Patience vs Trying to Cheat the System

[Deleted Member]

Hey there folx! 

I've been having a bit of a series of thoughts kinda fumbling around in my head for the better part of the day and figured I'd pop it to you fine people. And that's the idea of patience and how that's possibly among the most important thing when getting into kink and/or bdsm. As well how the use of patience can help keep folx away from the easier pitfalls of getting into kink and bdsm.

Something I've noticed with lots of the messages that pop up in kink spaces from newbies seems to circle around the need for instant gratification. A sub wants a Dom NOW, a Dom wants a sub NOW. So they jump in head first with no real idea of what they like or don't, and no real time to learn and meet the person they are playing with, and end up in horror story scenarios that could have been avoided. It's as if they want to quickly find the cheat code to having a happy kinky life without any self-reflection time, or "getting to know you" time with others, and end up having frustrating or ***ful experiences. Like buying new sneakers and expecting to magically be able to run a marathon. I know some folx are lucky to be able to have their already established relationships grow into kink, but most have to make their way through the wild and I think that will always take time. 

So I think that patience should probably be highlighted more. It takes time to figure out what you like and don't like. It takes time to learn and understand the communities you want to be a part of. It takes time to research and explore. It takes time to practice. It takes time to learn mental and physical limits. It takes time to meet and discuss things properly with partners. Heck, it even takes time to learn what kinds of questions you should be asking other people.

I dunno, I just feel like a lot of risk can be avoided if the person understands that this sort of thing is a journey that doesn't just reach some goal 1 week or even 6 months in. Thoughts?

[ey****]

I've often said patience is one of the best traits

Finding people you are compatible with is hard, and is going to take time

Building trust, bonds and relationships takes time

None of us are above furthering our learning, and, that's something that takes time

It's also - it's less of a sprint and more of a marathon - but just by taking part and running you increase your chance of being noticed, especially as people see you improve, or helping other runners, or simply enjoying yourself.

 

[TheBookCollector]

This is an old issue, such that it even documented, its called sub-frenzy, where there is desperation to find a dominant regardless, and start learning about this lifestyle.

That is why the predators hone in on new people, they by and large have not found thier local kink community, have no appreciation for red flags, and are easily manipulated to believe what they are told by the predator. They are also easier to isolate, from the community as the predator will tell them how bad it is and full of posers and peacocks.

[Deleted Member]

100% correct!!! Patience and time are key too a successful bdsm relationship. It is not something to rush into. Everyone wants instant gratification on some level. But are not ready for the consequences of what could happen.

[Du****]

If I get a DM from a guy and I see from his profile that he posts “HMU” type ads, I ignore him. Yes, probably over-fastidious but it’s unlikely he’s the kind of person who’s going to take his time getting to know someone, as you say. I’m discerning; I hope he is, too: I want the one who wants to serve me, not the one who’ll serve anyone and everyone. That’s not even what I would call ‘real’ submission. Same as those who put their personal contact info in their profile - as if they’re desperate not to miss out on any possibility - !!! - that’s not the kind of person I want to know better.

[BigPolly]

I think this also goes hand in hand with learning some jargon. Yes it is a minefield & you never stop learning but I really wish some folk would learn the basics & the difference between a ‘sub’ & a ‘slave’.
They are so desperate to be accepted by a Dom/me that they are literally offering anything & everything & that terrifies me when I read ‘I’ll be your slave, do what you like to me’ no, no, no, no, no!
Being a slave may be someone’s kink but it’s also seriously scary shit & a million miles away from being a sub!
And the other thing that’s scares me to read is ‘I’m up for anything’ 🙄 I’m sure if someone came along offering to staple you to a table whilst Geoff Capes bounced on your cock with his knees & trying to drown your head in a bowl of custard you’d soon change your mind …a bit extreme but you get my drift (& no offence if that’s actually a someone’s kink)
But regardless, learn some jargon, learn some boundaries & have some self respect. That way when someone who’s trust strips that self respect back, it is so much more fun!

[Deleted Member]

I don’t feel like this is specific to kink, you’ve just described relationships generally. Kink highlights the sexual element more than vanilla so it’s easier to visualise but you can get into just as bad a situation in a vanilla relationship by diving in and not practicing empathy/introspection.

