Where have all the submissive s gone

[ey****]

2 hours ago, Curvykate said:

I can't speak for other women, obviously, but being more prepared to speak up for what I want/need/would enjoy has been a failing for me all my life. It's actually learning more about how men think in the last few years that's made that easier. The conversations on this forum and private chats help. There's an openness generally in the community I just haven't found in vanilla life.

yeah - obviously my experience there is very observational - but - a lot of men are often explicit in what they want.  Sometimes too explicit to the point it blurs the message "I want to worship feet" (so the person doesn't matter, only the feet?) "I want a sub who will do what she is told?" (So basically you want a beer, blowjob and housework done... what about what she wants?) "I wish to serve", "OK pay me", "Not like that... I'll do anything you ask as long as I'm not contributing financial - just tell me to kiss your feet or jerk off or something"

So. Myself. Largely I know what I want and I know my limitations.  I know that it will be difficult to find some of the relationships and (for want of  a better word) arrangements I would like.   

So if I do get a Dominant, a submissive, a play partner, a f*ck buddy, even just one off play - it has to be terms that works for us all.  And, well, I know there are people in the world that like me but one of us can't offer what the other would like.  

 

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said:

yeah - obviously my experience there is very observational - but - a lot of men are often explicit in what they want.  Sometimes too explicit to the point it blurs the message "I want to worship feet" (so the person doesn't matter, only the feet?) "I want a sub who will do what she is told?" (So basically you want a beer, blowjob and housework done... what about what she wants?) "I wish to serve", "OK pay me", "Not like that... I'll do anything you ask as long as I'm not contributing financial - just tell me to kiss your feet or jerk off or something"

So. Myself. Largely I know what I want and I know my limitations.  I know that it will be difficult to find some of the relationships and (for want of  a better word) arrangements I would like.   

So if I do get a Dominant, a submissive, a play partner, a f*ck buddy, even just one off play - it has to be terms that works for us all.  And, well, I know there are people in the world that like me but one of us can't offer what the other would like.  

 

I think explicit is a good word as I'm often told in explicit terms exactly what men want. 😆 Tbf men do ask what I want. I don't know if this is a sub or a female thing but I struggle hugely to express my needs. But of course if both people don't clearly state what they want, it's either never going to happen or will be unsuccessful!

[Phoenyx]

After reading through this discussion, there are a couple other points that might be of importance.  These are more general points, about the false impressions that the public Scene may give to anyone new.

First, on the seeming lack of submissives, and the apparent prevalence of "scammers".  Submissives are just as worried about dealing with scammers as the Dom/mes---it not more-so.  Scammers appear more prevalent because they are so loud and intrusive---giving the illusion of greater numbers.   Conversely, many submissives are keeping a low profile, just to avoid dealing with scammers.  They are quietly following the Dom/mes who post, looking for who is genuine, and who is hopefully "local".  This process takes time, and requires a lot of patience.

Second is the great illusion of the "Public Scene".  Those new to The Scene often get the impression that is an unfettered orgy, with hook-ups occurring within a matter of minutes.  "Newbies" do not see the long, slow process of folks getting to know each other---which could involve weeks, months, or even years (see my first point above).  For the uninitiated, this illusion can seem like a great kick in the emotional gut---a profound feeling of being "left out".  We have all been there, as everyone was "new" at some point.  The secret is to remember that this is just an illusion.  Don't let this false impression lead to ***, frustration, and negative reactions.  In this case, the old saying really does apply: "Good things come to those who wait."

Third, involves the many different ways that dominance can be expressed.  The most obvious (simply from being the loudest and most overt) is tendency to bark orders and act better than the rest of the World.  Though effective in some circumstances, it is more often seen as sheer arrogance---very off-putting.  A more effective technique involves watching, learning, and "reading between the lines".  Humans tend to telegraph a lot of their inner feelings, through eye contact, facial expressions, body language, and the words that they choose.  This is why many experienced Dom/mes appear to be "mind readers".  Still, never assume!  Be soft and diplomatic in testing your theories---always leaving the submissive an obvious "out" (should they wish to take it).  More to the point, beware of "false positives!"

