Lost my trust

[Deleted Member]

How do I get it back? For years now, dishonesty has ruled my interactions with men. Over 3 years ago my LTR ended and I still don't know all of the lies he told. I suspect financial ***. We have kids together so I cannot divest myself of this man. A relationship ended earlier this year and he'd not told me the truth for months. Hidden so much. Several men have pretended friendship and naively I believed them. "Just checking in on you Kate...how are you really...can we play 🙄". When I had been categorically clear that it was friendship and nothing else.

I'm currently being ghosted by someone I'd been seeing for months. Who'd held me as I cried. I like being an open and honest person. It's central to who I am. But I'm still getting hurt, even though I have much clearer boundaries, even though I hold myself back. I don't want to be closed off. Where do I go from here? How to find the connection I need without continually being hurt?

[Deleted Member]

Big ((hugs)) In the nicest way possible find some loyal friends that have your back n front hold you close yet free guide you and console with you x

[Deleted Member]

That's a hard one. I really feel for you. Don't give up. My advice wrongly or rightly is set out your boundaries at the start, demand openess and honesty, because you deserve it. The right person is out there

[Deleted Member]

16 minutes ago, magical-soul said:

Big ((hugs)) In the nicest way possible find some loyal friends that have your back n front hold you close yet free guide you and console with you x

I'm lucky to have many friends, but I'm only out with one. I found it really difficult when my relationship ended early this year as it was kink that ended it but I couldn't talk to anyone IRL. I do recognise the value of a community like this.

[Deleted Member]

14 minutes ago, Drseventy6 said:

That's a hard one. I really feel for you. Don't give up. My advice wrongly or rightly is set out your boundaries at the start, demand openess and honesty, because you deserve it. The right person is out there

I feel like giving up now. And it's only a few years since I started with bdsm. No end of consent ***s, dishonesty, jibes, being let down, kink shamed, victim shamed. Lost my fight.

[Th****]

My reply to your original post Kate was going to be that I have always thought of connections as a double edged sword. One side is amazing, you know all the good stuff that keeps you coming back, warm fuzzies etc. The other side sucks, it hurts, it's cold and there is rarely a happy ending to all that good stuff. Alas you don't get one without the other.

The way I deal with it is to forgive people, don't get me wrong. It is not for them they don't even need to know. It is for me, that way I can move on a whole person.

All that said though consent ***s, shaming, both kink and victim are not and never will be okay. I can extend my sympathies and my quiet fury that someone I respect has had to go through that.

Take a break if needs be and reassess your main needs and wants, sometimes we need time before re-entering the fray.

Hugs..

[Deleted Member]

24 minutes ago, Curvykate said:

I feel like giving up now. And it's only a few years since I started with bdsm. No end of consent ***s, dishonesty, jibes, being let down, kink shamed, victim shamed. Lost my fight.

Don't give up. Don't let the bullies in life take over. Stand up, set yourself free. Embrace your kink it's part of you. Hidden away burning desires. Standing shoulder to shoulder with many others x

[Deleted Member]

11 minutes ago, Thebian said:

My reply to your original post Kate was going to be that I have always thought of connections as a double edged sword. One side is amazing, you know all the good stuff that keeps you coming back, warm fuzzies etc. The other side sucks, it hurts, it's cold and there is rarely a happy ending to all that good stuff. Alas you don't get one without the other.

The way I deal with it is to forgive people, don't get me wrong. It is not for them they don't even need to know. It is for me, that way I can move on a whole person.

All that said though consent ***s, shaming, both kink and victim are not and never will be okay. I can extend my sympathies and my quiet fury that someone I respect has had to go through that.

Take a break if needs be and reassess your main needs and wants, sometimes we need time before re-entering the fray.

Hugs..

Thank you, Thebian. I can forgive, I can see that other people have their reasons which might be nothing to do with me. Not the LTR ex though - not when my kids get hurt. I remain friends with some of the men I refer to here.
I like the ideal of the double edged sword - because I can't think of the hurt without the good stuff. And there has been plenty of good stuff. 🤗 A thoughtful message as always from you & appreciated.

[Deleted Member]

11 minutes ago, magical-soul said:

Don't give up. Don't let the bullies in life take over. Stand up, set yourself free. Embrace your kink it's part of you. Hidden away burning desires. Standing shoulder to shoulder with many others x

Thank you. As people in here know I think - I usually come back fiesty. ☺️

[typhoon2]

Trust is earned, not assumed, and that comes with time. Cautious steps, whether one-off play or your next long-term relationship, will limit any hurt, hopefully, andgive you a solid foundation on which to build.

References are sometimes used to vet prospective playmates. The Hull scene has taken a battering recently, ironically over trust issues (consent ***s), but seeking out information and recommendations from fellow local kinksters is often a useful tool for weeding out fakes, predators, ***rs and others undeserving of trust. Of course who watches the watchmen, but if you can find respected ***rs who can vouch for people then that might mitigate future problems. Absence of recommendations or presence on the scene are not in themselves red flags but they help judgements.

[Wo****]

@Curvykate

I feel for you, I really do.

