Am I really submissive or just messed up?

[Deleted Member]

Well I guess I just felt like rambling, so why not ramble here in an anonymous box on a kink website in the corner of the internet.

My question is probably bigger than the title. And it is hard to pin it down. I have a sense of it and then it evaporates. I’m also prone to over sharing anywhere except the real world and wonder if this just going to be another of those impulsive moments.

My experience in the bdsm world is limited. I’ve had submissive desires since puberty. I have no idea where they came from , but maybe I do and I don’t like to go there.

I experienced trauma in my childhood. I won’t go into the details. I didn’t call it trauma for a long time. I felt such a word should be reserved for people who had suffered more than me. I mean I’m a fully functioning apparently well adjusted grown up mostly.

 

Although fully functioning and reasonably adjusted is a mask ive learned to wear I suppose. 
 

But if it were true, would I have spent my entire adult life in an abusive relationship and then feel guilty for leaving it? 
 

And so that’s where I struggle. I mean after years of pleasing another person  just to try and keep up the pretence and avoid triggering him. Years of monitoring and shaming, and coercive control. Why would I crave submission?

Of course I’ve read about submission as healing after trauma. But I struggle to make sense of it. That sexualising *** can make a lived experience something you are finally in control of. Because in a trusting D/s relationship, the sub gives all the permissions within his or her given boundaries. 
 

But I haven’t yet experienced a ‘relationship’ in the D/s world. Only a brief kind of toxic one. 
 

And I’m feeling very uncertain.

What if these desires I have are born out of the shame given to my by my trauma?

 

Does it matter?

 

And beneath all the masochistic desires and wanting to be used. There is this woman who just wants to be worthy. 
 

What if my submissive desires are rooted in my self loathing and unworthiness? 
 

And then there’s this lonely person who wants to feel something, instead of nothing. Maybe that’s why I seek the intensity of a D/s dynamic? An outlet for my masochism?
 

But does it exist? Am I romanticising the idea of it? 
 

Sometimes I don’t think I’m made to be more than a passing fancy. But is that my voice or someone else’s? 
 

Do I want to be more? 
 

Or am I too afraid? 
 

See I said this was a rambling post. 
 

I’m not even sure what I’m asking anymore?

Maybe I’m asking what Sylvia asked ...

 

"Can you understand? Someone, somewhere, can you understand me alittle, love me a little? For all my despair, for all my ideals, for all that - I love life. But it is hard, and I have so much - so very much to learn."

or told us 

‘Dying is an art, like everything else. I do it exceptionally well. I do it so it feels like hell. I do it so it feels real. I guess you could say I've a call.’
 

or questioned

’is there no way out of the mind?’

 

Maybe the answer is in the last one. Submission is a vehicle out of my messy introspective head.

Maybe some day, somewhere, someone will ‘kiss me and see how important I am’ and I won’t be afraid to tell them that’s all I ever needed. 
 

Excuse any typos, I should have been well on my way to at least my first nightmare by now.

I’ll see you on the other side, unless the aliens come and take me home... 

 

Feel free to respond to any or none of the disjointed ramblings posted here. 

 

 

 

Edited February 22, 2021 by Deleted Member

[HellDweller]

I personally believe that you need to find an experienced Dom and start your sub journey the right way.

Ultimately D/S true relationships can definitely include love too. And yes, you can be loved and still be a sub.

Fundamentally speaking,  being a sub should be a true expression of the freedom within yourself. If that makes you happy, you are exactly where you should be. However, only a Dom who can truly understand you and how you feel can help you fill the void. 

Also i think you should clearly define your REAL self vs the IDEA of yourself, and honestly tell your Dom about it. I dont think there is anything wrong in explaining how you need /want to be loved and treated so you can be happy. 

Equally i also believe that both parties should go in any type of relationship to give  (BDSM or Vanilla), the secret is that when you give and truly love to give and other does too.. thats when true connection sparkles , which is what i think you are truly craving. True and deep connection.

Just my thought lol

[Wo****]

Omg...

Understand? I've lived it... oh honey. You're like this wild bird who feels the freedom without ever having experienced out. Yet.

 

My submission stemmed from trauma. My masochism sprang from wanting, needing to feel something, anything. Even ***. My physical *** allowed me to process my emotional ***.

 

Worthy of love? Respect? Tenderness? Worship? Never. 

