Deleted Member Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 8 hours ago, Curvygirl1 said: I think, given the amount of varied experiences mentioned here, that this is a golden opportunity to educate those people who are using tactless approaches, to offer appropriate reprimands to entitled assholes and improve that big thing that kink has over vanilla which is the depth of the communication we have cultivated. Sometimes when i get some of these i will take on the sender. I will say things like 'want to try that again' or 'you dont have my permission to address me as such'. Sometimes I get a genuine apology and this opens a dialogue allowing me to assist the person in better approaches. I did see someone mention something earlier about texf communication not being good because we cant see facial expressions etc. This is true. But unless you are in aus with your bestie, oi c*nt! Isnt a great conversation starter. Some people open this way because they are inexperienced in the lifestyle and think thats how its done. I challenge myself to change that culture of thinking. Absolutely agree. I don't always have the energy but I do challenge the messages I receive and sometimes it's been a positive dialogue. And sometimes they double down and insist that I am being sensitive etc. If I just block, they will just carry on thinking the same way.
qu**** Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 On average for a woman to be about 90% certain of recieving a reply from a sent message to a man her own age is around 13, for men they have to send around 58 messages before getting a reply, I imagine this is different if men message women younger than them, and this is based on respectful messaging. Reply expectation probably goes through the roof with initial mucky messages. But most of the men will blame the women, the site with absolutely no blame on themselves
Deleted Member Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 Sunday at 08:48 PM, eyemblacksheep said: One of the hardest things sometimes to accept is you can, in theory, do everything right and not get what you want. I have found reaching out to someone I already have a little rapport with has yielded better results (even if it's just an exchange of conversation) then messaging blind While there are a lot of examples of bad opening messages - there's no real perfect opening message. I think a golden rule of keep it brief but make it count can help - someone else also recommended keeping below 250-300 words. Among anything else it means you're putting effort in, but not overly labouring yourself, while also not making the other person feel they have to give a lengthily response. I don't think sending dozens or hundred of messages will reap results. Messaging blind has bad odds! I quite often message men from a forum chat to continue a discussion. Showing your personality in the forum and on chat is the way to get talking with people. This isn't a dating site for many of us - it's a community.
qu**** Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 Well whilst yes it is wrong what happens in messaging, I wouldn't be surprised if the site goes down the same route as many other community based and dating sites have done and make messaging only available to paying members, if not to totally stop but dramatically reduce these problems, not that it works but it does increase revenue
ey**** Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 1 hour ago, Curvykate said: I don't think sending dozens or hundred of messages will reap results. Messaging blind has bad odds! Nope. I think this is actually why men get a poor return ratio on what they send a logic kinda goes "if I message more people I am more likely to get a response" and so play it as an odds or numbers games. the problem : women know they do this. The message often reads just like it's been copy pasted and that's off-putting. There's also the problem that if the conversation does start, the guy had no idea why he messaged her other than he was 'playing the odds' - and - if he's not read a profile properly, a good chance he's wasted both their times when it's obvious he wouldn't be interested (or she wouldn't be) if he'd actually read the profile. Like. I got a message this morning on another site on my clip store profile - and it was an attempted 'sweet' post a bit "Ooh, I'm new and shy - here's a bit about me, blah, you're pretty I'd love to chat online and maybe meet social" and it's like... I replied, "You've read my profile, right?" And, like, it's bullshit. Instead of reading profiles or anything he's gone straight for a copy paste message, presumably mass messaged, hiding behind being "new and shy" No, he's just fucking lazy.
Deleted Member Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 I don't tend to PM much on here. I generally hang out in the Lobby and I can't keep up with the flow if I'm PMing... and the whole reason I'm here is to be sociable. I'm also not looking to hook up, bc I do spent quite a lot of time here and I don't want awkwardness between me and anyone. So PMs are pretty pointless to me unless it's with friends. I absolutely won't answer messages of the type you mentioned (unless I'm feeling stroppy and looking to give a lesson on manners) but I also hate messages that just start "Hey" or the like. Hey what? Why are you messaging me? What are you looking for? Why did you chose me? Is it mean of me not to want to waste my time on random chats with people I don't know?
