Who has it easier, Dom/mes or subs?

[BigPolly]

1 hour ago, TeeJay_98 said:

 

I believe that neither s or D have it easier than the other. Both SHOULD be working equally as hard as the other to keep things going. 

 

 

Good answer TeeJay. Nice to see you’re still on here 😊

[BigPolly]

1 hour ago, CopperKnob said:

so all the above was difficult in terms of needing to let someone in.

Ohhh totally THIS!!

Thank you 😁

[Deleted Member]

8 hours ago, Aranhis said:

Hi Polly, glad to see you back 😊

I strongly suspect that there is no cut and dried answer - that some subs have it easier, and that some Dom/mes do too, and that that is largely down to each individual's dynamic and partner/s. It's an interesting notion though, I'm quite curious to learn whether there is a slight "lean" too.

Although I've never been in a sub relationship I have had sub experiences, and whilst I recognise that is completely different to a full-on dynamic I personally found those experiences much easier. I was able to switch off, place myself in somebody else's hands, and had very little I needed to concern myself with. That's a very two-dimensional assessment, I'm aware.

As a Dom, I can't switch off. As anchored and controlled as I am in some aspects, in others I can't help but feel lost sometimes (depending greatly upon the situation and dynamic, of course). There is tasking myself to learn my sub's nuances, their likes, their dislikes, their limits, their wants and fantasies, how to read and interpret them, how to reassure them. There is the concern that they might want to go further than they are ready for and don't realise it, the constant calculations of mutual (consensual) risk vs reward circling, damage mitigation - mental and emotional as well as physical - to perhaps consider. Where a dynamic is long-distance there are considerations over the effectiveness of available forms of communication, how to still make them feel safe, protected, loved, wanted, whatever the particular dynamic entails.

In short, it's the taking responsibility for another which I find a "bigger" thing. That's why I can find it stressful or tough at times. But I wouldn't swap it for anything, because when they feel safe in your arms and have placed their trust to be *** with you and to give them what they needed in that state, there is no better feeling.

Such a wonderful description of what a caring Dom does, Aranhis 😁

[Deleted Member]

I'm not entirely sure if this answers the question. But I am conscious of the work that a dominant does when playing with me, and I actively try to give them more. Doing as asked with alacrity, providing feedback, massages/rubs, physical touches, being responsive. Just being more giving really. I don't know if it helps. I hope so.

[TeeJay_98]

3 hours ago, BigPolly said:

Good answer TeeJay. Nice to see you’re still on here 😊

Good to see you back x

[Ae****]

I think - it depends on the individual. How comfortable a dom is with being a dom and how comfortable a sub is with being a sub, and how good one or the other person is at creating the correct situation for the their partner.
For example a dom could, I think, experience a lot of strain with holding back their treatment - like, the desire to do things is on a leash, and there is a lot of trust being given by a person I'm treating roughly. I don't want to hurt her, but she likes exactly that part of me. I need to make sure I don't let too much slack out, or she can get scared or hurt physically or emotionally.
Familiarity and experience and the skill of the individuals will affect how easy it all feels.

[Ar****]

2 hours ago, Dragonflylover said:

Such a wonderful description of what a caring Dom does, Aranhis 😁

Thanks lovely. I try 😅

[BigPolly]

6 hours ago, Aeonova said:

I think - it depends on the individual. How comfortable a dom is with being a dom and how comfortable a sub is with being a sub, and how good one or the other person is at creating the correct situation for the their partner.
For example a dom could, I think, experience a lot of strain with holding back their treatment - like, the desire to do things is on a leash, and there is a lot of trust being given by a person I'm treating roughly. I don't want to hurt her, but she likes exactly that part of me. I need to make sure I don't let too much slack out, or she can get scared or hurt physically or emotionally.
Familiarity and experience and the skill of the individuals will affect how easy it all feels.

As a Domme I was lucky enough to be trained & within that training I was taught how to cause *** & paddle correctly as not to cause myself ***/strain & not to loose it in the other person & that definitely helped with my confidence. 
I didn’t mind hurting someone as they know themselves better than I did but was always careful to watch for that moment when someone might drop & unable to control their own situation.

Maybe it’s my lack of experience as a sub when I had so much confidence as a Domme that’s my downfall.

