Online Vanilla Dating

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Curvykate said:

Bit confused by your posts - you only found out about BDSM a few months ago yet you want 24/7? I don’t think you know what that means. That would worry me. With due respect, I think maybe if you hang around and read and participate, you’d benefit. I don’t even know how to respond to some of your statements. “I’m not gay so I’m not sure I would really deem myself non-vanilla” “I’m a straight man so even a bisexual woman I would be on the fence about”. Would you describe yourself as open-minded?

I mean 24/7 in the sense of a live in relationship with a girl where my kinks would come into play naturally here & there that she would share. I don't mean we would be doing BDSM all the time while in the company of each other normal dating stuff would happen too. I wouldn't of course go straight into a 24/7 live in relationship, we would date first and live separate of course but that would be the eventual goal in theory. Kinky Dates I don't want to do as I really want something leading somewhere not just a lot of messing around. That's fine for those that want to do that and suits their life but me not so.

 

On the straight/vanilla stuff that is a large part of me so I can't be open minded about that as I'm not about to get with a guy or anything. I notice from your profile you are just into men so straight/vanilla in that aspect as well presumably.

[Deleted Member]

18 hours ago, Carnelian2 said:

I did have a profile on OK Cupid - not that successful in attracting people interested in D/s

It’s hit and miss on OKC tbh. I like “tied up interactions though!”.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Phil_My_Way said:

Oh, I see what you mean on that, from a woman's perspective. It kind of makes it harder to match up though as means people have to enquire which all takes more time & not as convenient. Though finding someone to do that stuff to you is ultimately the idea of it I would off thought though not necessarily on a passing by sort of nature of course.

 

Idk, I wonder if avoiding putting up with the **** from that might just cause more issues in finding someone. Might be better just to ignore & bin it with those ones. I've been kind of looking at profiles without kinks/fetishes stated as possibly not someone who is really into/genuine about being into BDSM. Though I guess there could be different reasons for not stating as you say. Probably me being a guy and how I read it as such.

Men can make assumptions about me based on my kink list - their choice to do that. I don’t want to find someone to do all the stuff I like - I am not looking and even if I was, it’s about finding someone to connect with at my level not ticking off my kink list. Start with the connection in my book. Anyone who sees me in chat or the forum would know what I am like and whether I am genuine.

[Deleted Member]

39 minutes ago, Phil_My_Way said:

I mean 24/7 in the sense of a live in relationship with a girl where my kinks would come into play naturally here & there that she would share. I don't mean we would be doing BDSM all the time while in the company of each other normal dating stuff would happen too. I wouldn't of course go straight into a 24/7 live in relationship, we would date first and live separate of course but that would be the eventual goal in theory. Kinky Dates I don't want to do as I really want something leading somewhere not just a lot of messing around. That's fine for those that want to do that and suits their life but me not so.

 

On the straight/vanilla stuff that is a large part of me so I can't be open minded about that as I'm not about to get with a guy or anything. I notice from your profile you are just into men so straight/vanilla in that aspect as well presumably.

24/7 means for most people - total power exchange. I’m sure there will be an article on this here if you have a look because if you’re not clear about what you want it will cause problems. You’re looking for LTR by the sound of it. And for many people that might start with kinky play and lead into a relationship. Or start with friendship. Or start with just chatting on a forum like this. Perhaps less convenient and more time consuming but more likely to lead to a lasting connection.

I don’t understand why you’re equating vanilla with straight. Entirely different things. Vanilla is non-kinky people or activity. All of us like some vanilla things like kissing. It has nothing to do with sexual orientation.

[UK****]

14 hours ago, Phil_My_Way said:

 I have pretty common kinks/fetishes and not all that many compared with many on here. Yet, I don't find that many that match all that closely to me. ... So often I find on just the basics on common kinks/fetishes that on here don't seem all that common (spanking mainly) it's not easy to find that many matches.

You might find that you would be better catered for on spanknet.co.uk 

[Carnelian2]

1 hour ago, Curvykate said:

It’s hit and miss on OKC tbh. I like “tied up interactions though!”.

