We need a new dedicated room in the chat rooms. The rules need changed.

[Je****]

3 minutes ago, Pervy_Paul said:

The Lobby is the only visible room for thousands of people who use the app, there's no point trying to direct them elsewhere, they can't see the other rooms. 

could this not be amended so they can see it rather than saying no point trying? it might make a little bit of difference and thats better than nothing x

[Sa****]

5 hours ago, JenniferTP said:We may be a broad community and do things on the edge but this site isn't filled with every day people who don't engage in the lifestyle in some way. But CNC is more so on an extreme kind of play basis, where consent is withdrawn and an act still carried out against their will, but yes this is what they want. There should be a room where people can discuss this nature of play because and importantly as you said "play the victim" it's NOT play for many people.

I have talked to you about this in private, but I am going to say something here now.
 

In CnC play consent is not withdrawn.

 

Not all CnC play is about play, it’s a broad term for many things.

 

The lobby is for everyone, and that is the key element here.

 

If you want a room, where no one speaks about kink, then open a safe room. You could call it what you would like, of course, if you prefer "Boobs and Kittens" sure.

 

People with triggers have to be aware of their triggers, as I have to be.

 

If you say everything EXCEPT CnC play can be spoken about in the lobby, then you are excluding them.

 

For some *** play is the most extreme kink, others it’s ***. One reason many people don’t agree with a safe room is that you know only a few people will be there and the room will be boring. That is not fair to a large percentage of the people that play in CnC. We are a BDSM site and any form of BDSM should be able to be talked about.

 

I can say this as someone that has been through and I play in CnC. A lot of the internet is closed off to us because we have an alternative lifestyle but this site is open to us. Fetish has always championed Diversity and defended it. The only fair way to not set someone’s triggers off is to open your own safe room where no extreme play can be discussed.

 

I am not here to hurt anyone’s feelings but look at the big picture of what CnC entails. Jen, I have seen you discuss a few things that would fall under the strict category of CnC.

[Je****]

2 minutes ago, Sara-Secrets said:

I have talked to you about this in private, but I am going to say something here now.
 

In CnC play consent is not withdrawn.

 

Not all CnC play is about play, it’s a broad term for many things.

 

The lobby is for everyone, and that is the key element here.

 

If you want a room, where no one speaks about kink, then open a safe room. You could call it what you would like, of course, if you prefer "Boobs and Kittens" sure.

 

People with triggers have to be aware of their triggers, as I have to be.

 

If you say everything EXCEPT CnC play can be spoken about in the lobby, then you are excluding them.

 

For some *** play is the most extreme kink, others it’s ***. One reason many people don’t agree with a safe room is that you know only a few people will be there and the room will be boring. That is not fair to a large percentage of the people that play in CnC. We are a BDSM site and any form of BDSM should be able to be talked about.

 

I can say this as someone that has been through and I play in CnC. A lot of the internet is closed off to us because we have an alternative lifestyle but this site is open to us. Fetish has always championed Diversity and defended it. The only fair way to not set someone’s triggers off is to open your own safe room where no extreme play can be discussed.

 

I am not here to hurt anyone’s feelings but look at the big picture of what CnC entails. Jen, I have seen you discuss a few things that would fall under the strict category of CnC.

i agree that everyone should be able to talk about things, which is why a specific room would be beneficial for all involved. more and more people seem to be speaking out about triggers in the lobby and voicing themselves so something will possibly get done by the admin as they see fit from previous comments. or its at least being discussed. 

we will need to see what happens but if it keeps up where people are constantly upsetting people they will just leave and not come back. it is a big umbrella i agree. but perhaps a general room could stay general and people can consent to reading more extreme stuff so its not tossed upon someone unexpected. but im happy to wait and see then make a choice on where i go next.

[Sa****]

19 minutes ago, JenniferTP said:

i agree that everyone should be able to talk about things, which is why a specific room would be beneficial for all involved. more and more people seem to be speaking out about triggers in the lobby and voicing themselves so something will possibly get done by the admin as they see fit from previous comments. or its at least being discussed. 

we will need to see what happens but if it keeps up where people are constantly upsetting people they will just leave and not come back. it is a big umbrella i agree. but perhaps a general room could stay general and people can consent to reading more extreme stuff so its not tossed upon someone unexpected. but im happy to wait and see then make a choice on where i go next.