BigPolly Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 13 minutes ago, Lady_Char said: I don't tend to PM much on here. I generally hang out in the Lobby and I can't keep up with the flow if I'm PMing... and the whole reason I'm here is to be sociable. I'm also not looking to hook up, bc I do spent quite a lot of time here and I don't want awkwardness between me and anyone. So PMs are pretty pointless to me unless it's with friends. I absolutely won't answer messages of the type you mentioned (unless I'm feeling stroppy and looking to give a lesson on manners) but I also hate messages that just start "Hey" or the like. Hey what? Why are you messaging me? What are you looking for? Why did you chose me? Is it mean of me not to want to waste my time on random chats with people I don't know? Yessss! All of this!!!! 😁
Deleted Member Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 Unfortunately the internet gives scumbags the chance to come out with stuff they would never get away with in real life or more importantly would have the balls to say without risking sexual harassment or getting a slap. It’s unfortunately just too common on sites like this. It also gives real Doms/subs a bad name. Be kinky but first and foremost be a respectful human being. Play is sacrosanct and requires trust which you are not gonna get behaving like that. Stop being creepy and engage intellectually first. Unfortunately though, creeps will always be creeping….🤦♂️🤷♂️😂 that’s what block is for 😉👍
Deleted Member Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 Pretty mild in comparison to many, but this was an opening message I got today: ”Hi would like to see your hidden pictures please“ Is that so? ”Hey, this kinkster has let you know … “
Deleted Member Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 1 minute ago, Lockfairy said: Pretty mild in comparison to many, but this was an opening message I got today: ”Hi would like to see your hidden pictures please“ Is that so? ”Hey, this kinkster has let you know … “ Oh yeah, this one lol Dude, if I was happy to let any rando see them, I wouldn't have them in Private Gallery now, would I?
SexxyMoeFoe Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 3 hours ago, Darkswitch said: Be kinky but first and foremost be a respectful human being. Play is sacrosanct and requires trust which you are not gonna get behaving like that. Stop being creepy and engage intellectually first. This is how you know real kinksters vs fuckbois. Anyone with the "what do you expect on a kink site" or "that's what you get for sharing pics like that" attitude isn't really a kinkster. They are here because they think kinky people are easy or slutty or stupid. They don't understand the trust and communication aspect at all. On the plus side... at least it makes it easy to identify them...
Redneck_Nerd Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 I've always been left to feel like some people must actually see some sort of results from such cheap and crude tactics, maybe not in a community like this specifically, but among the dating/hook up sites in general. If there were never a positive response it seems to me like the tactic would largely die a natural death instead of remaining so common. That said, I doubt they have really good luck or anything... It might take a couple hours to actually read peoples' profiles and make meaningful efforts towards starting a dialog, with only the chance of a positive response. But in the same couple hours these folks can go fishing, and drop their one liners or canned introductions to dozens of other people, and potentially see a few responses with the chance of going somewhere... It's only an anecdotal example, but I had a friend who would use such tactics on FB all the time, trolling through the friends lists of women on his friends friend lists (That's a mouthful...) and while the returns might have been 1:100, he did always seem to have a date lined up. It seems to just be a sad reality that there's just enough lonely or low standards people out there to rein*** these low effort techniques.