Anyway, I hope that this helps.

[Deleted Member]

5 hours ago, Phoenyx said:

After reading through this discussion, there are a couple other points that might be of importance.  These are more general points, about the false impressions that the public Scene may give to anyone new.

First, on the seeming lack of submissives, and the apparent prevalence of "scammers".  Submissives are just as worried about dealing with scammers as the Dom/mes---it not more-so.  Scammers appear more prevalent because they are so loud and intrusive---giving the illusion of greater numbers.   Conversely, many submissives are keeping a low profile, just to avoid dealing with scammers.  They are quietly following the Dom/mes who post, looking for who is genuine, and who is hopefully "local".  This process takes time, and requires a lot of patience.

Second is the great illusion of the "Public Scene".  Those new to The Scene often get the impression that is an unfettered orgy, with hook-ups occurring within a matter of minutes.  "Newbies" do not see the long, slow process of folks getting to know each other---which could involve weeks, months, or even years (see my first point above).  For the uninitiated, this illusion can seem like a great kick in the emotional gut---a profound feeling of being "left out".  We have all been there, as everyone was "new" at some point.  The secret is to remember that this is just an illusion.  Don't let this false impression lead to ***, frustration, and negative reactions.  In this case, the old saying really does apply: "Good things come to those who wait."

Third, involves the many different ways that dominance can be expressed.  The most obvious (simply from being the loudest and most overt) is tendency to bark orders and act better than the rest of the World.  Though effective in some circumstances, it is more often seen as sheer arrogance---very off-putting.  A more effective technique involves watching, learning, and "reading between the lines".  Humans tend to telegraph a lot of their inner feelings, through eye contact, facial expressions, body language, and the words that they choose.  This is why many experienced Dom/mes appear to be "mind readers".  Still, never assume!  Be soft and diplomatic in testing your theories---always leaving the submissive an obvious "out" (should they wish to take it).  More to the point, beware of "false positives!"

Anyway, I hope that this helps.

I don't think the OP is new. And... what do you mean no unfettered orgies? 😲🥲

[ey****]

8 hours ago, Phoenyx said:

After reading through this discussion, there are a couple other points that might be of importance.  These are more general points, about the false impressions that the public Scene may give to anyone new.

First, on the seeming lack of submissives, and the apparent prevalence of "scammers".  Submissives are just as worried about dealing with scammers as the Dom/mes---it not more-so.  Scammers appear more prevalent because they are so loud and intrusive---giving the illusion of greater numbers.   Conversely, many submissives are keeping a low profile, just to avoid dealing with scammers.  They are quietly following the Dom/mes who post, looking for who is genuine, and who is hopefully "local".  This process takes time, and requires a lot of patience.

Second is the great illusion of the "Public Scene".  Those new to The Scene often get the impression that is an unfettered orgy, with hook-ups occurring within a matter of minutes.  "Newbies" do not see the long, slow process of folks getting to know each other---which could involve weeks, months, or even years (see my first point above).  For the uninitiated, this illusion can seem like a great kick in the emotional gut---a profound feeling of being "left out".  We have all been there, as everyone was "new" at some point.  The secret is to remember that this is just an illusion.  Don't let this false impression lead to ***, frustration, and negative reactions.  In this case, the old saying really does apply: "Good things come to those who wait."

Third, involves the many different ways that dominance can be expressed.  The most obvious (simply from being the loudest and most overt) is tendency to bark orders and act better than the rest of the World.  Though effective in some circumstances, it is more often seen as sheer arrogance---very off-putting.  A more effective technique involves watching, learning, and "reading between the lines".  Humans tend to telegraph a lot of their inner feelings, through eye contact, facial expressions, body language, and the words that they choose.  This is why many experienced Dom/mes appear to be "mind readers".  Still, never assume!  Be soft and diplomatic in testing your theories---always leaving the submissive an obvious "out" (should they wish to take it).  More to the point, beware of "false positives!"

