A question of dominance?

[Re****]

I wish to thank all of you for your interesting replies to my initial post.
Truth is it was a real sinario that broke my 6 year relationship as it was deemed a dominant act.
Previously my princess could do this as a dominant act to others but always took the stance that the one she is with its a clear black and white. I was dom she was sub and that was final.
Like I said it ended a 6 year relationship.
Thanks all once again for your thoughts on this and giving me a little piece of mind

[SexxyMoeFoe]

I think this is an interesting question and brings up something about d/s which I have issue with and is a turn off for me.  To give some context I an into kinks and fetishes but not interested in bdsm. I used to enjoy it but I found too many were very "stuck" to the idea that certain acts were inherently dominant or submissive. For many in "the lifestyle" things are VERY black and white. I am fluid and changeable.  I might feel like taking charge one min and being led the next. Strict roles and rules don't mesh with me. (I don't mean limits or safe-words. Those are always adhered to)

For instance a dom friend once told me he would never try receiving anal because he was dominant and that was a submissive act. When in reality it's just anal sex. Without even trying something he dismissed it. Something that he might have enjoyed and could have given him a lot of pleasure. Being a bottom or a top is not the same being a dom or a sub. That's like saying a Domme shouldn't do missionary because she's on the bottom and being penetrated. Makes no sense to me.

I think the bsdm community has "assigned" different acts to different roles - because they enjoy it that way or they think it seems 'natural" - when the act really isn't either dominant or submissive. I was chatting with someone on this site who assumed I was a sub because one of my kinks was rope bunny. Being a rope bottom doesn't make me submissive. Particularly for something like Shibari which is mostly artistic (at least that's the draw for me). But I guess because I was the one being tied I was seen as submissive. 

Think about it this way - when you go to work, you have a manager. You are a bottom. You might also be a manager and have direct reports.  That would make you a top as well. BUT that doesn't mean you are submissive to your manager or a dominant to your team. You could very well be more dominant that your manager or manage someone more dominant than you are.

I think this black and white thinking does the whole community a disservice, and personally turned me off to bdsm, it's roles and the associated rules.

ALL that to say that I think the sub should have considered the request and determine if she would do it purely on the basis on whether or not she, or the dom, would enjoy it vs not considering it because she though it was a dominant act. (I understand that her thinking it is a dominant act could cause her not to enjoy it, but that's the kind of thinking I think is too black and white)  

Edited August 22, 2021 by SexxyMoeFoe
Typo

[Deleted Member]

11 hours ago, SexxyMoeFoe said:

I think this is an interesting question and brings up something about d/s which I have issue with and is a turn off for me.  To give some context I an into kinks and fetishes but not interested in bdsm. I used to enjoy it but I found too many were very "stuck" to the idea that certain acts were inherently dominant or submissive. For many in "the lifestyle" things are VERY black and white. I am fluid and changeable.  I might feel like taking charge one min and being led the next. Strict roles and rules don't mesh with me. (I don't mean limits or safe-words. Those are always adhered to)

For instance a dom friend once told me he would never try receiving anal because he was dominant and that was a submissive act. When in reality it's just anal sex. Without even trying something he dismissed it. Something that he might have enjoyed and could have given him a lot of pleasure. Being a bottom or a top is not the same being a dom or a sub. That's like saying a Domme shouldn't do missionary because she's on the bottom and being penetrated. Makes no sense to me.

I think the bsdm community has "assigned" different acts to different roles - because they enjoy it that way or they think it seems 'natural" - when the act really isn't either dominant or submissive. I was chatting with someone on this site who assumed I was a sub because one of my kinks was rope bunny. Being a rope bottom doesn't make me submissive. Particularly for something like Shibari which is mostly artistic (at least that's the draw for me). But I guess because I was the one being tied I was seen as submissive. 

Think about it this way - when you go to work, you have a manager. You are a bottom. You might also be a manager and have direct reports.  That would make you a top as well. BUT that doesn't mean you are submissive to your manager or a dominant to your team. You could very well be more dominant that your manager or manage someone more dominant than you are.

I think this black and white thinking does the whole community a disservice, and personally turned me off to bdsm, it's roles and the associated rules.

ALL that to say that I think the sub should have considered the request and determine if she would do it purely on the basis on whether or not she, or the dom, would enjoy it vs not considering it because she though it was a dominant act. (I understand that her thinking it is a dominant act could cause her not to enjoy it, but that's the kind of thinking I think is too black and white)  

Personally I don't tend to relate well to those who are keen on rules and labels, like you. Nor do they like me much, I suspect! So I agree with you in part, but that's our preference. Just as it's others' preference to enjoy high protocol or rules or whatever we term it. Their choice. Calling it black and white thinking is judging their choice somewhat, I feel.

[SexxyMoeFoe]

12 hours ago, Curvykate said:

Personally I don't tend to relate well to those who are keen on rules and labels, like you. Nor do they like me much, I suspect! So I agree with you in part, but that's our preference. Just as it's others' preference to enjoy high protocol or rules or whatever we term it. Their choice. Calling it black and white thinking is judging their choice somewhat, I feel.

Definitely not judging.  I am not saying it's wrong or right. Just that some believe some acts are either dominant or submissive and there doesn't seem to be a grey area. I know this is not everyone. But I do think this kind of perspective causes the "issues" like in the OP. Saying it's not for me isn't saying it's not for everyone. Also, I wasn't even talking about the protocols... more about assigning a dominant or submissive quality to random acts.  

Of course (which I didn't say earlier and I guess I should have), if everyone in the relationship is on board with that and feels the same way, it's great and everyone is happy... but since that wasn't the case with the OP I didn't mention say that before.

[Deleted Member]

On 8/17/2021 at 1:15 AM, sitonmyface2020 said:

I wish to thank all of you for your interesting replies to my initial post.
Truth is it was a real sinario that broke my 6 year relationship as it was deemed a dominant act.
Previously my princess could do this as a dominant act to others but always took the stance that the one she is with its a clear black and white. I was dom she was sub and that was final.
Like I said it ended a 6 year relationship.
Thanks all once again for your thoughts on this and giving me a little piece of mind

 

Edited September 28, 2021 by Deleted Member