Is Vanilla a dirty word?

[Cruxdom]

I've been having kink feelings my entire life.But they were always tied to my sexuality! My Kink feelings are always in the bedroom.Im vanilla 90% of my life.I respect the people who are 24/7  but that's not me and I suspected that many others here are vanilla most of the time as well.Mmy problem is that some on this site use vanilla in a disparaging manner like having vanilla feelings and actions are wrong or to be sneered at! I mean no disrespect to my kinky brothers and ***s but I wish this anti vanilla campaign would cease! Am i overreacting? Please comments are welcome yes or nay! Ty for listening!

[Deleted Member]

Vanilla is a huge part of who I am and it balances everything. There was a point like you when maybe I thought I was too vanilla and even considered trying to hide it. I considered tryng to be more "Domly" when approaching others. Yet what's he point in that as this community is about being yourself, being honest and open about who you are. A wise kinkster who I hold in high regard said to me when I was struggling, trying to work out if I belonged "if you don't fit in vanilla then you will fit here" and that really hit home, helped me choose. Those who may sneer, those who may look down on you for being yourself are not worth a second thought and quite obviously go against a base protocol of the community. The one of acceptance whoever you are, so their opinions if they can't even stick to that most basic of rules really doesn't matter. Long live Vanilla, and Kink of course 😊

[qu****]

I feel that no matter how kinky someone is they do have vanilla elements to their life, even in 24/7 relationships and in slave relationships, I have chatted with 24/7 slaves on a more "normal" site and yes, they enjoyed the vanilla aspects as well, EMBRACE THE VANILLA, surely without vanilla it makes kink mundane

[Deleted Member]

I beleive in yin and yang, so i believe , as well, you need the perfect balance between kink and vanilla. Sometimes you just need the vanilla instead of the freaky

[ey****]

I think something to consider is that even in the more full 24/7 - the majority of almost everyone's life is "vanilla".  There's stuff like going to work and shopping, and adult duties or responsibilities - and, blah.  

Whilst in kink, some people's kink is a little bedroom or casual fun when possible - others maybe do have a clear ongoing protocol or dynamic : what that looks like you'd have to ask them, because it's individual, but it may surprise you.

I do think the term vanilla can be, or can seem like, it's a sneer - but context so often applies.  

[Deleted Member]

The kink would not be as meaningful without the vanilla. They balance each other. I know what you mean about the sneers. I tend to just ignore it because there’s enough hostility on the site as it is, but perhaps that’s wrong. I don’t take it personally but then I don’t actually care what other people think of my version of kinky except the people I am kinky with.

[sm****]

Hats off to those that can publicly do their thing 24/7 but the vast, vast majority can't.   At times I feel envious, but at the same time, go good for them, I am glad some can and when done in a respecting manner can only enhance others view of the BDSM community over time.

What does get my goat when you see a very few, and I do mean a very few people sneer and look down with snarky comments to those that openly say, "well i do vanilla most of the time"  the vast majority will keep both separate, we have to for numerous reasons. I just tend to ignore these people.  The people that count are the ones I interact with in the real world, be it kink or my daily vanilla life.  I treat both with the same respect and confidence. 

 I have seen the word vanilla used in a derogatory manner, not just recently but over the years, "it's not new" as if they are below them.  We tend to forget being scene or not, we are all the same people, same problems,  there is no real difference, just we are mentally attuned to other things than they are. 

Like myself, I keep my kink and scene stuff totally separate.  I fit kink in when i can, family, real life situations always come first.  I also personally believe that I have to have something in common with a person be it my daily life and kink life, for anything of meaning to continue.

On the whole the nearly everyone I have met in the real world through kink have the same attitude and outlook.

We are all unique no matter what pigeon hole we put ourselves or other in.

 

[Th****]

You raise a good point Crux.
Although I may wish to live my lifestyle with my partner for the majority of the the time.
The reality is that with work, social norms, and family, I end up spending the majority of my time pretending to be the me that passes better and more appropriately in a vanilla world.

I think this may be one of reasons for some of the tension between those two worlds that we see.

I prefer to remind myself that the vanilla word as a whole has not consented to witness my BDSM lifestyle. Thus it is my duty to presume that having not had explicit consent it is non consent.