As a Domme I could stand back from the situation & not let anyone in mentally, I can’t do that as much as a sub. 😊
 

[BigPolly]

Thank you so much All for your input. 
I know that my brain processes differently to many & I have sensory issues which can cause a problem being a sub but I never realised quite how differently I see/think. It’s a beautiful eye opener.

I’m not questioning myself as a sub (I don’t think 😬) but it’s amazing to see the problems I’m going through in my head aren’t widedpread……I never claimed to be normal 😊

And I always say how wonderful it is that we’re all beautifully different. 

[Re****]

Switches in my opinion as they can give and take and are usually not selfish

[ey****]

2 hours ago, sitonmyface2020 said:

Switches in my opinion as they can give and take and are usually not selfish

I feel switches is a different kettle of fish - but - you probably could differentiate the difference between the sides of the slash.   I've sometimes found people who only have interests in one side of the slash (totally valid) are sometimes apprehensive about switches - because either that they will never be able to give them everything they want - and, often, previous experiences that has involved switches trying to push them to switch, or, being judgemental to their role 

that some switches seek out other switches to combat this - but - this is still then finding someone's brand of switchiness is the same (or similar) to yours and that both are happy with the balance they get.  

[BigPolly]

2 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

switchiness 

I don’t know whether this is a real word or not but can I just say that this word has made my Saturday 😂

[ey****]

36 minutes ago, BigPolly said:

I don’t know whether this is a real word or not but can I just say that this word has made my Saturday 😂

all words were once made up words  

[Deleted Member]

On 9/3/2021 at 1:22 PM, BigPolly said:

See I always found a sub that is too proactive to be quite hard work as I felt like they were trying to set the rules about what they did & didn’t want doing to them. 
 

I’m a new sub. I am normally very assertive in every area but sex. My relationship with my Dom finds me both opening up about sex like never before but finding that I have to be aware of how I express my new openness without appearing to take the lead. Being in a relationship with someone who turns your knees to jelly as soon as look at you, but not being sure how to express the need that arises from that was a hiccup for a little while.
 

We sorted it out because we communicate well - the answer was for me to express myself with no expectation of a physical response, which works really well -   but to get to the point, this is where I think we both work hardest, communication, and I feel, within the structure of our D/s relationship, we are equals and both work hard at this to make it work.
 

Outside of communication, we have the usual amount of baggage that people in their fifties have, so we each try to make allowances for the other’s triggers. I am also ND (ADHD). My Sir is aware that I can get distracted easily, so he is always thinking of ways to keep my attention focussed. He also reminds me to look after myself when I’m deep in my latest obsession. In turn, I try to focus on him and his needs, rather than whatever that latest obsession is. 

[BigPolly]

21 minutes ago, Lockfairy said:

I’m a new sub. I am normally very assertive in every area but sex. My relationship with my Dom finds me both opening up about sex like never before but finding that I have to be aware of how I express my new openness without appearing to take the lead. Being in a relationship with someone who turns your knees to jelly as soon as look at you, but not being sure how to express the need that arises from that was a hiccup for a little while.
 

We sorted it out because we communicate well - the answer was for me to express myself with no expectation of a physical response, which works really well -   but to get to the point, this is where I think we both work hardest, communication, and I feel, within the structure of our D/s relationship, we are equals and both work hard at this to make it work.
 

Outside of communication, we have the usual amount of baggage that people in their fifties have, so we each try to make allowances for the other’s triggers. I am also ND (ADHD). My Sir is aware that I can get distracted easily, so he is always thinking of ways to keep my attention focussed. He also reminds me to look after myself when I’m deep in my latest obsession. In turn, I try to focus on him and his needs, rather than whatever that latest obsession is. 

I absolutely love this reply thank you 😊 

[Taramafor]

Let's see here. Doms can fall into the trap of being too strict/damanding and acting entitled.

Subs can fall into the trap of being too shy and incapable of confronting situations.

A good dom won't act like it's an obligation. They'll simply inspire.

A good sub does more then roll over and be a doormat. But let's be honest. A lot of subs are going to be.

It's also down to the sub to get a doms attention. Many lack spines. I have one. It gets the "not interested" to get interested. Easy in situations like that? No.

 

Worth it? Yes.

Edited September 8, 2021 by Taramafor

[Deleted Member]

Either can be as difficult or as easy as the other. For me it's pretty much the connection one makes, as with a good one it's much much easier for both sides of the slash.