Am I still a Sub?

[Searching-7197]

Good Evening fellow kinksters!!  😘

I've had a few recent experiences that has me curious.  Please let me know what you think.  All thoughts and comments on the topic will be helpful and greatly appreciated:) *******

*But before you ready, PLEASE PLEASE know that EVERYTHING I mention that is in contrast to what I am searching for is NOT to insult or question anyone who happens to enjoy it.  Honest and with all my heart, I am simply learning what I want and what I don't and I have the following question:  am I a sub who is just learning her limits, or is there an alternative way to think about my preferences?  

Thank you so much for your time.

Here's what I want in my Dom/Sub relationship: 

1- I want to be dominated and controlled in the bedroom (or wherever the sexual fun is happening) not punished.
2- Regardless of the act I'm performing or having done to me, I'm a "good girl" not a "dirty whore".
3- I'm not interested in being degraded or spoken to in degrading ways (see #2 above).  

4- I'm not interested in being put into positions or situations purely for the pleasure of my Dom.  My pleasure should be the most important but at MINIMUM should be equally as important.  

5- I will willingly and obediently submit to a Dom who has earned my trust and understands (and behaves accordingly) that it's a PRIVILEGE to control my body and that I'm ALLOWING him to dominate me.

6- My Dom has the control, but he yearns to pleasure me... I may be a play thing, but I'm a play thing that is treasured and protected...

[FETMOD-KF]

ok folks - so this is a thread for discussion or advice.   

So please no "I'll be your Dominant" comments and so on

[Mike_22]

This still makes you a Sub 😊 it’s a good thing to know what you do and don’t want, especially for a Dom. You sound amazing in my opinion 😂 but that might just be me. I believe that if you don’t feel like what you want is being met and you trust your Dom and feel like you trust them… Then maybe there not right for you. That’s my advice

[Invisible71]

... You sound like a perfect sub which just needs the perfect play partner.

[ey****]

Some thoughts on each point

1) The concept of 'punishment' is not for everyone and it's no a mandatory part of any dynamic.  

2) Similar. Some people prefer positive rein***ment.  Those who use insults or derogatory comments is usually because they're into receiving them

3) See 2

4) A lot might depend on context.  There should always be pleasure, for yourself, in anything you do.  Sometimes the pleasure can be from giving someone else pleasure.  Context is important.  

5) Yep - that's actually pretty standard fare.

6) Any dynamic works best when both people are striving for the enjoyment of their other as well as themselves.   

 

[pt****]

You are a Sub! All dynamics need hard limits and soft limits. Our need and desires are completely personal, and thus a dynamic must to a getter of lesser extent share those desires and values for a enduring relationship.
To find your limits, well you have found your hard limits, soft limits will come with time and experience.
I think you being true to yourself is great and that is the best place to start. Communicating openly and honesty is the only way to build a trusting and meaningful relationship.

[lolli-leigh]

well written and you clearly define what you want from your Dom and what he should expect from you. Subs are not walk overs, a good sub knows themselves and should not Submit to a Dom if they do not fit with this criteria. Good luck with your learning and development.

[***lessKitten]

To answer briefly, if you think you're a sub then you're a sub. What you think is important. I believe what defines sub can be very broad. If there's levels to being a sub and you're a more unconventional one, then it just means it's a little harder to find a compatible Dom. From what you wrote it might be possible that you're just submissive in the bedroom and not necessarily submissive by nature. This however doesn't make you anymore, or less of a sub than another. It's all about finding partners we're compatible with. If you were only submissive in the bedroom, as a personality that could make you incompatible with certain Dom. This is why communication and gaining good understanding of a person is important before entering into any relationship.

Women are beautiful and men have the tendency to throw themselves at women, or say / do anything to get what the man wants from her even when it's not what's in the best interest for a relationship. Unfortunately this can make it all the harder for you to find a Dom. An example would be the Dom saying they're fine with you only being sub in the bedroom, but they say this only to appease you, later you both find that it's not okay.

Just for future reference: I'm a switch that leans more sub, I see you as a sub, understand that you're just trying to understand more about you and I hope I can aid in that. On my part no assumptions or ill meaning is intended.

The one part of your post that has got me thinking is 

5 hours ago, Searching said:

4- I'm not interested in being put into positions or situations purely for the pleasure of my Dom.  My pleasure should be the most important but at MINIMUM should be equally as important.  

I wonder how most domme women would react to this if this were said by a male sub. I'm not saying it is, but the "I'm not interested in being put into positions or situations purely for the pleasure of my Dom." could be interpreted as a lack of effort and make some people question how much you want to please a Dom. My opinion is pleasure in the bedroom should very much be a two way thing. 50/50. IF it was to swing 60/40 it should favour the Dom, regardless of gender. That's just part of a subs commitment to a Dom, effort. Obviously a Dom has to be considerate and understanding too, but a Dom's effort often comes in other forms not just the bedroom. They provide a lot of support. You give some you take some, ultimately it should balance out and be fair. Which brings me to "my pleasure should be the most important" why is that? As I've already stated above I believe 50/50 if not a little more favouring the Dom. As a sub why is your pleasure more important?

