Serious about bdsm or just want attention

[Deleted Member]

After approx 3 wks or so on here i have become very disinterested i have spoken to 7 so called subs who all say they want a dom and most added they wanted to live the whole life as permanent as possible yet after a few days of chatting and attention they have all 1 by 1 disappeared   ( no i wasnt chatting to all at the same time) yet are still on line ?they all seem to disappear when the chat gets serious something which they are not .seems to be a lot of attention seekers  or people playing at being something they are not. 

 

What is your experience of chatting to people here? 

[Deleted Member]

I would always say there are 2 people in a conversation and sometimes,  people just don't click. Doesn't mean the people are lying, just that you aren't the Dom they're looking for. 

 

Give and take, that's what it's all about, I think. 

[ey****]

So, 21 days on here, 7 people talked to, an average of 3 days of conversation.

You're moving too fast.

-

My experience of talking to people on here has largely been positive.  A couple of people didn't reply my messages - but that's not because they're not serious : I reckon they took one look and for whatever reason weren't interested and that's fine.   Nothing has led to anything, but, I'm here (here being both in this lifestyle and on this website) for the long term and I've learnt stuff takes time.

-

I know there are people of - any gender or dynamic - who can let the fantasy run wild a little bit : and when presented run a mile, but any end requirement still needs built up to.  

[Lizzy240]

2 hours ago, Rickmeister said:

After approx 3 wks or so on here i have become very disinterested i have spoken to 7 so called subs who all say they want a dom and most added they wanted to live the whole life as permanent as possible yet after a few days of chatting and attention they have all 1 by 1 disappeared   ( no i wasnt chatting to all at the same time) yet are still on line ?they all seem to disappear when the chat gets serious something which they are not .seems to be a lot of attention seekers  or people playing at being something they are not. 

 

What is your experience of chatting to people here? 

I have never been in this sort if site before..

I'm a virgin

[Deleted Member]

After speaking with 7 subs they disappear. Perhaps you 're not what they're looking for. Maybe look at yourself and how you come across. Will admit there are a few time wasters on here

[Deleted Member]

Lots of time wasters and if its me why do they not say so they arent shy about what they want etc as with most dating/hook up sites people revel in the attention and become addicted to it also there are a lot of fakers who say they are into bdsm but really there ex was a bit boring in the bedroom and they like a bit of a spank now and then and if theyre drunk maybe a bit of dirty talk but they are not into bdsm 

[ey****]

firstly, harshly...

the common factor in all your failures is you.

but, that's ok - the common factor in all my failures is me, the common factor in all the next persons failure is them... so on.

So, how can you improve?   

You've made about 3 or 4 threads on here blaming others or attacking women for your misgivings - this leaves a big breadcrumb trail and pretty much anyone who does start to feel things might be getting serious may do some homework.

Why they don't tell you?  If you don't understand this then you're already behind.   Too many times do women say "I'm not interested" and then be met by a barrage of *** - and while you might not be like that, too many men are : in fact you've just publicly called them a bunch of timewasters and fantasists so maybe you are.

So anyone who was having a couple of days to think about things now sees this thread and thinks "oh, so I'm a timewaster cos I didn't reply immediately... bye"

You are moving too quick. If you expect a sub to move in with you after 3 days of chat then it's not them who doesn't understand BDSM....

[Deleted Member]

Don’t expect to find your forever after partner instantly. Honestly, you’d be better engaging in real life munches and events to find if anyone local to you is a match. 

You’re also not 18 - remember the olden days where people used to meet through mutual friends and at the pub? That’s what munches are like. You can be yourself and you have the advantage of body language. There’s nothing worse than being led down the garden path by someone living an online fantasy - when they have no intention of ever meeting in real life. I see it all the time on online chat apps. 

Personally I use online forums/chats etc for ideas and engaging in the community - but when I came to looking for my sub, I ultilised my local networks and fetlife community. I met up personally with quite a few subs for breakfasts at cafes and at quiet bars and I was always surprised how people misrepresented themselves online, versus what came out with a normal conversation. 