 

My Journey through submission, with good people, has helped heal my scars. 

I've found that I'm not submissive but I do submit to the right people. I'm more confident in accepting love now. I feel worthy of it. I can say "I want this..." 

 

I found myself, I found the goddess within. My body is an altar. It's about intent. Honouring the feminine divine. Loving me as a woman, loving me both because I'm a woman and because I'm me. Free.

 

Idk, looks like you're not the only one who can ramble ...

 

🙏

 

[Deleted Member]

What I read in your post, what shone through to me was doubt. You’re doubting yourself, your feelings and needs. Doubting anything you want or crave. And especially doubting that you can be loved. I’ve felt like this - I suspect anyone after a long relationship feels like this. At the end of an abusive one - there are so many other emotions in play. No-one here has the answers for you because the answers lie with you. Trusting yourself. Listening to yourself. Believing in yourself.

[Deleted Member]

Love yourself for who you are, the progress and steps that you have taken in life, speaking out letting your ***s out of you're heart, release your soul, let the tears flow. You are worthy of everything you do in life, taking each breath, don't be afraid, let your ramblings out of your swollen head, ease your mind, let go of you're past you were not to blame, within you're trauma you found the courage to leave taking the steps to follow through, you need the same encouragement to do so once more x

[Deleted Member]

Good morning Messedup79 . I’m sitting here after reading your post and thinking how can I contribute in a way that possibly would help you. Ok here goes.... Firstly I want to reassure you that I really connect and understand how your mind is racing and I know that exhausting effort to make it through another day of greyness and doom . I’m a casualty of childhood *** and trauma and I feel and understand your negative thoughts.I have a mild autistic condition and the hell I go through trying to find peace in my life. Just like a car travelling at 100 mph your going to need to press the brakes to slow it down before you go off the cliff. It’s taken me years to find my mental brake pads . The *** in my mind decreases with..... Swimming, walking through woods/ country side , nature,art , music helping out my neighbours,giving, putting others first, reading,knowledge,history. Exhaust your life with doing as much as possible ( lockdown is hopefully coming to an end soon which will help) don’t worry about those dark question marks concerning fetishises, put it aside for the moment and when safe go out and try and get a fresh perspective on the here and now. Like you I’m never going to get away completely from the demons but I’ve learned to out wit them and disappoint their efforts in my self destruction. I have a lot of spiritual energy and I’m going to send you some healing and if you need to talk more about it then don’t hesitate. Ps it will get better

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, HellDweller said:

I personally believe that you need to find an experienced Dom and start your sub journey the right way.

Ultimately D/S true relationships can definitely include love too. And yes, you can be loved and still be a sub.

Fundamentally speaking,  being a sub should be a true expression of the freedom within yourself. If that makes you happy, you are exactly where you should be. However, only a Dom who can truly understand you and how you feel can help you fill the void. 

Also i think you should clearly define your REAL self vs the IDEA of yourself, and honestly tell your Dom about it. I dont think there is anything wrong in explaining how you need /want to be loved and treated so you can be happy. 

Equally i also believe that both parties should go in any type of relationship to give  (BDSM or Vanilla), the secret is that when you give and truly love to give and other does too.. thats when true connection sparkles , which is what i think you are truly craving. True and deep connection.

Just my thought lol

I think your thoughts are very reflective. You are right about craving connection but I also *** that craving more than anything.

And the idea of self vs real self... now that’s one I will never pin down... I think I wrote a poem on the subject. I will have to dig it out of the archives!

thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings and respond ☺️

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, Bounty said:

Omg...

Understand? I've lived it... oh honey. You're like this wild bird who feels the freedom without ever having experienced out. Yet.

 

My submission stemmed from trauma. My masochism sprang from wanting, needing to feel something, anything. Even ***. My physical *** allowed me to process my emotional ***.

 

Worthy of love? Respect? Tenderness? Worship? Never. 

 

My Journey through submission, with good people, has helped heal my scars. 

I've found that I'm not submissive but I do submit to the right people. I'm more confident in accepting love now. I feel worthy of it. I can say "I want this..." 

 

I found myself, I found the goddess within. My body is an altar. It's about intent. Honouring the feminine divine. Loving me as a woman, loving me both because I'm a woman and because I'm me. Free.

 

Idk, looks like you're not the only one who can ramble ...

