Gaslighting

[Je****]

4 hours ago, Firewitch said:

For me, recovery has been learning to protect my energy and preserve it with healthy boundaries.  

I was married to one for 7 years,  and thought I'd nailed recognising "red flags" etc etc

I joined here and it happened again within days of being here and you're right "I had no clue what was happening until it was too late". After 16 months of what I thought was an established relationship,  it started... lies, deceit, my feelings disregarded. I endured 8 months and a day of trying to "make myself better" in therapy,  thinking I was going mad,  thinking at one point I'd rather be dead because it hurt so much. 

Then I realised,  the light came,  the fight in me stopped and I realised it wasn't me who was broken. 

Anyone experiencing this,  I want to send the message that there is light,  there is hope,  you don't deserve to be treated badly and if it hurts in your tummy (gut instinct) then don't ignore it.  

🔥🙏🔥

I swear by gut instinct. Its almost like a pyshic ability at this stage. I know if it feels very fucking bad, it probably will be. Definately always follow it <3

 

Sorry you went through that when you started here and what you had to endure. But hey if i may be so bold...LOOK at the strong, confident woman you are now. You take no shit, speak you mind and are admired by a lot in this community. You are full of love for life and understanding and guide many people on here. Very, very admirable after what youve faced also. 

Incase no one told you today, You are amazing! hugs M'Lady! x

[li****]

18 minutes ago, JenniferTP said:

I try. I have mostly surrounded myself with people who support me. 

Its hard to think yourself capable of moving on and not letting it bother you. As you mentioned above, it stays with you, creeping up now and then even after that person has gone. 

--

These 'nice' people can say provoking comments, when confronted label it a 'joke' and get away with it. I get told to 'chill' or 'stop being paranoid'. But how to speak my mind without being labelled absurd for accusing these 'nice' people of said behaviour. This is how they work.

I really hate it when someone uses the term 'paranoid' to describe someone. Usually theyve went through shit and thats why they appear "paranoid". Then, if they see shit again, they excuse themselves as paranoid or someone else does and the cycle repeats. 

My ex had me "paranoid" about cheating to the point i attempted my life (multiple) and ended up in therapy. 4 months later told me it wasnt all in my head. Thats how cruel this thing is and how damaging those words can be to someone. Now, im so outspoken, determined, gobby and loud. I wont let someone do that to me again. If someone who cares for you can push you THAT far, then they deserve no place in your life.

--

Repsect, honesty, patience and understanding as well as full communication and a little compassion is the basics of what makes a good person. I have faith they exist.

Wishing you all the best in your journey Kate! Bigger, brighter things are meant for you. Keep going, youre pretty amazing as i said before <3

❣️❣️ I second everything you say here Jen, my ex was the same with me made me paranoid to the point I couldn't even trust myself let alone him. He cheated on me multiple times even got another girl pregnant!!! 

 

After I left him, I tried to take my life twice and then ended up in therapy, I was scarred for a long time after even up till I met Sir, he had to break down sooooo many walls and my heart was in pieces when we met but he pursued and he was patient with me. I pushed and pushed all because it took me a while to trust him, but I got there in the end. Same with other people's comments towards me etc, I've had people say some very nasty things about me and to me some people think that I don't know what they've been saying but people don't realise that folk talk to each other!!! It use to affect me to the point I'd change to try and make that person change their opinion if me but now I don't let anyone comments towards me get to me anymore, they might make me angry yes, but I don't let comments affect me, if they don't like me that's their problem not mine!! ❤️❤️ 

Edited July 11, 2021 by lil-monster
Added more

[Je****]

10 minutes ago, lil-monster said:

❣️❣️ I second everything you say here Jen, my ex was the same with me made me paranoid to the point I couldn't even trust myself let alone him. He cheated on me multiple times even got another girl pregnant!!! 

 

After I left him, I tried to take my life twice and then ended up in therapy, I was scarred for a long time after even up till I met Sir, he had to break down sooooo many walls and my heart was in pieces when we met but he pursued and he was patient with me. I pushed and pushed all because it took me a while to trust him, but I got there in the end. Same with other people's comments towards me etc, I've had people say some very nasty things about me and to me some people think that I don't know what they've been saying but people don't realise that folk talk to each other!!! It use to affect me to the point I'd change to try and make that person change their opinion if me but now I don't let anyone comments towards me get to me anymore, they might make me angry yes, but I don't let comments affect me, if they don't like me that's their problem not mine!! ❤️❤️ 

Remind me to never be in a room with you talking about stuff.... i feel we will just sob tears into teacups!! <3

---

Its such a hard, difficult thing to face, being with someone for 10yrs, kids along the way and still be met with that behaviour. If someone who loved me that much could do that to me, what about someone who doesnt love me?! The fact i doubted him i was wrecked with doubt and self loathing and it made me so insecure talking to anyone that i doubted everything i came across. Heck even now i text Lau sometimes saying "ive read this, is this a jab at me or am i paranoid." The damage really does stay in the back of your head!