*The below questions are just for your self reflection. What you think about yourself is what's most important when you look for a compatible Dom.

Could you be undermining all what a Dom does / provides?

Could this make you ungrateful or selfish for a lack of effort?

Maybe you're a bit of a brat lol

I myself can be stubborn and I'm not exactly a fan of being punished, so wouldn't refer to myself as a brat, but I've been called that on a number of occasions 😅

Maybe you really just like to "top from the bottom" which I see nothing wrong with if you embrace that, although I think it's frowned upon by many Dom.

And I very much agree with your following points. You ALLOW the Dom to dominate you, this can be taken wrongly but it's very right! For it to be consensual you have to allow it. There's many sub that don't actually enjoy the discipline, or respond well to it, but Dom will discipline because they feel you've done something to deserve it. The level of the discipline can depend on the severity of what you've done wrong. There's communication with discipline, you understand what you've done wrong and thereby accept responsibility and maybe punishment... This has been a very lengthy reply so I hope it's been somewhat informative and useful. 

[pt****]

3 hours ago, ptwxs said:

You are a Sub! All dynamics need hard limits and soft limits. Our need and desires are completely personal, and thus a dynamic must to a getter of lesser extent share those desires and values for a enduring relationship.
To find your limits, well you have found your hard limits, soft limits will come with time and experience.
I think you being true to yourself is great and that is the best place to start. Communicating openly and honesty is the only way to build a trusting and meaningful relationship.

I’m sorry but I’m going to backtrack and say, submission is not one sided because a Dominant gives a Submissive their freedom. It is one of truest understanding between two people.
Its seem you may have made things conditional beyond hard limits in my opinion, I’m not sure that is appropriate? So should you call yourself a Submissive? thats your choice but if you can’t find a Dominant that’s shares your expectations, then maybe that choice will be the wrong one. In my opinion, each role commits to that role and gives fully and freely in the knowledge that hard limits, values and expectations are agreed and respected. ✌️

[ey****]

5 hours ago, ***lessKitten said:

I wonder how most domme women would react to this if this were said by a male sub. I'm not saying it is, but the "I'm not interested in being put into positions or situations purely for the pleasure of my Dom." could be interpreted as a lack of effort and make some people question how much you want to please a Dom. My opinion is pleasure in the bedroom should very much be a two way thing.

I am going to admit - I initially had similar thoughts which I'll come back to, but I think more of a phrasing thing.

But, pleasure and pleasing doesn't have to just be in the bedroom, or even in the bedroom.

So, I think the thing for pleasure is it means different things to different people.   

Hypothetical. I could have a sub who doesn't really like watersports, it's not her kink, but she might enjoy being ***ed on by me because it's something I enjoy and her pleasure is from my pleasure.  Granted. She might quickly get bored if all I ever did was *** on her and there would have to be some other reason WHY this gave her pleasure.

But equally.  I have kinks and activities I enjoy as a bottom, sub, whatever.   So the ideal is if for example I'm doing something I enjoy with someone who also enjoys the activity.

But, two fold.  Depending on the person and the relationship I have with them there is more I may be happy to do which hinges towards their enjoyment but in this case my pleasure, my enjoyment is doing it for or with them and being with them.

And equally, there's plenty of activities that Domme's do which is largely for or driven by their subs.  A former Mistress gave a somewhat confession that she wasn't massively into foot worship - but she got enjoyment from how much pleasure I got at her feet.

I think it's a case of knowing where the pleasure is driven from.  

[Searching-7197]

Oh my goodness I cannot communicate accurately my gratitude to everyone who took the time to not only read, but respond to my question!  Thank you, from the deepest part of my searching soul... really... thank you.  🌼

AND as a result of your insights and questions back to me for reflection, I have more to run past you because the more I understand about myself the more I think I'm not a Sub...so the new question is:  What IS the dynamic I'm looking for?  

I've been assuming I'm a Sub for the simple fact that the idea of being dominated sexually excites me.  But it's entirely possible that it's not my hard or soft limits that I am currently discovering, but that I'm something else entirely...something I just haven't learned the vocabulary with which to describe it.

Here are additional things that I did not include initially because only after reading all of your amazing responses, did I even think about them...

1- I don't actually care if my partner orgasms...I mean, I want them to have fun, of course! (And they all do 😉) but I know I'm super fun in bed and I know that there are so many reasons why a guy might not orgasm on any particular day, so if he doesn't orgasm, it isn't something that worries me because I don't take it personally.  

2- What brings me the greatest pleasure is not to serve my partner or to bring him pleasure.  Again, I absolutely want all parties involved to be having a blast... but I'm not fulfilled just because he is.

3- Finally, and I think this might be the kicker...(the revaluation that solidly kicks me out of the Sub group). In all my fantasies the same psychological aspect of the dynamic persists.  That I am completely and utterly dominated by a man whose most fervent goal is to bring me to sexual extacy... over and over and over...  He gets off on getting me off...