Then you will have to pull all kink talk out of the lobby because you have no clue what will trigger someone.
CnC/ play is one person’s trigger but a *** of breathe play is someone else’s, who are we to say one is a worse trigger then the other. “You kink is not my kink, but that’s ok.”

[Bo****]

3 hours ago, JenniferTP said:

If a CNC room was there, that talk would auto go in there and everyone is happy and able to talk freely.

This is unlikely to be the case. People tend to cluster in groups both online and online. If there are three people in the CNC room and 15 people in the general room, a new person is vastly more likely to join the general room, regardless of there interests. As @Lady_Charmentioned before, chat tends to grind to a halt with less than ten people. This site just doesn't get enough traffic to support multiple active chat rooms. 

[Th****]

8 hours ago, Annalou said:

The thing is, we already have various rooms for these different subjects, but people use the lobby as the main room. I wonder if it's a messaging and branding issue, rather than a technical one. The separation is there – we just need to tell people to use the designated chat rooms. Food for thought. 

I think that this got passed over and raises a very important point.

The basic framework is in place already for whatever is desired and I think that if a green room is needed then it could well be done by rebranding one of the other rooms. The high protocol room seems to get more use but "Kinksters and Fetishists" seems mostly empty. Rebranding may be exactly the key here.

 

I felt strongly that we should protect The Lobby as a beacon for Diversity and Inclusion for any Gender, Sexuality or choice of play. More so as it seems, this is the only room that 1000s of members can access on the site.

The thought of joining Fetish and finding yourself in a chat room where you cannot mention your Kink is a very disturbing thought.

                                                                                                 ***TRIGGER WARNING***

                                                                              

Many of us in the CnC community have fought against this misunderstanding for more years than I have been in the lifestyle, and trust me, that is a lot.

To be very clear here, CnC has boundaries, it has safe words, even if they are not used. It may sound brutal. It requires a depth of trust, understanding, and ability to read your partner's body language.  It is planned and discussed so the party feels safe to give up control in a manner they are confident will be ultimately safe.

In this, the first C in CnC is the most important - Consensual

If it is not Consensual, it is not BDSM.

Exactly the same thing goes for r apeplay, it is the paradigm of the real thing. There is communication, limits, safe words, exit scenarios, and everything you would expect in a scene. When couples have been together for multiple years and they are brilliant at reading one another. This works much the same way. The in R ape Play is not real it is something there is control over ultimately.

The turn on is giving up control so much, but with in bounds, that is sexy to some.

No one wants to be ***d , it is not sexy at all. This is the misconception.

We are focusing on differences here when we should focus on our common grounds as a community. Consent is a serious issue in any part of BDSM and in all parts. I am sure we can agree with that. In that CnC players are no different. 

We are a community that is stronger without divides, stronger supporting one another and not fighting each other.

We are the weird ones in the corner, there is great strength, unity and the best of comradeship in that.

*Takes his soap box with him.*

 

 

 

Edited March 4, 2021 by Thebian
grammar

[Leisa]

I respect that there are those who talk of a variety of topics is going to be a trigger of some sort. There are already rules in place for things that may trigger and it’s up to even those triggered to be aware of what those rules are. It’s simple. Something triggers someone then politely ask for a topic change. If your request is ignored call a chat operator and the chat operator will curtail the conversation on to something else. I’m not being insensitive to anyone. I have triggers just like others but it’s how I’ve chosen to handle those triggers that set each of us apart from the other.

While there are already more extreme rooms the lobby is the main chat room. These rooms see very little traffic and in all likelihood any additional rooms will be also. The easier solution would be for the triggered person(s) to open up their own room where they can control the conversation and content thereby making it their safe space. While most of us live in many aspects a “vanilla” life I do not want a room so general that anything past cocktails is considered too risqué. I understand CNC is a trigger. I think that the members and mods do a good job of policing each other. Unfortunately there are not enough mods to patrol the lobby 24/7. As invincible as the bondage bear is even if needs to sleep. Im not trying to be snarky but maybe a solution could be that if someone is triggered and it continues to happen they can be invited to put in a mod application to assist in keeping content considered triggering out of the chat. That way they are assured that there is a mod on duty while they’re in the lobby chatting.

