The Toy that Wants More

[softrayne]

So this gentleman and I have been chatting for about 2 months now. He has many wonderful qualities and has really opened my eyes about a lot of things regarding the Lifestyle and my submission in particular. He is an Old School style, quality Dominant.
Things started out ok, but for the past 6 weeks or so every time we chat, he wants to discuss “scenes” or “kink” or turns the conversation to cyber sex. I go along……because I feel like I’m “supposed to”. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun and I like it, but I’m getting the impression that all he wants is the fun, naughty girl, submissive. It seems like he sees me as a fuck toy, which is fine, I WANT to be a fuck toy for my Dominant, that is a given, but I also need him to see me as more than that. I want him to see the whole of me. The me as a person. The parts that get sad, or need reassurance, the part of me that has problems or needs emotional support.
Maybe it's too soon, or maybe I want too much, or maybe he doesn't see me that way. But I would have hoped he could have offered me a bit more support than I'm currently getting. It would be nice to get a "hey, how can I help?" or "how are you doing REALLY?"
I am going through some major upheavals in my life right now, which he knows about, but it has caused a delay in our actual face to face meeting, which probably won’t be for another 6 weeks. I am hoping that once we meet things will develop into something more.
I’m afraid if I mention needing more from him, it will come off as needy or wanting more than he's willing to give at this time. How can I go to him and give him all of me, when he obviously doesn't WANT all of me, it seems he only wants the fun parts?
I understand that kink compatibility and sexual compatibility play a big part of this Lifestyle, and while they are important to me I need compatibility outside of the bedroom as well. Do I stay and hope things change once we meet? Do I go to him and express my feelings? Do I accept that I just may be a good time girl to him? I like him, and we seem to be a good match so I would hate to nip something in the bud that may very well turn out to be everything I ever wanted. Or, it may not be.

[Maverick-86]

Tell him how you feel, he should take in consideration your needs not just as a toy but a woman, a human being, no harm in asking beautiful xc

[Cu****]

He needs to consider the whole you, not just the holey you.

 

He needs to capture your mind. If he doesnt meet those needs yet, then you should let him know. My Sir says men are not mindreaders, they want to be told.

[Mo****]

16 minutes ago, Curvygirl1 said:

He needs to consider the whole you, not just the holey you.

 

He needs to capture your mind. If he doesnt meet those needs yet, then you should let him know. My Sir says men are not mindreaders, they want to be told.

Curvy you are right in that he needs to consider the whole you, not just the hole you, and you are right, he needs to capture the mind.  How many times have we seen in profiles the words, "Capture my mind and the body will follow".  All true I might add. The unfortunate thing though is that a lot of dominants don't like being told, because they think they already know.  These guys are not following the Old School methodology and they believe because they call themselves 'dominants', they must be, and whoa betide anyone that casts dispersions upon that fact.  Only Soft Rayne can tell us if this particular gentleman would handle being told.  Your Sir, Curvy, is in deed right, men are not mind readers, especially if they don't take the time and make the effort to get to know the submissive, and these guys do need to be told.   

[Deviant_Ric]

Please don’t settle for less than you need and deserve. You are embarking on the creation of a relationship together, first and foremost, and the fact that it is potentially a D/s relationship just adds additional layers of complexity. You have every right to have your own needs met and he deserves to get the authentic version of you; if those basic needs cannot be met, then it is not a healthy relationship.
Be open and honest; it’s the most surefire way to test his authenticity.

Just my view. I am not a trained counsellor, but I have encountered similar situations.
Good luck and please don’t settle for anything less than you deserve.

[ey****]

one of the problems - and this is something not limited to Dominants or subs or anything - is there are folk who are blinkered towards the D/s - that, they only see the other person or perspective person as the role (or fetish, or fantasy) and have very little interest in the person beyond that.

I'm not saying this can't work - but what you kinda get is someone who then only speaks to you when they're bored and want to role play, or when you do want to, y'know, chat - they again want to turn it back to role play

The problem as you say is you will have bad days and good days - and there'll also be new needs and challenges that the relationship throws up and feeling like they're not there to talk through with

Also a little, that if they only ever see you as a toy, or plaything, or fantasy, then they put you down when bored and move onto the next one.

So....

It's clear you're not happy with the current direction and continuing down the current path things are not going to get better.   I won't say the immediate step is to end the dynamic, but certainly to express what you want from the dynamic - what you need from him.  And if he is willing to make and maintain the required changes this is something that can grow healthily - and - if he's not, well, someone else down the line will be more suitable for you.

 

[Deleted Member]

I would urge you to do the thing that I didn't do when I started out a few years ago. Trust your instincts. What stood out from your post is that - you haven't actually met him yet and it feels like this. This is the time to develop a strong bond, to get to know each other. So the dynamic will be good for both of you. Does he actually want the same thing you want? If he says he wants a relationship but his behaviour says otherwise - I guess you (sadly) have your answer. What he does needs to match up to what he says.

[Carnelian2]

I may have missed what made you think that he is only interested in a play-thing, or how you have communicated your needs beyond kink to him as in the good and bad days.
I am saying this as some of us men are not that intuitive, so we don't know unless we are told. This does not make us complete devoid of emotions nor does it make us uninterested in the other person.
It just makes us bad at expressing that side of ourselves.
From my perspective, I see absolutely nothing wrong in someone, I wish to spend time with, expressing her wants, needs and feelings also if something is amiss.
Any relationship is about balance and one person feeling comfortable with the other. Communication is an essential part of this.

Maybe consider if or how you have given him the cues that would be needed for him to show the interest you desire. Maybe the message has not been clear enough?
If you have, well, two options remain; ask him directly or walk away. At the end of the day, you have to be true to your own values. Otherwise, you are just short-selling yourself, which is neither to your benefit or the person you
wish to spend time with.

 

[Ae****]

Being free to be who you are is liberating. Just in general. One day maybe you can comfortably be open about things like neediness - and the reaction from whoever you're showing your neediness to will tell you immediately if they are on your wavelength. Either way, you get to move on with your life - into a relationship with a good match, or away from a waste of time. Also, nice post title!

[softrayne]

Good evening everyone,

I would just like to take this opportunity to extend my heartfelt thanks and gratitude to everyone who took time out of their day to reply to my post. It really is wonderful to be a part of a community where support and kind words are so freely given.

I would like to add that I spent all day yesterday (and boy did my work productivity suffer *L*) chatting with the gentleman in question.  He made Himself available and we had an overdue, but enlightening and at times difficult conversation.  I learned things, He learned things and our communication was open and honest.  It worked-imagine that!! *L*  I shall spare you all the particulars, but suffice it to say, I am cautiously optimistic at this time.

Thank you all again, take care, and stay safe,

rayne