Advice on explaining lifestyle to non fetish person

[Deleted Member]

Folks, I'm just seeking some advice on how to handle an awkward situation.

 

Background: My wife and I were married for 20 years, for the last 10 years we operated an FLR. We think this was very successful as we maintained it longer than some vanilla marriages last these days. She had multiple lovers during this time, mainly two regular guys who I would now consider amongst my closest friends as we all get on so well together. My wife and I split up 2 years ago because she wanted to end the FLR and instead live with one of her lovers. Due to us having kids she had to 'pretend' to move out on her own at first and would then have introduced her lover as her new permanent boyfriend over time. To explain the split to neighbours and friends I was happy for her to put out a story that I wanted to be with a man. I'm thick skinned and don't really care what people think about me. As it happens her lover, my friend, soon realised that he didn't want the responsibility associated with being a parent figure to ***agers etc so instead he has been spending time with me as my temporary master (until lockdown is gone) and she is now seeing her other long term lover. (Yes, it is all damned complex.... funny how these things spiral into complexity)

 

Issue: My neighbour came around yesterday morning in floods of tears to tell me that her husband of 30 years was moving out because she'd found out that he was having an affair with my wife.... Now AFAIK my wife has not seen her husband for 5 years but she has been sent a video showing them together (I haven't seen video but I'm guessing it is one she made to tease me years ago). My neighbour is very definately not a kinky person to my knowledge, has no knowledge of the fetish lifestyle and seems as pure vanilla as you could be. I'm not the most diplomatic of people and tend to blurt stuff out without thinking. In this case I suggested to her that her husband wasn't having an affair, he was just having sex with my wife.... this went down like a lead balloon AND she then picked up on the fact I seemed to know my wife was having sex with her husband.... gulp....  I had to then try and explain our lifestyle and arrangements but that just made things worse as she now blames me for the situation!!!!! AAARRGGHHH (me and my big mouth). 

 

As my wife no longer lives in my village she is getting away with this scot free while I'm now taking the heat. In my opinion this is nothing to do with a fetish issue, rather it is my wife and her husband breaking trusts. Sure, I had no issue with my wife having other lovers BUT I do not approve of her having relations with a married guy without his wife accepting or approving it, especially a close neighbour!, sadly this neighbour now just blames our lifestyle!

 

Has anybody else experienced this and how do you explain your lifestyle to a vanilla person? Am I wrong to think sex is different to love? All thoughts most appreciated.

 

edit: I had zero idea my wife was seeing her husband. For whatever reason, I had never seen this video and I am as surprised as she is. I certainly don't condone my wifes behaviour. I didn't have knowledge of who my wife was seeing, in some cases she would tease me by getting dressed in sexy underwear, scented baths and spending ages putting make up on etc so I knew she was going on a date but I had no idea who with. How on earth I'm to blame for this is beyond me!

Edited July 18, 2021 by Deleted Member

[ey****]

I think there's often a lot where lines of consent and understanding get blurred

I feel one of the challenges with cuckold is that what is usually offered to the bull is "you can fuck me" - and that's usually about it.  While lots of guys like that there's a lot that... a lot of temporary/NSA/casual relationships can fall apart when one person wants some form of exclusivity, regularity, commitment - and that can very much be the guy

And I think sometimes a woman who is effectively saying "I'm going to fuck you, but that's all I can really offer - I have a husband and part the point is he knows I'm being unfaithful - so this is on my time, my demands, for our relationship" and that can limit the amount of guys that actually like that

So, yeah, it can potentially be appealing to someone who is going to be unfaithful to their partner.  And that can be problem.  It could be really hot it's with someone you know.... but then... when this is behind their wife's back - their wife didn't consent to this set up.

 

I think being on the spot it's easy to not say the right things.   

The thing is though - there is zero explanation you can give your neighbour that's going to make people shrug and say "ah, ok" - the best you have is that your wife was encouraged to have sex with other men - however - she was not encouraged to go after married men, and certainly you had no idea she was having sex with him - which defeats what your dynamic was even about 

[Du****]

As Eyem says, your lifestyle is actually a moot point here. The husband’s infidelity was not part of the deal and you are in no way responsible for it. The wife, however, is unlikely to be able to comprehend that.

I hope very much that you have support around you, whether in your community or within this one.

[Deleted Member]

Thank you @eyemblacksheep and @DuchessFeuille you have echoed my own thoughts. 

