We need a new dedicated room in the chat rooms. The rules need changed.

[Deleted Member]

3 minutes ago, Pervy_Paul said:

At lightening s***d, before anyone else sees it right? 

Seriously? Just sit and have a think about that for a few minutes. 

Easier solution, then. Have a separate room.

[Pervy_Paul]

7 minutes ago, Laurah said:

Easier solution, then. Have a separate room.

That won't stop people mentioning it in the Lobby. 

[Je****]

12 minutes ago, Mz_Whiplash said:

My triggers are not your triggers as my kinks are not yours but I have respect for all and freedom to talk about things that might distress me.  I see it that I have 2 choices, I ask nicely for a change of topic.. which I have done or I lurk.  This site gives us the opportunity to openly discuss peoples kinks including CNC.

 

 

indeed no two people have the same triggers

but people are mistaking the point or intention of the post.

it is not a post saying "do not talk about this"

no one should have to stop talking about their kink, which in a main room, will happen at some stage cus someone will ask them to stop. in a specific room there would be no limits to these details. i feel bad having to ask someone to stop talking about something when i am stressed but i also feel horrid when im told to just "leave then" or have people mentioning my specific triggers into conversations as "examples" when i come in. its happened a lot lately. 

 

every one should be respected and appreciated. we are all here for the same reason. asking for a seperate room has been taken way wrong and i am sorry for that. but i am not trying to silence or shame anyones kink. but a trend is VERY evident on this post. silently too.

so i will say no more in the lobby and just take myself off if/when i am triggered. 

[qu****]

The problem comes from those few who aren't respectful when a situation involving triggers arises, apart from very few exceptions nobody knowingly does it, and most are mortified if they unexpectedly say something that upsets, but trolls exist and probably sit hunched over their keyboard and screen wanking at the upset they've caused, just remember in this forum post and in chatrooms we are all friends trying to help stop trolling here, that's the important thing, as I've said we don't knowingly say something to cause upset

[Bambi1288]

Basically I just been sitting back observing the conversation noticing that this conversation been going on for a few days now... Coming from a newbie point of view I only been in this lifestyle for a year now reading through the comments not once I've i heard anyone just asking for a vanilla chat room🤔 now I am not here to shame anyone's kink or preference of choice! But just being on this site I have come across a few people that are into CNC and other extreme kinks, by me saying that I am willing to learn and to explore things that I have not ventured into but I have read up on most of the kinks and BDMS roles which is my responsibility. For example I have spoken to a person that we have connected, good conversation,until we started talking more into the things that he likes I allowed him to talk and express his self and when he was done speaking he asked my opinion I responded to him that I will be uncomfortable and probably would not allow the things that he asked of me to do.I told him to allow me to think on this and I will have an answer for him. When I thought thoroughly on the things that he told to me I came up with a solution that I asked for him which would be basically starting from the basics by me being new and unexperienced in that sort of play, you would have to gain my full trust I will have to know mentally that you are stable to do the certain things that you are asking to do.I gave him a choice to think on it because like I said before it's his preference his choice on what he decided to do just like I have the right as well he decided to move on which I was fine with that I don't want someone that is not willing to take the time to build up my trust he wanted to do the things right off back that is a red flag for me! No I'm not saying that the ones that are on here speaking are doing the same thing that this gentleman has done to me, I'm just using an example on that experience that I have by knowing this people have a choice in the matter in their lifestyle!the most important thing is to understand the others point of view not attacking or shaming or making that person feel like they're wrong for speaking up on how they feel! It's there right to do so! Now I could be wrong the ones that are strongly going against or having an issue of having separate rooms could be the ones that are really into that extreme role playing. Carefully reading the comments No one's attacking on that lifestyle that you're doing they're just saying it's uncomfortable of hearing the conversation No one's telling you to stop what you're doing they just uncomfortable with the conversation! Obviously there are people that have *TRIGGERS* But to attack those that does have them just to say leave the chat so that you can enjoy the things that you like seem selfish to me and that you're not thinking on the other person's point of view and their concerns that's where I feel also though that understanding needs to come into play! Put yourself in their shoes...now I do admit there was a gentleman I'm sorry that I don't know your name or your profile name but he explained the CNC where some might get some misunderstanding about it! Yes I thought that my safe words wouldn't be able to be used and I will be giving up my consent to my partner fully.... Just reading this thread has given me a good understanding on things that I like to learn and i take from the things that I can apply to my life... I feel as though it's all about respect and respect the others of their opinions and concerns. Just like you will want to be respected you have to give the same to others!!!! That's just my thoughts and I just want to put my input

