Advice to the shy young men

[Deleted Member]

I see profiles of young guys apealing to the "kindness of strangers" and folornly requesting that some hot chilli pepper of a dominatrix take pity on them. 

 

I assume this isn't very appealing for women to read and that it just doesn't push the sexual buttons. 

 

I feel sad for the young naive guys. With all that testosterone and not knowing how to deploy it. And I feel sad for the young women who are on the recieved  end of their sincere and often very deep crushes. It must feel very creepy or sad. 

Are there any happy stories out there of ex - unatractive nerds growing up to be desirable men. 

Any tips for the young men to s***d up the process?

[Deleted Member]

As Phil Collins sang ....you can’t hurry love, you just have to wait... The lessons are hard and so it should be because getting to the top of the mountain is for the long term stayer one who needs to take a few punches metaphorically speaking

[Bo****]

Well, Tim, since you’re asking... 😂

1) There are still times, at the age of 48, that I think back to my college years and want to call all of my sexual partners and apologize for my lack of sexual skills. Then again, they generally fumbled too. So young love (or lust) is often wasted on the young.

2) Over the years, I learned to carry myself with a certain panache, to some degree because of my business successes, but also just because I grew up and learned how to PAY ATTENTION TO MY PARTNER 😆

3) While I am a Dom, I think I can speak for at least some of the Dommes in the house, which is that “no one likes domming a weak sub.” There’s no accomplishment in taking control of someone who will give it away to anyone. It feels dirty.

So, shy young men, you guys need to man up a bit and not just throw yourself on the tender mercies of our female Dommes. At best, your a lamentable pity fuck. At worst, you’re an absolute turn-off.

4) The secret is to still have some confidence about the whole thing. You want to be controlled. They want to control. You’re in absolute alignment. The best thing you can do when reaching out is to project some strength simply in being an equal partner in the hoped-for experience. You are evaluating the Domme as much as she is evaluating you. Yes, you may eventually grovel like the worm you are, but that comes after the fucking pleasantries. You feeling me?

5) Repeating this because it’s fucking important — a sub who hands control to a stranger is gross; stop doing it. Once you’ve established there’s mutual interest, she’ll tell you how she wants you to behave.

6) The is for both our male and female subs in the house — any D who starts demanding you obey them before they’ve gotten to know you (or, god forbid, understood your boundaries) is dangerous. They don’t know what they’re doing and you could get physically or emotionally hurt. They’re narcissists, interested in the power derived from control instead of the sub’s growth. Or they’re scammers. Likely both.

So, yeah. Recognize that weak subs are a turnoff. Dom(me)s have to earn the right to take control and, frankly, subs have to earn the right to be controlled. Do your fucking part.

[AndreMM]

I bet most men go through this (maybe not in the US).
with time you grow.

[ey****]

The kinda 'pity me' is also a form of bait post.    

But, yeah - I know there are many who empathise with the struggles some guys have - but - I've seen that backfire also

(i.e. offering compassion and getting hit on.  offering to mentor and the guy not liking the terms, so on)

But, I will state beyond that - getting any form of play, or interaction, and then feeling it's only because people felt sorry for you can be worse than not getting the play or interaction at all.  

Because - a - they felt sorry for you and this can then make you use them as a magnet for dependancy which soon exhausts their want to play or interact

and - b - at some point you're going to realise or feel their interest is little above "feels sorry for you" and you may even feel you've been manipulating them and feel bad for it

-- 

So yeah, the pity party route is not one I advise.

There is shit that's tough, though, because you can do everything seemingly right and still not find what you're looking for.  It's important to kinda feel not hard done by, or anything, but that finding people you are compatible with can be hard and there's no magic solution to get exactly what you want - so keep up the good fight.  Don't descend into feeling sorry for yourself (it's OK to have emotions, just not stay there) and don't descend into blaming others.

[Foxter]

"I'm an alpha male and you're not" threads are the cringests thing ever.

[Deleted Member]

[Foxter] Indeed! My concern was real and my assumption is that there is an alpha in every beta, waiting to get out.  Women seem to report there is a shortage of good men. So let's make more good men, spread light and joy. Everybody wins! 

Edited March 8, 2021 by Deleted Member

[Deleted Member]

8 hours ago, TAROTT said:

As Phil Collins sang ....you can’t hurry love, you just have to wait... The lessons are hard and so it should be because getting to the top of the mountain is for the long term stayer one who needs to take a few punches metaphorically speaking

 

5 minutes ago, TimtheMerciless said:

I never expected to see Phil Collins quoted here! But yes. Part of it just comes with time. 