Anyway, I hope that this helps.

I can't disagree with anything you've said - but - to tie in

Sometimes, I get a little bias by the public scene. I don't mean to. One of the wonderful things about sites like this is I can connect with those from outside my local scene with their own experience and expertise - and there's plenty of people I'd love to meet - some of which I'm sure I will

But,

I think I get a little too rhetorical to some of the bait messages - I both know that it can be frustrating - and know that many people make posts to bait.

So - I dunno - I guess if someone *does* genuinely feel they're "outnumbered" then participating in a local scene won't *fix things* but the tech doesn't exist for international scammers to attend local events in person - I guess - it won't ensure a relationship but will, I guess, hopefully, end the idea that people are just after coin. 

I guess the ultimate problem is too many people - regardless of gender or desired dynamic - want an end result without the legwork 

[qu****]

From a scamming point the days of lone people doing it have more or less gone, they are now run pretty much as businesses, "the company" happily pay for their "staff" to be members and even for verification, it doesn't take many "victims" to fall for it giving away *** and the business making more than their outlay, probably the main reason for scammers prevalence, all we can do is report them and be aware, and the old favourite if it looks fishy and smells fishy it probably is fishy, though this is a different aspect as mentioned in the op, but one that should be mentioned, as I've said before elsewhere Sex Sells...

[ey****]

1 hour ago, quietlysure said:

as I've said before elsewhere Sex Sells...

lots of things sell

(incidentally - studies show that adverts which are sexual in nature are often enjoyed more by men, but forgettable as of what product they're for)

There is very much business organised scamming - but, a lot of the scams also focus on one area.   Whilst rely on a little bit naivety, a lot tend also to fall onto the pattern that men can be cheap.  So if for example... if someone approached a Pro Domme and said I wanted to be collared by them.  Most would be kinda... you're going to need to session with me for a period of time and do things outside of session for me and this and that - and so it's going to take time and probably a lot of ***. (mind, all relationships take time and often ***.) so then when there's a scammer in their inbox going "I'll slave train you for a one off payment of £100" - let's be honest, there's a part in a guy who is a bit "£100 - most pros charge this for an hour - yeah, I'm totally winning here and getting a good deal and this couldn't possibly be a scam" - and then get scammed.   

Other examples exist.

The old "if something seems too good to be true, it probably is" 

[Phoenyx]

17 hours ago, Curvykate said:

what do you mean no unfettered orgies?

I was thinking mostly about public venues, like dungeon/play parties or fetish events.  At such venues, "play" is ubiquitous.  To the uninitiated, such large events may appear chaotic, and couples may seem to form instantly and randomly.  A "newbie" may not know of the long-established rapport that already exists between those folks.  Some of the attendees may even be polyamorous, with two or three regular play partners.  This only adds to the orgy-like illusion.  The underlying dynamic is not immediately apparent.  To a certain extent, this may also be true of on-line dynamics.

17 hours ago, Curvykate said:

I don't think the OP is new.

This wasn't directed so much at the OP, as those who might be reading this thread, to answer their own personal questions, or who might be feeling emotional *** for similar reasons.  So many new folks leave The Scene, because they get this profound and agonizing feeling of being "left out".  Hopefully, dispelling this illusion, will encourage more folks to stick-with-it, and allow the needed dynamics to form.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Phoenyx said:

This wasn't directed so much at the OP, as those who might be reading this thread, to answer their own personal questions, or who might be feeling emotional *** for similar reasons.  So many new folks leave The Scene, because they get this profound and agonizing feeling of being "left out".  Hopefully, dispelling this illusion, will encourage more folks to stick-with-it, and allow the needed dynamics to form.

I was making a joke about the orgies, Phoenyx 😁. I know people often get a lot out of the comments even if the OP doesn't engage much with them. 😁

[ey****]

I think it is one of the common misconceptions - seeing photos, videos, stories, whatever

"I want in - how do I make it me?"

"Well, everyone in those picturs, videos, stories, scenes got to know each other over a long period of time and build up trust.  You can make it you, but it'll take time..."

