Mixing vanilla & kink well

[Deleted Member]

Why is it so difficult to find a kinky partner that you could also have a vanilla relationship with? So far it feels like everyone just wants a play mate for sessions or a full time D/S relationship. Sexually I can be pretty deviant, but I’d still want a normal relationship outside of sex…am I on the wrong site?? 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

[Maisterchris1]

I agree entirely with you, you can have a perfectly vanilla relationship enhanced now and then by a good fetish desire

[Deleted Member]

I understand what you're saying it's hard to find someone compatible in both areas I don't think there is a site for it tbh I think it's just a case of finding someone who is into the same things in the bedroom and then seeing how you get on outside of the bedroom before diving in so to speak a lot of it will be down to luck but don't give up it will happen when you least expect it all the best

[TheBookCollector]

Firstly it is possible i know a few couples who are in kink relationships and also married. However it takes a lot longer as you are looking for a specific needle in a pile of needles.

I think the trick is not to be too precise in both areas of what you want and consider the whole package rather than the sum of the different parts.

Which comes first the kink or the normal relationship?

[Deleted Member]

Good morning N. From what you're saying you are looking for a Top and bottom arrangement. Kinda D/s lite. A kink relationship that exists primarily in the bedroom. It's good you don't mention anything to do with D/s in your bio, maybe write you are looking for Top/bottom. It's difficult to find exactly what you're looking for or close to it but it can happen. Keep true to yourself and a good toy to keep you company till you find it's replacement. The universe will give you what you're looking for as long as you know what you're looking for. Good luck in your search.

[qu****]

I wouldn't say you're on the wrong site, I'm similar, but have found this is a really good site to be on, it's no different here to so called "normal" sites, so it's just a case of keeping going, head Heald high, confident in knowing what you want ( it's my job to be shy and unconfident 🤭)

Edited September 2, 2021 by quietlysure
Missed word

[Jason272]

Totally agree. Hard to find. Had a short but sweet vanilla recently. Both are(were) switch. It was hot! She actually preyed me. She ended it, cuz she couldn't cope with the vanilla aspect. We were both crazy in love, and still are, but she doesn't want ties.

[Deleted Member]

21 minutes ago, TheBookCollector said:

Firstly it is possible i know a few couples who are in kink relationships and also married. However it takes a lot longer as you are looking for a specific needle in a pile of needles.

I think the trick is not to be too precise in both areas of what you want and consider the whole package rather than the sum of the different parts.

Which comes first the kink or the normal relationship?

Thankyou, tbh I hadn’t thought about it in that context and it’s a good question, I suppose the kink is obviously more important or I wouldn’t be here. There definitely needs to be a level, even if it’s only light. Thankyou, you’ve given me something to think about.

[Deleted Member]

17 minutes ago, AliasSilver said:

Good morning N. From what you're saying you are looking for a Top and bottom arrangement. Kinda D/s lite. A kink relationship that exists primarily in the bedroom. It's good you don't mention anything to do with D/s in your bio, maybe write you are looking for Top/bottom. It's difficult to find exactly what you're looking for or close to it but it can happen. Keep true to yourself and a good toy to keep you company till you find it's replacement. The universe will give you what you're looking for as long as you know what you're looking for. Good luck in your search.

Thankyou, I’m pretty new to exploring this and the terms aren’t something I completely understand or feel I fit so far. I appreciate the advise.

[Deleted Member]

10 minutes ago, Jason272 said:

Totally agree. Hard to find. Had a short but sweet vanilla recently. Both are(were) switch. It was hot! She actually preyed me. She ended it, cuz she couldn't cope with the vanilla aspect. We were both crazy in love, and still are, but she doesn't want ties.

I’m sorry, that sounds difficult. Hope you’re ok.

[qu****]

Just be yourself, that's all anyone can be 🤗

[Deleted Member]

3 minutes ago, quietlysure said:

Just be yourself, that's all anyone can be 🤗

Thankyou, that’s what I’m doing so far and I understand it takes time 🙄😂 I appreciate the support!

