Gaslighting

[Deleted Member]

Every time you twist the truth. Every time you tell them they're imagining things. When they're not. Every time you say you're just joking or "don't be so sensitive". Every little untruth. Multiplied over weeks, months, years. Do you know what it does to a person?

It makes them doubt reality. Doubt themselves. Wonder if they're every (false) thing you tell them they are. They lose confidence, can't make decisions, feel lost and confused. It means they might not trust people because they don't know what's real. The effects can last for years. Long after you're gone.

Every time you toy with someone's reality or emotions - you're gaslighting. It's emotional ***. Tell the truth. Stop toying with people's heads. 😠

*************************************
This is not just my experience. There are undoubtedly many people here who've been gaslighted. Others who don't even realise. 😟

[sk****]

Amen to that. I hear you loud and clear, have recently had this exact experience and the thing is I could forgive everything if he was upfront and honest but being lied to and deceived is the worst, we are worthy of the truth

[Deleted Member]

Very unexpected read! Can fully relate to that.. been there myself.. and can only fully agree- when someone is trying to convince you're oversensitive- when you not, you're imagining things - when you not, trying to twist and turn your reality- you start to believe! Belive you going ***y crazy. Then you trying to revalue all your life to accept what's happening around you...all your rights and wrongs.. and all that mess only becomes some very insecure little person can't admit that's certain boundaries shouldn't be crossed so it's just easier to make you the psychotic one !
Thank you for that Kate ! I hope you are ok !

[Deleted Member]

3 minutes ago, skylinegirl said:

Amen to that. I hear you loud and clear, have recently had this exact experience and the thing is I could forgive everything if he was upfront and honest but being lied to and deceived is the worst, we are worthy of the truth

I'm sorry that's happened to you too. 😟Honesty just becomes so much more important doesn't it?

[sk****]

For me without honesty and trust there’s nothing

[Deleted Member]

7 minutes ago, Kinkycouple81 said:

Very unexpected read! Can fully relate to that.. been there myself.. and can only fully agree- when someone is trying to convince you're oversensitive- when you not, you're imagining things - when you not, trying to twist and turn your reality- you start to believe! Belive you going ***y crazy. Then you trying to revalue all your life to accept what's happening around you...all your rights and wrongs.. and all that mess only becomes some very insecure little person can't admit that's certain boundaries shouldn't be crossed so it's just easier to make you the psychotic one !
Thank you for that Kate ! I hope you are ok !

🤗 Unexpected? Nothing to do with kink I guess 😁. It was prompted by conversations this week. Other people also feeling like they're crazy and I'm sorry that you've also been treated like this. I'm angry on your behalf when it's impossible to be angry at the person who gaslighted me. Do you still find it affects you?

[Deleted Member]

30 minutes ago, Curvykate said:

🤗 Unexpected? Nothing to do with kink I guess 😁. It was prompted by conversations this week. Other people also feeling like they're crazy and I'm sorry that you've also been treated like this. I'm angry on your behalf when it's impossible to be angry at the person who gaslighted me. Do you still find it affects you?

Just didn't expect that at all ! Lol but I'm very grateful you touched that subject! It doesn't affect me as much anymore.. it took me good couple of years to find my confidence and have proper "leave it in a past" attitude! The thing is that longer you stuck in that situation less respect you got.. not only for person who caused it but to yourself as well.. for allowing someone to be a dick! I buried all bad feelings , try to keep it civil- as this person is still somehow part of my life ... so what's in my head is mine... smile and nod - works for me ! Lol I can't be angry at someone for long - it messes with my inner peace! I'm true beliver that what comes around goes around! So I will just sit and wait !

Edited July 10, 2021 by Deleted Member

[LuLuChad]

I feel this in my soul

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Kinkycouple81 said:

Just didn't expect that at all ! Lol but I'm very grateful you touched that subject! It doesn't affect me as much anymore.. it took me good couple of years to find my confidence and have proper "leave it in a past" attitude! The thing is that longer you stuck in that situation less respect you got.. not only for person who caused it but to yourself as well.. for allowing someone to be a dick! I buried all bad feelings , try to keep it civil- as this person is still somehow part of my life ... so what's in my head is mine... smile and nod - works for me ! Lol I can't be angry at someone for long - it messes with my inner peace! I'm true beliver that what comes around goes around! So I will just sit and wait !

Glad to hear that you've left it behind. I have to be in contact too and it's not over for me yet but a lot better. You've mentioned something so important - we not only go through this, we then blame ourselves for it happening! It's insidious. Day by day little chunks of doubt are seeded. 😔 Impossible to even put into words at times what's happening.

