New to D/s - looking for suggestions

[d_arty]

Hello all. This is my first post on this site, and I’m hoping to get some friendly suggestions as my partner and I are having some challenges at the moment.

First, some background:

My partner and I were acquaintances for a few years before we realized we had feelings for each other. He told me early on that he was submissive and caught dominant vibes from me which, until that moment, I had not realized this myself, though I definitely agree. Before now, neither of us had been in a full-time D/s relationship. And it is long distance, so our physical time together is limited. 

We recently argued about what it means to be dominant. He tells me that what he wants doesn’t matter, only what I want. But sometimes I want to hear him ask, to tell me what he wants. To me, my dominance in that situation is what I do (or do not) with the information provided. But he says it’s a turn off. “You shouldn’t ask my what I want” doesn’t feel submissive to me. It feels like he has an idea (and has had years longer to think about it) of what he wants in a mistress, and isn’t hearing me. And I’m still learning about what I want and how to express that, especially after having been in some very traumatic relationships previously.

We really want to make this work. It’ll still be a couple of years before we can be together full-time and would really love be some advice.

it’s hard to learn and grow into this kind of relationship when we are separated and I’m still recovering from trauma and in therapy and getting to really know myself!

Thanks for reading.

Arty

 

[typhoon2]

Both of you should write lists of what aspects of BDSM and general intimate life are relevant to you. Categorise them as 'No' - hard limits that you wish to avoid; 'Maybe' - soft limits, things that you won't rule out or perhaps haven't really thought about in detail, and 'Yes' - things that you want to enjoy on a regular or irreguiar basis. Once completed, compare notes. If both of you have something in the 'Yes' column then that's a green light to indulge. He can play knowing that you enjoy it, while you won't feel guilty at imposing yourself selfishly.

[Wo****]

Generally, not always of course, submissives have choices, desires.

Slaves don't.

 

Does he want to be more of a slave than a submissive?

How much control do you want?

 

Talk to him 🙏

[Wi****]

Hi d,arty

As a Dominant your not a mind reader you sub needs to communicate with talk to him about what he likes, desires, what you like, what you both hope to get out of the dynamic. There maybe things your sub desires that your uncomfortable with in which case you need to set limits the same applies for you in that there maybe things you like your sub is uncomfortable with. 

It's a journey you grow and learn and evolve. 

Both typhoon and bountys advice are great. 

[bi****]

Your problem is a simple one - he doesn't want to make any decisions and wants you to be in charge. Its a typical fantasy. Its not real though, in the real world we have to live normal lives and that means communication as to what you bvoth like and want needs to be talked about.

Its hard for a fantasy sub to say this though, so you're going to have to either find out what he likes, or just do what you like and wait for him to tell you that's not his preference. There are many ways to find out his preferences without being explicitly told. Although it can be fun to try some interrogation play - keep going until he htells you his top 5 list of kinks for example. Another way is to acquire his passwords to porn site, then look through his browsing history (you can demand them, you're the domme, and restrict access by changing it for a while if he's been bad too), read his profile - and if its not up to scratch, make him update it. Give him a minimum word count and tell him to get on with it without whining or excuses.

But I think he really wants you to provide him with his kink by reading his mind., It shouldn;t be like that, start this process with what you like and want, what makes youu comfortable. Do not be a "service sub" providing kink domination, do it your way, and make it clear to him that this is exactly the way its going to be. And he can't complain because this is how he wants to to be too.

So it is time for you to be brave and get some confidence going, once you start, I think you'll find it goes very well. Test him, be demanding, make sure he has simple rules to follow and basically take control of the situation. Treat him like an unruly dog that needs training.

[Phoenyx]

It may be as simple as ordering him to confess his greatest fantasy.  Worth a try.

Edited August 1, 2021 by Phoenyx

[MartynMentor]

Hello Arty, I'm a fellow Dom of over 35yrs experience and I completely hear you. I've been in your 'shoes', many a time. As I'm guessing you don't possess 'mind reading' super powers this is how I get past this situation. Firstly your the Dom, you call the shots ALWAYS within 's/D time'. I ensure regular 'check in's' giving my sub a space to give me honest feedback of how she (he in your case) feels about our relationship. I make it 'non optional' but to ensure the maximum quality and honest feed back I time it directly after a physical session and towards the conclusion of aftercare. I always make it alot more pallet-able but dolling out a list of punishment's that the sub will be given in the near future for what ever reasons I give. It is very important to remember, in my experience anyway the power over a sub is a gift that as a Dom need to act as your entitlement, mental control over your sub is key. So calling the check-in ANYTHING but check in is advisable. I have hundreds of suggestions of tasks he can preform to keep the long distance Domination alive eg have him go to supermarket and 20 medium to large fingers of fresh ginger. Don't tell him why, always insist of photographic proof of everything he's told to do. Later have him ***l one finger and insert anally. It will burn soft tissue of rectum intensely without causing physical damage for about 45mins to an hour and a half. A great task for when you know they have company whom are unaware of his submissive tendencies. Allow removal after an hour or so. Then ten minutes later and out of the blue make him do it again !! When disaplinnary actions are given I find an explanation of the reasons for punishment, an admission by them of their guilt and acception of what ever actions you feel necessary to redeem them self. After conclusion of the disaplinnary action (remotely or not) a full appolgy by him to you (acceptance by you is optional), when you do accept verbal praise and a well done having pleased you and a reminder that his soul purpose is to please and pleasure you I'd also recommend. If you wish any further advise/ pointers/ suggestions etc. I'm more than happy to give. Send me a private message on my profile so he can't read them and I'm happy than happy to share. Kindest regards MartynMentor x good luck ❤️

[ey****]

one of the problems is some subs and slaves get caught too much in the fantasy side of things - or - struggle to communicate.

There's all this tying in knots about how.... if they ask for it then you're doing it because they want you to not because you want to - or - that again, perhaps as suggested the want to dump responsibility onto you.

What a lot of these people do not realise is they are making things HARDER for their Dominant when they are *supposed* to be making life easier.

So, this is part of the conversation you may need to have with him - that he needs to communicate.  That if you do something you *think* he wants and neither of you enjoy it then you're heading down a pointless road.

Subs need to understand this is labour, this is creating more work for the Dominant as they have to guess what they want or coax information out.   If he cannot communicate likes, dislikes, limits, suggestions, stuff he'd like to explore, or try - then this isn't going to work

you can assert your Dominance by saying whatever he requests YOU will have the final word YOU will decide if he can do it or has to earn it.  YOU get to say what goes ! But he needs to give you at least a frame work

[mo****]

I feel like I should be saying "My name is moi and I'm a fantasist and a shit submissive"

Its not like I don't know what I want sexually but the sub part of me overrides all that and I'm left with this overwhelming need to please my Master.  That's what gets me off and if he were to ask me during play what I wanted the only thing in my mind would be his pleasure, for him to enjoy, nothing else matters. Its not as easy to turn that off as Dom's seem to think.

Your post implies that you're trying to jump straight from slight friendship to a 24/7 D/s relationship.  This would be hard enough to do at the best of times but you're also trying to do it mainly online!

@typhoon2 has the best suggestion, write lists - what you like/dislike, limits, what your curious about, toys you like or would like to try, share porn - it's not the 1st time my Master has sent me something he likes and while watching it we see something else that  piques our imagination.  And always experiment, 10yrs down the line and we're still finding new things to try!