[qu****]

The thing is it's not really about what you're into, whether you're slightly vanilla or a hardcore bdsmer, you have the right to feel safe in the chatrooms, not everyone will know you have triggers but when it becomes apparent we rally around helping both the triggee and the triggerer, ( not real terms I know), and then calmly move on, usually as I've said before returning to food chat, the problem lies solely with those who think it's acceptable and funny to carry on referencing the trigger in full knowledge it's hurtful, yes you can leave the room, then what, return and still get the same upsetting references, and whilst it isn't necessarily common, even once is too much, no matter how many rooms were opened up these trolls would still enter and start. All we can do is tell someone to calm the chat down or report them when these situations arise, and if there was a more vanilla room, would innuendoes be deemed to much? See it's far more complex than it appears on paper. And yes Bambi your input is recognised, understood and respected ☺️

[Bambi1288]

Thank you quietlysure😌

[Deleted Member]

If people are deliberately triggering Jen or others - report them. Anyone who sees it happens. Report them. That’s the behaviour we can all agree is not acceptable. As for the rest - this conversation stems from another post so it’s been going on for some weeks if not longer. I don’t think we will reach consensus anymore than another disparate group of people would. I’ve seen people called too sensitive or not sensitive enough but there are two sides to this issue and always will be. The best solution would seem to use the functions on the site to change things rather than rely on human nature. And @Annalouhas said she will take those ideas forward.

[Sa****]

6 hours ago, Bambi1288 said:

. Carefully reading the comments No one's attacking on that lifestyle that you're doing they're just saying it's uncomfortable of hearing the conversation No one's telling you to stop what you're doing they just uncomfortable with the conversation! Obviously there are people that have *TRIGGERS* But to attack those that does have them just to say leave the chat so that you can enjoy the things that you like seem selfish to me and that you're not thinking on the other person's point of view and their concerns that's where I feel also though that understanding needs to come into play! Put yourself in their shoes...

Numerous people in BDSM have been through a traumatic event in their lives. We have used BDSM to heal and take our power back. We understand triggers and exactly how awful they feel when treated without care. We are not trying to be selfish, but for most of us, this is a lifestyle, not just a casual choice. We try to be there for the new members and help them navigate through this lifestyle. There is a wide range of kinks, many of which are accepted even in the “vanilla” world. While the "vanilla" world looks down upon some other of our kinks. A lot of us had to hide what and who we are because in the hands of outsiders our lifestyle can cost us our jobs, families and even our liberty. There is a saying, “Your kink is not my kink, but that is okay.” This is our safe place, a kink positive site that encourages and educates. If I am on a vanilla site, I need to be respectful to them. I have to be aware most are uncomfortable with BDSM. When I was working through my trauma, they taught me that if something triggers me, I should take myself out of that situation and go somewhere that I felt safe. It was, of course, only one of many coping mechanisms. We have to be responsible for our triggers. I can not ask the world around me to change just for me. That is why you keep hearing people say remove yourself from the room. Just the fact that we silence a person in a room for merely mentioning their kink makes them feel their kink is less valid than other people's. When I am told I need to move from the room purely because a kink of mine is triggering. To a room where I can join all the other people with unacceptable kinks. In my head, that sounds like someone stating that I am wrong in my kink. That I should be ashamed of my kink. and it is telling newbies they should not be open about that same kink. I can understand if some people are getting really detailed about CnC,  then ask if they can move rooms, sure. That is totally reasonable. Many people like to watch and learn about this, but now you are saying, "Nope, that kink can’t be talked about because it is triggering."
 