Unfortunately you’ll find many more subs that aren’t a good match and it can seem like finding a needle in a haystack. Use this time to learn and practice skill sets, offer to Service Top or help volunteer with your local community. It’s those connections that may help you find your right partner. Good luck.

Heels 👠👠

 

[BigPolly]

If you’ve been only chatting for 3wks & in that time you’ve chatted with 7 different subs that comes across that your chat has become serious very very quickly. Some people like to chat for a while or build up trust not go from 0-60 in the space of a few days. Also maybe they’re chatting because you share the same interests & when they realise you want more maybe they feel like they’re giving you the wrong impression so stop. In fairness if you’re expecting results in 3wks (or even in a few days) in a world where trust & respect is a huge key then maybe it’s you that doesn’t understand BDSM as well as you think!? And yes maybe some do enjoy the attention but maybe some don’t know what they want & need guidance so saying ‘they’re playing at something they’re not’ isn’t fair. We’re all at different levels & all perceive this world very differently. Some people are too kind to say ‘leave me alone mate I’m not interested’ & would rather slink away quietly. Perhaps they just simply don’t fancy you. Yes there are many people on here that think this world is about getting their rocks off but then experience helps us filter those out from the genuine ones, not criticise people because they want to move at a different pace from ourselves or take a while to realise there’s no connection, that doesn’t make them time wasters.

[BigPolly]

Sorry @eyemblacksheep, I wrote my reply then read down the others & saw that mine was quite similar to what you’d written.

[ey****]

28 minutes ago, BigPolly said:

Sorry @eyemblacksheep, I wrote my reply then read down the others & saw that mine was quite similar to what you’d written.

please don't apologise - I think if others are saying the same or similar, especially from a different dynamic.

[Deleted Member]

I've also just read your profile and to be honest, if you had contacted me and I had read it, I wouldn't even want to chat..  lighten up

 

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

firstly, harshly...

the common factor in all your failures is you.

but, that's ok - the common factor in all my failures is me, the common factor in all the next persons failure is them... so on.

So, how can you improve?   

You've made about 3 or 4 threads on here blaming others or attacking women for your misgivings - this leaves a big breadcrumb trail and pretty much anyone who does start to feel things might be getting serious may do some homework.

Why they don't tell you?  If you don't understand this then you're already behind.   Too many times do women say "I'm not interested" and then be met by a barrage of *** - and while you might not be like that, too many men are : in fact you've just publicly called them a bunch of timewasters and fantasists so maybe you are.

So anyone who was having a couple of days to think about things now sees this thread and thinks "oh, so I'm a timewaster cos I didn't reply immediately... bye"

You are moving too quick. If you expect a sub to move in with you after 3 days of chat then it's not them who doesn't understand BDSM....

 

[Deleted Member]

Ok so firstly i make threads about things that are happening on here not cos i want some attention and if people see that im moaning about women who arent serious then surely if they are serious it wont concern them . And the common factor in the failures is as i mentioned that these sites get hijacked by people wanting attention and excitement , not to mention a quick easy shag or a way to make *** .i also made no blame for any misgivings i simply pointed out that many people using this site arent here for the reasons they say they they as is the same on every dating site .and who mentioned moving in after 3 days of chat ?????? Me ????? No i did not i mentioned how attwntion seekers move on after a few days to get attention elsewhere until again the talk becomes serious then off they go .but nice try for brownie points anyway .and if i was so wrong about this sight why have so many people not logged in for over 3 months .........my misgivings perhaps ?

[Deleted Member]

Political correctness is all well and good but on a site dedicated to bdsm people shouldnt be put off by someone talking about bdsm unless perhaps they are not here for that or just want a bit of excitement from there otherwise dull life as is the case on most dating sites 

[ey****]

Quote

who mentioned moving in after 3 days of chat

you mentioned in 3 weeks (21 days) you'd spoken to 7 subs (none at the same time) who'd stopped responding after you started get series.

21 days divided by 7 subs = an average of 3 days.

Quote

why have so many people not logged in for over 3 months

natural site turnover.

In some cases perhaps people not getting what they want.  In other cases perhaps some people FOUND what they wanted so no longer use the site.

Quote

on a site dedicated to bdsm people shouldnt be put off by someone talking about bdsm

true - but likewise they're not obliged to talk about that with *you* 

[Deleted Member]

Probably been said but here's my take .