Ultimately it comes down to the age old saying that you cannot please everybody 💯 of the time. You can only strive to please those in greater numbers. Just remember your trigger is someone else’s kink and just like you feel alienated for having a trigger, they feel alienated for having a kink. It’s easier for one to remove themself for a short period then to have 20 remove their kinks and fetishes. The topics flow and ebb in the lobby, mostly swiftly changing, a short 5-10 minute break to gather composure is all that is necessary.

[Ar****]

1 hour ago, BoulderDom said:

This is unlikely to be the case. People tend to cluster in groups both online and online. If there are three people in the CNC room and 15 people in the general room, a new person is vastly more likely to join the general room, regardless of there interests. As @Lady_Charmentioned before, chat tends to grind to a halt with less than ten people. This site just doesn't get enough traffic to support multiple active chat rooms. 

15 might be manageable for decent conversation yes, although when I've popped in (which hasn't been for a while, admittedly, perhaps it is quieter now) there has typically been 30-40+ members while other rooms have often had maybe only three. I can't keep up with that many people so don't tend to visit any more, which is my call and I'm fine with, but I'm aware of other users who find it too "busy" to use - a more even spread over the different rooms, which is already doable if people took advantage, might then encourage more traffic, greater interaction, plus have the added bonus of giving people multiple conversation topics to dip in and out of (should they choose). I suppose it also depends a great deal upon the time of day/week when one goes on. I do agree that a CNC room would be very specific and not well-attended though. I don't know, I'm thinking out loud as it were... 🤔

[Ky****]

its not lack of compassion jen, and i certainly don't consider that an individual should be told to accept that they have triggers, its just that with so many people with so many experiences and interests I'm dubious as to how feasible it is, would luv 2b proved wrong though

[Je****]

Block me if you feel i am kink shaming, silencing people or not understanding. 

As long as you're aware it's more than just me who feels this way. Maybe some day, someone else will voice themselves, so i'm not taking the brunt of this for bringing it to attention. 

For this reason i am saying nothing more on the topic. 

[Deleted Member]

I see it as this: we all have choice and unfortunately many of us have triggers. When we come into a situation that may pull that trigger we have the choice to remove ourselves. This is what I do.
If you are aware that your trigger is making you nervous of being in a situation then it our own responsibility to work through it. It is not the responsibility of others not to mention certain scenarios for *** of offence.
We all know that there are topics in BDSM that are challenging but they are valid topics never the less.
Exercise choice, build your coping strategies and move forwards.
I hope this helps, written with love for those that need it💙

[qu****]

The majority of this is covered in chatroom rules, unfortunately trolling will continue regardless, look at other social media platforms larger than here, even they seem unable to control it, I think that's the main problem, the comments aimed at others even when they're aware it's upsetting, most do accept when told certain things aren't really for lobby chat, and most do apologise for it, but unfortunately despite there being 3 permanent rooms the majority do use the lobby, I mean how many times have you looked in other rooms to see last chat was 3 or more hours ago, and then it's more or less a look at me advert

[Shenna]

My views on this is simple we all have triggers, but we all know when to leave or if it goes on too long we subtly change the topic. I've successfully changed topics as well as others when no one has realised.  

Well easier said than done,  change the subject. If I and many others can do it change it if its too much leave the room and come back an hour later. Because guaranteed the topic would have changed at least 5 times in an hour if not more. 

I have nothing against CnC I've been ***d all my life I'm even in a DV relationship that slowly I'm trying to break free from. But I never ever stop someone from talking freely about their lifestyle because I have triggers. I even had conversations with members kink that is my trigger but I ask why they interested what got them into it. Why they like it, I never shied away from asking questions and I get answers back and thats even though its my trigger. Because that's what friends do we talk it through. 

But I am having help from a brilliant BDSM friendly therapist councilor who is amazed by my life I've started to open up more about myself. Helps me to look more at myself rather than what people think of me or how I have been treated my entire life. 