I don't use OKC anymore - just here and Fetlife. Different platforms for different purposes. I think in terms of meeting someone, that can happen anywhere. I am not one for dating sites anyway as I find profile writing difficult, which if you flip the coin also means that someone can be a great salesman but turn out to be completely different, like describing a house as in need of TLC when it is in fact a Ruin with no roof

[Deleted Member]

6 hours ago, Curvykate said:

24/7 means for most people - total power exchange. I’m sure there will be an article on this here if you have a look because if you’re not clear about what you want it will cause problems. You’re looking for LTR by the sound of it. And for many people that might start with kinky play and lead into a relationship. Or start with friendship. Or start with just chatting on a forum like this. Perhaps less convenient and more time consuming but more likely to lead to a lasting connection.

I don’t understand why you’re equating vanilla with straight. Entirely different things. Vanilla is non-kinky people or activity. All of us like some vanilla things like kissing. It has nothing to do with sexual orientation.

Total power exchange is fine with me, from what I have previously read this tends to be when you are with a Sub 24/7 anyway since you are dominating them all of the time. I'm looking for a LTR as well which tends to play into 24/7 as the general idea is that the Sub is permanently dominated in a long term deal. 

 

I realise many people meet long term through kinky play but I don't want to risk getting side tracked onto lots of kinky play instead of finding a relationship. I also want someone there is romance i.e mutual attraction to and not just being there for the kinky play with at least one party having no attraction to the other. Initially I would be meeting a girl as friends but her (and myself) wanting a LTR rather than just looking for friends. I know stuff can follow on but I want to be clear with what I am after to avoid misleading either others or myself.

 

With the Vanilla term I have read that gay people refer to straight people as 'Vanilla' as well as the BDSM community refering to people without kinks as 'Vanilla'. I'm guessing gay people do this to refer to people they see as without homosexual bents. I'm not gay so wouldn't know for certain perhaps a gay person could clarify? If both the gay and BDSM crowd are using the same term but with two different meanings then it could get confusing I guess.

[Deleted Member]

6 hours ago, UK_Knight said:

You might find that you would be better catered for on spanknet.co.uk 

Thanks man, I owe you one  Yeah that looks a lot better, just had a brief look but looks already that it hits the mark way better for me! I think whatever way around I do it whether Kink or Romance I would likely have a bit off a journey but having a more specific pool of people to choose from on a specific dating site for my main kink can likely shorten the journey a fair bit. I found a specific group on Whiplr for spanking but it looks like many others may stray into it who don't have that kink or again a lot of other stuff going on also. Many thanks though once again I think you have helped me out a lot here

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, Phil_My_Way said:

Total power exchange is fine with me, from what I have previously read this tends to be when you are with a Sub 24/7 anyway since you are dominating them all of the time. I'm looking for a LTR as well which tends to play into 24/7 as the general idea is that the Sub is permanently dominated in a long term deal. 

 

I realise many people meet long term through kinky play but I don't want to risk getting side tracked onto lots of kinky play instead of finding a relationship. I also want someone there is romance i.e mutual attraction to and not just being there for the kinky play with at least one party having no attraction to the other. Initially I would be meeting a girl as friends but her (and myself) wanting a LTR rather than just looking for friends. I know stuff can follow on but I want to be clear with what I am after to avoid misleading either others or myself.

 

With the Vanilla term I have read that gay people refer to straight people as 'Vanilla' as well as the BDSM community refering to people without kinks as 'Vanilla'. I'm guessing gay people do this to refer to people they see as without homosexual bents. I'm not gay so wouldn't know for certain perhaps a gay person could clarify? If both the gay and BDSM crowd are using the same term but with two different meanings then it could get confusing I guess.

I’ve never seen the confusion with vanilla. 🤷🏻‍♀️
I am mystified that you say you want everyday run of the mill kink yet are so casual about total power exchange. It’s not a light thing to enter into for either party and any sub reading this would be wary of you. But I don’t get the impression you’re listening so 🤷🏻‍♀️.