“In the BDSM community, CNC stands for consensual non-consent, also known as play. Although it varies from scene to scene, it's usually an extreme power exchange where, according to prior negotiation, there is a victim overcome by a predator by ***. People who enjoy this play often enjoy either the extreme lack of control or extreme control on either side of the exchange. *This type of scene does not encourage ACTUAL . * Scenes are done after much negotiation between of-age, consenting adults.”

You are not giving up your consent. @Bambi1288 - you said that you thought you would give up your safe word as well. That is absolutely your choice. The consensuality of this kink means we can take it as far as we feel comfortable. As long as you consent to give it up. Welcome aboard! I think what really annoys me most though and what I take more personally than all I said before is that the very people attacking CnC now. Have themselves fantasized about CnC play in the chat Lobby. It was okay then, but only what they liked about it. Even some primal play would fall under CnC. This is good old-fashioned One True Wayism saying that it’s ok for me to talk about it but not you cause I don’t like how you do your CnC. I don’t think the person was trying to be kink-shaming but the effect was exactly that. If you look back in the forums you can see that the Topic Kink vs. Triggers has been running for many years now and just like before neither side is 100% right. Let's hope that Fetish has the strength to stay Kink Positive for us.

[Bambi1288]

@Sara-SecretsThank you for your opinion on my response in my input on my comment that I have made. Like I stated before there's certain things that I do not understand and I take full responsibility to knowledge myself in those things... I read carefully and educated myself and did online conference about the BDSM lifestyle and community I may not have the same experience as others going through this lifestyle but I'd have dealt with my own judgmental people just dealing with my own ***rs everybody comes from different walks of life and I understand completely where you're coming from... Although I have been reading a lot knowledge is power and I am willing to learn more! But the comment that I have made was morally focused on the youn women that was expressing how she felt about the CNC and R play or extreme kink. In the response by me saying I felt that it was selfish to me by telling that person to just leave, I would say the same thing to any one else that was asked to leave it's unfair. It goes both ways, instead work with that person, I believe in working out a solution where everybody should be happy at! Now I'm not speaking on behalf of this young lady but from my point of view if I was in that position and I was uncomfortable but I still want to conversate because I was there and just a few people not majority not the whole chat but just a few people speaking on that one topic why not take it to another room or start a group chat where y'all can freely talk amongst yourselves without you worrying about triggering or offending or upsetting the other people (plural) It's about compromising and respecting others' opinion and their space of comfort! I'm sorry that you feel as though that the CNC was being attack because that was not my attentions My solely focus was on this young woman and her opinion matters her concerns matters and who ever else feel the same as her! Unfortunately you have woman and gentlemen that might be in the same boat as her but will not speak up because they feel as though their opinion doesn't matter! I just wanted to stay on the focus of respecting others and their opinions and their concerns....The other stuff that you have mentioned I will take in consideration and knowledge myself and informing myself in that Thank you I really appreciate you explaining and telling me your point of view! But if you felt as though I offended you or attacked you and others on here in the lifestyle that you choose to do! Then my apologies like I said before that was not my intentions! I stayed focused on what was said during these few days of conversation where I seen that I wanted to step in and speak my opinion I said what I said no disrespect!😌

[Sa****]

35 minutes ago, Bambi1288 said:

@Sara-Secrets Thank you for your opinion on my response in my input on my comment that I have made. Like I stated before there's certain things that I do not understand and I take full responsibility to knowledge myself in those things... I read carefully and educated myself and did online conference about the BDSM lifestyle and community I may not have the same experience as others going through this lifestyle but I'd have dealt with my own judgmental people just dealing with my own ***rs everybody comes from different walks of life and I understand completely where you're coming from... Although I have been reading a lot knowledge is power and I am willing to learn more! But the comment that I have made was morally focused on the youn women that was expressing how she felt about the CNC and R play or extreme kink. In the response by me saying I felt that it was selfish to me by telling that person to just leave, I would say the same thing to any one else that was asked to leave it's unfair. It goes both ways, instead work with that person, I believe in working out a solution where everybody should be happy at! Now I'm not speaking on behalf of this young lady but from my point of view if I was in that position and I was uncomfortable but I still want to conversate because I was there and just a few people not majority not the whole chat but just a few people speaking on that one topic why not take it to another room or start a group chat where y'all can freely talk amongst yourselves without you worrying about triggering or offending or upsetting the other people (plural) It's about compromising and respecting others' opinion and their space of comfort! I'm sorry that you feel as though that the CNC was being attack because that was not my attentions My solely focus was on this young woman and her opinion matters her concerns matters and who ever else feel the same as her! Unfortunately you have woman and gentlemen that might be in the same boat as her but will not speak up because they feel as though their opinion doesn't matter! I just wanted to stay on the focus of respecting others and their opinions and their concerns....The other stuff that you have mentioned I will take in consideration and knowledge myself and informing myself in that Thank you I really appreciate you explaining and telling me your point of view! But if you felt as though I offended you or attacked you and others on here in the lifestyle that you choose to do! Then my apologies like I said before that was not my intentions! I stayed focused on what was said during these few days of conversation where I seen that I wanted to step in and speak my opinion I said what I said no disrespect!😌

I never felt attacked just wanted to kinda explain where everyone is coming from. I did try to message you to welcome you and open the discussion if you would like. Thank you for your input.

[Bambi1288]

@Sara-SecretsI really would like that I don't have a problem on learning MORE that's what its all about!! Thank you for your welcome appreciate it😌

[Leisa]

Yesterday at 08:40 AM, Laurah said:

Easier solution, then. Have a separate room.

There are already separate rooms and they’re not used. Do you honestly think people would use a room dedicated to just extreme kind? Instead maybe there should be a room solely dedicated to just less extreme play. I don’t see that happening either. Honey I’m sorry for your triggers. I too have some that no one knows about. It’s during those times I take 5 rather then expecting everyone else to change a topic that is getting a lot of airplay. You’ve been in the lobby long enough to know that the topics change rapidly. If you post a gif of boobs the topic invariably changes.

[Leisa]

Yesterday at 08:29 AM, Laurah said:

Every message could be observed and removed. Send warnings to people. 

Just get a few more mods. Won't cost the site anything. They don't get paid anyway. 

Need to safeguard the *** instead of telling them to leave.

Laurah mods are already overworked and I’ve counted 4 different ones at various times in the evenings and 3 during the day. It’s impossible to remove comments before anyone sees them. Mods cater to the needs of the many, the breaking of the rules, and the flow of conversation. You don’t like a topic ask for it to change.

[Leisa]

Yesterday at 08:07 AM, Laurah said:

Also, please don't make this into a witch hunt for Jen.

You know what the last thing someone who has dealt with this stuff needs? 

Is to have it flaunted.

Some people, they know who they are, seem to be targeting her and bring it up maliciously. 

Needs to stop.

The one thing that has bothered me about this entire thread is that Jen has been attacked. She’s expressing strong feelings and beliefs. Unfortunately when you do that there is a lot of backlash. Whether i agree with her POV or not I’m proud of her for standing her ground. No one should be made to feel that they cannot voice their thoughts and beliefs. Be it here or in the lobby. Not sure if you see the correlation or not but it’s about free s***ch for all without *** of repercussions. Best to you on your journey.

[Je****]

6 minutes ago, Leisa said:

The one thing that has bothered me about this entire thread is that Jen has been attacked. She’s expressing strong feelings and beliefs. Unfortunately when you do that there is a lot of backlash. Whether i agree with her POV or not I’m proud of her for standing her ground. No one should be made to feel that they cannot voice their thoughts and beliefs. Be it here or in the lobby. Not sure if you see the correlation or not but it’s about free s***ch for all without *** of repercussions. Best to you on your journey.

Thanks Leisa. I have been facing indirect lashes from a select group of people who are very vocal on these kinds of lobby threads. Patterns emerge on who likes who's comments which go against or attack me. It's been happening for a long time. 