"Time? So I can't do it tomorrow?"
"No. Unless I guess you paid a Pro"

"So, I've either got to wait or pay? your scene sucks I'm off to moan about it" 

[Deleted Member]

It would be interesting to know the ratio of real people and those just wanting to make ***. On most sites where I bring up my fets the majority of those "interested" are only after ***.

[ey****]

6 hours ago, jackstains said:

It would be interesting to know the ratio of real people and those just wanting to make ***. On most sites where I bring up my fets the majority of those "interested" are only after ***.

Online can be a battlefield - and even if someone does do things for financial it doesn't mean they're not "real" - but, still

Generally speaking - on the forums on this site the number of people on the forums who are "real" is virtually 100%.  The mods are usually pretty quick it ripping down those that are financial based.   Even on other websites - usually those who are "genuine" are contributing and making posts and such - and some of them might be Pro's so there is payment involved so they're not a match for you; just as the person with totally different kinks, or lives 2 continents away, or generally has other ideas is not compatible. But still.

And I guess, as I say, for anyone who does get disheartened - if you go to munches/events/etc people are there, in the flesh - you know they're not bots or people sat trying to scam people from another country to where they're listed - they're there.

 

[qu****]

Whilst it's annoying the simplest thing to do as soon as any form of *** is mentioned and it's not your thing just say bye-bye you're of no interest to me

[Deleted Member]

I do, then block them.

[Ra****]

They're scared cause of the fake Doms they find. Everyone seems to be a dom but no one wants to commit or they don't know what they're doing.

[ki****]

I think because of fake Dom’s and the vulnerability of being a submissive we are very cautious about revealingly too much to soon so it puts a barrier up. As soon as you mention being a sub it seems to give all sorts of people the green light to say they are a Dom. But with careful questioning you can work out if they are real
Or not but it can take time to find that out so it is off putting for subs to put themselves out there so that may explain why you feel there are less subs.

[Deleted Member]

On 7/1/2021 at 11:51 PM, Mr-Brown said:

Everyone one wants a " daddy" now lol *** *** 🙄

Not everyone who wants a Daddy wants ***.

Some are looking for daddies.....my Daddy is a Daddy Dom, not a Daddy. 

Nothing to do with *** 

[Ka****]

It’s hard to find a Genuine Dom/Daddy/Primal. I’m a Brat. 24/7. I live the lifestyle. I have gotten more than a few fake DDs or even BTs that claim to be the real thing, within a few short conversations true colors emerge. No talk of limits. No talk of safe words. No talk of aftercare. Just fakes wanting a quick ride.

[Jo****]

I’m a submissive and I am finding y’all comments very helpful…I am newly opened about what I want in life and I have to admit that it is both very satisfying to know that there are people who share my same interest and also scary at the same time

[de****]

New sub looking for a female dom .. it’s not as easy to find as I thought it would be

[Dominator-6123]

I know what she wants, she has done it all (so she thinks), but what happens when a man comes to get her that has something specific in mind, something that starts out slow, she thinks "Boring", then there is the look, the man stares at her waiting to enter her soul, waiting to give it in pieces, she starts to wonder, is this me?, could i make it though, he takes it, she knows this is not an everyday man, what is it,...

[em****]

🙋🏼‍♀️

[Phoenyx]

I have an interesting twist on the question of a "genuine" Dom.  It has been so many years since my last active involvement in The Scene, that I have to wonder if I may have lost my "touch".  Do I even still have the energy for it?

[Deleted Member]

Im a anal only submissive and it’s hard for me to find local Doms. Currently I’m not owned but don’t want to be at this point in my life. But if the right Man comes along I’m open to it.  

[li****]

You just have to play the game. I’d say younger people are down to atleast try it. Because of 50 shades of grey. And how it’s almost romanticized in that movie. Although real life is way different and different people have different kinks. But I’d say people 30 and up are just kinda boring if they haven’t been in this lifestyle. So get a 20 year old of your specific preference and see