdsm what else lol

I will pass on the whiskey (sorry but I’m aussie!) and yeah - bdsm helps so many people with their trauma. It just makes me angry that people use it to cause more trauma. 😠

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, LanceH said:

trama has been mentioned by many. I personally think that it is a good idea to ask a partner in the lifestyle, male or female, Dom or sub, if they have ever experienced this. Sometime in the earlier stages of a relationship. It can save a lot of *** for both sides of a trigger event occurs. Problem being that many might not desire to divulge.

I’m sure it is worth seeing if people will open up. But I agree - some don’t want to divulge or perhaps aren’t even aware of the depth of trauma and how it affects them.

[Pl****]

5 hours ago, Curvykate said:

Some of us find it hard to even label it *** because it comes from someone we care for

I think probably the greatest good comes from showing people how to recognize ***, because I certainly didn't in my first relationship. In fact, it was probably six months past our break-up when I finally recognized that I had been in an abusive relationship. There were a bunch of reasons why I didn't:

1. I was the guy, so what did I have to worry about?
2. She had suffered tremendous ***, so I saw her as the victim.
3. She was in ***, which altered her personality and made her more sympathetic. 
4. She was taking *** that altered her personality (giving her paranoid psychosis)
5. I knew her before her traumatic experiences when she wasn't like this, and I had gone into this relationship still caring about her from before.
6. I was so focused on her that I didn't pay attention to what was happening to me. 
7. It was my first relationship, and everybody had always told me I would make a ton of mistakes in my first relationship, so I took the blame for a lot of things. Even when I'd talk to people about it, they'd assume everything was my fault because of my inexperience. 

I'd always thought it was crazy when women stayed with abusive guys, even when the *** got extreme, and after the fact, I felt quite pathetic for not leaving sooner. I made a lot of excuses, and they were all good excuses. I'm still friends with her to this day, and that's not who she really is, which I knew all along, but that doesn't change the fact that at that time we dated, she was abusive. When you're making excuses for someone's negative effects on you, even if they're good excuses, that should always be a sign something's wrong.

After months of having no understanding of why everything I said was so wrong, thinking I was going crazy, even wondering if I somehow had a vast misunderstanding of the same English language I'd been speaking my entire life, it took seeing how she treated other people to recognize that I wasn't the problem. And I was lucky to be able to see that, because not everyone has that luxury.

To me, it all starts with recognizing that *** doesn't have to be physical or illegal, that any number of reasons or excuses for *** doesn't change what it is. Relationships are hard, because we want them and we get invested, but they're supposed to make us happier, not the other way around. If they don't, not just temporarily but in general, it's time to get out.

[Carnelian2]

@PleasurecalculusI recognise most of what you are saying. In fact, it does not even have to be a kink relationship - friendships can cause the same. I suppose I only realised as I do have a base of comparison, which finally made me think that "this is not right", even if the thoughts had been there for ages, even a couple of years. I have a tendency to rationalise and explain things I do not want to see or acknowledge, at least now I am aware that I do this

[Wo****]

To this day I've not really talked about what happened. I've condensed it into one sentence "I was ***d vaginally and anally when I was a 17 year old virgin by my friends dad" ....

How do I even begin to  process that?

That the adrenalin, the ***, the ***, his desire, his need... it induced orgasms from me? That in some twisted way I thought I loved him. He wanted me so badly he took me... 

Bdsm helped me shed the guilt, I took back control. My then submission was my way of owning it, of never being ***d again.

 

During my , after my daughter was born, I went off the rails. I had post natal depression that was missed for years. I sank into hell. Drinking, smoking weed, sinking into an online world. I found chat rooms. Started chatting to a guy. A clever, witty, charming guy. Married. Lonely. He became a light in my life. I splurged my soul to him. He listened. Got in my head. Started controlling me. I can't begin to describe the depths of depravity he led me, willingly, to.

 

It became normal to me to mix online with people that I knew were toxic. There are several, scary stories there.

He was in my life for ten years, he destroyed my , all while yelling me he cared.

It was only reconnecting with my ex that I was finally able to see the truth of what this creature had done. 

 

My rapist.... I can empathise with him. Forgive him. He was a broken, ***d man who did everything he could to not do the one thing he really wanted to do. He wanted his daughter, told me he loved her, he killed himself a week later.... guilt? 

The snake.... I wish him all he deserves.

 

 

Now.... now I know, and believe in, my worth. I'm free of toxic or negative relationships... I'm sober and I've found my light.

🙏

 

[Carnelian2]

I don't know but in a way if you end up in D/s as a response to earlier ***; be it as a Dominant or submissive, then that may be a better coping mechanism than, say alcohol or ***.
It still comes down avoiding the toxic types and me aware enough to spot the signs. I know that is difficult in the rush of an early relationship where everything is rosy.

I knew someone about a year or so back; she had suffered *** in her youth and responded by becoming Dominant but she knew exactly why. Yes, she still had her issues but is a lovely person.

[Bo****]

23 minutes ago, Bounty said:

Now.... now I know, and believe in, my worth. I'm free of toxic or negative relationships... I'm sober and I've found my light.