 

Last night though, it was very evident and very in my face that i was gonna be made a fool of. Why not say these horrid things on the forum? So everyone can see your words, taunts and behaviour publicly, rather than a lobby where people can jump on the bandwagon and the comment disappear over a set time?!

 

It's extremely well thought out and the behaviour i had thrown at me was disgusting. I felt ganged up on and why? Cus i have triggers and i voice things most people dont? Because i asked for change or sensitivity? Because they dont't like me? because they disagree with me?! Doesn;t mean i should be attacked in a lobby for differing views, especially by people who have a harsh word with whoever they feel they can get kicks out of. I am a human being with feelings too.

 

A select few people have tried to have a proper discussion on triggers, cnc and the damage and how to fix it. I've contacted these persons to be able to have a mature and reasonable dicussion with them. When things settle it will be away from public view for *** of repeat of what happened last night. But that was a prime example of my comments a day ago about people singling me out or mentioning things to specifically upset me. I was glad it was done publicly to be honest, because now people see these people/attitudes for what they are. 

 

I had a lot of people speak up last night on what happened. I also had a lot of people come to me privately agreeing with my point which they SEE and aren't assuming i'm shaming people or forcing them out. I seen a lot of my opinions or ideas to these things twisted last night, so no wonder people have been taking it so wrong. But i said nothing after a few comments. I do stand my ground speak my mind, for myself and for those who don't. After what i've went through last couple weeks it's no surprise these people are afraid to speak up. But it's been done now and whatever kind of room is made i'll try it out, if and when things go down an extreme route in the conversation. 

None of this was ever meant to upset, annoy or confuse people. But i know why they're doing/feeling it and theres nothing i can do about that. 

[Deleted Member]

Tbh this constantly escalating drama is why myself and others are using fet less and less. I signed up to discuss kinks and learn and to try and help others through my own experiences. There appears to be an ever growing victim culture in society and I for one grow tired of it. This isn’t a site to discuss politics *** and other banned topics so why on Earth are we constantly discussing triggers safe spaces and naming and shaming.The whole idea that someone is trigger by someone else’s kink is fine. Then remove yourself from the convo and return later. It is not the mods place to be hyper vigilant of everyone’s feelings all of the time and to police language and topics, it’s not fair on them or the community. Also where does this end? If I say for example I find DDlg “triggering” do the littles have to stop there child like s***ch because I don’t like it?or if I found whips triggering would All impact play talk be banned?Of course not. Where is the line and more importantly can we knock the drama on the damn head before we lose veterans and newbies and alike. We should be here to have fun and discuss kinks. Also I recommend if you are struggling with these issues or any other issues please seek real professional help.I did two and a half years of therapy and can attest to its usefulness. Living with trauma is tough and awful but unfortunately for many of us part of life, but there is also personal responsibility which means you are responsible for taking action to improve your life and surroundings not expecting the world to just accommodate you and make safe spaces where you see fit. I implore all of us to be more compassionate but also logical and responsible and remember this site is for open discussion of taboo ideas. X

[Ar****]

I'm not sure how relevant what I'm about to say is (as somebody who doesn't use the lobby and chat features), but I am somebody who has an interest in keeping the community safe and from that perspective I feel like I'm missing a huge piece of a picture.

 

There are chat rules which everybody has agreed to abide by before they enter a room, right? And the last rule, in clear black and white for everybody to see and which everybody who steps into a room is supposedly fine with, begins with "If you're asked to stop, by either a moderator or another member, do".

 

For me, it doesn't matter what the topic is about. It could be cats, shoes, breakfast. That is a rule the site has in place to protect and keep all members safe, which should be the priority of every single one of us. Nobody should have to need to explain it, nor does anyone have the right to demand an explanation of it. When we enter the a room agreeing to those terms but then decide to ignore them, we are in the wrong. If we don't like the terms of the chat rooms, the onus is on us to either argue for a change to the terms or to stay away - not to make others leave because we are not adult enough follow the rules we agreed to.

