To compromise or not?

[Leisa]

I was talking to a friend a bit ago about some of the mistakes I made in the hopes of not having them repeated and, knowingly or unknowingly, he had me asking myself how many of us compromise ourselves to be what we perceive others want us to be? I made the mistake of trying to pretend to be something I’m not recently and it lead to disappointing someone I care about. What I’ve learned through reflection is that by altering ourselves to fit into what we perceive to be perfect we chip away at our core. Those things that make us unique and different are diminished and we undervalue our worth. It’s easy to say “don’t compromise yourself to…” fill in the blank but life is all about compromises. We compromise our dedication to living this lifestyle to conform to societal expectations to be accepted in one aspect or another, be it work or family. We compromise what’s in our own interests for the betterment of the relationship so it’s a “we” scenario and not an “I”. At what point does compromise stop? There are times when compromising diminishes the person we are and puts forth a false image and in doing so it undervalues the other person.

[sm****]

There has to be give and take in any relationship, also understanding on what makes each of us "Unique"

There should be certain things that will always be a red line and should never be compromised or asked someone to cross that line, learning these is all down to the old saying "Communication"

What makes each of us unique should remain that,  nine times out of ten times,  that trait or querk that makes us "US" is the thing that attracted a person more than just visuals.  If they go for visuals or an expectation formed in their own head, they are shallower than a puddle and will never last the distance.

If someone is ***d to give up things they believe in, will always harm your self esteem and in the long run you have to say "is this the right person for me" or "are they actually understanding me or just using me for their own needs"  It withers personal grown and experience.  

So like a lot of other things it's open honest communication.

Personally i left a relationship and realised how much of the unique me i had supressed for ten years, as soon as I started being the real me, i felt much happier in life.  enjoying the moment and making new friends along the way. 

Realising how much i had compromised to just have a relationship and keep it, learning the hard way, i compromised too much and the foundations were made of sand.

 

 

[Sp****]

This is a deep convo for a lazy Sunday afternoon Leisa. The life we have created is all about compromise and we talk about it like it is a bad thing when it can be anything but. Like you say if we want to interact with others and not be singular then we must compromise to some degree. Only the individual can say at what point that compromise is a step too far and takes more than we wish to give and more than we are comfortable with. At that tipping point, that line in the sand is when the negotiation begins whether that be with the other person or with our inner self and only you know if you are prepared to take that leap of faith or retreat to your safe place!!

[Strengan]

The line is when you start feeling uncomfortable. Of course you could deny this sensation to yourself but that is the warning we should all be looking out for if we think we are compromising.

[Leisa]

1 hour ago, smeagol said:

There has to be give and take in any relationship, also understanding on what makes each of us "Unique"

There should be certain things that will always be a red line and should never be compromised or asked someone to cross that line, learning these is all down to the old saying "Communication"

What makes each of us unique should remain that,  nine times out of ten times,  that trait or querk that makes us "US" is the thing that attracted a person more than just visuals.  If they go for visuals or an expectation formed in their own head, they are shallower than a puddle and will never last the distance.

If someone is ***d to give up things they believe in, will always harm your self esteem and in the long run you have to say "is this the right person for me" or "are they actually understanding me or just using me for their own needs"  It withers personal grown and experience.  

So like a lot of other things it's open honest communication.

Personally i left a relationship and realised how much of the unique me i had supressed for ten years, as soon as I started being the real me, i felt much happier in life.  enjoying the moment and making new friends along the way. 

Realising how much i had compromised to just have a relationship and keep it, learning the hard way, i compromised too much and the foundations were made of sand.