And do you know what !!! If it wasn't for this site and the fantastic members here who got me to realise that I am in a abusive relationship I wouldn't have got the help that I needed. So Hi 5 to all my Famlam for their guidance and advice and massive support. 

We have a rule as kink we don't shame those who prefer a certain kink life style. We fought hard to be who we wanted to be. We can be who we want to be in here!!

The community works with us because they know how hard it is to have a secret lifestyle before it became more open where as out life style is still regarded as not fun but ***, in the some eyes of the law. (UK unsure about other countries). 

The way I see it don't like it come back an hour later. Or subtly change the topic.

Because at this rate political correctivenes will change the site and it will no longer be fun to be us anymore. 

I'm a sub and I am proud to be a sub if I want to talk freely about my kink in rope, flogging, paddling etc.. every trick in the book I wouldn't expect someone to tell me it offends them and I have to stop talking as well as others.

I have stopped one time when someone asked me let's change the subject, We never ever had issues in the 2 years I have been here. 

We are family here I've been treated with a lot more respect here than I have on the vanilla World. I'm sure others here would say too about themselves. 

So I'm sorry why should we be ***d to go to another room because it upsets you. If it was part of the site rules yes I would open the room but not many people would follow in. Preventing free talk about our kink is like going against our kink.!!! Why cause a divide amongst friends and members by punishment to another room. Thats like a parent saying you said a bad word go to your room and think about what you have done. 

I'm standing up for my fellow kinksters and this site. I like it how it is it works well with everyone. We have made a lot of connections with friends why separate us like a shameful bad person as a bad influence. We are who we are and no one should be treated differently or sent to another room unless site rules state for certain things. We are not bad people we are kinksters this is our place to talk freely about our kink. ( site rules apply). 

Drops mic......Stands down from soap box 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[qu****]

Yes, from my experience in the lobby it always returns to food 😋

[sm****]

Well said Shenna, and thanks for being open and honest about your life in and out of kink there and how it and people have helped you.  This is the scene, genuine people are there for us all be it kink or vanilla.

I can speak as an old scene hand, well before we had mass online communication, forums, chatrooms to chat about our kinks in.  Nobody could discus their kinks openly, life was damn draconian trying to not be outed, lose  jobs, home and family due to our lifestyles.  Things are more open now, some subjects are taboo then as now.  But kinks were never taboo!

We try and be as inclusive as possible, but when you stifle debate on most subjects on modern communication outlets we have now, like chat you become a dictatorship.  People will soon leave as it's not helping them learn or expand.  Remember people are her on a fetish site for that fetish! this encompasses a wide field of kink subjects.

There are set subjects we don't talk about or ever should on a moral and legal ground.

But when you literally kink shame because your triggered on a certain word or sunject:-

A: leave for an hour or so as the topic will soon change " like quietlysure said we soon go back to food" btw i sucked the jaffas.

B: why should people be ***d to move out because they want to talk with plenty of people with similar kinks.  It's called being an adult. 

All i see is maybe one or two people throwing toys out the pram because they don't get their way.  The vast majority of replies do not want a restricted vanilla room, this is what will happen.  Yes set things that are forbidden by law and morals as a site rule.

At the end of the day the vast vast majority of people will be in The Lobby we go from talking Jaffa cakes to full on rope work and scarification.  It is a FET site after all and should never be turned in to a "DIET COKE" version of kink. 

[Deleted Member]

Basically, the whole freedom of s***ch thing is important. It's important for people who want to talk about CNC and R to have a safe space to do so. 

The people that these conversations trigger ALSO have freedom of s***ch. The TRIGGERED people are being told to leave.. which is the issue. 

If people have no conscious about triggering people, then that's their problem. They should learn empathy. Instead of getting their hackles up and telling them to leave. Have some compassion. 

We, as a community need to respect everyone. No matter what they are into.

The people who are into CNC and R play NEED to respect people who aren't. People who have been psychologically damaged by such stuff. It's not fair for anyone who's coming into the lobby talking about rope and feet to see a wall of stuff that could majorly set them back on their recovery from ***. 

Have a heart.

Talk about it elsewhere. That's all I'm asking. For mods to watch more closely and tell people to use another chat room when this stuff is being discussed. 