This situation is not a result of our 'fetish' lifestyle IMHO, just a poor decision by my wife and my neighbours husband that could happen (and I'm sure does) in any vanilla relationship.

Sadly, it still leaves me in a damned awkward situation!

 

 

Edited July 18, 2021 by Deleted Member

[ey****]

I guess perhaps if you did have a coffee with your neighbour

pointing out consent and boundaries

and that you certainly didn't consent to her having sex with married men, especially not her husband 

[Th****]

Hi Loving
I am normally diplomatic but when it comes to judgemental vanillas I am quite the opposite.

You were on the spot, at that moment it is not easy for anyone to pick the right words. You are just getting the blow back because no one else is there to get it.

At that point I would go on the offensive (clearly defensive is not working and rational explanation will go straight over your vanillas head.) and remind her it was her husband that fucked your wife as well, clearly he was not getting what he needed at home. I doubt your wife had to seduce him and maybe rather than getting upset at you she may want to come out of denial and consider who else he has been seeking solace with.

Now I grant you it is a bit brutal but it is honest and it will probably you some much needed peace. As she is less likely to try and make your life a misery if she knows you will give as good as you get.

Stay strong my friend 😊

[Deleted Member]

8 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I guess perhaps if you did have a coffee with your neighbour

pointing out consent and boundaries

and that you certainly didn't consent to her having sex with married men, especially not her husband 

Thank  you, sadly I *** she is never going to speak to me again. :-( 

 

With hindsight I was a bit blunt.... but hell, in my world sex is entirely different to love. I suspect there is more wrong with their relationship than her husband fucking my wife. I love my wife and she still loves me despite her having sex with loads of guys over the years. Sadly my neghbour doesn't seem to be able to see that difference and has kicked out her husband over something that happened years ago. I'm partly suspecting that this is not his only indescretion....

Edited July 18, 2021 by Deleted Member

[Deleted Member]

4 minutes ago, Thebian said:

Hi Loving
I am normally diplomatic but when it comes to judgemental vanillas I am quite the opposite.

You were on the spot, at that moment it is not easy for anyone to pick the right words. You are just getting the blow back because no one else is there to get it.

At that point I would go on the offensive (clearly defensive is not working and rational explanation will go straight over your vanillas head.) and remind her it was her husband that fucked your wife as well, clearly he was not getting what he needed at home. I doubt your wife had to seduce him and maybe rather than getting upset at you she may want to come out of denial and consider who else he has been seeking solace with.

Now I grant you it is a bit brutal but it is honest and it will probably you some much needed peace. As she is less likely to try and make your life a misery if she knows you will give as good as you get.

Stay strong my friend 😊

Thank you!

 

Agree entirely, see response above where I suspect same as you suggest that things were probably not right in the relationship regardless of my wifes interference in it.

Edited July 18, 2021 by Deleted Member

[Deleted Member]

update: I have just spoken to my wife and she can't even remember videoing the encounters but said if she did it would have been on her phone which means he downloaded the video from her phone to his laptop while she slept. She confirms this was nearly a decade ago!!!

 

I'm not exactly in a good mood with her, this broke several of our golden rules of the FLR. It comes just weeks after finding that she went dogging with complete strangers in 2019 and had unprotected sex and failed to tell me or her long term lover who is also now totally P'd off with her.

 

Rules are there for everyones safety and to disregard the rules is unnacceptable IMHO. It is why I was so annoyed with the young women I met last weekend who tried to ignore my safe word. eg. I have kids and also have to do web calls with my boss daily so I very specifically said no marks on my face or neck.... she tried to put love bites on my neck which would be clearly visible. Sure, not a huge breaking of rules or *** as such but was annoying to me!

 

 

Edited July 18, 2021 by Deleted Member

[Deleted Member]

PS. If anybody wants to know what my wife and my current master look like, see the video on youtube called 'barrels of whiskey' by the O'Reillys and paddyhats. My wife, although naturally a brunette did at one point have her hair dyed red and looked the spitting image of the girl at the start of that video, even down to the clothes. My current Master (and her lover of 20 years) is the spitting image of the lead singer in the cap and leather waistcoat.

As an aside, it is a fantastic bit of music and one of my favourites. 😀

I used to look like the drummer.... about 30 years ago... before I went grey and haggared after having raised three daughters..... 😁

Edited July 18, 2021 by Deleted Member

[UK****]

18 hours ago, LovingSub999 said:

Has anybody else experienced this and how do you explain your lifestyle to a vanilla person? Am I wrong to think sex is different to love? All thoughts most appreciated.