 

 

I’m the one who screwed up this time by allowing someone to think I was one way when I’m not and allowed them to think things were one way when they weren’t accurate. Instead of burying my head in the sand I’m trying to learn from my mistake and if it helps someone else out along the way all the better. Compromising ones integrity will never be the right thing to do

[sm****]

8 minutes ago, Leisa said:

I’m the one who screwed up this time by allowing someone to think I was one way when I’m not and allowed them to think things were one way when they weren’t accurate. Instead of burying my head in the sand I’m trying to learn from my mistake and if it helps someone else out along the way all the better. Compromising ones integrity will never be the right thing to do

we all learn from mistakes, and being open and honest that we all make mistakes is good.  You can't grow otherwise.

 

[Deleted Member]

I have comprise a lot for others happiness and in the end I end up suffering not doing that again, so take me or leave me

Edited September 12, 2021 by Deleted Member

[ey****]

People talk about needing to compromise to make relationships work 

A lot depends here on what they mean by compromise.  There are things we enjoy. There are things we don't enjoy. There are things that fundamentally make us who we are.

It is important not to "compromise" ourselves into a situation where we are unhappy, or which leaves us resenting someone.

Obviously there are things that constitute of 'being an adult' and committing to a relationship that differ.  Such as guys might have to be willing to do more housework, or someone who might have spent a lot of *** on a night out or designer gear might need to put *** that would be spend there into a household pot.  (But I remember a story of a female friend who gave up some girlies nights out in order to put *** into a house, but her partner was still spending small fortunes going to football games - compromises shouldn't be one sided)  

It's better to not be with someone than to compromise something away that is important to you. 

[Deleted Member]

To compromise too much is to basically deny the truth of who we really are, and what brings us happiness. Of course its key in all walks of life, but there has to be a limit to how far one is willing to go, as after all most of us are here to finally be who and what we are, sometimes after years of denying that truth. Yes its needed as one cant always have it all, but better to be alone than to be something we are not. To compromise too much is to live a lie and misrepresent ourselves, and as you say Leisa not only can it cause us problems, it can also hurt those we interact with 😊.

[Ae****]

When I've worked out how to be happy independently, I have no need for ever compromising with anyone. Then I just wait. There are people out there who fit me, and like and want and support what I want and value. But I'm in no rush, I'm happy already.

[Taramafor]

The mistake is thinking in terms of "being something you're not". That's an unhealthy mindset.

Instead focus on "the situation". That can't be faulted.

Had a talk with someone yesterday. They had similar concerns. Ths mitakes are in the "how" of things. Let people figure that out themselves. But present them the "what". Provide options/choices/ideas. And state the situation for what it is.

We all have to establish the FAIR way. ALWAYS seek that. But what is fair? If I'm 100% invested with someone from the start then that can seem like you have to do "more". But in reality it's actually the "right" way. Love isn't selfish. It doesn't take. It gives.

So of course some people might get the wrong idea. You can imagine how that goes. They all have to agree in the end though. "Let's both get what we want." All of me matters. All of you matters. it's that simple. Even if you pretend "There is no us" the simple reality is that we affect each other. And trying to dismiss reality leads to misunderstandings and concerns piling up. Then things catch up and you're there with all the baggage if you tried to ignore it.

If you can handle the truth, and if you are not a coward, you will face that. Otherwise you are that weak fragile person. Incentive comes into play. etc, etc. Sometimes I really do have to control a situation because people can lie to themselves. It's like I do all the work then.

But then things even out. It's easier when you work together and go with each others flow. There's a back and forth to it. You always change who you are. It happened the very moment you read what I typed. It changed your thoughts/opinions. People in reality don't actually know themselves as well as they pretend. Can you honestly tell me you are fully aware of why you are affected in this current situation, of which affects you? I can garuntee that you do not know enough.

So... Where do the answers lie? "What don't you know?" When someone says "I don't know" that is an honest reply. Even if they acted in the right beforehand. They contradict themselves. And I'm happy about it. I'm happy that someone can admit they're an idiot.

I'm also happy being one. Why would I take offense to that? Only an idiot would. Either I know how to correct someone or I don't know. And if I don't know how to change a situation then I am indeed an idiot in that situation. This is being honest with myself.

