Is this normal

[Pandora215]

Hello all, while I’m not new to being submissive, I’m new to seeking a Dom. First, let me start with I’m married. Please, no lectures, I cannot leave; my spouse won’t let me. I won’t go into detail on here other than to say I tried everything and my only chance at any happiness is looking outside my . So please don’t judge me; I’m in hell as it is. That said, I met a man who said all the right things and made me feel confident in his abilities as a Dom. He took me on as his sub and things were going ok. When we first met (about a month ago), I asked for his last name. He didn’t give it; and instead told me he’d give it after 5 meetings. I was hesitant because of this, but let it go because of his situation. In concern for my safety (sociopaths say all the right things to their victims), I searched him online. I was solely searching his identity and to make sure he wasn’t a felon or anything. I believe in honesty so I told him that I looked into him, and I gave him my reasons why. Long story short, he was ***ed, and without any explanation other than I put his career and family in jeopardy, he released me. Certainly, I know you listen to your Dom and you trust their judgment to keep you safe; I disobeyed. But I feel my reasons; even if they merited punishment, didn’t merit release. Can anyone with real life experience tell me if this sounds ok?

[Nicky898]

It’s isn’t ok, red flag for me, regardless of someone being a Dom or a sub, you need to know who someone is, he is still a person and your safety matters. People are people first. If this was one of your friends asking advise on dating and she told you that , what advise would you give her . I totally understand tho we all get in the rush of things and excited , I’ve done it myself and not seen red flags and not seen the reality of situations. I think it’s all a learning curve, what you’ve learnt now, you’ll remember when you want to look again for someone compatible for you . Hope this helps, want to chat you can always message me if I can help 😁

[Deleted Member]

Your actions were completely justified and definitely didn't warrant release that was egotistical and childish on his part and I am sorry you had to endure that. 

[Silenthunter]

I would have said red flags waving too, usually those that meet, without giving all the details etc, usually are cheating and denying it, full disclosure is always better, but things are what they are. 

[Pandora215]

Thank you everyone. Although I’ve known for many years that I’m submissive and I need to free that person to thrive, I have very limited real life experience, so I’m always worried that I have done something wrong. I want to find a Dom that nurtures my submissiveness, and I’m willing to endure much, but I feel like trust (on both ends) is crucial for this. I have a hard time being so honest and getting nothing in return, but I also know that being married myself (again, my reasons are my own), I am going to have a hard time finding a positive D/s experience. Because of my situation, I question myself and whether I have any right to see red flags. I appreciate the honest (non-judgmental) feedback.

[qu****]

Don't worry pandora you've done nothing wrong, knowing what you want as a sub is very important, so try to relax about it 🤗

[ey****]

If someone is angry you did some basic vetting into them then they're definitely worth avoiding

[Deleted Member]

Totally disagree with the others. He told you he will give you his name after 5 meetings. You should have wait and the fact you didn’t show you didnt trust him and that’s a big deal for a Dom. Searching someone online is kind of creepy, if Dom do the same women will be horrified as it’s kind of privacy breach.
I gave my name to a sub long time ago when I started and she post weird messages in my Facebook page about our kinky sessions. Family and friends asked me who’s that weirdo… so let’s put things into perspective before shooting the Dom down!

Edited August 19, 2021 by Deleted Member
Misspelled

[Britguy_69]

It's a bit of a balancing act to be honest Pandora. It's understandable from his point not to want someone new to have that information, but also I can understand why you would want to research and keep yourself safe.

The Facebook comment isn't helpful imo because there are privacy and security settings available for you to use to stop strangers making comments and posts. It's not difficult.

What I think you should have done is try to facilitate a meeting with him in a public domain (ask to go for a coffee or something) and just lay out your concerns in person. It's all too easy to do everything via our phones and computers these days, but if you had spoken to him in person, he could have allayed your ***s and reassured you. Like, it doesn't sound like he was completely against the idea of sharing that information, but the trust goes both ways and as a Dom you have to trust your sub just as much.

Hope this helps and I hope you find something that works for you better in future. B

[Deleted Member]

11 minutes ago, Britguy_69 said:

The Facebook comment isn't helpful imo because there are privacy and security settings available for you to use to stop strangers making comments and posts. It's not difficult.

What I think you should have done is try to facilitate a meeting with him in a public domain (ask to go for a coffee or something) and just lay out your concerns in person. It's all too easy to do everything via our phones and computers these days, but if you had spoken to him in person, he could have allayed your ***s and reassured you. Like, it doesn't sound like he was completely against the idea of sharing that information, but the trust goes both ways and as a Dom you have 

Facebook page was an example of many other social media with the name on. Amd also professional page such as LinkedIn etc.. Instagram… last thing you want is over inflated person posting comments 

she already met him in person btw…. 

[Deleted Member]

This is not okay, at all! Can’t actually believe there are people that think it is. For safety reasons you have a right to know who you’re meeting. Becareful sweet 💙 also nobody has the right to judge your relationship 💙 hope you’re ok!

[Deleted Member]

24 minutes ago, FabSeverus said:

Facebook page was an example of many other social media with the name on. Amd also professional page such as LinkedIn etc.. Instagram… last thing you want is over inflated person posting comments 

she already met him in person btw…. 

You can’t comment on private profiles, so maybe if the Dom in question doesn’t want the sub posting anything, they just don’t accept them. I think it’s perfectly acceptable for a sub to want to know about the Dom she’s meeting. Looks like he’s hiding something from my POV tbh.