 

Lies and deception very nearly destroyed everything I hold dear.

I felt stupid for being taken in, for being used, taken for a fool.

 

I was lucky. Took me nearly a decade to see past the lies.

I had to take a long, ***ful look at myself and the part (if any) I played in the destruction. It wasn't pleasant and I did wonder "is it me?" Did I somehow deserve this?

Did my fair share of lying and deception too. I'm not proud of who I was, or rather I'm not proud of what I did.

 

The upside to this is that I now preach, and live by, radical honesty. I still trust people, generally (I think, anyway) but I am learning when to hold back.

 

Kate, there are still good people out there. 

By trusting (too easily?) I suppose the risk is getting hurt but the payoff when you find genuinely like minded souls is priceless.

 

Don't change who you are unless you want to. You will find your tribe... 🙏

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, typhoon2 said:

Trust is earned, not assumed, and that comes with time. Cautious steps, whether one-off play or your next long-term relationship, will limit any hurt, hopefully, andgive you a solid foundation on which to build.

References are sometimes used to vet prospective playmates. The Hull scene has taken a battering recently, ironically over trust issues (consent ***s), but seeking out information and recommendations from fellow local kinksters is often a useful tool for weeding out fakes, predators, ***rs and others undeserving of trust. Of course who watches the watchmen, but if you can find respected ***rs who can vouch for people then that might mitigate future problems. Absence of recommendations or presence on the scene are not in themselves red flags but they help judgements.

I was cautious. I do look out for red flags. I do have boundaries and I push back if someone tries to breach them. Or I leave. But I will take people as I find them. Take their words as truth unless there are reasons to doubt them (and then why would I talk to them?) But if I don't take people's words as truth then I won't be the person I want to be.
The Hull scene - I don't go near it. I have reasons for that.

[sm****]

Sadly Trust is the hardest thing to make and the easiest to break.  It takes a long time to gain, I always prolong the conversations over time with someone i would hopefully form a relationship with.  Over time i always look for any inconsistency and should be able to pull them on it and them vice versa, it's a two way thing.

Iv'e been led on, lied to both scene and vanilla so know i have walls up, that take time to get through, " it's self preservation" once trust has been broken in my mind it can never really be the same again.  People forget the mental *** and damage being led on and used can have on any person.

 

[Si****]

I feel you. I can forgive most thing but not lies. I’m open and honest with the people who have earned that openness. But once that trust has been broken, its very hard for it to be there again for me. I’m up front with people and all I ever ask in return is the same back. If that’s too hard for them, then they never get that close to me and that’s more their loss without sounding arrogant. That said its finding a way not to let the past (and the horrid people in it) set the way you want to be as a person. No one should have to grow a thick skin when one loves the tender touch, however finding a way to mentally deal with others bad behaviour is the only way you can be free to discover the nice people.

[Fi****]

6 hours ago, magical-soul said:

Big ((hugs)) In the nicest way possible find some loyal friends that have your back n front hold you close yet free guide you and console with you x

Definitely not as easy as it is simple… we all have our things that life keeps throwing at us over and over and until we are able to both recognize and then begin to change whatever it is inside us that we need to resolve to move forward. I recently had a very short first bdsm relationship ever and it was also really intense… I sort misbehaved (according to her) and she dumped me… and I was ready to beg her to take me back and then I realized that she didn’t have my well-being at heart. Her priority was her pleasure and fuck the fact that I am not in a space to do that with her because my (very best friend ever) service dog is dying and he is my whole world but yeah dump me for that. Kick me while I’m already down! Now here’s the thing… I no longer need to beg anyone for anything because I know my worth and I am worthy of respect ✊ and so @Curvykate are you as well. Know your worth and teach yourself how to honor it and you will continue to grow as you go along.

[Fi****]

6 hours ago, Curvykate said:

I feel like giving up now. And it's only a few years since I started with bdsm. No end of consent ***s, dishonesty, jibes, being let down, kink shamed, victim shamed. Lost my fight.

Exactly what I mean in my other comment

[Deleted Member]

This speaks to me so much but I wasn’t brave like you to start a topic. Do you find that you end up questioning your judgement in people? I find this the hardest. And what hurts the most is when you unlock all for that one person, who didn’t appreciate how naked you let them see you . If you find a way to get past the hurt and trust issues, please share with me. I would be very interested to learn.

[ho****]

Curvykate if you get a sure fire please let all the rest of us know. The sad and ***ful thing about betrayal is that more you trusted and loved this person the more it hurts. I tried to jump right back in because my former submissive was doing just that. I did not realize that she had a months head start of emotionally disconcerting and networking her new life. I am still spinning my wheels and just hate that I can no longer trust what is said to me is true.

[Deleted Member]

17 hours ago, smeagol said:

Sadly Trust is the hardest thing to make and the easiest to break.  It takes a long time to gain, I always prolong the conversations over time with someone i would hopefully form a relationship with.  Over time i always look for any inconsistency and should be able to pull them on it and them vice versa, it's a two way thing.

Iv'e been led on, lied to both scene and vanilla so know i have walls up, that take time to get through, " it's self preservation" once trust has been broken in my mind it can never really be the same again.  People forget the mental *** and damage being led on and used can have on any person.