 

🙏

 

Thanks for sharing your insight and experience Bounty. I didn’t think you rambled are all. You are right it is about worthiness. That is what I need to work on most. 
 

I hope one day I too feel free and worthy.

 

I like being like a wild bird too. I love birds. I talk to them sometimes ... one of my very first poems as a ***ager was about a longing to be a bird ... ☺️

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Curvykate said:

What I read in your post, what shone through to me was doubt. You’re doubting yourself, your feelings and needs. Doubting anything you want or crave. And especially doubting that you can be loved. I’ve felt like this - I suspect anyone after a long relationship feels like this. At the end of an abusive one - there are so many other emotions in play. No-one here has the answers for you because the answers lie with you. Trusting yourself. Listening to yourself. Believing in yourself.

Thank you Kate. The doubt is a strong one and something that is hard for me to shake as I am sure it is the thing that has kept me caged for so long. I need to see that only I have the power to change that. But it’s a journey and I fall and graze my knee often. I bruise and bleed easily and heal slowly. But one day I’ll cherish the scars for the strength they have provided me...

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, magical-soul said:

Love yourself for who you are, the progress and steps that you have taken in life, speaking out letting your ***s out of you're heart, release your soul, let the tears flow. You are worthy of everything you do in life, taking each breath, don't be afraid, let your ramblings out of your swollen head, ease your mind, let go of you're past you were not to blame, within you're trauma you found the courage to leave taking the steps to follow through, you need the same encouragement to do so once more x

Thank you magic soul. Some days I feel stronger than others. I try to encourage myself. To believe in myself. But I have good and bad days. Kindness always helps, so thank you ☺️ 

[Deleted Member]

32 minutes ago, TAROTT said:

Good morning Messedup79 . I’m sitting here after reading your post and thinking how can I contribute in a way that possibly would help you. Ok here goes.... Firstly I want to reassure you that I really connect and understand how your mind is racing and I know that exhausting effort to make it through another day of greyness and doom . I’m a casualty of childhood *** and trauma and I feel and understand your negative thoughts.I have a mild autistic condition and the hell I go through trying to find peace in my life. Just like a car travelling at 100 mph your going to need to press the brakes to slow it down before you go off the cliff. It’s taken me years to find my mental brake pads . The *** in my mind decreases with..... Swimming, walking through woods/ country side , nature,art , music helping out my neighbours,giving, putting others first, reading,knowledge,history. Exhaust your life with doing as much as possible ( lockdown is hopefully coming to an end soon which will help) don’t worry about those dark question marks concerning fetishises, put it aside for the moment and when safe go out and try and get a fresh perspective on the here and now. Like you I’m never going to get away completely from the demons but I’ve learned to out wit them and disappoint their efforts in my self destruction. I have a lot of spiritual energy and I’m going to send you some healing and if you need to talk more about it then don’t hesitate. Ps it will get better

Thank you Tarrot. I have often contemplated if I am on the spectrum or just suffering from issues around anxious and avoidant attachment. I certainly do try and fill my life with the things you mention. I write and take walks in nature. Nature is my best friend. It whispers I’m okay across the empty silence. As for being kind and helping others. I have always aspired to do that. Sometimes I wonder if that means I have always dismissed my own needs and created a disconnect in my ability to express or even accept their existence.

I feel like I miss fun and laughter and that my anxiety cheats me out if Joy. I’m working on it.

Maybe you’re right and the submission issue is less important to resolve right now. I guess I just wondered whether I seek it because of my trauma or if it was always there. Whether it can be used carefully as part of healing, or if there are risks to that. 
 

I wonder a lot.

I just need the bars to open so I can drink a mad hatters cocktail from a tea cup and flirt with bar men who are far too young for me. And maybe dance, and suck lollipops. Perhaps I’m having a mid life crisis... 

 

Thanks for taking the time to share and respond with such openness ☺️

[Deleted Member]

Thank you for your reply Messedup 79 . Your last paragraph is a positive thought and fuck yes go out and alter your chemistry to having fun. I’ve got a couple of lambretta scooters from the 60s and I can’t wait to get out and feel the wind in my face and the smell and sights of the beautiful cotswold country side 

[Deleted Member]

Now I’m jealous. I so want a scooter! I wanted a Vespa for my 40th. I have fond memories of my first kiss, a daisy and a Vespa... ☺️

[UnwiseSexCouple]

People with trauma are often wanting warmth, just looking for it in the wrong places. Dysfunctional relationships often bring a kind of warmth, even if it is messed up. I split up from a complicated and dysfunctional  lady (not necessarily a bad person, but bad for me). 