Du**** Posted August 25, 2021 Posted August 25, 2021 Just had this from a 58yo man… Him: Would love to be sucking on those beautiful toes Me: That’s really not how to open a conversation and you clearly haven’t read my profile. Have a little decorum, please. Him: Fuck you I am so, so tired after seven years of this, every single day. This one sounds like an absolute danger. @Redneck_Nerd is spot on with the reminder that this kind of thing clearly works often enough for them to keep doing it. By rejecting it we can raise the standards for each other. Yes, I reported this example.
ey**** Posted August 25, 2021 Posted August 25, 2021 I've dug out an old blog post someone wrote, I've got it bookmarked but can't link to it (but if you can search littlemisslilu on twitter for a post on July 28th 2019 - you can see it) So. She did a long experiment. She replied to every single Hi/Hey/etc messages over a 2 year period. (the thread above is about emails, but there's another one linked about SMS/) Now, some of this isn't a fair gauge as she is Pro-Domme so her objectives wasn't a life partner or a date - but a booking - and also her aim is to do it in as few a messages as possible She divided people who contacted her into 3 categories 1) They only said hi/hey (or said hi/hey + something useless) 2) They said hi and gave a little bit of info, but not all of it 3) Gave full or most info (day/time/place/duration/likes/limits) (she didn't have the breakdown from the email but in the spin off thread about SMS/ these were 78.3% "hi", 12.6% "hi + basic", 4.3% full intro, 4.8% other) So... the hi messages. Only 9% ended in a booking - and - it took around 22 messages on average between the conversation starting and one ending it (either with a booking, or that the client stopped messaging, or that it became ***fully obvious this was never going to turn into a booking) of the hi+info A bit better, but still only 46.3% booked. And it took 10.65 messages while the ones who gave a full or most info - 91.1% booked - an average of 5 messages. -- As further breakdown she would tag some of the messages after conversation or meeting - and 81% turned abusive/pushy from the 'hi' category and 18% from the hi+info -- I believe while she did reply any 'hey' messages - any generic/vulgar messages like in the OP were declined As I say, in some ways this is not a fair gauge - because she is actively seeking for people to meet and has an interest in arranging this as quickly as possible - but in other ways; her experience graphs that bad first messages end up being an emotional drain on her that go nowhere. So, yep, a small % of the hey messages went somewhere but outside of an experiment this is unnecessary labour
qu**** Posted August 25, 2021 Posted August 25, 2021 On the flip side of that in 2018 New scientist published results of a dating messages experiment, they showed men got more responses from a short hi how are you message than longer these are my likes message, think it was carried out in 4 cities in America, as a result quite a few sites encourage short opening messages, I know that's in a "normal" dating sense, but I imagine over time it becomes habit, as for unsavoury messages could filters be put in place that would prevent them being sent, I know of one site where even arsenal and cocktail are blanked out 🤷
ey**** Posted August 25, 2021 Posted August 25, 2021 I think - and this is why it wasn't a fair gauge - in *most* cases likes/interests particularly from a kink/sexual perspective should not be in an early message. I say most, if someone has on their profile they love - I dunno - rope - then someone messaging saying they're a bunny or a rigger or whatever would be appropriate. But, I definitely think - make it brief but make it count. Don't send a message that makes the receiver do all the work
qu**** Posted August 25, 2021 Posted August 25, 2021 I wonder if it would help if the site wasn't advertised as a fetish dating site, or even one I've seen a kinky hook up site, whilst it happens here, it automatically puts an expectation in a certain kind of person's mind, review sites don't help in that aspect either
ey**** Posted August 25, 2021 Posted August 25, 2021 it might - but - they've come with their own incorrect perceptions. They've either got to learn from this, or not get what they want
SexxyMoeFoe Posted August 25, 2021 Posted August 25, 2021 It won't help. I get messages on Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, IG, , and Fetlife (which is billed as a kinky social site like Facebook). Doesn't matter the platform or what it's for, as long as there is an opportunity to message someone, it's going to happen.