 

I'm sorry that you've had your trust broken. I trust too easily. I don't know if I can or want to change that. I do spend a long time talking to someone before meeting. I don't know that anything I could have done would have protected me from being ghosted. No red flags, no inconsistencies. He had his walls up for good reason I think, as do you. I don't. I guess that's what the post was about. Not sure what the answers are. Perhaps it's just that we each find a way to deal with the inevitable hurt.

[Deleted Member]

16 hours ago, SirGreen said:

I feel you. I can forgive most thing but not lies. I’m open and honest with the people who have earned that openness. But once that trust has been broken, its very hard for it to be there again for me. I’m up front with people and all I ever ask in return is the same back. If that’s too hard for them, then they never get that close to me and that’s more their loss without sounding arrogant. That said its finding a way not to let the past (and the horrid people in it) set the way you want to be as a person. No one should have to grow a thick skin when one loves the tender touch, however finding a way to mentally deal with others bad behaviour is the only way you can be free to discover the nice people.

I love what you say about people who won't be open with you don't get close to you. Because you're right, that is their loss. When I open up, I give all of me. Maybe I need to be valuing that more. Maybe we all do. 🙌🏻

[Deleted Member]

16 hours ago, Fists-o-furry said:

Definitely not as easy as it is simple… we all have our things that life keeps throwing at us over and over and until we are able to both recognize and then begin to change whatever it is inside us that we need to resolve to move forward. I recently had a very short first bdsm relationship ever and it was also really intense… I sort misbehaved (according to her) and she dumped me… and I was ready to beg her to take me back and then I realized that she didn’t have my well-being at heart. Her priority was her pleasure and fuck the fact that I am not in a space to do that with her because my (very best friend ever) service dog is dying and he is my whole world but yeah dump me for that. Kick me while I’m already down! Now here’s the thing… I no longer need to beg anyone for anything because I know my worth and I am worthy of respect ✊ and so @Curvykate are you as well. Know your worth and teach yourself how to honor it and you will continue to grow as you go along.

I'm glad you're finding your worth and valuing that. Very sorry to hear of your dog - they are so very special. I'd be devastated too if mine was ill. You're right - we keep doing the same things until we recognise what needs to change or accept that we are making choices about dealing with the good and bad.

[Deleted Member]

8 hours ago, DarkSweetAngel said:

This speaks to me so much but I wasn’t brave like you to start a topic. Do you find that you end up questioning your judgement in people? I find this the hardest. And what hurts the most is when you unlock all for that one person, who didn’t appreciate how naked you let them see you . If you find a way to get past the hurt and trust issues, please share with me. I would be very interested to learn.

I'm glad you're finding something that resonates in the post and the responses from others. Fwiw, making myself a little *** by posting is always rewarded in spades in the answers I receive. The perspectives I hadn't considered. I am still figuring it out (clearly!) but it is different for each person. I'm not going to change who I am and become more guarded. I spent many years not being me because I was gaslighted by an ex. I will take the risk rather than do that again. Thebian's reply helped me see that even with the most recent incident (ghosting) there were positives. I can only control what I do and how I respond. And if you stay true to you then there is pride in doing that even if the other person didn't appreciate it. You make yourself *** for yourself as much as them. I feel considerably better and more at peace 24 hours after posting. Perhaps merely getting it down or sharing might help you? DM if that would help.

[Deleted Member]

13 hours ago, houston1961 said:

Curvykate if you get a sure fire please let all the rest of us know. The sad and ***ful thing about betrayal is that more you trusted and loved this person the more it hurts. I tried to jump right back in because my former submissive was doing just that. I did not realize that she had a months head start of emotionally disconcerting and networking her new life. I am still spinning my wheels and just hate that I can no longer trust what is said to me is true.

I think there are some things that will help in the responses for this post. At least for me they help. And yes, sadly the more you care for someone the more it hurts. You lost faith in your own judgment as well as your worth. Takes time to build up again.

[Invisible71]

Whilst there is so much available on this site, trust is lacking in major ways. 

 

I have had trust broken enough times in here to now be very cautious about giving it out and like you I've come extremely close to leaving this site and never coming back. 

I'm also very very tired of being the one who tries to keep communications going all the time.... and when I do give up being the one that makes contact every couple of days, I feel guilty that they might think I'm truely ghosting them when in fact I just wish they'd help keep things going. 

 

As others have said, trust should be earnt over time and never ever given away freely. 

 

But overall there are no simple answers for this here and all you can do, as hard as it may be, is to decide if you want to try and form kink friendships in your life MORE than knowing that the risk of feeling emotionally destroyed is high with each attempt. 

 

Be safe sweetheart. 

 

i71

[ol****]

I wish I knew what to say. Much good advice has already been given.

For sure once trust is broken it can't be repaired.  For me, I start with honesty and my other test is s***d, slow is good in my world. False freinds will not survive slow the investmet they make is not in you but in getting what they want. As to how much I choose to trust another, that varies but in truth it's a two way street. The more I trust somebody the more I find I am trusted.