 

Afterwards I missed the drama of the heartache. Feeling *** was in some ways more warm and less lonely than feeling nothing. 

Edited February 23, 2021 by UnwiseSexCouple

[Deleted Member]

25 minutes ago, UnwiseSexCouple said:

People with trauma are often wanting warmth, just looking for it in the wrong places. Dysfunctional relationships often bring a kind of warmth, even if it is messed up. I split up from a complicated and dysfunctional  lady (not necessarily a bad person, but bad for me). 

 

Afterwards I missed the drama of the heartache. Feeling *** was in some ways more warm and less lonely than feeling nothing. 

I get that... makes a lot of sense... how about now... are you more functional? 

[Deleted Member]

There is a strong community of scooter enthusiasts out there and you could try joining the Vespa club GB . It’s mainly older men and women who meet up at seaside resorts and get drunk , dance badly and act like ***agers for the weekend.Some do fancy dress doctors and nurses, super heroes, men in drag and I once witnessed a man dancing naked with a collar and chain in the late night dance hall . I’ve been involved with the scooter scene longer than I have been into kink and it’s true to say that I’ve met more people with long standing mental challenges there than anywhere else. They cope because that weekend  they are going to have adventure,excitement and fun with the attitude of Why grow up? It’s a great distraction from reality and we all crave that. 

[Deleted Member]

15 minutes ago, TAROTT said:

There is a strong community of scooter enthusiasts out there and you could try joining the Vespa club GB . It’s mainly older men and women who meet up at seaside resorts and get drunk , dance badly and act like ***agers for the weekend.Some do fancy dress doctors and nurses, super heroes, men in drag and I once witnessed a man dancing naked with a collar and chain in the late night dance hall . I’ve been involved with the scooter scene longer than I have been into kink and it’s true to say that I’ve met more people with long standing mental challenges there than anywhere else. They cope because that weekend  they are going to have adventure,excitement and fun with the attitude of Why grow up? It’s a great distraction from reality and we all crave that. 

Sounds like a post covid plan. I could be Harley Quinn on a pink Vespa 🤣

[ol****]

Gosh, this is deep. Where do I even start.

I think love yourself first. If you can't manage that then, at least, learn to like yourself.  If you can't get that far then at least learn to understand yourself.

Loving yourself sounds terrible don't you think? It's not about being self absorbed, it's about being fully accepting of who you are. If you like, being 100% comfortable with who you are. To be honest if you can get to 80% comfortable with who you are that's pretty good.

If it was not rude to use caps I'd use caps for this bit. Being sub (or even being sub part time if that's you) is not the same as being ***d. However I think it's possible to wander into vanilla relationships which become abusive.  This is perhaps why those who have been ***d find their way to D/s? It's like you were looking for a D and you took a wrong turn on the map and ended up with an abusive asshole if you see what I mean.

The same as there are shades of s there are shades of D. It's just a case of finding what works for you. Go at your pace, set your own rules and stick to them.

[UnwiseSexCouple]

28 minutes ago, Messedup79 said:

I get that... makes a lot of sense... how about now... are you more functional? 

Actually it had all ended pretty happily: Now in a functional happy relationship. More or less. We do have our bad moments. But not many. Good communication, kindness etc.

[Deleted Member]

Yeah maybe there is some element of truth in that, that I was seeking some element of Dominant characteristics but took a wrong turn. I sometimes feel I need help steadying myself and need to take more time thinking whether someone has the characteristics I need rather than focussing on whether I can meet their needs. Maybe 

im definitely working on liking myself. Some days work out better than others but I’m getting there. 
 

Thanks for taking the time to process my ramblings and to respond ☺️

[Deleted Member]

2 minutes ago, UnwiseSexCouple said:

Actually it had all ended pretty happily: Now in a functional happy relationship. More or less. We do have our bad moments. But not many. Good communication, kindness etc.