[Deleted Member]

Also, please don't make this into a witch hunt for Jen.

You know what the last thing someone who has dealt with this stuff needs? 

Is to have it flaunted.

Some people, they know who they are, seem to be targeting her and bring it up maliciously. 

Needs to stop.

[Deleted Member]

 

1 minute ago, FETMOD-PR said:

How can we possibly predict what someone's going to say until they've said it? What you're asking for simply isn't possible. 

Make STRICT rules about it.

[Pervy_Paul]

There's a rule that you shouldn't post personal ads in chat... does that mean it never happens? 

The only way you could stop it is if every message was pre-approved. It's not possible. 

Edited March 5, 2021 by Pervy_Paul

[Deleted Member]

Seeing a lot of passion for both viewpoints reading over the thread.

Firstly anyone triggered by something, I'm truly sorry you have had that life experience to cause such distress.

 

That said:-

If people wanted a vanilla chat room? Why come to one of the premium Fetish community sites? There are endless places to chat vanilla online.

Having established we are on a  Fetish Website, this place is supposed to welcome and embrace people of all kinks, view points and share without judgment, what is extreme to you may be very vanilla to someone else.

So why should the site cater to you and not them? 

Answer it cant so it must remain inclusive.

 

If you have a problem with the conversation in a Fetish websites chat room? It's a 'you' problem and it's down to you to step away and come back when ready. You are an adult and chosen to be in a place that invites some very extreme lifestyles.

The internet and Fet.com cannot cater to 7.6 Billion people's problems, it's a place to come and share as a community.

If you don't like what's being shared? 'You' have the choice, power and ability to remove yourself from that situation.

 

As for spreading to specialists chat rooms? It's not going to happen there aren't enough people/new traffic, the chat often naturally evolves in general and you would kill allot of what this site is about and stands for.

 

Finally when you aren't hearing what you want to hear and people don't agree with you, that doesn't mean the opposing viewpoint is not compassionate or understanding,  let's not label people on a Fetish website of all places?

 

[Je****]

5 minutes ago, Laurah said:

Also, please don't make this into a witch hunt for Jen.

You know what the last thing someone who has dealt with this stuff needs? 

Is to have it flaunted.

Some people, they know who they are, seem to be targeting her and bring it up maliciously. 

Needs to stop.

I have tried to explain this, i am told to leave cus i am not coping with my triggers. That's fine. I'll do just that, but it's more than just me suffering from this. No one will listen to my point or understand unless they can hear me say it in person and better explain, but even at that, people assume i mean the worst because it's me.

I will learn to deal with that.

Some people are strong, like Shenna for instance, i guess i'm not one of those people and that's clearly my fault but i will not be accused of shaming anyone by asking for sensitivity. Thats the last thing i am doing. I need to step away from this, i cannot deal with the backlash anymore. 

I'll just wait it out and deal where i can personally. 

I appreciate you addressing this though Laurah. <3

[Je****]

2 minutes ago, Pervy_Paul said:

There's a rule that you shouldn't post personal ads in chat... does that mean it never happens? 

The only way you could stop it is if every message was pre-approved. It's not possible. 

someone is much more likely to come in asking for a mistress to serve than shouting about R and ***. its not the first thing people shout about as a newbie/***king into chat.  but i see what you mean about comments.

[Deleted Member]

3 minutes ago, Pervy_Paul said:

There's a rule that you shouldn't post personal ads in chat... does that mean it never happens? 

The only way you could stop it is if every message was pre-approved. It's not possible. 

Every message could be observed and removed. Send warnings to people. 

Just get a few more mods. Won't cost the site anything. They don't get paid anyway. 

Need to safeguard the *** instead of telling them to leave.

[Mz_Whiplash]

My triggers are not your triggers as my kinks are not yours but I have respect for all and freedom to talk about things that might distress me.  I see it that I have 2 choices, I ask nicely for a change of topic.. which I have done or I lurk.  This site gives us the opportunity to openly discuss peoples kinks including CNC.

[Pervy_Paul]

5 minutes ago, Laurah said:

Every message could be observed and removed.

At lightening s***d, before anyone else sees it right? 

Seriously? Just sit and have a think about that for a few minutes.