 

I am not advocating one way or the other; the current system doesn't work, it needs a solution and I can see all sides' perspective. And I recognise that whatever steps are taken there will always be those who go out of their way to deliberately cause issues; they can only be dealt with on a case-by-case basis.

 

Something alarmed me last night. After following this thread recently I ducked into chat for the first time in a while. I was pleased to see two moderately busy chat rooms open, neither so much so that I thought they would overwhelm me, so I decided to check one out and see if it was something I could get involved with. I caught up on the conversation and left immediately, as I couldn't process what I had read. The discussion had been this very topic, and a moderator had commented that if somebody was to "whine" about the conversations to call them and they would "escort them out".

 

I 100% could have missed something that would change the context of the comment, but is it not directly in contradiction to the chat room rule I quoted above? Is a "Please kindly refrain" now to be met with disdain and ejection not only from fellow community members but from moderators who are supposed to keep the chat safe and within the rules too?

 

I absolutely agree there should be a place where we can talk at length about whatever we wish no-holds barred - but that place does not appear to be able to be the main lobby under the current ruleset. Whether an additional room/rooms are the answer or a change to the rules, that is another question.

 

We will get there. Hold on folks.

[Je****]

7 minutes ago, Aranhis said:

I'm not sure how relevant what I'm about to say is (as somebody who doesn't use the lobby and chat features), but I am somebody who has an interest in keeping the community safe and from that perspective I feel like I'm missing a huge piece of a picture.

 

There are chat rules which everybody has agreed to abide by before they enter a room, right? And the last rule, in clear black and white for everybody to see and which everybody who steps into a room is supposedly fine with, begins with "If you're asked to stop, by either a moderator or another member, do".

 

For me, it doesn't matter what the topic is about. It could be cats, shoes, breakfast. That is a rule the site has in place to protect and keep all members safe, which should be the priority of every single one of us. Nobody should have to need to explain it, nor does anyone have the right to demand an explanation of it. When we enter the a room agreeing to those terms but then decide to ignore them, we are in the wrong. If we don't like the terms of the chat rooms, the onus is on us to either argue for a change to the terms or to stay away - not to make others leave because we are not adult enough follow the rules we agreed to.

 

I am not advocating one way or the other; the current system doesn't work, it needs a solution and I can see all sides' perspective. And I recognise that whatever steps are taken there will always be those who go out of their way to deliberately cause issues; they can only be dealt with on a case-by-case basis.

 

Something alarmed me last night. After following this thread recently I ducked into chat for the first time in a while. I was pleased to see two moderately busy chat rooms open, neither so much so that I thought they would overwhelm me, so I decided to check one out and see if it was something I could get involved with. I caught up on the conversation and left immediately, as I couldn't process what I had read. The discussion had been this very topic, and a moderator had commented that if somebody was to "whine" about the conversations to call them and they would "escort them out".

 

I 100% could have missed something that would change the context of the comment, but is it not directly in contradiction to the chat room rule I quoted above? Is a "Please kindly refrain" now to be met with disdain and ejection not only from fellow community members but from moderators who are supposed to keep the chat safe and within the rules too?

 

I absolutely agree there should be a place where we can talk at length about whatever we wish no-holds barred - but that place does not appear to be able to be the main lobby under the current ruleset. Whether an additional room/rooms are the answer or a change to the rules, that is another question.

 

We will get there. Hold on folks.

that moderator comment was not present in the main lobby. its sickening that theyre saying to voice when u want it to stop and then in a seperate room are saying if someones whining they will escort them out. 

how is that safe or fair practice. anyway im fed up of being attacked. a lot of things came to light last night and im glad too. this is way more than cnc sensitivity now. shame but at least those who behave this way are now being seen.

[Th****]

15 minutes ago, Aranhis said:

Something alarmed me last night. After following this thread recently I ducked into chat for the first time in a while. I was pleased to see two moderately busy chat rooms open, neither so much so that I thought they would overwhelm me, so I decided to check one out and see if it was something I could get involved with. I caught up on the conversation and left immediately, as I couldn't process what I had read. The discussion had been this very topic, and a moderator had commented that if somebody was to "whine" about the conversations to call them and they would "escort them out".