[Mz****]

We live in a insta world, whether that's pictures, information, messages, movies, porn, food, music, entertainment, the swipe to match era..(I can never remember if it's left or right)..it kinda makes sense that that spills over everywhere else too. 

Some of it may be a generational thing, instant is all some have ever known, they may never had the joy of searching old book stores and finding treasures buried there, no need, when the downloads a click away, patience isn't something that's needed anymore in so many regards it's no longer learned..though I'm acutely aware my generation can be just as impatient  especially when their thirsty..almost as if they think they've waited long enough and are more entitled somehow.

I won't be rushed, if I'm too slow for someone's timetable, they either revise it, or I'll rip mine up and they end up with none..I loathe the from first message to declaring ownership in less than a week goal, for me it's a nonsense..but it does seem like I'm more and more alone in that. 🤷‍♀️

[Deleted Member]

51 minutes ago, MzJax said:

We live in a insta world, whether that's pictures, information, messages, movies, porn, food, music, entertainment, the swipe to match era..(I can never remember if it's left or right)..it kinda makes sense that that spills over everywhere else too. 

Some of it may be a generational thing, instant is all some have ever known, they may never had the joy of searching old book stores and finding treasures buried there, no need, when the downloads a click away, patience isn't something that's needed anymore in so many regards it's no longer learned..though I'm acutely aware my generation can be just as impatient  especially when their thirsty..almost as if they think they've waited long enough and are more entitled somehow.

I won't be rushed, if I'm too slow for someone's timetable, they either revise it, or I'll rip mine up and they end up with none..I loathe the from first message to declaring ownership in less than a week goal, for me it's a nonsense..but it does seem like I'm more and more alone in that. 🤷‍♀️

Ooh! I am so happy you mentioned not allowing yourself to be rushed because I think that's another area of this whole thing to think about. The idea of being pressured to be ready (whether by a potential partner or through toxic comparisons to other people's kink lives) and the idea of perhaps people taking advantage of that lack of being ready. But that latter point is rather covered in the wonderful thread you've already made. There is a pressure when talking to someone that they expect you to be fully ready to commit at practically first meeting; nevermind that maybe only a few interests align.

I suppose I think it would be nice to see mindsets where being patient and exploring things is encouraged in less of a goal oriented thing and more of an enjoyment of discovery in and of itself thing.

[TheBookCollector]

3 hours ago, MzJax said:

We live in a insta world, whether that's pictures, information, messages, movies, porn, food, music, entertainment, the swipe to match era..(I can never remember if it's left or right)..it kinda makes sense that that spills over everywhere else too. 

Some of it may be a generational thing, instant is all some have ever known, they may never had the joy of searching old book stores and finding treasures buried there, no need, when the downloads a click away, patience isn't something that's needed anymore in so many regards it's no longer learned..though I'm acutely aware my generation can be just as impatient  especially when their thirsty..almost as if they think they've waited long enough and are more entitled somehow.

I won't be rushed, if I'm too slow for someone's timetable, they either revise it, or I'll rip mine up and they end up with none..I loathe the from first message to declaring ownership in less than a week goal, for me it's a nonsense..but it does seem like I'm more and more alone in that. 🤷‍♀️

I agree with you about going at your own pace, in the past ive been accused of being glacial when it comes to getting to know someone.

I have a process and very rarely deviate from it. That includes normal vanilla dating, eg meals out, cinema, even day trips to events like BBB or LAM. It can take me 3-6 months before any kink activity takes place, and even that may include rope classes and jams.

[TheBookCollector]

8 hours ago, BigPolly said:

I think this also goes hand in hand with learning some jargon. Yes it is a minefield & you never stop learning but I really wish some folk would learn the basics & the difference between a ‘sub’ & a ‘slave’.
They are so desperate to be accepted by a Dom/me that they are literally offering anything & everything & that terrifies me when I read ‘I’ll be your slave, do what you like to me’ no, no, no, no, no!
Being a slave may be someone’s kink but it’s also seriously scary shit & a million miles away from being a sub!
And the other thing that’s scares me to read is ‘I’m up for anything’ 🙄 I’m sure if someone came along offering to staple you to a table whilst Geoff Capes bounced on your cock with his knees & trying to drown your head in a bowl of custard you’d soon change your mind …a bit extreme but you get my drift (& no offence if that’s actually a someone’s kink)
But regardless, learn some jargon, learn some boundaries & have some self respect. That way when someone who’s trust strips that self respect back, it is so much more fun!