 

Who wants to admit they're being illogical or irrational or stupid? I know a lot. So when I don't know I'm happy about it. Be realistic with your own flaws. So you can then change them. Otherwise it's denial isn't it? And please, don't pretend you don't want to improve yourself and be a better person. It's a never ending goal.

Edited September 13, 2021 by Taramafor

[ge****]

I've been pondering this since the thread first appeared and am still not sure I have the right answer - as you say Leisa life is a whole great series of compromises, from the simple things like what to eat for dinner, to the far more complex things that will have a major impact on our lives. Compromise also usually goes hand in hand with priorities too - so sometimes we forego being ourselves, or getting what we truly want because of another more pressing priority.

So I guess in answer to your question, the compromise stops when the thing you are compromising becomes a priority.

[Leisa]

2 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

I've been pondering this since the thread first appeared and am still not sure I have the right answer - as you say Leisa life is a whole great series of compromises, from the simple things like what to eat for dinner, to the far more complex things that will have a major impact on our lives. Compromise also usually goes hand in hand with priorities too - so sometimes we forego being ourselves, or getting what we truly want because of another more pressing priority.

So I guess in answer to your question, the compromise stops when the thing you are compromising becomes a priority.

Thank you.

[Taramafor]

2 hours ago, gemini_man said:

so sometimes we forego being ourselves

How can you be anything other then who you are? It's just not possible. That statement is a logical fallacy. You can't just stop being you. "Accepting more" doesn't stop you being yourself. "Rejection" can make you feel like you're not yourself though. I went through that in the past. What a lie it was. Getting the idea?

 

People struggle. It happens. But that's exactly why you're being you in that situation. Let's call it "learning". Or "adapting". The "kickstart" can be the hardest part.

 

Some people can chicken out on kickstarts. Before improving on what is done. This leads to being... incapable. Weak and pathetic even. Let's not sugarcoat this. Also got to know what you're working with. But what if fleeing easily and not checking in enough is why you have nothing to work with?

 

I actually had a conversation like that with someone yesterday. Went well. They know full well they can ACTUALLY try instead of just saying it. I don't need to beat a dead horse with a stick (they been doing it enough themselves. I pick up on when people wallow). Just going to focus on positives. And if they pull the same stunt again I'll just talk forevermore until they learn to talk to me about how we can both improve on what we do. I think they learned that lesson already. So I don't expect a repeat of it. Got to check in more.

 

Checking in. Biiiiiig factor. Keep improving on what is done. Btw, sex talks. Important. Roeplay talks. Important. Don't shy away from big scary topics. Otherwise people can get confused and not know what to do. It's not that you stop being "yourself". It's the "uncertainty". That leads to "dread". Counter that with communication. Even if someone complains a lot. Can't move forward if you don't talk. can't move forward if you don't get through the first topic. Be clear in regards to your wants/needs and exchange ideas (or keep giving them) until you get there. Perosnally, can keep giving idea after idea. Even enjoy it. But getting that open mind first, you know. Ask for that open mind first. Sometimes I just need to "see" it. If someone has clearly been confused then that's a good opportunity. If someone says "I don't see" and "Both eyes shut" then that says it all. It's my golden ticket. They know they're blind then. Perfect. I can work with that. Suddenly being blind is a GOOD thing. Huh...

 

In their own words, they want to find their own answers. But let's be realistic. You can't read my mind either. That's why I mentioned the "how" of things earlier. What they really mean is "I want to do my own actions." And perhaps to be asked more. I picked up on that easily.

 

I'm totally bragging. But hey, I'm also sharing what's proven to work. Can you detect these subtile signs yourself when it's with others? How good are your own observation skills? Can you point out to someone "This is what's on your mind isn't it" and be right about it more often then not? If I'm right I'm right. If you're right then you're right. Why have a *** of that? Only people afraid of being proven wrong would be afraid of that.