[qu****]

Good girl ☺️

[Deleted Member]

Keep searching, we do exist 😊

[sm****]

I always start out looking for friends first, and finding out we have a lot of interests etc in the vanilla world first as well as kink.  

I personally don't go on fet sites for a quick hook up, iv'e actually found more kink in my vanilla avenues, getting to know people and you can start judging by throwing in the odd kink related thing.

Going straight for kink only, sort of undervalues the person you have your eye on, if the other is just wanting kink only fair enough.

Just be yourself, and genuine, as it's impossible to keep a facade up 24/7 and "COMMUNICATE" openly your feelings and outlook, and they should feel able to do the same.

 

 

 

[TheBookCollector]

1 hour ago, NessusIssues said:

Thankyou, tbh I hadn’t thought about it in that context and it’s a good question, I suppose the kink is obviously more important or I wouldn’t be here. There definitely needs to be a level, even if it’s only light. Thankyou, you’ve given me something to think about.

Another approch would be to list out what.you want from both.sides, then mark them as all must haves, like to haves, and can live withouts.

That will be your sweetspot, but be prepared to make compromises on both sides.

[Wo****]

2 hours ago, funfrankie said:

I understand what you're saying it's hard to find someone compatible in both areas I don't think there is a site for it tbh I think it's just a case of finding someone who is into the same things in the bedroom and then seeing how you get on outside of the bedroom before diving in so to speak a lot of it will be down to luck but don't give up it will happen when you least expect it all the best

Personally I'd look for a connection outside of kink first. Person first, kink second.

 

 

[Deleted Member]

16 minutes ago, BountyHunter said:

Person first, kink second.

 

 

Always 😊🤘

[Mr-Brown]

I think that's the end goal for me! Someone you can be with vanilla and Caramel style

[Wo****]

Just now, Mr-Brown said:

I think that's the end goal for me! Someone you can be with vanilla and Caramel style

Or vanilla and coconut 😋

[Je****]

This is a good topic. With kink and vanilla you need a healthy balance in my opinion. Unless you are solely on here for kink hook ups, which can be quite easy to achieve, it can be harder to connect with someone who you can have both avenues with. 

Personally I feel very blessed and got lucky that I met my partner on here and we maintain a vanilla relationship with kink mixed it. It isn't a D/S relationship or solely what we focus on. It happened naturally and it works well for us. We grew close as vanilla people and got on amazingly and with kinks, both of us had our own, but coming together in that vanilla way made us both open to understanding each others kink likes more, and now we know new things and get to try those together, and they're ever evolving too. 

So it can be done, but I find 90% of the people I've attracted on here are after some quick fuck hook up or all about D/S stuff which personally isn't for me. I need the vanilla intimacy and the kink added in mixes it up and its very exciting when that element comes into play!

I hope you can find what you are seeking, but do not give up or think it cannot happen <3

[Je****]

25 minutes ago, BountyHunter said:

Personally I'd look for a connection outside of kink first. Person first, kink second.

 

 

100% with you on that.

[Psuedom]

33 minutes ago, BountyHunter said:

Personally I'd look for a connection outside of kink first. Person first, kink second.

 

 

This... always this.

[Mr-Brown]

Just now, BountyHunter said:

Or vanilla and coconut 😋

Or coconut 😝😝

[ey****]

I feel what you want is fairly common.  As well as being in one such relationship myself - there are many people in my friend circle in similar

It's (probably) the most common kink arrangement.

But of course, rightfully or wrongly there's a lot of people looking for something else.

Some may want, or feel they want, a stricter D/s relationship.  Some - well - how they come across is they want all of the benefits of a Pro Domme session (or, Pro Sub session) without paying for it.

But actually I think many would be ultimately happy in a relationship which has some element of kink.  

Like the guys who say they're submissive but actually, there's an awful lot they want to retain control of.

Or the guys who might feel they have to be some uber-Dommly Master, but actually, all they really want is someone they can flog and fuck once a week.

I feel I'm projecting a little here - but there's a lot of people get very tied up in how they think things should be, or be someone they're not, when actually a lot is more straight forward than that.

And it's not lesser, or inferior or "just role play" it's just... different.