What would you do?

[HellDweller]

So you meet someone and you tell them about the lifestyle..

They have no idea on what BDSM really is... and they are like: No, thats not me at all....sorry!

Do you try to convince them in getting educated about it or you just move on? 

Personally i have "BDSM Lifestyle" as first line in my tinder bio.. but most girls dont even bother or they just ignore it as they dont know what it is..

So i have to explain all the time... personally.. i will not see anyone who is not in the lifestyle as i dont want to waste time with Vanilla.

What would you do?

[Wo****]

Depends how much they know, how well they're known, how long has the interaction been?

 

Education is good but pressure isn't.

Not everyone is kinky or into the lifestyle.

[Jo2560]

Maybe suggest then to do some research if they are open to it, it's a reasonable suggestion if they don't even have the curiosity to do that in my opinion is someone that in general isn't open to explore new experiences that they don't understand so you probably better off anyway cause for me that's boring, you should try anything at least twice and then see what's your opinion

[qu****]

If they're not interested they're not interested simple as. Move on to someone who is

[ey****]

you have two very simple choices

1) you accept they're not interested and that this makes you incompatible and move onto the next person

2) you accept they're not interested; but there might be enough you have in common with them to make it an otherwise enjoyable/sustainable relationship

[Mz****]

As others have said, you can't, and truthfully shouldn't want to, try and *** something onto someone that they're not interested in, it might be helpful to think of it in terms of limits, depending on the rest of your conversation you might have an inkling this is a soft limit, perhaps you can nurture that with time, patience and good honest communication and sharing of information as she gets to know you, trust you and understand where you're coming from, or, which it sounds like from your post, it could be seen as a hard limit, in which case you have to accept that and either settle for a friendship or move on.

Edited February 27, 2021 by MzJax
Typo

[ey****]

As a further. It's not impossible a prospective partner will become interested in some element of kink or BDSM in the future.  But, I wouldn't gamble on that.

  

[Th****]

I think if you have that as the first line of your bio then they should be at least reading up a bit on what it is before thinking they kight match with you.this is very much part of who you are and they are either willing to invest or they aren't.

my hubby and I have been together for over 20 years and only last year did he reveal his submissive desires to me and that he has had these desires for several years. We were in a very vanilla relationship, my only understanding of BDSM was very mainstream (usually misrepresented) from films etc. I had no idea what a lot of the toys were for or why someone would even want to do some of the things (when we started looking at toys etc online). 
I read a book about being in a Female Led Relationship, we talked a lot about what it was he was really wanting and what we would/wouldn't be prepared to try. It's been a very bumpy road over the last year as we have navigated our way through learning how to live this lifestyle and we have both learnt a lot about ourselves. We've still got a long way to go and a lot to learn but we have decided this is the way forward for us now.

If it is very much part of your life then I think you owe it to yourself to find someone that wants to live this lifestyle with you. ❤️

[Deleted Member]

OP, I've been there. Heck, even within BDSM "dating" I've found that some of my kinks are beyond the interests of folks I've talked to. My personal experience has been: I'm better off putting my energy into something else until I come across someone compatible.
You might try different apps. I couldn't take more than 24 hours of explaining BDSM to curious tourists on Tinder.

[Deleted Member]

While tinder is a dating/sex site, some women are aware of what bdsm is. If they don’t approach you its because they might have tried and not interested anymore or they are just not interested simple.

As suggested it’s best to tried fetish site to find a bdsm life partner, you don’t go to the fishmonger to a swimming trunk.... 

[Bo****]

When you’re on a vanilla site, it doesn’t always mean they’re not into BDSM, but it likely means that isn’t a driving *** of their sex lives and they need to get comfortable with you before you break out the chains and diapers.

Up to you whether you want to invest in getting to know someone before really determining what they’re into sexually. For most, that’s an afterthought, not a primary facet of a relationship.

[ey****]

Last year I did a bit of a role call to interview guys who were in FLR's.   Obviously this is just a minor section of different BDSM relationships, or relationships that include facets of BDSM.

I ended up speaking to 5 guys (not a massive cross section, but still) only ONE of those five found their partner via a kink circle. 1 was Tinder, the rest just normal passive connections the way relationships sometimes form (at work, through a friend, so on)

I wouldn't discount the role of fetish circles, of course (I mean, I wouldn't be here *shrug*) but sometimes some of the problem is people looking in fetish circles make it all about kink, or their kinks, and sometimes that becomes all people have in common.  Or, appears to.

Not that that's necessarily a bad thing - but it certainly makes long term relationships very hard to build a basis on.  Like, there have to be other compatibilities. 

[Bo****]

4 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

Last year I did a bit of a role call to interview guys who were in FLR's.   Obviously this is just a minor section of different BDSM relationships, or relationships that include facets of BDSM.

I ended up speaking to 5 guys (not a massive cross section, but still) only ONE of those five found their partner via a kink circle. 1 was Tinder, the rest just normal passive connections the way relationships sometimes form (at work, through a friend, so on)

I wouldn't discount the role of fetish circles, of course (I mean, I wouldn't be here *shrug*) but sometimes some of the problem is people looking in fetish circles make it all about kink, or their kinks, and sometimes that becomes all people have in common.  Or, appears to.

Not that that's necessarily a bad thing - but it certainly makes long term relationships very hard to build a basis on.  Like, there have to be other compatibilities. 

This. The OP mentioned he’s using Tinder and I *know* people younger than me use that app for dating, but it still has a very strong “hey, let’s fuck” vibe to it.

If he’s looking for someone to fuck, I wouldn’t bother spending time with anyone who isn’t like “hells yes, BDSM!” But if he’s looking for an honest-to-god relationship, it still feels like you need to connect on additional levels than just kink.

Which makes dating really really hard. Good luck to him!

[ArizonaKinkster]

I agree to some extent. I'm not an BDSM ambassador or spokesperson for the community. It's funny because there are many ***ps out there who want you to sell it to them like it's Tupperware. With that said, "BDSM" lifestyle has how many thousands of interpretations based on the individual. I will always ask a few questions to gauge authenticity but stop short of a time share presentation on why they should have the same interests as me... that’s their journey not mine.

[cautiousswitch]

Move that line to later in your profile and give a little more detail on what aspects of the lifestyle you like and why you like them.  You don't have to go into too much detail, but do want to find a way to phrase it so that people who are into or curious of the lifestyle are more likely to be the ones who question you.