 

Afraid or not it's happening. ONE of us is right or BOTH of us are right in this situation when someone has concerns. Unless neither of us are for some reason. Also possible. Turns out somoene was on the older Battlefornt 2 instead of the newer one when they wanted to play it with me. Two different games completely.

 

So, let's examine this for a moment. In ANY situation, either ONE of you is right, BOTH of you are right or NEITHER of you are right. This seems to apply to all concerns. Cross reference with each other. Find the answers.

 

Catch 22: Sometimes answers are only found through action. Perhaps in this situation arrange "My way. Your way. Our way." Could start at "our", Could start at "Mine then yours" before "ours". All depends. I tend to find the "Just your way" approch leads to the other person not enjoying things as much as they could. But if they're persistent in their own comzort zones then letting them do that first could lead to my way then our way. With them being more open to newer things. This way it lets them figure out that what they thought they would enjoy might not be what is enjoyed as they thought it would be. Turns out "our way" is the right way.

 

Oh, one more thing. Talk about "good intentions". If for example somoene does something for you that you said you'll like, it might have been something you needed "right now". When you might have been more focused on them. For example.

 

Hopefully that makes sense. I've got only my interactions with others to draw upon. But it seems to pan out regardless of who. "I do your things. But let's do mine too." How can you "flow" with each other and work things in? I can get someone to enjoy something they were intolerant off quickly without a single word. Not kidding. a single gesture can help to make a point. I was working something in but the gesture made it clear how rejected I felt. Then I went RIGHT back to being playful and pleasent. No grudges. This quickly lead to getting my needs met. Agian, without a word about it. I'd be an idiot not to pounce on the hint.

 

Hmm... Yea... Sometimes you talk so much that in the end you just got to "do it". and realise it's been "just worrying". When you can be having fun instead. Talking someone into that in the first place? There's the trick to it.

Edited September 13, 2021 by Taramafor

[Leisa]

42 minutes ago, Taramafor said:

How can you be anything other then who you are? It's just not possible. That statement is a logical fallacy. You can't just stop being you. "Accepting more" doesn't stop you being yourself. "Rejection" can make you feel like you're not yourself though. I went through that in the past. What a lie it was. Getting the idea?

 

People struggle. It happens. But that's exactly why you're being you in that situation. Let's call it "learning". Or "adapting". The "kickstart" can be the hardest part.

 

Some people can chicken out on kickstarts. Before improving on what is done. This leads to being... incapable. Weak and pathetic even. Let's not sugarcoat this. Also got to know what you're working with. But what if fleeing easily and not checking in enough is why you have nothing to work with?

 

I actually had a conversation like that with someone yesterday. Went well. They know full well they can ACTUALLY try instead of just saying it. I don't need to beat a dead horse with a stick (they been doing it enough themselves. I pick up on when people wallow). Just going to focus on positives. And if they pull the same stunt again I'll just talk forevermore until they learn to talk to me about how we can both improve on what we do. I think they learned that lesson already. So I don't expect a repeat of it. Got to check in more.

 

Checking in. Biiiiiig factor. Keep improving on what is done. Btw, sex talks. Important. Roeplay talks. Important. Don't shy away from big scary topics. Otherwise people can get confused and not know what to do. It's not that you stop being "yourself". It's the "uncertainty". That leads to "dread". Counter that with communication. Even if someone complains a lot. Can't move forward if you don't talk. can't move forward if you don't get through the first topic. Be clear in regards to your wants/needs and exchange ideas (or keep giving them) until you get there. Perosnally, can keep giving idea after idea. Even enjoy it. But getting that open mind first, you know. Ask for that open mind first. Sometimes I just need to "see" it. If someone has clearly been confused then that's a good opportunity. If someone says "I don't see" and "Both eyes shut" then that says it all. It's my golden ticket. They know they're blind then. Perfect. I can work with that. Suddenly being blind is a GOOD thing. Huh...