That’s good to hear ☺️

[ca****]

8 hours ago, TAROTT said:

Good morning Messedup79 . I’m sitting here after reading your post and thinking how can I contribute in a way that possibly would help you. Ok here goes.... Firstly I want to reassure you that I really connect and understand how your mind is racing and I know that exhausting effort to make it through another day of greyness and doom . I’m a casualty of childhood *** and trauma and I feel and understand your negative thoughts.I have a mild autistic condition and the hell I go through trying to find peace in my life. Just like a car travelling at 100 mph your going to need to press the brakes to slow it down before you go off the cliff. It’s taken me years to find my mental brake pads . The *** in my mind decreases with..... Swimming, walking through woods/ country side , nature,art , music helping out my neighbours,giving, putting others first, reading,knowledge,history. Exhaust your life with doing as much as possible ( lockdown is hopefully coming to an end soon which will help) don’t worry about those dark question marks concerning fetishises, put it aside for the moment and when safe go out and try and get a fresh perspective on the here and now. Like you I’m never going to get away completely from the demons but I’ve learned to out wit them and disappoint their efforts in my self destruction. I have a lot of spiritual energy and I’m going to send you some healing and if you need to talk more about it then don’t hesitate. Ps it will get better

Brilliant reply.   Love it when i read something that i can relate to and also admire the way that it has been 'worded'.  I think it is good advice as well.

@Messedup79 Certain bits of your 'question' that I can relate to....    I can relate to being full of 'questions' / 'unknowns' and sometimes knowing what the answer is but not being bale to utilise it!   Making sense of it..........!!!   aghh      I have always fought it...   come up against the next hurdle (however 'small' and clambered over it, through it often under it....  sometimes I even have to carry it along with me...).  I think we have discussed counselling and how it helped me.. gave me an understanding and more acceptance of 'me' and gave me more 'ability'# to fight on through regardless....  still brings me down and is always there but i can battle it...

I believe i am somewhere on that 'scale' - yet I dont have a clue what the scale is or what it means...     

I believe that you can battle thru as well... and that is where I defer to Tarot's brilliant reply.....  I find myself agreeing very much about the finding something to 'concentrate' your mind...   I struggled with sleep (mildly) at one point... used to swim one evening a week  -the night of the swim I slept like a fish or is it a log?

 

Keep well.

[Deleted Member]

5 hours ago, Messedup79 said:

Thank you Kate. The doubt is a strong one and something that is hard for me to shake as I am sure it is the thing that has kept me caged for so long. I need to see that only I have the power to change that. But it’s a journey and I fall and graze my knee often. I bruise and bleed easily and heal slowly. But one day I’ll cherish the scars for the strength they have provided me...

it is a journey - so true. And whether your knees are grazed or not - you will still get there.

[Deleted Member]

@callipygian thank you kindly for your positive words . I also have no idea about the scale but feel like I’m in it . When I’m at home or with a small group of friends I’m normally ok . Put me in a large hall of people and my mind goes into a turbocharged wheel barrow full of horse shit that spills out over the floor . It’s like I can’t concentrate with the information my brain wants to understand. I can’t help but question and analysis all these people even if I know most of them. I m in a panic of internal debate on stupid things like who do I greet first will he or she be offended or the smell of the floor polish and then I might start looking for the emergency exit doors before noticing that my files are undone and what are they saying over there? Mad Random illogical thoughts it’s a ***y nightmare and some how I pray that I appear normal and at ease 

[ca****]

2 hours ago, TAROTT said:

@callipygian thank you kindly for your positive words . I also have no idea about the scale but feel like I’m in it . When I’m at home or with a small group of friends I’m normally ok . Put me in a large hall of people and my mind goes into a turbocharged wheel barrow full of horse shit that spills out over the floor . It’s like I can’t concentrate with the information my brain wants to understand. I can’t help but question and analysis all these people even if I know most of them. I m in a panic of internal debate on stupid things like who do I greet first will he or she be offended or the smell of the floor polish and then I might start looking for the emergency exit doors before noticing that my files are undone and what are they saying over there? Mad Random illogical thoughts it’s a ***y nightmare and some how I pray that I appear normal and at ease 

My counsellor (the most effective one!) used to describe how I acted similarly.  She said I would enter into a situation, let's say a meeting and I would take a spare set of eyes and pop them on the ceiling / in the corner and be watching everything that was happening around me.............  and creating some kind of internal angst / anxiety every time that what happened around suddenly included me!!!!      Post counselling (quite some time) - i had learned ways to feel more at ease in that kinda situation and have ways to deal with the build up / feeling of on coming angst.  Plus recognising that it 'can be' OK to feel a bit weird and anxious .