The main thing to remember is it's still a relationship these things take time.  I spoke to my girl for weeks with no mention of the lifestyle or what you're looking for just getting to know each other.  If you want results put in the time, take an interest in them what makes the person tick where their motivation lies and this is life in general .

The conversation will lead in the direction that it needs to go it's fluid. 

It can take weeks to get to know someone and to create a rapour.

Be patient and don't rush as this often ends in mistakes, the dynamic between both people is what facilitates the lifestyle.

C

 

Edited April 29, 2018 by Deleted Member

[ey****]

Per a prior comment from @MissHeelsI do recommend munches and events.  It should remove a lot of doubt of "if they're really serious" because they've gone out of their way to meet with people into the lifestyle.

Of course, there's a common misconception that these are also good for easy hook-ups which they're certainly not but you do have the added advantage of body language, tone, etc. something which the internet lacks.

It will take time because you need to build trust.  

Obviously it's difficult without the context of some of the messages but people may see it as a flag if you seem too keen.  

 

[Deleted Member]

I think I've learned the hard way about trying to go from 0 to 60 in too short a time. As (mainly) a submissive gay man I will admit I'm sometimes very needy for 'attention' and I'll chase after a Dom guy like a hungry little puppy.. what that actually means is that, yes, I desire his attention, and I'll promise all sorts of submission to get it, BUT, having gained his attention I still then want to build the trust at a more 'traditional' pace as we jointly move towards the ultimate 'extremes' / full end result of my submission to his Domination. So it kind of maybe starts quick, then slows, then flows...

[Bamstar]

How can you think that a connection can be made after in your own words a few days. You make out that you're serious about this lifestyle yet if this was true you would know it isn't a quick process. I think the issue lies with you. Jumping straight into the deep end when you should he taking your time. I also know that turning nasty with subs and sending abusive and bad tasted messages when they don't reply quick enough isn't going to help your position. I personally think you need to take a step back and look at yourself before placing the blame on anyone else's shoulders.

[Deleted Member]

how to dig your own grave in one sentence....

[MasterFNG]

If they are not interested then move on. It takes time to build a relationship and not everyone is going to be what you are looking for and in turn you are not what everyone will be looking for either.

 

Take your time, talk with them, learn about them while sharing yourself. Too many people rush straight into talking about Kink and don't take the time to learn about the person first. To me I want to know what kind of person they are in general first, character, compassion, interests, hobbies, politics, past relationships, etc... If I don't like the Vanilla person then I won't be interested in their Kink-self....

 

So take your time, communicate and if they disappear then move on.

 

Good Luck in your journey

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, MasterFNG said:

If I don't like the Vanilla person then I won't be interested in their Kink-self....

 

So very true 

[Deleted Member]

On 29 April 2018 at 10:40 PM, HornyShorn said:

I think I've learned the hard way about trying to go from 0 to 60 in too short a time. As (mainly) a submissive gay man I will admit I'm sometimes very needy for 'attention' and I'll chase after a Dom guy like a hungry little puppy.. what that actually means is that, yes, I desire his attention, and I'll promise all sorts of submission to get it, BUT, having gained his attention I still then want to build the trust at a more 'traditional' pace as we jointly move towards the ultimate 'extremes' / full end result of my submission to his Domination. So it kind of maybe starts quick, then slows, then flows...

I just had another thought - possibly a lot of human situations suffer these days because of the 'on demand' culture that we increasingly live within. We are being brainwashed by the media  and technology etc that just because we 'want' something (that has often been aggressively marketed at us in the first place) we can and should be 'entitled' and able to get it 'right now'.  It's a false expectation when it comes to complex human behaviour and motivation. Sorry if this repeats anything already contributed by someone else...

[ey****]

I don't think that has come up, but it's a very good point.

And I think people of all ages and backgrounds fall into it.

I also think a trap, that, mostly straight guys fall into is the opposites trap.

That - if I have this fetish/fantasy of what I want a woman to do to me (or me do to a woman) then, by the same logic, there is a woman who has a fetish/fantasy that collerates.

It's just not so black and white.