Hi there Aranhis,

That was in that room, "Chat 2" it had been privately created exactly for the purpose of continuing the discussion that a member of the Lobby had asked to stop.

A group of us who wanted to continue discussing the subject of CnC vs. Triggers took it into this room.

When at @Laurah entered the very room that she had made such an effort to created the Mod was trying to prevent a problem starting in a private room. It should be said that of course we were fine with @Laurahcoming and taking part and lurking in the room.

It is after all an inclusive community.

I hope this helps lend some context.

[Je****]

17 minutes ago, Darkswitch said:

Tbh this constantly escalating drama is why myself and others are using fet less and less. I signed up to discuss kinks and learn and to try and help others through my own experiences. There appears to be an ever growing victim culture in society and I for one grow tired of it. This isn’t a site to discuss politics *** and other banned topics so why on Earth are we constantly discussing triggers safe spaces and naming and shaming.The whole idea that someone is trigger by someone else’s kink is fine. Then remove yourself from the convo and return later. It is not the mods place to be hyper vigilant of everyone’s feelings all of the time and to police language and topics, it’s not fair on them or the community. Also where does this end? If I say for example I find DDlg “triggering” do the littles have to stop there child like s***ch because I don’t like it?or if I found whips triggering would All impact play talk be banned?Of course not. Where is the line and more importantly can we knock the drama on the damn head before we lose veterans and newbies and alike. We should be here to have fun and discuss kinks. Also I recommend if you are struggling with these issues or any other issues please seek real professional help.I did two and a half years of therapy and can attest to its usefulness. Living with trauma is tough and awful but unfortunately for many of us part of life, but there is also personal responsibility which means you are responsible for taking action to improve your life and surroundings not expecting the world to just accommodate you and make safe spaces where you see fit. I implore all of us to be more compassionate but also logical and responsible and remember this site is for open discussion of taboo ideas. X

 

 

See this comment is a classic example of how this is being read wrong due to a campaign of hate against me on the subject. 

I have not said we need a vanilla room. I have not said people can't discuss it. I have not said people can't chat about what they want.

I have said that while cnc is recognised as a kink, we all also need to recognise the people these fantasies excite, is also real life horrific experience for another.

Someone regressing is very different to someone being ***d. Someone wants to regress with a partner and yes it makes people uncomfy, myself included, but it is not a distressing act of *** or *** that someone has faced at the hands of another against their will and have suffered years of trauma and upset over. I KNOW there is consent in a fantasy between those in the dynamic. That is not being questioned. The topic itself is stressing for someone who has been ***d to see someone describing an ordeal like that in a lustful way when all they feel is dirst and shame. It;s not fair that person to ask the group to stop talking about it as it is a kink site. But it is also not fair for that group to tell the one upset person to fuck off if they don't like it. Which has been pretty much said. See my point?

 

All i said was perhaps a seperate room for the people with this kind of extreme fantasy to discuss in detail, would be benficial than in the main lobby as someone will at some stage grow uncomfy with the topic, and ask them to stop. That isn't fair on either party. 

But everyone wants to assume it's a kink shame, its silencing people and being a snowflake. No, it's very much not. Besides all this we can disagree like adults and discuss it.

You know what we shouldn't do?! Purposely enter a room and attack someone because their opinion is different. 

Have i ever entered a room and said "oh god shame on you for talking about play, leave the room, take it elsewhere, oh careful if you mention such and such someone will start up with that kind of play".... I would NEVER attack someone singling them out for what they enjoy (despite what people are making out is happening here), indulge in or make crude remarks to emotionally damage them. That's what people are missing and about 8 very specific people have it in for me due to this and the last few threads on the lobby are very evident of that. 

And u know what, many more people have triggers and agree that a bit of mindfulness would go a long way. 

Discussing play is one thing, yes it happens, but when one person enters the room and KNOW it's their trigger does that mean they should immediately bring it up to upset them, so they can tell them to leave? Because thats what's been happening to me. 