 

In their own words, they want to find their own answers. But let's be realistic. You can't read my mind either. That's why I mentioned the "how" of things earlier. What they really mean is "I want to do my own actions." And perhaps to be asked more. I picked up on that easily.

 

I'm totally bragging. But hey, I'm also sharing what's proven to work. Can you detect these subtile signs yourself when it's with others? How good are your own observation skills? Can you point out to someone "This is what's on your mind isn't it" and be right about it more often then not? If I'm right I'm right. If you're right then you're right. Why have a *** of that? Only people afraid of being proven wrong would be afraid of that.

 

Afraid or not it's happening. ONE of us is right or BOTH of us are right in this situation when someone has concerns. Unless neither of us are for some reason. Also possible. Turns out somoene was on the older Battlefornt 2 instead of the newer one when they wanted to play it with me. Two different games completely.

 

So, let's examine this for a moment. In ANY situation, either ONE of you is right, BOTH of you are right or NEITHER of you are right. This seems to apply to all concerns. Cross reference with each other. Find the answers.

 

Catch 22: Sometimes answers are only found through action. Perhaps in this situation arrange "My way. Your way. Our way." Could start at "our", Could start at "Mine then yours" before "ours". All depends. I tend to find the "Just your way" approch leads to the other person not enjoying things as much as they could. But if they're persistent in their own comzort zones then letting them do that first could lead to my way then our way. With them being more open to newer things. This way it lets them figure out that what they thought they would enjoy might not be what is enjoyed as they thought it would be. Turns out "our way" is the right way.

 

Oh, one more thing. Talk about "good intentions". If for example somoene does something for you that you said you'll like, it might have been something you needed "right now". When you might have been more focused on them. For example.

 

Hopefully that makes sense. I've got only my interactions with others to draw upon. But it seems to pan out regardless of who. "I do your things. But let's do mine too." How can you "flow" with each other and work things in? I can get someone to enjoy something they were intolerant off quickly without a single word. Not kidding. a single gesture can help to make a point. I was working something in but the gesture made it clear how rejected I felt. Then I went RIGHT back to being playful and pleasent. No grudges. This quickly lead to getting my needs met. Agian, without a word about it. I'd be an idiot not to pounce on the hint.

 

Hmm... Yea... Sometimes you talk so much that in the end you just got to "do it". and realise it's been "just worrying". When you can be having fun instead. Talking someone into that in the first place? There's the trick to it.

You lost me when you went down a different tangent. If you see to a response above I stated that I was the one who was wrong and mislead this individual by making them think I could engage in something I could not but thank you for your response.

[ge****]

1 hour ago, Taramafor said:

How can you be anything other then who you are? It's just not possible. That statement is a logical fallacy. You can't just stop being you. "Accepting more" doesn't stop you being yourself. "Rejection" can make you feel like you're not yourself though. I went through that in the past. What a lie it was. Getting the idea?

 

People struggle. It happens. But that's exactly why you're being you in that situation. Let's call it "learning". Or "adapting". The "kickstart" can be the hardest part.

 

Some people can chicken out on kickstarts. Before improving on what is done. This leads to being... incapable. Weak and pathetic even. Let's not sugarcoat this. Also got to know what you're working with. But what if fleeing easily and not checking in enough is why you have nothing to work with?

 

I actually had a conversation like that with someone yesterday. Went well. They know full well they can ACTUALLY try instead of just saying it. I don't need to beat a dead horse with a stick (they been doing it enough themselves. I pick up on when people wallow). Just going to focus on positives. And if they pull the same stunt again I'll just talk forevermore until they learn to talk to me about how we can both improve on what we do. I think they learned that lesson already. So I don't expect a repeat of it. Got to check in more.