Hindsight is easy, however I don't think you should have tried to explain your lifestyle to her.  Certainly at that time she was not really in a position to try and understand it but was confronted by the realisation of her breakdown and his infidelity.  You are not wrong to think that sex and love can be different, however just because you do, doesn't mean that others and in particular her at that moment would feel similar.

At the time and probably since, it would have been best to just offer her a cup of tea, sympathy and an ear to listen.

[Deleted Member]

11 hours ago, UK_Knight said:

Hindsight is easy, however I don't think you should have tried to explain your lifestyle to her.  Certainly at that time she was not really in a position to try and understand it but was confronted by the realisation of her breakdown and his infidelity.  You are not wrong to think that sex and love can be different, however just because you do, doesn't mean that others and in particular her at that moment would feel similar.

At the time and probably since, it would have been best to just offer her a cup of tea, sympathy and an ear to listen.

Thank you, yes, agreed, in hindsight I would have probably bit my tongue and handled things differently... 

Although I doubt a cup of tea would suffice... she would probably have calmed down alot more with a few large scotches 😁

[Deleted Member]

I have actually spoken to my neighbour today, she hasn't completely cut me off which is good news. She isn't exactly happy with me either but I think she is starting to realise that her husbands actions were not to blame on our lifestyle.  

She also confirmed he is seeing (and has moved in with) somebody else at the moment (not my wife) which confirms what we suspected. 

My wife also says she is 100% certain she never videoed her meetings with him which means he videoed them himself without telling her - the dangers of modern relationships, technology so advanced that cameras can be hidden so easily - as Matt Hancock will confirm... 😉

Edited July 19, 2021 by Deleted Member

[Cu****]

Perhaps keep lifestyle out of it altogether.

You and your ex are apart now, and the only thing you could do is 'commiserate' with the neighbour about 'unfaithful' ex spouses and leave it at that.

[Deleted Member]

Just a quick followup for all those that replied.

I have now spoken to my neighbour at length, we are able to talk about things and she has confirmed what we all thought, the guy had several affairs and in fact the woman he is currently living with is not my wife. So she accepts that both me and her are the victims here. We had a lovely evening chatting, drinking wine and moaning about our relationships.... 😁

She was fascinated by my relationships and by the end of the evening was much more open to accepting and understanding the lifestyle. She even said she would read through this site as she wanted to know more, she had no idea this 'world' existed.  

So thank you for your replies and thankfully in this case we have a semi-positive outcome. Still very sad that their has fallen apart after so many years due to her husbands affairs and lies but she now realises that she may be in some small way to blame as she admits she refused to consider anything kinky that her husband proposed over the years and she was very, very vanilla. She even admitted that their sex life consisted of one night a week, all pre-arranged, set times and was always in the bedroom.... no wonder she was so horrified at my lifestyle!

edit: she actually said that in 30 years of she had never had anal sex because she thought it was disgusting and rarely performed oral sex on her husband because she thought that was disgusting too! I honestly thought I understand exactly why her husband had the affairs - so difficult to be sympathetic and understanding and caring to her when my brain is screaming that I don't blame him. Sorry. Bad thoughts. But seriously? I know she is in her late 50's but her sex life sounds like something from the 18th century!

 

Edited August 15, 2021 by Deleted Member

[Deleted Member]

er, why is the word M A R R I A G E deleted from my posts? How is that possibly a bad word?

[Deleted Member]

I will be honest, and say I no longer bother to attempt to explain the Life to those outside of it. Nine times out of ten it is just idle curiosity, a titillation for them, and I am not here to amuse them. If, by chance, they show a genuine interest then I will point them in various directions for things to read and absorb. If they get past that, and still wish to know, only then will I tell them about my philosophy regarding our world and how they may become involved.

[JacquelynVelvets]

Them: "Why do you like this?"

Me: "I don't know, Brenda, why do you like Butter Pecan Ice cream?"

[aqvilla]

No reason why you have to explain yourself. If people don't like it, then that's their problem.

[Ma****]

It all sounded "complicated" and trying to "explain" that something's are liked by some people and not others, as my wife is very vanilla, she says I'm just weird, so I've kept quiet about spanking, bondage, etc, so I've made friends on here, just to chat , I've just about stayed faithful, it is very difficult at times, so I get your frustration with your neighbour, but the good thing is she has now listened, and hopefully doesn't blame you,