A Moral Dilemma

[Pa****]

Hello everyone.

I would like to share something  that happened to me recently on this site and get your thoughts about it.

A couple of weeks ago , I was approached on this site by a lady who liked my profile and wanted to chat. I will call her Beth ( that is not her Kinkster name, in fact it is not even her real name. I should also mention that she has since deleted her account and left the site)

We got chatting and got on well, although it was obvious from the start that she was not the submissive that her profile stated she was. As we chatted we started sharing more about ourselves. Several days into the conversation she explained that she had come to this site because she is married to a submissive man who is unable to dominate her in bed. She desperately craved this and despite honest conversations, the issue had not been resolved with her husband.

Beth subsequently revealed that she was not on this site with her husband’s permission nor was he aware that she had joined up. She also confided that her husband equates lust and love as being the same and that he would (not surprisingly) be devastated if he found out what she was doing. Beth was clear though that she did love her husband and didn’t want to leave him.

I was not comfortable with this and we did speak about her sitting down her husband again and  trying to work through the issue. She was adamant that there was no point.

We continued to chat  even though I wasn’t happy  with  the situation. A few days later she revealed that they had young ***.

It was at this point that I decided that I didn’t want to risk  damaging her or worse destroying her family and messaged to her to say that I was ending our  conversation.

I received a rather curt response and she then promptly deleted her account .

So, I am not asking you to judge her, but rather how I handled the situation.

My question then , is this : If you had been me, what would you have done once you had the full detail of Beth’s domestic situation ?

Thanks

 

[Deleted Member]

I would carry on communication and help her being a good submissive. Her vanilla life is not my concern.

[Deleted Member]

I think you are going to get as many points of views as there are colours in the rainbow. What’s important is what both of you did or didn’t do. Beth is in her full right, based on her personal moral boundaries, to seek a dominant on here and not let her husband know, as you are in your right to withdraw from talking to her, based on your moral compass. Some people will trust that she has good reasons to be here and respect her choice to not tell her husband, and others, like you, will choose not to engage. What is clear however is that she felt judged, hence deleting her account. On a more personal note, I think it’s important for you to understand that people are adults and make their own choices. It is her right to choose to be here, and it would be she who potentially will be destroying her family, not you. As for you handling the situation, you are probably looking for support in your choice of reaction. Only you know what’s right for you. For me, I would have seen past that and allowed her to make her own mistakes and choices. You didn’t have to be her dominant if you didn’t feel comfortable. You could have been a friend and not judge her.

[de****]

As much as many don’t want to admit it is a contract. While not attempting to start a disagreement with people above here in the USA depending the state you can be charged with adultery if you know she’s married and the husband is unaware, doesn’t give consent. As the contract of is person 1 and person 2, sex finances etc. If any of that should change ( be it expand or shrink) both parties would have to agree upon the original contracts amendments ( or new contract being brought up). This is legally speaking, morals aside. Myself I would of ended it even sooner as soon as I found out. Reasoning is I was cheated on by my first wife not a great feeling on receiving end. Especially working 90-105 hours a week for them. Anywho that said people are emotional and so unpredictable things when under emotional stress. The reaction of the partner could endanger you or her or both. (Same for same sex couples etc) as history, love, betrayal might flood the person to do something stupid in a fit of rage or fluster. Just my 2 seconds. 

[Dreamaway]

I fully respect your decision not to be further involved in a situation which could cause massive hurt to all 3 involved. Kink or vanilla shouldn't come into the equation when she is attempting to play behind her partner's back. Obviously each situation is different but as a general point of view that would be my stance.

[Deleted Member]

People will make their own choices and there will be those who won't have a problem with her being married. And those that will. I was contacted by a guy this week who admitted after a brief chat that he was married. She didn't know. My position is that I won't be with someone who is cheating. I often carry on chatting because it can help for them to talk it through. But if they start talking about sex, that's it. I don't want it on my conscience. I have a choice who to play with, who to be with. Their wife/partner doesn't have that choice. I can completely understand the other perspective and why people don't tell their partners and why they cheat. But I don't want to help them do it.

[Deleted Member]

I'd have done the same thing as you. I'm my past my naivety has allowed me to venture into a relationship with a woman that was married with kids because she left him due to not loving him anymore and decided she wanted to be with me, it was NOT the right decision. At the time I thought I was doing the right thing by talking her through her not wanting to be with the husband anymore and being the person she thought she wanted to be with but nothing worked out as I'd hoped and all that happened was everyone except her got extremely hurt in the situation. It was a lesson at the least but I certainly won't be fucking around with that kind of situation ever again and I'd react the same way as you did.

[Wo****]

Radical honesty is essential to me so I would have walked away too.

 

The very worst thing, for me, is being deceived or not knowing something. I've been cheated on and I've cheated. It only brings ***.

 

I may continue chatting but any sexual relationship is definitely out if there is deception involved.