 

Checking in. Biiiiiig factor. Keep improving on what is done. Btw, sex talks. Important. Roeplay talks. Important. Don't shy away from big scary topics. Otherwise people can get confused and not know what to do. It's not that you stop being "yourself". It's the "uncertainty". That leads to "dread". Counter that with communication. Even if someone complains a lot. Can't move forward if you don't talk. can't move forward if you don't get through the first topic. Be clear in regards to your wants/needs and exchange ideas (or keep giving them) until you get there. Perosnally, can keep giving idea after idea. Even enjoy it. But getting that open mind first, you know. Ask for that open mind first. Sometimes I just need to "see" it. If someone has clearly been confused then that's a good opportunity. If someone says "I don't see" and "Both eyes shut" then that says it all. It's my golden ticket. They know they're blind then. Perfect. I can work with that. Suddenly being blind is a GOOD thing. Huh...

 

In their own words, they want to find their own answers. But let's be realistic. You can't read my mind either. That's why I mentioned the "how" of things earlier. What they really mean is "I want to do my own actions." And perhaps to be asked more. I picked up on that easily.

 

I'm totally bragging. But hey, I'm also sharing what's proven to work. Can you detect these subtile signs yourself when it's with others? How good are your own observation skills? Can you point out to someone "This is what's on your mind isn't it" and be right about it more often then not? If I'm right I'm right. If you're right then you're right. Why have a *** of that? Only people afraid of being proven wrong would be afraid of that.

 

Afraid or not it's happening. ONE of us is right or BOTH of us are right in this situation when someone has concerns. Unless neither of us are for some reason. Also possible. Turns out somoene was on the older Battlefornt 2 instead of the newer one when they wanted to play it with me. Two different games completely.

 

So, let's examine this for a moment. In ANY situation, either ONE of you is right, BOTH of you are right or NEITHER of you are right. This seems to apply to all concerns. Cross reference with each other. Find the answers.

 

Catch 22: Sometimes answers are only found through action. Perhaps in this situation arrange "My way. Your way. Our way." Could start at "our", Could start at "Mine then yours" before "ours". All depends. I tend to find the "Just your way" approch leads to the other person not enjoying things as much as they could. But if they're persistent in their own comzort zones then letting them do that first could lead to my way then our way. With them being more open to newer things. This way it lets them figure out that what they thought they would enjoy might not be what is enjoyed as they thought it would be. Turns out "our way" is the right way.

 

Oh, one more thing. Talk about "good intentions". If for example somoene does something for you that you said you'll like, it might have been something you needed "right now". When you might have been more focused on them. For example.

 

Hopefully that makes sense. I've got only my interactions with others to draw upon. But it seems to pan out regardless of who. "I do your things. But let's do mine too." How can you "flow" with each other and work things in? I can get someone to enjoy something they were intolerant off quickly without a single word. Not kidding. a single gesture can help to make a point. I was working something in but the gesture made it clear how rejected I felt. Then I went RIGHT back to being playful and pleasent. No grudges. This quickly lead to getting my needs met. Agian, without a word about it. I'd be an idiot not to pounce on the hint.

 

Hmm... Yea... Sometimes you talk so much that in the end you just got to "do it". and realise it's been "just worrying". When you can be having fun instead. Talking someone into that in the first place? There's the trick to it.

Whoa!! You've gone off at a whole other tangent and whilst you make some good points, I think you missed mine - which is that we all compromise at times, and sometimes yes we do lose sight of ourselves and become something that we're not - for the sake of others, to keep the peace and a myriad of other reasons. Sometimes we're in situations where there is no easy way out other than to act in ways that may be alien to us - and it's situations like that where we decide to compromise for whatever reason.

Yes, communication is key, but communication is a two way thing that takes both speaking and listening and when one or other of those involved is not able or willing to do both, then you have three choices - accept, compromise or walk away. And while it may be easy to say just walk away, that's not *always* possible either - so you either accept the situation, or compromise and in both of those instances you may not be being true to yourself, and therefore not being who you truly are.