 

Much like you i got away from a bad relationship, came on here, met someone. They broke my walls down and made me feel safe without me even realising it!! That is the only reason i let myself open up because neither of us even tried, it just happened. And i think thats a good thing. Ive had a good year and feel so much better about my road to recovery and now i will stand up for myself no matter who it is. Id be shaming myself if i didnt! 

I am so glad yout found L. You are such an incredible woman and you can see how happy you are, and he speaks very highly of you. Its wonderful to see and when other people see how great relationships on here can form it may give them some reassurance that not everyone is the same, especially if they have faced this trauma in the past. Its the same with anything, the good is always worth the wait <3

Onwards and upwards for all of us. We deserve that happiness xxx

[Deleted Member]

Everyone who has been through this kind of turmoil (much much more than I have experienced) deserves happiness. I always get back much more than I give when I post here 😍 (Although it means the cockwombles come a knocking 🙄😠)

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, JenniferTP said:

I try. I have mostly surrounded myself with people who support me. 

Its hard to think yourself capable of moving on and not letting it bother you. As you mentioned above, it stays with you, creeping up now and then even after that person has gone. 

--

These 'nice' people can say provoking comments, when confronted label it a 'joke' and get away with it. I get told to 'chill' or 'stop being paranoid'. But how to speak my mind without being labelled absurd for accusing these 'nice' people of said behaviour. This is how they work.

I really hate it when someone uses the term 'paranoid' to describe someone. Usually theyve went through shit and thats why they appear "paranoid". Then, if they see shit again, they excuse themselves as paranoid or someone else does and the cycle repeats. 

My ex had me "paranoid" about cheating to the point i attempted my life (multiple) and ended up in therapy. 4 months later told me it wasnt all in my head. Thats how cruel this thing is and how damaging those words can be to someone. Now, im so outspoken, determined, gobby and loud. I wont let someone do that to me again. If someone who cares for you can push you THAT far, then they deserve no place in your life.

--

Repsect, honesty, patience and understanding as well as full communication and a little compassion is the basics of what makes a good person. I have faith they exist.

Wishing you all the best in your journey Kate! Bigger, brighter things are meant for you. Keep going, youre pretty amazing as i said before <3

Thank you for the good wishes, lovely! Xx

[Deleted Member]

On 7/10/2021 at 5:59 PM, lil-monster said:

I also escaped my narcissistic, gaslighting ex. For years I thought I was the one who was in the wrong and the one that had to change I didn't have a clue what was happening till it was too late and he did his worst!!! I was trapped for years it lead to me being ***d mentality, physically and emotionally!!! I was a shell of myself when I finally was able to get free from him. I had no confidence, no trust, no ***. I honestly thought I'd never ever trust any one ever again. I got myself in a cycle of bad relationship after bad relationship and only when I got help from a therapist did I see what was happening. I'm now happy with my Sir @Liam52 he's made me see that not all men and Dom's are dickheads and fake etc!!! There are some good ones out there yeah it's like finding a needle in an haystack but they do exist!!! 

 @lil-monsterI actually feel that I to have been with a narcissist and on two occasions, I just seem to fall into them also. But trying my hardest now to sift through and I await to find a good genuine Dom 😊. Thank you for sharing your past experiences with us, I know you have certainly helped me with many of your writings/posts and messages. You are really strong and really beautiful x

[li****]

3 hours ago, Tay458 said:

 @lil-monsterI actually feel that I to have been with a narcissist and on two occasions, I just seem to fall into them also. But trying my hardest now to sift through and I await to find a good genuine Dom 😊. Thank you for sharing your past experiences with us, I know you have certainly helped me with many of your writings/posts and messages. You are really strong and really beautiful x

Oh my gosh thank you so much 😍 and I'm happy that my posts and writings can help in ways it makes me feel like I'm doing something of worth. 

[Deleted Member]

Sunday at 02:24 PM, Curvykate said:

Everyone who has been through this kind of turmoil (much much more than I have experienced) deserves happiness. I always get back much more than I give when I post here 😍 (Although it means the cockwombles come a knocking 🙄😠)

The key is to believe in yourself again and affirm your positivr thoughts and feelings. Narcs put thinking patterns and gremlins in your head that repeat in their temporary and permanent absence. Reaffirming your beliefs and values that are yours helps to silence the internal criticism

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, Adraug51 said:

The key is to believe in yourself again and affirm your positivr thoughts and feelings. Narcs put thinking patterns and gremlins in your head that repeat in their temporary and permanent absence. Reaffirming your beliefs and values that are yours helps to silence the internal criticism

I guess that can be hard sometimes - because in a relationship with a narc you can lose any sense of who you are. But it's good advice, even if challenging at times to be positive.