[Deleted Member]

12 minutes ago, LuLuChad said:

I feel this in my soul

I wish you didn't. I don't wish gaslighting upon anyone. I hope it gets easier.

[Deleted Member]

Thank you Curykate, Kinkycouole81 and skylinegirl for being brave enough to share your experiences. It is unacceptable behaviour and a method of pernicious control. Acceptance of the past and moving forward means they no longer can exercise that control x

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, Adraug51 said:

Thank you Curykate, Kinkycouole81 and skylinegirl for being brave enough to share your experiences. It is unacceptable behaviour and a method of pernicious control. Acceptance of the past and moving forward means they no longer can exercise that control x

Thank you. Pernicious control is spot on.

[Deleted Member]

I escaped my narcissistic ***r 3 years ago this month. I've achieved 2 years no contact since the divorce. It will absolutely continue forever. She nearly killed me. I worked so hard for her but nothing was ever enough. I broke. 

It left me feeling I can't put much effort into a new relationship. Not that I don't want to but because I can't trust people deeply enough. 

I've met a couple of people since but as soon as a problem arises I start shutting down. Giving up. 

It's a bit of a ***. I'm lonely as fuck but I don't do much about it. I've tried counciling but I just hit brick walls. 

We all have to soldier on. Each day is a step forward on the long road to recovery.

 

[li****]

I also escaped my narcissistic, gaslighting ex. For years I thought I was the one who was in the wrong and the one that had to change I didn't have a clue what was happening till it was too late and he did his worst!!! I was trapped for years it lead to me being ***d mentality, physically and emotionally!!! I was a shell of myself when I finally was able to get free from him. I had no confidence, no trust, no ***. I honestly thought I'd never ever trust any one ever again. I got myself in a cycle of bad relationship after bad relationship and only when I got help from a therapist did I see what was happening. I'm now happy with my Sir @Liam52 he's made me see that not all men and Dom's are dickheads and fake etc!!! There are some good ones out there yeah it's like finding a needle in an haystack but they do exist!!! 

[Udontknow]

First like in my life!

[Th****]

I think it is time I stood up to be counted.

 

Gaslighting occurs to Dominants as well. I know we are the ones who in a scene are in control but in a family mostly I operate as an equal.

So the same lies, the same distortion of reality of projected back onto your self, and all those other things that everyone has so bravely witnessed to can happen. 

I think that more you give a Gaslighter the benefit of the doubt the more you enable them, this in turn  erodes our own trust. Both in others and if it goes on long enough ultimately we no longer trust our selves.

In my mind one of the biggest scars is how it affects future relationships. It takes a mental effort for me not to doubt.

Happily I over think, who knew huh? 

So my if automatic thought is it is a lie, a mistruth or a trap, then it can be over taken by the thought of who I am talking to.

My head is like an internal conversation, yeah I realise this does not sound good.

I find I am ultimately more aware of the love, honesty and trust of others.

I will never take these for granted again.

 

[Deleted Member]

This community never fails to amaze me - thank you @lil-monster @Thebian and @Axlsub 🙌🏻. I know how hard it is for anyone to say "this happened to me" but I think there may be others reading who recognise your truth and honesty. I wrote because this week I doubted what happened. It's so powerful to read others saying to keep believing yourself.

[Deleted Member]

26 minutes ago, Udontknow said:

First like in my life!

I am honoured 🤗

[Je****]

This is such a sad but interesting topic.

 

Ive been staying offline for a day or two because ive just had enough of this kind of thing. But i couldnt scroll past this post. As you may well know Kate from some of our interactions on forums, i have met very much with the same trauma or ***s as you have done along the way. Know you are not alone. <3

 

In terms of subs and dom/mes, i sometimes think people can feel insecure and use these techniques to latch on and keep a grip *but* making the person doubt themselves and stay with what is 'familiar' and 'keeping the safe'. So a sub gaslighting a dom/me might make that dom/me want to hold tighter to the sub, therefore comforting the subs anxieties of being left, and so on. But not every person is like that. I think we need to have faith some are different.

But of course it is not just limited to BDSM or kink roles.

-----

I have had relationships where gaslighting became the normal means of communication and it was upsetting as family and friends noticed this, but didnt want to 'step on toes', leaving me worse off.

Gaslighting is not particular to gender or background, race or religion, sub/dom etc. I really think and feel "humans" just 'have this in them'.

Being subjected to it daily kind of lets you know what to be on the look out for. 