I completely agree with your point about term usage especially mixing submissive and slave, but there is also confusion over terms like Dominant and Master, Top and Bottom.

I am always amazed by how many self styled 18-22 year old masters are out there.

[Mz****]

9 hours ago, TheBookCollector said:

I completely agree with your point about term usage especially mixing submissive and slave, but there is also confusion over terms like Dominant and Master, Top and Bottom.

I am always amazed by how many self styled 18-22 year old masters are out there.

I don't think it's just submissive and slave that are confused, I'd throw bottoming into that mix too, and topping of course. 

I agree about the young Masters and Mistresses too, however, to be fair, I see more who are older, claiming their age as some sort of trophy, you can be new, or dangerous, or ill informed at any age, though I know from speaking with s types, that the presumption can often be that someone older is going to be more experienced therefore safer, and that doesn't necessarily follow..and though I can only speak to my personal experience I've found younger do seem to be more open to learning especially, than old fogies like me who tend to be a little set-in our ways.

[TheBookCollector]

2 hours ago, MzJax said:

I don't think it's just submissive and slave that are confused, I'd throw bottoming into that mix too, and topping of course. 

I agree about the young Masters and Mistresses too, however, to be fair, I see more who are older, claiming their age as some sort of trophy, you can be new, or dangerous, or ill informed at any age, though I know from speaking with s types, that the presumption can often be that someone older is going to be more experienced therefore safer, and that doesn't necessarily follow..and though I can only speak to my personal experience I've found younger do seem to be more open to learning especially, than old fogies like me who tend to be a little set-in our ways.

I agree Age is no guarantee of experience, and im not so sure you cant teach old hands new processes, im always learning and expanding my skill set.

[ey****]

I don't think it ever made one of my blogs, but I had a draft ages ago which was about some of that point on being a very instant - I won't say generation, but, period of time.

that - it's fucking great : virtually unlimited choice of TV, movies, music, at a touch of a button.  I can load an app on my phone in (almost) any city and grab a cab or a takeaway without routing through menus or phoning places up to see who is open : hell, at the minute I'm prepurchasing bus tickets to save *** - and working out what buses I need to get in other cities.

I'm not sure how good some of these hook-up websites are but there's certainly a perception someone can go on one and match with a few people and end up fucking within days.  

And I think, if folk don't understand why this doesn't really* happen within kink - they don't understand kink. 

(*I'm not saying it never happens - but certainly stories I've seen from women who have previously done this - explains why a lot won't) 

[Deleted Member]

It’s the same with asking questions.  
 

I know questions should be asked but the amount of really basic questions I get asked is mind numbing and as if they are demanding answers when from my perspective I’m thinking are you really being so needy and lazy that you can’t research a subject yourself  I know I did it’s not that hard it’s just lazy .

 Someone I do not want to interact with is a lazy needy person that’s on both sides  The lack of any sort of basic understanding is baffling . It just leaves people wide Open to *** simply because they listen to someones truth instead of equipping themselves with the knowledge required.  And so much of this comes down to the NOW NOW NOW mentality. This is the same as roles be it Dom,sub,slave,top  or bottom or even just kinky ..  it’s like a tombola to some.  
 

I don’t give advice much anymore simply because my truth becomes there’s to get what they want and yeah cheat the system.  

Edited August 29, 2021 by Deleted Member

[Mz****]

36 minutes ago, MrC- said:

I don’t give advice much anymore simply because my truth becomes there’s to get what they want and yeah cheat the system.  

Thats a shame, you have a lot of knowledge to share..I've witnessed it often in the past..people need to be able to discuss what they've read, or researched so they can make their own minds up rather than one article being their font of all wisdom on a subject.. but I do understand your weariness, it can feel like a treadmill rather than a casual stroll sometimes.