So, anyway... again, thank you so much for your time.  This site is indeed an extremely special space.

🌼

 

 

 

 

[Master50]

Searching
Yes yes yes
I agree to everything u have said but trust must also be earned. U said everything that I'm looking for and more.
If ur doing to be smacked on the butt it should be done doring sex. Smacking on the butt is not for punishment built for erotic play. Just like pulling ur hair.

[Invisible71]

..... hmmmmm.. 

 

OK, thoughts as follows.. 

 

1) it's nice not to be pressured into climax so that when you do, it's hopefully more explosive. 

2) Your fulfilment should always be taken into consideration and as such mutual satisfaction is hopefully achieved. 

3) I may be an oddball on here but I want to help a woman climax several times over before my climax is even considered. To me a lady climaxing is a beautiful thing to behold and even better if you have helped her.. her movements, her breathing, perhaps the noise of uncontrolled passion coming from deep in her soul... Once she has hardly anything left in her, to climax together... Sigh.. Lovely. 

[pt****]

25 minutes ago, Searching said:

Oh my goodness I cannot communicate accurately my gratitude to everyone who took the time to not only read, but respond to my question!  Thank you, from the deepest part of my searching soul... really... thank you.  🌼

AND as a result of your insights and questions back to me for reflection, I have more to run past you because the more I understand about myself the more I think I'm not a Sub...so the new question is:  What IS the dynamic I'm looking for?  

I've been assuming I'm a Sub for the simple fact that the idea of being dominated sexually excites me.  But it's entirely possible that it's not my hard or soft limits that I am currently discovering, but that I'm something else entirely...something I just haven't learned the vocabulary with which to describe it.

Here are additional things that I did not include initially because only after reading all of your amazing responses, did I even think about them...

1- I don't actually care if my partner orgasms...I mean, I want them to have fun, of course! (And they all do 😉) but I know I'm super fun in bed and I know that there are so many reasons why a guy might not orgasm on any particular day, so if he doesn't orgasm, it isn't something that worries me because I don't take it personally.  

2- What brings me the greatest pleasure is not to serve my partner or to bring him pleasure.  Again, I absolutely want all parties involved to be having a blast... but I'm not fulfilled just because he is.

3- Finally, and I think this might be the kicker...(the revaluation that solidly kicks me out of the Sub group). In all my fantasies the same psychological aspect of the dynamic persists.  That I am completely and utterly dominated by a man whose most fervent goal is to bring me to sexual extacy... over and over and over...  He gets off on getting me off...

So, anyway... again, thank you so much for your time.  This site is indeed an extremely special space.

🌼

 

 

 

 

You are definitely not a Sub and you don’t have mindset of a Domme in my opinion. Passively Dominant in the pursuit of your own pleasure. I welcome someone else to name that role or kink. Only, gang bang comes very partially close, that I can think of at the moment.

[Wo****]

@Searching Ever considered sensual domination or a female led relationship?

 

I thought I was submissive, like you I wanted to be dominated and brought to heights of ecstasy. I adore receiving oral sex (I'd always assumed i was submissive because i wanted things done to me) There are men out there who want that, that are driven by our pleasure, without being submissive. My partner worships me completely and spends hours giving me pleasure but it's not in a submissive way. He dominates me sensually.

 

Or, maybe you're dominant and want to "use" men for your pleasure..

 

I wish you well in your journey of discovery 🙏🐥

[pomonagirl]

Yes...you will be submissive in the way in which is right for you, when you meet the right Dominant!!! <3 we share a lot of things in common. i'm not into *** either, and if a Dominant is just using me (not in a fun way) it gets old fast. And you are correct---the Dom may have control but he will want to keep you happy, feeling good, feeling cared for... :)

[Invisible71]

.... mutual respect

.... mutual understanding

.... mutual care

.... mutual pleasure

.... mutual appreciation 

 

 

All equals the best experience, if one of those is missing, get the hell away from that person. 

[Tickler101]

Yes i would say you are a Sub. I am a Dom, but I like my Sub to have a great time too. And hearing her moan in pleasure is one of the sexiest things about it 😊

[Ky****]

not sure from this if you've tried the BDSM test, its not 100% accurate but it does have one feature that opens a lot of eyes is that it returns &s based on your answers, a lot of ppl don't realise you don't have to be 100% this or that but, as with vanilla things, can be a certain % of them

[Hal727]

I can’t speak for anyone but myself, but I think you’re right on target. I too enjoy the role of sub sexually, but have zero interest in being degraded, or put through something that I don’t like. Same with being someone’s slave. I’m not interested in that. Certainly everyone should get to enjoy what ever it is that they like, but bottom line is mutual respect and enjoyment for both partners. I mention in my profile more than once, that I have no interest in the master/slave type relationship, and that I am no one’s slave, yet 90% of the Doms that I speak with immediately refer to me as “slave”.
Wish I had the answer. Sadly, my answer is usually to move on. I applaud you for knowing what you like and what you don’t, and sticking with it!