I have been recently encountering sly/viscious jabs at my expense. Which i let slide because this person is 'nice'. But when i confronted those jabs/comments i get told 'its only a joke, im only teasing, stop over reacting/thinking too much into it'. Then next thing it happens again. Passive *** comments. So i speak up again.

And *I* look like the bad one for confronting these comments and told its in my head. WELL NO. SORRY. It doesnt work like that. I know gaslighting when i see it and no matter how much someone claims to joke or that your just 'sensitive' it needs to stop.

How can we though if the person doing this makes it into a 'joke'... Which people may agree with, but you *know* its not that at all. Does that mean we are paranoid? That we are terrible for doubting them? NO. If we think and feel this is happening to us, we need to speak up about it. Any of us. All we can do is look out for one another. Stop and be mindful of what *we* are saying. Make sure we are doing our bit to stomp out this behaviour.

It happens in real life, online, anywhere really. 

But know that it makes you *so* much more deeper, valuable and pretty fucking amazing to come out the other end of it stronger. That you are brave and know your worth. That you arent going to be weakened by these sad cases who want to drag down the strong powerful person you are. Never ever settle for even a small % of this behaviour cause you really, really deserve so much more <3

Confront it and stand your ground and challenge those who you feel are even trying to make you doubt yourself. Wash your hands of them and move on to be happy. I really feel for you Kate because i admire you so much from just our small interactions on this forum. You really are amazing for not giving up xxxx

Edited July 10, 2021 by JenniferTP
fix some grammar

[Deleted Member]

It does not matter one little bit who you are, Domme, Dom, sub, switch, vanilla, whatever, ....you, we are all *** to narcs for just being a kind, compassionate, empathic, human. 

The trouble is, nobody has any clue what is happening until it's too late. It does not matter how clued up you think you are, or how wise, or aware, or anything else, humans are ***. 

Narcissism is a spectrum. And we're all on it. Most of us try and make ourselves better people. Narcs don't. 

The good news is, there are far too many good people in the world than narcs. 

Stay strong, just know you're a good person, striving to be better than you were yesterday. Never ever stop doing that. 

Hugs to everybody 🙂

 

[Deleted Member]

9 hours ago, JenniferTP said:

This is such a sad but interesting topic.

 

Ive been staying offline for a day or two because ive just had enough of this kind of thing. But i couldnt scroll past this post. As you may well know Kate from some of our interactions on forums, i have met very much with the same trauma or ***s as you have done along the way. Know you are not alone. <3

 

In terms of subs and dom/mes, i sometimes think people can feel insecure and use these techniques to latch on and keep a grip *but* making the person doubt themselves and stay with what is 'familiar' and 'keeping the safe'. So a sub gaslighting a dom/me might make that dom/me want to hold tighter to the sub, therefore comforting the subs anxieties of being left, and so on. But not every person is like that. I think we need to have faith some are different.

But of course it is not just limited to BDSM or kink roles.

-----

I have had relationships where gaslighting became the normal means of communication and it was upsetting as family and friends noticed this, but didnt want to 'step on toes', leaving me worse off.

Gaslighting is not particular to gender or background, race or religion, sub/dom etc. I really think and feel "humans" just 'have this in them'.

Being subjected to it daily kind of lets you know what to be on the look out for. 

I have been recently encountering sly/viscious jabs at my expense. Which i let slide because this person is 'nice'. But when i confronted those jabs/comments i get told 'its only a joke, im only teasing, stop over reacting/thinking too much into it'. Then next thing it happens again. Passive *** comments. So i speak up again.

And *I* look like the bad one for confronting these comments and told its in my head. WELL NO. SORRY. It doesnt work like that. I know gaslighting when i see it and no matter how much someone claims to joke or that your just 'sensitive' it needs to stop.

How can we though if the person doing this makes it into a 'joke'... Which people may agree with, but you *know* its not that at all. Does that mean we are paranoid? That we are terrible for doubting them? NO. If we think and feel this is happening to us, we need to speak up about it. Any of us. All we can do is look out for one another. Stop and be mindful of what *we* are saying. Make sure we are doing our bit to stomp out this behaviour.

It happens in real life, online, anywhere really. 