 

I will not silence anyone. I will not shame anyone. I am not stopping anyone. I am not comparing anyone. I am not playing a trigger off as more or less importat as a kink. I am not telling anyone what they can or cant do or say.

I simply observed more people getting upset and hurt by select individuals and asked for a bit of compassion and look where its got to. Absolute hate campaign. And they're enjoying this, escalating this and you know what the only one its hurting is me. And that is what they're trying to do. I stand up for what i believe in but i will not let them accuse me of doing or saying things i have said a hundred times over that i'm not, but they're trying to isolate me and that's fine. Look yourself over the last few posts and you'll the predictable clique liking anything against me. It's been noticed.

I have literally nothing more to say and if you were present last night you'd not be saying this right now. You'd see very much what i am saying here. I had mods messaging me to check i was ok as the behaviour has been recognised. 

[Je****]

8 minutes ago, Thebian said:

Hi there Aranhis,

That was in that room, "Chat 2" it had been privately created exactly for the purpose of continuing the discussion that a member of the Lobby had asked to stop.

A group of us who wanted to continue discussing the subject of CnC vs. Triggers took it into this room.

When at @Laurah entered the very room that she had made such an effort to created the Mod was trying to prevent a problem starting in a private room. It should be said that of course we were fine with @Laurahcoming and taking part and lurking in the room.

It is after all an inclusive community.

I hope this helps lend some context.

There is one thing in creating a room to discuss cnc vs triggers but to be discussing me..? I don't recall being invited into said room to explain or listen to others. And how can i take part if people have me blocked? I can't have a thorough discussion with them. 

And if a mod did say that a cnc purpose room was for that, and if someone came into a cnc room and said don't talk about cnc, then fine to ask them to leave. In that context it makes sense, but you must see that last night was an attack, the topic was approached wrong and escalated. I wont be the blame of that. That was person's spiteful actions.

I respect we are all different and can agree and disagree. I am also sad you chose to block me instead of chatting to me but i did say anyone who wishes to block me should do so. I have no ill feeling against you Thebian. 

It's not the topic at hand that is the issue. It's HOW it is approached and by who, with what intent.  I hope this can clear it up a bit.

 

I think this needs put to bed and left with the moderation now.

[Deleted Member]

Well I don’t have a campaign of hate against you Jen I just worry if we go down this path the sites going to become a flipping mine field

[qu****]

How has what is in simplicity is a thought that perhaps a room where the heavier aspects of kink and BDSM aren't spoken about descended into this, it sounds like the moderators are dealing with the issue concerning abusive behaviour so hopefully it will be resolved, yes this is a kink site but what's so wrong with a room for those not into more aggressive forms of kink to chat after all as keeps being said this site is open to ALL, no-bodies said certain themes can't be chatted about, but it comes back to just leave a room if you don't like it, but if you're already in the room chatting why should you leave...

[Th****]

59 minutes ago, JenniferTP said:

There is one thing in creating a room to discuss cnc vs triggers but to be discussing me..? I don't recall being invited into said room to explain or listen to others. And how can i take part if people have me blocked? I can't have a thorough discussion with them. 

And if a mod did say that a cnc purpose room was for that, and if someone came into a cnc room and said don't talk about cnc, then fine to ask them to leave. In that context it makes sense, but you must see that last night was an attack, the topic was approached wrong and escalated. I wont be the blame of that. That was person's spiteful actions.

I respect we are all different and can agree and disagree. I am also sad you chose to block me instead of chatting to me but i did say anyone who wishes to block me should do so. I have no ill feeling against you Thebian. 

Very true I did block you. I find that once anyone starts to effect my emotions, thoughts or indeed my reactions negatively I use the "Block" button.

It is a way to keep what influences me within my zone of control.

Naturally we did not invite you into the chat room @JenniferTP they were your triggers. Not just yours, of course. 

Thank you for confirming that @Laurah was relaying the conversation back to you. This is an inherent problem with another room it does not protect you from wanting to know what is going on.

On your last point I totally agree, leave this mess for Fetish to decide.