[Deleted Member]

I would of given her what she wanted and some, Her personal life is of no concern to you. She shouldn't of told you about it. Youre a single guy so no blame at your door. Next time point her in my direction. I wont have any problem attending to her needs 😉😉

[Deleted Member]

It's not an uncommon situation. For me, it's a hard pass. Consent has not been obtained from all parties and "Beth" is responsible for *** with the non-consenting party. Opinions vary on this point but to me that's not a safe or sane scenario. You, OP, are allowed to withdraw your consent at any time. [I'm going under the assumption that you were courteous in your communication.] You are also entitled to have your own internal signals as to what is and is not ok for you.

The was a red flag that popped up for you right away. Honor that next time. No matter how appealing someone is, that red flag is gonna come back around and smack you upside the back of the head. Maybe not today, but it's coming. Next time, you'll be able to identify that and set a boundary. [If you don't think about your needs and limits as a dominant, give it a shot! Tons of fun.]
Anyways, I got no judgement for anyone... That is waaaay above my paygrade.

[KuriosKitty67]

You did the right thing not only for her but yourself partners should be on the same page not trying to do dirt cause as a woman that stuff could have became a nasty place to be

[Deleted Member]

The same, and have done. Sadly it does involve at times cutting our nose off to spite our face; but it didn't sit well with you, and for healthy fun all round, one must listen to those voices. A duty of care not only extends to the potential partner.

[to****]

Did she delete her profile? Or has it got a line through it for verification?

[pt****]

I would have done the same thing. I think it could have ended badly. In my opinion your actions show you are better than others that will turn a blind eye with the justification “it’s not my problem”. Frankly the fact that you care enough to question yourself publicly, show great depth and integrity.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, DarkSweetAngel said:

I think you are going to get as many points of views as there are colours in the rainbow. What’s important is what both of you did or didn’t do. Beth is in her full right, based on her personal moral boundaries, to seek a dominant on here and not let her husband know, as you are in your right to withdraw from talking to her, based on your moral compass. Some people will trust that she has good reasons to be here and respect her choice to not tell her husband, and others, like you, will choose not to engage. What is clear however is that she felt judged, hence deleting her account. On a more personal note, I think it’s important for you to understand that people are adults and make their own choices. It is her right to choose to be here, and it would be she who potentially will be destroying her family, not you. As for you handling the situation, you are probably looking for support in your choice of reaction. Only you know what’s right for you. For me, I would have seen past that and allowed her to make her own mistakes and choices. You didn’t have to be her dominant if you didn’t feel comfortable. You could have been a friend and not judge her.

How is that fair? He said he was ending the conversation. She chose to leave.

[Deleted Member]

9 minutes ago, Curvykate said:

How is that fair? He said he was ending the conversation. She chose to leave.

The author asked for opinions Curvykate. I gave my opinion. Others have their own. 

[Nylon-Nellie]

Isn't any relationship based on honest and transparent communication between two people?

 

You did the right thing ending the conversation. I would of done the same.

 

Married people come on this site for a reason, I tend to keep a wide berth as I do not want to be the third wheel nor the bit on the side. 

[Deleted Member]

33 minutes ago, DarkSweetAngel said:

The author asked for opinions Curvykate. I gave my opinion. Others have their own. 

I get that but you criticised him for judging her - where did he do that? I agree with you btw - there are ways to say no without judgement.

[Pa****]

Thanks for all the various comments so far, it has been fascinating reading the variety of comments and people's view points. Please keep them coming

[ey****]

I've not read the other comments - but I suspect you've  had a mixed view.

Buuuut...

You were uncomfortable with the situation so were right not to pursue this.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Curvykate said:

I get that but you criticised him for judging her - where did he do that? I agree with you btw - there are ways to say no without judgement.

I may have assumed that because he texted her to say that he was ending their conversation. There are many ways to help someone come to their senses. Be their friend, listen, recommend things to explore. Ending a communication abruptly in that scenario would have certainly given her the feeling of being judged and shamed. But again, that’s my interpretation because that’s how I would have felt if I were in her shoes. 

[Deleted Member]

40 minutes ago, DarkSweetAngel said:

I may have assumed that because he texted her to say that he was ending their conversation. There are many ways to help someone come to their senses. Be their friend, listen, recommend things to explore. Ending a communication abruptly in that scenario would have certainly given her the feeling of being judged and shamed. But again, that’s my interpretation because that’s how I would have felt if I were in her shoes. 

Only the OP can answer that. I see what you mean now though. There does come a point though that if someone wants to continue with a sexual relationship and you don't want it - you have to draw the line. Several married men have done this to me - and I was trying to understand and help because I was also in a vanilla LTR. And actually having those conversations is why I am a lot less judgmental than I previously was. It's not black and white.

[Deleted Member]

6 minutes ago, Curvykate said:And actually having those conversations is why I am a lot less judgmental than I previously was. It's not black and white.

Same here 🙂

[St****]

The best advice I can give. Never play with relationships. Iv been in open relationships but I can tell you that jealousy can be a dangerous game. She wants to play around without her man knowing that’s on her. If I am with someone and they are in a relationship, the second I find out that they are doing it as an affair or without their partners knowing I go hands off. We can be friends but I don’t want to be responsible for ruining your relationship. We are all here for fun no need to add dram

[St****]

Drama*