🙏

 

@Bountyyou are a 'Light' ! Too many and a few good people. Your strength shines a light on my dusk.....to have had the honour of being allowed to see that light is ' Priceless', my Treasure......to have witnessed it's growth into a radiantbeacon .....well, Awe Inspiring!!!!

 to all the 'real' men ,toxic pathetic ally testosterone inebriated n ever so ***y entitled.......this is why i humorously Wolfe tear apart your fragile ego........reduce you to a mere cognitive dissonance n distortion........not my pride! No ,my Duty,my big tribeVibe of responsibility n accountability to be Your FenWolfe.......this wolfe got ya back.......n will protect you from this pack of ignoramii,in the face of yet 'another' triggering pillock of fake domination......to death n beyond🙏🐺🙏

I adore,cherish,worship n love ......because of You, thank you for the 'Light'........💖

Edited February 7, 2021 by Boldbald
Omission ,n fat ,crying fingers

[Deleted Member]

My experiences of ***, though rarely extreme, have been numerous and have left me with an almost complete inability to trust.
 

I know my neurodiversity has played a large part in preventing me from being able to recognise and act to avoid what was obvious to others. Until the day a friend pointed me at a red flag list, I was incapable of recognising them for what they were. It was a bombshell.

 

After many years on my own, learning about myself and doing a lot of growing up, I walked smack bang into a relationship with a gaslighting alcoholic which tore me apart in 5 short weeks. That was two years ago and I look back on that wryly as the practical lesson I needed to rein*** the years of theory. It won’t happen again. 
 

All this has left me with a hair-trigger response to the slightest hint of *** and a very itchy ‘block’ finger. I am sure I have given short shrift to some who were completely undeserving of it, but if it keeps me safe, I figure it might be worth it. Not that I feel I have any choice. 

[Deleted Member]

6 hours ago, lil-monster said:

I suffered *** for years when I was with my ex from the age of 16 till I was 26 I was with him. He ***d me mentally, physically and emotionally. I was too scared to run as he cut me off from all my friends and family I was only allowed to go to work I wasn't allowed out any other time. I was beaten black and blue by him, ***d consistently, told I was ugly and fat and no other man would want me. I finally got the courage to leave when a woman got in contact with me and told me she was pregnant with his baby!!!! Even thou I had been ***d by him for years for me that was the straw that broke the camels back!!! I finally got the courage to call someone I did eventually get out but was of course for years mentally scarred. I still didn't go out anywhere I lost all my confidence couldn't even have mirrors anywhere cause I couldn't look at myself. I tried to take my own life not once but twice.

 

Eventually I got help I saw a counsellor, and yes even some years after I still got with guys that were horrible or abusive and that's including Dom's from here, but I think I was conditioned to only think that's the only type of guy for me!!! But eventually I got out of the cycle and have now met my Sir @Liam52 who is probably the best ever but hey I'm biased lol. I still and will always have triggers cause of what I went through, I doubt they'll ever go away but I know how to handle them and walk away from a conversation and or take myself out of a group if they ever get mentioned. I know I'm now a stronger person I'm not a victim I'm a survivor!!!!!! 

Thank you @Curvykate for bringing this topic away from the toxicity it was becoming in the other post 💚💚

 

(3rd attempt to reply!) You’re an amazing woman and survivor. I’m so glad you’ve triumphed and found your Sir. 💜 I’m really pleased that so many people feel able to talk.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Pleasurecalculus said:

I think probably the greatest good comes from showing people how to recognize ***, because I certainly didn't in my first relationship. In fact, it was probably six months past our break-up when I finally recognized that I had been in an abusive relationship. There were a bunch of reasons why I didn't:

1. I was the guy, so what did I have to worry about?
2. She had suffered tremendous ***, so I saw her as the victim.
3. She was in ***, which altered her personality and made her more sympathetic. 
4. She was taking *** that altered her personality (giving her paranoid psychosis)
5. I knew her before her traumatic experiences when she wasn't like this, and I had gone into this relationship still caring about her from before.
6. I was so focused on her that I didn't pay attention to what was happening to me. 
7. It was my first relationship, and everybody had always told me I would make a ton of mistakes in my first relationship, so I took the blame for a lot of things. Even when I'd talk to people about it, they'd assume everything was my fault because of my inexperience. 

I'd always thought it was crazy when women stayed with abusive guys, even when the *** got extreme, and after the fact, I felt quite pathetic for not leaving sooner. I made a lot of excuses, and they were all good excuses. I'm still friends with her to this day, and that's not who she really is, which I knew all along, but that doesn't change the fact that at that time we dated, she was abusive. When you're making excuses for someone's negative effects on you, even if they're good excuses, that should always be a sign something's wrong.

After months of having no understanding of why everything I said was so wrong, thinking I was going crazy, even wondering if I somehow had a vast misunderstanding of the same English language I'd been speaking my entire life, it took seeing how she treated other people to recognize that I wasn't the problem. And I was lucky to be able to see that, because not everyone has that luxury.

To me, it all starts with recognizing that *** doesn't have to be physical or illegal, that any number of reasons or excuses for *** doesn't change what it is. Relationships are hard, because we want them and we get invested, but they're supposed to make us happier, not the other way around. If they don't, not just temporarily but in general, it's time to get out.

What you’ve talked about chimes so much with me. I’m sorry your first relationship was like this. Recognising *** in any guise can be tough so I guess it makes sense that sometimes we only see it from afar. I didn’t know until my 19 year relationship ended. Do you think it’s also about boundaries? Recognising our own and what are the things we expect of others to be happy.