Complete new by looking for idiot guide

[NewSwitch54321]

I have had an interest in bdsm for years but never had a willing partner to act out this fetish with me…until now.

As it has never been a reality before and now my girlfriend is interested in trying it with me, I have realised I have no idea how to conduct a session.

Can anybody give me a rough template of the order of things, including what position you put the submissive into for each stage- basic spanking, progress to using implements (riding crop, flogger, nipple clamps, etc), blowjob and sex, and how to move through the scene from beginning to end?

Thank you in advance

[ey****]

there is no set way to do things

what is important is you are both happy and this could include, especially in your early days of playing together, working out what you are happy to use/do or not do

perhaps rather than rushing into a formal scene - doing something more lighthearted like trying out implements for fun and to get an idea of them

make sure you know how to use any toys before you start - including where NOT to hit

But still.

Remember all these toys and implements *actually hurt* and that you don't want to overpower the senses especially if she is a newbie - what you ultimately want is a positive experience so she will do it again.  Find out what she might be interested in trying and exploring

How I might start something with a new sub is gentle and working way up, trying never to overstep her levels - but - I say this as someone who is not new. I know if I hit somebody and it's too much.  Instead of focusing on sessions or scene you need to focus on communication. On finding what each other likes and don't like in an environment you both feel safe in.

[Mo****]

Mate there is no formal way of doing things, and it should be done in a way that is comfortable for you both. There is no need to push limits/boundaries from day dot, as there is going to be all the time in the world to advance things as your confidence levels grow. Remember you are both going to be growing together.

Make your first few sessions fun, learning events, like laying out all your toys and implements along one side of the bed and blindfolding her to expose her to feelings. The feeling of different types of ropes and restraints, clamps, gags, spanking implements ranging from hand through to flip flops, ping pong paddles, belts, floggers and crop. Unless she is a raving masochist, leave the cane and whip well enough alone until YOU have the confidence in using them. You have pin wheels, candles to play with. Learn how close to the skin is too close and could cause burns on sensitive body parts.

So I hope you can see where I am going with all this. Just think safe and have fun. Oh and write about it so you can give others feedback to learning.

[Th****]

Brilliant from two very experienced members of our community 👍

What I to say will echo a lot of what has been said and can be summed up with start slow, and always practise on your self first.

You don't want to be inflicting a level of *** on someone with out knowing exactly how that feels. This is all about control and knowledge, everything that you can learn will increase your level of control.

Also read up on and get used to aftercare, it is critical in any bdsm scenario.

As said before though no rules, Dominants really do not do well with rules.

[Deleted Member]

You can google this and there are loads of sites with good information. I like this killingikttens* one best:
killingkittens*blog -how-to-be-a-dom

There's also a good channel on Pornhub called Kink University which has kind of tutorial videos showing some physical elements of BDSM but they also discuss the broader topic.

If you're unsure what you/your partner are into/would like to try, find a BDSM checklist/consent form and go through it together or separately and discuss it. Link to one below but there are loads you can google.

bdsm-checklist*pdffiller


Go slow, communicate lots, ask questions, have fun

Edited September 2, 2021 by Deleted Member
*External links removed

[Psuedom]

From a brain chemistry point, the formal way to do things is by periodically flooding the brain with endorphins through variable levels of constant stimulation. 

Endorphins tend to be released in loads every 10-15 minutes, but because everybody is different, there is no guarantee specifically on how much of what kind of stimulus over what time period will work from person to person... it is also not the only hormone at play, thus I would like to double down on @Thebian's suggestion on the importance of aftercare.

So realistically, the actual formal way of doing things is forgetting the formality all together; just start at the beginning (or bottom <chortle>), continue to learn and grow together, don't overreach and keep it fun.... for both of you.

One of the common themes of sex, fantasy & desire is wanting to recreate moments or the perceived chemistry from media (film, porn, literature, etc) inspirations, but forgetting that these are often fictional and don't include you in them.  Remember, your relationship/dynamic is your own, so be present together and not waylaid by how things should be based on some overly perfect fictional concept of events, instead enjoy what you have and build together... write your own "how to manual" based on a solid foundation of education.

Not sure what a solid foundation of education looks like?  See the replies above.  

"Your submissive is your church, pray as much as possible from every seat available."

[Deleted Member]

What fantastic, insightful advice for a newbie! As a sub, I'd echo all of this. When playing with someone new, I certainly don't have any precise expectations of the order of things. It's very organic. We talk in advance a LOT about limits, prior experience, desires. But playing in reality is responding to each other. It's a physical conversation which ebbs and flows. But should always end with aftercare - it makes a huge difference.

[Ae****]

@Psuedom fascinating!

[Leisa]

You’ve gotten great advice from some very experienced and respected Doms above. From a subs POV I’d want to have conversations beforehand of what you’d each like to happen. If she wants impact play start soft ask her to tell you when it’s hard enough. Make sure to strike in different areas. If you concentrate on one spot it’s going to be tender and she may think one level is enough when she really will crave more. During your conversations beforehand ask her what she wants her aftercare to look like. For some it’s a cuddle, for others it’s being left alone. It’s her aftercare and she should definitely have a voice in what’s going to help her come down as gently as possible. Watch for sub drop and help her put a drop box together..