But know that it makes you *so* much more deeper, valuable and pretty fucking amazing to come out the other end of it stronger. That you are brave and know your worth. That you arent going to be weakened by these sad cases who want to drag down the strong powerful person you are. Never ever settle for even a small % of this behaviour cause you really, really deserve so much more <3

Confront it and stand your ground and challenge those who you feel are even trying to make you doubt yourself. Wash your hands of them and move on to be happy. I really feel for you Kate because i admire you so much from just our small interactions on this forum. You really are amazing for not giving up xxxx

Thanks so much for sharing your experience of this, Jen. And for the kind words 🤗 I hope that you speak them to yourself too? Pushing back against gaslighting takes strength. Because often others just don't see it - when it's "jokey" as you say. And the assumption is that only a partner gaslights when it can come from anywhere. I realised that a boss had done it to me years after. Having to keep asserting boundaries and reality time after time is ...challenging to say the least. Sometimes you need to step away. And come back fighting. 😏💪🏻

[Deleted Member]

6 hours ago, Axlsub said:

It does not matter one little bit who you are, Domme, Dom, sub, switch, vanilla, whatever, ....you, we are all *** to narcs for just being a kind, compassionate, empathic, human. 

The trouble is, nobody has any clue what is happening until it's too late. It does not matter how clued up you think you are, or how wise, or aware, or anything else, humans are ***. 

Narcissism is a spectrum. And we're all on it. Most of us try and make ourselves better people. Narcs don't. 

The good news is, there are far too many good people in the world than narcs. 

Stay strong, just know you're a good person, striving to be better than you were yesterday. Never ever stop doing that. 

Hugs to everybody 🙂

 

Really important point, thank you! Insidious narcs can get to anyone. It doesn't mean you are weak. It means some people are selfish twats.

[Deleted Member]

6 hours ago, Axlsub said:

It does not matter one little bit who you are, Domme, Dom, sub, switch, vanilla, whatever, ....you, we are all *** to narcs for just being a kind, compassionate, empathic, human. 

The trouble is, nobody has any clue what is happening until it's too late. It does not matter how clued up you think you are, or how wise, or aware, or anything else, humans are ***. 

Narcissism is a spectrum. And we're all on it. Most of us try and make ourselves better people. Narcs don't. 

The good news is, there are far too many good people in the world than narcs. 

Stay strong, just know you're a good person, striving to be better than you were yesterday. Never ever stop doing that. 

Hugs to everybody 🙂

 

For me, recovery has been learning to protect my energy and preserve it with healthy boundaries.  

I was married to one for 7 years,  and thought I'd nailed recognising "red flags" etc etc

I joined here and it happened again within days of being here and you're right "I had no clue what was happening until it was too late". After 16 months of what I thought was an established relationship,  it started... lies, deceit, my feelings disregarded. I endured 8 months and a day of trying to "make myself better" in therapy,  thinking I was going mad,  thinking at one point I'd rather be dead because it hurt so much. 

Then I realised,  the light came,  the fight in me stopped and I realised it wasn't me who was broken. 

Anyone experiencing this,  I want to send the message that there is light,  there is hope,  you don't deserve to be treated badly and if it hurts in your tummy (gut instinct) then don't ignore it.  

🔥🙏🔥

[ol****]

Some interesting thoughts in this thread. Reminds us all to think before we speak.

[Je****]

4 hours ago, Curvykate said:

Thanks so much for sharing your experience of this, Jen. And for the kind words 🤗 I hope that you speak them to yourself too? Pushing back against gaslighting takes strength. Because often others just don't see it - when it's "jokey" as you say. And the assumption is that only a partner gaslights when it can come from anywhere. I realised that a boss had done it to me years after. Having to keep asserting boundaries and reality time after time is ...challenging to say the least. Sometimes you need to step away. And come back fighting. 😏💪🏻

I try. I have mostly surrounded myself with people who support me. 

Its hard to think yourself capable of moving on and not letting it bother you. As you mentioned above, it stays with you, creeping up now and then even after that person has gone. 

--

These 'nice' people can say provoking comments, when confronted label it a 'joke' and get away with it. I get told to 'chill' or 'stop being paranoid'. But how to speak my mind without being labelled absurd for accusing these 'nice' people of said behaviour. This is how they work.

I really hate it when someone uses the term 'paranoid' to describe someone. Usually theyve went through shit and thats why they appear "paranoid". Then, if they see shit again, they excuse themselves as paranoid or someone else does and the cycle repeats. 

My ex had me "paranoid" about cheating to the point i attempted my life (multiple) and ended up in therapy. 4 months later told me it wasnt all in my head. Thats how cruel this thing is and how damaging those words can be to someone. Now, im so outspoken, determined, gobby and loud. I wont let someone do that to me again. If someone who cares for you can push you THAT far, then they deserve no place in your life.

--

Repsect, honesty, patience and understanding as well as full communication and a little compassion is the basics of what makes a good person. I have faith they exist.

Wishing you all the best in your journey Kate! Bigger, brighter things are meant for you. Keep going, youre pretty amazing as i said before <3