[Deleted Member]

8 hours ago, Carnelian2 said:

I don't use OKC anymore - just here and Fetlife. Different platforms for different purposes. I think in terms of meeting someone, that can happen anywhere. I am not one for dating sites anyway as I find profile writing difficult, which if you flip the coin also means that someone can be a great salesman but turn out to be completely different, like describing a house as in need of TLC when it is in fact a Ruin with no roof

I’ve never met anyone from OKC or even had a lasting friendship. So I deleted my profile. I am dreadful at profiles, I write flippant one liners. 😳

[Deleted Member]

31 minutes ago, Curvykate said:

I’ve never seen the confusion with vanilla. 🤷🏻‍♀️
I am mystified that you say you want everyday run of the mill kink yet are so casual about total power exchange. It’s not a light thing to enter into for either party and any sub reading this would be wary of you. But I don’t get the impression you’re listening so 🤷🏻‍♀️.

I'm very at ease with the idea of total power exchange as for me it's the most natural way to be in a relationship. I've seen relationships where two people end up fighting each other to be the more dominant partner in vanilla relationships. There is usually one that is naturally dominant but the other resents them being dominant. Either it results in an unhappy relationship often for both parties or ends in a split. Better to my mind that, that is sorted out way out at/near the beginning of a relationship.

 

I'm kind of male chauvinist by nature so it's a situation which would suit me. At the same time I'm not angry or loud by nature, never have been, it's not in my make up. In fact I would say I'm usually pretty passive, so a passive Dom. I don't seek to coercively control women either, if they wish to spend time doing their own thing or have a definite preference for something I can let go even if I'm not that happy about it. Abusing women doesn't interest me, even the spanking I get turned off by too harsh use of it, for me it more about fun and getting aroused than causing something that looks like it has caused hurt to a woman.

 

I wouldn't expect a total power exchange to happen all at once off course. That would happen over a period of time. I don't do role play either, this is a long term lifestyle choice. I'm not sure how easy it would be for a Sub to get all of this up front and see that I am sincere in my intentions to form a good relationship for both of us. I don't switch and really want s Sub just to be devoted to that and not switch either. So is a definite lifestyle I offer but one I think that would only suit girls into that specific set of ideals I hold (on the other end of course) so I don't think I would be content nor the girl if she deviated too much i.e a bit if switch, couples, non-binary, non-spankee, a lot of other kinks I wasn't into, etc, etc.

[Carnelian2]

56 minutes ago, Curvykate said:

I’ve never met anyone from OKC or even had a lasting friendship. So I deleted my profile. I am dreadful at profiles, I write flippant one liners. 😳

.. and rather entertaining one-liners too 

[Deleted Member]

19 minutes ago, Carnelian2 said:

.. and rather entertaining one-liners too 

🤗

[Deleted Member]

On 2/10/2021 at 8:32 AM, Primal*** said:

As far as the vanilla sites go I do sympathise as yeah, many see the word kink and instantly think easyn which as we know is completely wrong. Maybe a picture of a triskelion among your profile pics may be a good idea, as kinky people would know what it means, and the vanillas generally would not.  A sign as it were to hint at who you really are without making it too obvious.

 

Have I missed something about triskelion? As a pagan, I know what it is - but didn't know it has a kink association. 

[Deleted Member]

On 2/9/2021 at 10:53 PM, Eve1919 said:

I am new to this lifestyle, although I've always been interested and drawn to it.  The most common advice I have seen from more experienced members of this community is that the relationship should come first and then the kink.  So I have a few ads up on more mainstream OLD sites. 

My experience has been that if I mention Kink on my profile I am going to get a lot creeps. So I don't mention it. But unfortunately, I am either attracting really Vanilla men or submissive men who are attracted to my personality.  I had a 10 year vanilla relationship and I would rather be single.  And while I enjoy the company of submissive men as friends, I have no desire to be a Domme.  What do you put in profile to hint that you are into kink without attracting the creeps?  Or do you just slog through the masses hoping to find the one true gem? 