[Deleted Member]

44 minutes ago, Curvykate said:

I guess that can be hard sometimes - because in a relationship with a narc you can lose any sense of who you are. But it's good advice, even if challenging at times to be positive.

Balance is key. Stay close to family and friends. Talk to them, tell them what happened, listen to them because they are the foundation of your own reality that you  lost. Be completely honest with them. Even with the dumbest of things you did and let go of the past and try not to treat anybody new as a danger. Have faith. There are far more good people in the world than bad. 

[Deleted Member]

Yesterday at 08:55 PM, Axlsub said:

Balance is key. Stay close to family and friends. Talk to them, tell them what happened, listen to them because they are the foundation of your own reality that you  lost. Be completely honest with them. Even with the dumbest of things you did and let go of the past and try not to treat anybody new as a danger. Have faith. There are far more good people in the world than bad. 

I think Jen touched on this. Sometimes you need to check reality with people you trust. I've asked my family before if I am imagining things.

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, Curvykate said:

I think Jen touched on this. Sometimes you need to check reality with people you trust. I've asked my family before if I am imagining things.

"Is it me?" has got to be the most recurring question. Family and friends will say "no" but it's hard to believe because you already know they will say "no".  There never seems to be anybody believable who could answer it. Except yourself. 

The answer is a resounding "no" but you've spent a lot of heart and soul doing the right things for the right reasons with the wrong person for the greater good. Have faith in yourself because you were strong, committed, worked hard, loyal, loving, with someone who had no value for any of it.  Be proud you tried. Be proud of everything you tried and worked for. Value it. Have faith and strength in all that you did for the right reasons. Then answer it yourself with "no, it was them".  

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, Axlsub said:

"Is it me?" has got to be the most recurring question. Family and friends will say "no" but it's hard to believe because you already know they will say "no".  There never seems to be anybody believable who could answer it. Except yourself. 

The answer is a resounding "no" but you've spent a lot of heart and soul doing the right things for the right reasons with the wrong person for the greater good. Have faith in yourself because you were strong, committed, worked hard, loyal, loving, with someone who had no value for any of it.  Be proud you tried. Be proud of everything you tried and worked for. Value it. Have faith and strength in all that you did for the right reasons. Then answer it yourself with "no, it was them".  

I'm not there yet, more than 3 years later. Closer though! After we split, I would send a message I'd received to family and ask if it was ok that I was upset by it. It took a few years to recognise for myself what was reasonable or not. I found it helpful to reframe it - what motivation does the person have for saying this? Does that match up with their words? That may sound quite basic to someone who's never been gaslighted. Your reality becomes so screwed you don't know if you're "allowed" to be upset by a nasty message.

[Deleted Member]

I posted this a month ago and it's truer than ever today

[Deleted Member]

On 8/12/2021 at 2:19 PM, Curvykate said:

I posted this a month ago and it's truer than ever today

It's never been less true. It'll always be true. 

Sending hugs and willing you to go "no contact". 

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Axlsub said:

It's never been less true. It'll always be true. 

Sending hugs and willing you to go "no contact". 

I can't, I'm afraid. I have to legally be in touch with them. I've limited it as much as I can. Thank you

[Deleted Member]

14 hours ago, Curvykate said:

I can't, I'm afraid. I have to legally be in touch with them. I've limited it as much as I can. Thank you

Damn! 

I'm sure you know, but for others reading, the best tip I can give is...be unattractive, disinterested, nonchalant, emotionless, boring, by avoiding eye contact,  use short sentences like, "maybe", "I'll see", "oh well", "I'll let you know", react to nothing, don't argue, don't agree or disagree, keep your real thoughts and reactions hidden or as limited as possible. Just minimise any contact you have to have. 

They will goad you but they eventually give up trying to feed off your reactions. 

Hope that makes sense. 

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Axlsub said:

Damn! 

I'm sure you know, but for others reading, the best tip I can give is...be unattractive, disinterested, nonchalant, emotionless, boring, by avoiding eye contact,  use short sentences like, "maybe", "I'll see", "oh well", "I'll let you know", react to nothing, don't argue, don't agree or disagree, keep your real thoughts and reactions hidden or as limited as possible. Just minimise any contact you have to have. 

They will goad you but they eventually give up trying to feed off your reactions. 

Hope that makes sense. 

The grey rock technique does work well!

[Deleted Member]

14 hours ago, Curvykate said:

The grey rock technique does work well!

Damn again!!

How did I forget that phrase!?!?!?!?

"Grey rock" folks! Google it 👍😎

 

[Tammy-6579]

On 7/10/2021 at 1:23 PM, skylinegirl said:

Amen to that. I hear you loud and clear, have recently had this exact experience and the thing is I could forgive everything if he was upfront and honest but being lied to and deceived is the worst, we are worthy of the truth

Oh that's horrid I'm very sorry....

[Nozz-7996]

Can so relate to your post. It's such a head f**k