At least it keeps the over thinking Dominant side of me happy. 😊

[qu****]

Depends on whether you mean sexually or just life in general, chatted with live-in 24/7 sub slaves, they still had to do the hoovering, washing etc, though granted they had to serve cups of tea in the correct manner, so yes vanilla does exist in a BDSM relationship

[Phoenyx]

Is there actually a defined line, between where "vanilla" ends, and "kink" begins?  I have quite a few hobbies and interests.  Many are purely vanilla---like scenic photography, insulator collecting, and vintage road maps.  Some of my hobbies may appear vanilla, but exist in both worlds---like designing and making my own leather clothing.  Most folks don't catch the connection.  My interest in software design came-about, through creating a program to generate form-fitting patterns for my leather-clothing.  So, where is the line between vanilla and kink, when everything is connected?

Truly, this is a very complex topic.  Many disparaging comments about the vanilla world, have come from folks whose lives have been negatively impacted, by public discovery of their kinky ways.  Their resentment is genuine.  But then, there are those who are simply obsessed with their own "shock value".  They want to throw their "lifestyle" in the face of "society"---a society that they see as too stilted and robotic.  This latter is very-much an "Us-against-Them" mob mentality---one of the great curses of our modern, interpersonal world.

In my time, I was often criticized for having too many "vanilla" interests.  In my position, I was expected to be "24/7", like the rest of The Scene's "nobility".  At the same time though, I was occasionally rebuked by my former mentor, for not knowing where to draw the line, when dealing with "The Public".  Having always been "marginalized" by modern society (for reasons that had nothing to do with kink) I really had no way of knowing where that "line" was.

All in all, it comes down to treating people as individuals.  Conversely, "society" is really nothing but a machine.  Hating society makes little more sense, than hating an old car that constantly needs repair.  One may grow sick of the constant anguish that it causes.  But, it is really just a soulless "thing".  Sure, there are those who mistakenly put society's demands above their own interpersonal relationships.  But again, the solution is to treat such folks as individuals, and not as the society that they supposedly represent.  "Prejudice" is nothing but a mentality imposed by mob rule.

[Leisa]

Good thought provoking post. While I love to say I won’t live a vanilla lifestyle I do live in a vanilla world and there are those who while not keeping it a secret per se I do not speak of it. Having been recently outed through no choice of my own it was a relief not to have to hide so much of what makes me individual. That being said there’s still the other 75% of my life where I’m left with little choice as it would cost me my work and the friends who don’t know though I think some may suspect. Crux you do you. Anyone who says they don’t live vanilla is lying to themselves at the very least. We all have aspects of our lives that are vanilla and it’s only a dirty word while exhibiting our kink side if that makes any sense.

[lolli-leigh]

A very thought provoking post Crux. We live in a world that is defined by a Vanilla setting. I applaud those who feel comfortable with living the Bdsm life style 24/7 as this is there choice. As with all marginalised groups some are comfortable and are able to challenging the norms of society, however we should never judge those that choose not too. We all are different, however this just shows unfortunately that we are all human and even in the Bdsm world people will  be judgemental. Continue to be your wonderful self Crux 

[LanceH]

Myself, I try to have a regular vanilla day with any partner I may have. It helps give space to have real discussion about any issues

[Deleted Member]

I am wrong to think there is a misunderstanding about that word? People might sneer at the vanilla sexual meaning not life. You can have a normal life like most of us but having a dark side when it comes to the bedroom situation. There is a very small proportion in the bdsm community that live the 24/7.
Anyway I never heard of the anti vanilla feeling here or any other sites, maybe some say it just to show off and probably don’t have any experience in bdsm either

[qu****]

There has been the odd case of it happening in chatrooms here, from what I saw it was aimed at those not talking "kink",

[pomonagirl]

Great topic! Everyone should pursue kink and/or BDSM to whatever level is appropriate for their lives and needs. <3 

[Phoenyx]

On 2/26/2021 at 9:53 PM, Cruxdom said:

My problem is that some on this site use vanilla in a disparaging manner like having vanilla feelings and actions are wrong or to be sneered at!

Most of the folks that I have noticed doing this, were also the ones pushing for "no limits" , "no safewords", and a total corruption of the concept of "consent non-consent".  In fact, those same people would often get belligerent or even abusive, when their ideas were challenged.  So, in many cases, we need to consider the source.

[Deleted Member]

Well look Crux, I never put Vanilla ice cream on my Amazon Fresh order...
But 90% of my life is vanilla too. I have a job [when my *** heals] in which I am on someone's team and my full thoughtful cooperation is vital. At home all my BDSM gear is safely put away for play time as we have a kid in living in the home. I love doing vanilla things and having vanilla feelings even with subbies but in general too. It doesn't detract one iota from my domliness. I applaud anyone who loves and lives as they wish, as long as everyone involved is happy with it.