Deleted Member Posted August 25, 2021 Posted August 25, 2021 Yep creeps always gonna creep. Point it out where you can or block and ignore, in fact if someone does send you crass stuff tell them where they’ve gone wrong. Or block them for being the absolutely morons you they are. That’s about it x
Deleted Member Posted August 25, 2021 Posted August 25, 2021 Monday at 10:14 AM, Mattyy0099 said: Apologies to you if the term "smoking hot" was offensive. I asked myself if i meant it in the context of a 24yr old kitten and i truly believe this is not the case. When i looked at the profiles i have viewed i am definitely drawn to attractive photos. I'm talking about great photos that might only be a saucy glimpse of something that entices me. The term also crosses gender and i can see my ***rs with similar great photos. These are smoking hot. In comparison my own photo is quite lacking. What also adds to smoking hot is great text explaining what we want to find. So yes, tick those boxes and i expect those profiles to attract lots of attention and indeed messages. What is clear from looking at stats is that women receive more than they send and men send more than we receive. How needy we are? My wife and friends mock me for believing in the good of people and always end up disappointed when they turn out to be arseholes. They on the other hand get to be pleasantly surprised. If someone says hello to you in the street would you say hello back or just ignore them. I see DM as being no different and yes, if it is a polite hello the expectations are quite high that there is a hello back, regardless of who you are and what you are looking for. Rude messages should just lead to blocking, no response necessary. Smoking hot is such a lame way to tell somebody you are attracted to them. An opener for kink should be more like. “Hey I see your into (insert fetsish from profile) me too, what are you looking for on the site? Are you new to this? Etc.”
Deleted Member Posted August 25, 2021 Posted August 25, 2021 Being attractive is generic lottery mostly, have a good heart and a solid personality takes work but is worth it. That’s what you should be looking for in a vanilla partner or kink partner. Kink is what we do not what we are, stop treating women who are into kink like pornstars and start treating them like your equals. psssst….it’s really not that hard…. 😉
SexxyMoeFoe Posted August 26, 2021 Posted August 26, 2021 Got this charming copy pasta message from a "dom" here a few days ago: him: Hey, Before we go any further I got to let you know im a Dominant man with stamina. The type that would hold you down and punnish that pussy during sex. Grab your throat and stroke that pussy slow and deep before I pound on it making you take every inch of my long thick dick and cum again and again till your legs shake. Might even get my cuffs or restraints and lock that body down as I tease you. Up for the challenge? I want long term abs want you to be mine Me: LOL. So funny, a whole thread in the Forums section about bad conversation starters. Like this one. LOL. Wish you had read it before wasting my time here: https://www.fetish.com/topic/24724-conversation-starters/ Almost want to copy and paste this message for the others to see. LOL him: Worked for me before just not your cup of tea but you don't have to be tasteless. Goodbye. Me: Lol. Yes I'm the tasteless one in this conversation. Whatever makes you feel better. Good luck him: You're annoying bye Then he blocks me. Like I said before - very easy to tell the real kinksters from the fuckbois.
Du**** Posted August 26, 2021 Posted August 26, 2021 1 hour ago, SexxyMoeFoe said: Got this charming copy pasta message from a "dom" here a few days ago: him: Hey, Before we go any further I got to let you know im a Dominant man with stamina. The type that would hold you down and punnish that pussy during sex. Grab your throat and stroke that pussy slow and deep before I pound on it making you take every inch of my long thick dick and cum again and again till your legs shake. Might even get my cuffs or restraints and lock that body down as I tease you. Up for the challenge? I want long term abs want you to be mine Me: LOL. So funny, a whole thread in the Forums section about bad conversation starters. Like this one. LOL. Wish you had read it before wasting my time here: https://www.fetish.com/topic/24724-conversation-starters/ Almost want to copy and paste this message for the others to see. LOL him: Worked for me before just not your cup of tea but you don't have to be tasteless. Goodbye. Me: Lol. Yes I'm the tasteless one in this conversation. Whatever makes you feel better. Good luck him: You're annoying bye Then he blocks me. Like I said before - very easy to tell the real kinksters from the fuckbois. Fuck me, what a weapon. “Worked for me before”? What, on that really hot girl none of us know because she goes to a different school in Canada? Sure, sweetie, I’ll just bet.🙄
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