[Matttster]

You need to seek a Dom as you would any relationship and any relationship takes time. There should be trust and respect (from all parties involved) prior to a submissive gifting their submittance. As in any relationship there the parties should not only be honest but open and communicate.

So he should have been more open and honest. But you should not have submitted until you really knew and trusted him. Based on what you said, you should move on and find someone who is ready to build a true relationship rather than expect you to comply with his wishes and trust him.

I read your profile and if you need someone to talk to, feel free to pm me. I am not looking for a submissive, but am always open to friends and am decent listener. If that sounds like a “typical line” or you have others to talk to, no worries.

[Mz****]

1 hour ago, FabSeverus said:

Totally disagree with the others. He told you he will give you his name after 5 meetings. You should have wait and the fact you didn’t show you didnt trust him and that’s a big deal for a Dom. Searching someone online is kind of creepy, if Dom do the same women will be horrified as it’s kind of privacy breach.
I gave my name to a sub long time ago when I started and she post weird messages in my Facebook page about our kinky sessions. Family and friends asked me who’s that weirdo… so let’s put things into perspective before shooting the Dom down!

I respectfully disagree..if he can't trust her with his name why on earth should she trust him with her body, or indeed her mind and submission..in my opinion, and obviously only going by the information shared in this post by the OP he is untrustworthy and has things he's hiding, A/anyone in their right mind does some sort of research into who they're meeting, doubly so when someone's being shady about their identity.

[qu****]

The fact you're looking for a BDSM/kink relationship makes it more important to know who the person you're seeing is, should you have held back till knowing who he was, yes, but hey, we all make mistakes, usually through excitement, in normal dating it's recommended you know the basics of the person you're meeting, even down to telling someone you trust who you're meeting, where you're meeting etc, so why is BDSM different ??, As I've said you probably just made an excitable mistake, so just learn from this experience

[Mz****]

6 minutes ago, quietlysure said:

The fact you're looking for a BDSM/kink relationship makes it more important to know who the person you're seeing is, should you have held back till knowing who he was, yes, but hey, we all make mistakes, usually through excitement, in normal dating it's recommended you know the basics of the person you're meeting, even down to telling someone you trust who you're meeting, where you're meeting etc, so why is BDSM different ??, As I've said you probably just made an excitable mistake, so just learn from this experience

Why should she have held back? The only "mistake" made was telling him she'd ran the check, I wouldn't have mentioned it myself, but again, even that's not a mistake in my eyes, she was honest and upfront.. unlike him, if he's on any sort of register for example, waiting for 5 dates could well have been too late to avoid an *** or worse.  Trust is a two way thing, he's shown her none why is she the only one obliged to trust at face value?

[Deleted Member]

I'm not going to comment on the situation with the Dom as others have given you plenty to think about - but do listen to your instincts. I am concerned that you've said your spouse won't let you leave your . For a very long time I thought this too and was so ground down I believed him. And we weren't even married. If you'd like to talk about this more (with no judgement from me) feel free to DM. I have been on this site for 18 months.

[ey****]

In the UK we have Clare's Law

in this you have a right to basically put in a request that basically goes "I'm dating a new partner - are they a risk" and a police database is privately checked for any reports of ***, or domestic ***, or so on - obviously it's not black and white, but it's information.  

It's come from someone who was ***ed in a domestic *** case, from a man the police knew to be dangerous.  

Aside from this - there have been people who've floated round kink communities (men and women....) who really shouldn't have been there due to previous convictions 

And different forms of screening can be important.  

 

[Ar****]

It had already been said but I think in some situations a little extra weight and reassurance can help put a mind at ease - trust in a Dom is earned, not assumed (at least during the early stages of forming your connection). It is a two-way street, and in your instance all the traffic flowed one way.

 

This is a red flag, you are almost certainly better out of this dynamic. Please don't let his poor reaction deter you from being honest and open with other partners in the future. I hope you find the connection you need soon, in better circumstances. 

[TheBookCollector]

I believe you did the right thing anyone who gets ***ed off at you for vetting them should be avoided. It used to be a thing in the scene where you would ask around the local kink community about an individual, and also check them out.

I have been asked by people to see my photo drivers licence to validate the name ive given is true, but i also ask for the same in return. Most people will leave it at that after a quick google of the name.

Anyone who will not share and prove they are who they say they are raises a big red flag IMHO.

[Deleted Member]

A true Dom doesn't demand trust or submission both are gifts given by the sub in time. Pandora you did fantasic at trusting yourself. 

[Ae****]

I think - you didn't trust him - that's your personal warning system keeping you safe. He failed to make you trust him and blamed that on you. Be happy that this relationships is over, look forward. Find someone who actually works to *earn* your trust, not demand it. Also, sorry about the whole thing. I hope you find freedom somehow.

[Mz****]

Just today I've  seen a 'Dom', who is now on this site..hitting up those new to BDSM and outside of his local area..who is banned from local events in his area for extremely serious physical and sexual consent ***s..NEVER take someone at face value, ALWAYS research them, and ALWAYS trust your gut if it's telling you something is wrong..if it hurts someone's ego, too bad, better that than the alternatives when their true personality shows.

[KillerKitty725]

You're worth the extra effort to would take to provide that safety and security. A Dom should treat you like the treasure you are.

[SexxyMoeFoe]

Count yourself lucky. Anything could have happened. You dodged a bullet. Never question if concerns for your safety are valid and warranted. I'm sorry you even felt the need to ask the question