 

 

I'm finding that for me I think it depends on how far into BDSM you are. Everything seems to be on a sliding scale really. I think from your profile you are more towards my end (I don't mean to say that in amounting to a match up) but that if we say that's more towards light BDSM then odds are someone on a more vanilla site might be a easier find. That said if you get someone too vanilla in terms of not being into BDSM at all then that is probably a no go as you've already said.

 

As a guy I don't have the issues you will have in attracting the creeps on a vanilla site so less of an issue for me. I think the triskellion symbol may not be of that much use on a vanilla site as most guys won't be familiar with BDSM to that extent or they will most likely be here. I think you will be looking for a guy who doesn't realise that he is into kinks/light BDSM. So in that regards you will likely have to message guys you like the profiles of first then bring it up in maybe the second or third message in a reasonable manner. They will either be open to it or not and that will tell you if there is any go in it with that guy I think, if not just keep trying guys until you find one. My guess is that spanking will most likely be the most widespread kink so go with that but perhaps suggest that you like it as a form of foreplay. The rest I wouldn't bring up until later unless they seem really heavily engaged in it as too much too soon might scare off a good one is my thoughts.

 

I'm personally finding a lot of BDSM dating sites not the easiest game, even the spanking one suggested, it's better but still not quite there enough. On BDSM dating sites there seems to be a lot into the hard end of BDSM shall we call it, lots of exotic stuff, that and non straight relationships. On both the BDSM and Spanking Dating sites I'm finding that a lot are into it for kinky Dates, role playing, what I would call messing around sort of stuff. Like yourself I'm more into it for a LTR and it being a real part of that relationship, but I don't see that many into that in the BDSM community. So I think yes as someone said it's finding a relationship first and kink second if on the light end of BDSM but that it has to contain both Relationship & Kink even if done in a first and second order. That's what I am seemingly coming to understand anyway, hope this helps :)

[Deleted Member]

On 2/19/2021 at 4:36 PM, RosebroomRoeshot said:

 

Have I missed something about triskelion? As a pagan, I know what it is - but didn't know it has a kink association. 

Yes there is a Celtic Triskellion symbol (also used by some Greeks & a few other Europeans way back) and an Oriental based Triskellion symbol similar to the Chinese Yin & Yang symbol, with three parts instead of two parts. Both have been used since the 90s to identify BDSM.

 

I don't know if there is any difference in meaning to the BDSM community of the Celtic based BDSM Triskellion symbol to the Oriental based Triskellion symbol? Only read briefly on it but to my mind it would make sense if there was. The Celtic based BDSM Triskellion symbol could be used to identify light BDSM while the Oriental based BDSM could be used to identify hard BDSM.

 

The Spanking site someone quoted earlier uses the Celtic Triskellion symbol and I think it would be a good fit to denote spanking & other similar type of BDSM activities. The Oriental BDSM Triskellion symbol could be used to denote the Oxygen Deprevation, Rope Rigger/Bunny, Nappy Wearers, ***, Exotic & Far Out Activities (***s?) type of crowd. Would make sense to have a separate category for the two I think.

 

Generally the Triskellion symbol came about in the 90s as a want by the BDSM community to wish to have a discreet means to identify each other apparently. Problem is can you imagine wearing a Triskellion symbol down the supermarket or wherever as someone comes up to you and says, 'hey, your into BDSM like me, you must be into all sorts of hard core exotic BDSM activities like me?' and the other person says, 'no, nothing like that!! (a bit embarrassed) I just like to give a bit of light spanking & other light playful fun stuff'. So to me that whole awkward conversation & total mismatch could be avoided by different categorising into light & hard BDSM using the two differently designed Triskellion symbols. I get the impression that there is a lot of knocking into each other of those that are into the more far out hard BDSM and those that aren't into those type of activities and that is probably a *** for both groups, so a differing symbol/category would help to make sense of it I think.

 

While I think both symbols look attractively designed. I kind of prefer the use of the Celtic Triskellion. Apart from myself having distant Celtic roots it's nicer to have the dual meaning. If I so wished to I could claim no interest in BDSM but instead just wear it as an item of decorative Jewellery/because of my connection to my Celtic roots. The Oriental based Triskellion would be harder to explain especially as I'm not Chinese lol.