 

[ey****]

1 hour ago, TimtheMerciless said:

[Foxter] Indeed! My concern was real and my assumption is that there is an alpha in every beta, waiting to get out.  Women seem to report there is a shortage of good men. So let's make more good men, spread light and joy. Everybody wins! 

why not a beta in every alpha?  someone who is unafraid to show kindness, serve and put someone else first?

[ey****]

(one thing we need to do is move away from toxic naming roles like 'alpha' and 'beta')

[Deleted Member]

I don’t know if this is the case for other older women on here, but I am often approached by much younger men who are newish to kink and trying to find their way. I get the impression that these guys often wouldn’t seek advice from another male (pride, I guess) but need some help nonetheless. If someone approaches me genuinely, I do often find myself trying to help. Young guys without confidence just need a boost sometimes. To be listened to. We all need that. You have to put the work into communicating with others. Having as many conversations as you can. Because that’s how you learn about others, how you learn about yourself and your boundaries and what’s important. Not hitting on as many people as possible until you strike lucky.

[Carnelian2]

Well, if you have a script on how to be successful in all things kink, please share :-)

Humility is a strength and not a weakness as it enables a person to look at themselves in a different light.

In this respect, there is nothing wrong with asking questions if the interest is genuinely to learn and grow.

[Bo****]

7 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

why not a beta in every alpha?  someone who is unafraid to show kindness, serve and put someone else first?

The behavior I think the OP is talking about (and what I referred to in my comment) isn’t usually showing kindness or serving. It’s most often passive aggressively selfish and that’s very different than the energy a true sub shows up with. It’s “I’m sad and lonely so will you Domme me?” vs “How can I serve you?”

There was just a long conversation in another post about why it’s generally not worth it for a woman to spend her time guiding a ham-fisted Dom who sends shitty first messages. Why would it be different for ham-fisted subs?

Both are almost exclusively the domain of men and both stem from the same selfish energy.

I definitely have a tendency to count people out too early, to my detriment, but I’m pretty firm in my belief that you can’t teach someone how to not be selfish. They have to figure that shit out in their own.

(I’m just old and crotchety though, so ignore me 😂)

[Deleted Member]

8 hours ago, Curvykate said:

I don’t know if this is the case for other older women on here, but I am often approached by much younger men who are newish to kink and trying to find their way. I get the impression that these guys often wouldn’t seek advice from another male (pride, I guess) but need some help nonetheless. If someone approaches me genuinely, I do often find myself trying to help. Young guys without confidence just need a boost sometimes. To be listened to. We all need that. You have to put the work into communicating with others. Having as many conversations as you can. Because that’s how you learn about others, how you learn about yourself and your boundaries and what’s important. Not hitting on as many people as possible until you strike lucky.

Great to hear you show some concern. My advice to younger guys would be volunteer at a munch. Make your objective be 'be useful' rather than 'find what you want'.  And go to skills workshops to have fun and learn stuff. But still don't go to 'get' anything. 

I know I've spent a lot of my life too much wanting energy to flow in to me (such as from a Domme),  but you have to make the energy flow out from you first. By having a life that's your own. 

[Deleted Member]

23 hours ago, TimtheMerciless said:

Great to hear you show some concern. My advice to younger guys would be volunteer at a munch. Make your objective be 'be useful' rather than 'find what you want'.  And go to skills workshops to have fun and learn stuff. But still don't go to 'get' anything. 

I know I've spent a lot of my life too much wanting energy to flow in to me (such as from a Domme),  but you have to make the energy flow out from you first. By having a life that's your own. 

I think the idea of reaching out with no idea of “getting anything” is always a good one

[Si****]

I’m always happy to help men new to the lifestyle. However, I’m not going to just hand over a "how to guide". I show them a mirror and asked then what sort of man do they want to become and help them to become that man. It doesn’t matter if they want to be dominant or submissive, it’s about first knowing who they are and what they are hoping to find both in the community and themselves. In fact, the same goes for a female. Knowing who you are has to come first, how can you say you have found what it is you are looking for if you don’t know what that is? I find honesty in ones own being is more attractive than desperation.

[Wo****]

@SirGreen"Knowing who you are has to come first, how can you say you have found what it is you are looking for if you don’t know what that is?"

 

This stopped me in my tracks.... 

I've only just really discovered who I am, and who I'm becoming. Once I started to know who I am, everything else started to fall into place, including my self confidence.

[Roxy1957]

I was overweight and very shy and insecure. No one was interested in me. I lost weight, then started working out with weights to put on muscle. I started having people hit on me, including the nurse that gave me my 2nd COVID vaccination. I didn’t realize she was hitting on me till about 10 minutes later. I busted out laughing.
So, all that gave me confidence, and the combination of the muscles and confidence has turned it all around.
So it can be done. I did it at 63, and have women and men hitting on me. And I have the confidence to hit on them too.
Still some insecurities, but not enough to stop me or run people away.