First steps when messaging a Dom

[Ri****]

I agree with a lot of the other comments he received, you got out lucky. I am a long time down with a low-key approach. Getting acquainted between a Dom and sub is not all that different from dating. A lot of emphasis is placed and sex in kink relationships, but that’s far from all that’s involved. Respect is as important as in a traditional relationship. There has to be trust. For many of us this is all about trust and about the deep intimacy possible in a D/s arrangement. Bottom line, protect yourself and proceed at a pace it’s comfortable for you.

[Deleted Member]

I am slightly shocked at how amazing this community is and at how ridiculous naïve I have been about it all. I blame porn.. 😄 But in all seriousness, literally every single post here has made me understand this world a little bit better. I'm still feeling lousy, but these words have either caressed my heart or given me a slight slap on the head (as in: use your brain for god's sake..😆). Thank you thank you and thank you for all the tips on how to get better informed. Trust me, I will take them on before I do anything else. Lesson learned. 

[ge****]

56 minutes ago, Kaja000 said:

I am slightly shocked at how amazing this community is and at how ridiculous naïve I have been about it all. I blame porn.. 😄 But in all seriousness, literally every single post here has made me understand this world a little bit better. I'm still feeling lousy, but these words have either caressed my heart or given me a slight slap on the head (as in: use your brain for god's sake..😆). Thank you thank you and thank you for all the tips on how to get better informed. Trust me, I will take them on before I do anything else. Lesson learned. 

Don't feel lousy - we were all newbies once and still are to an extent as you can never know everything and it's a continual learning process, both about yourself and the lifestyle no matter how long you've held an interest or how you came to hold it.

Sadly there are a lot of very dangerous people out there and it's not always easy to spot them, even to someone experienced, so don't blame yourself or beat yourself up about it - as you say it's a lesson learned and no real harm has come from it thankfully apart from a little dented pride.

[charlias]

2 hours ago, Kaja000 said:

I am slightly shocked at how amazing this community is and at how ridiculous naïve I have been about it all. I blame porn.. 😄 But in all seriousness, literally every single post here has made me understand this world a little bit better. I'm still feeling lousy, but these words have either caressed my heart or given me a slight slap on the head (as in: use your brain for god's sake..😆). Thank you thank you and thank you for all the tips on how to get better informed. Trust me, I will take them on before I do anything else. Lesson learned. 

Don't feel bad. Have a shooft at some kink literature. Not 50 shades of grey. Something instructional. There'll be a bulky section on safety and it'll also it give you a chance to learn about kinks you may wish to explore.

[Deleted Member]

13 hours ago, Kaja000 said:

I have been on this site for 3 days now and feel already like I have gone through the wars. My profile is very blank a) because I am absolutely new to all of this and simply don't know what I will enjoy and b) because I wanted to simply have a look around. All it says it's that I'm a complete beginner. Perhaps the first mistake? Now I've had lots of messages but only engaged in two of them properly. In the first case it turned out very quickly that we simply had different expectations which was met with me being told that I will do the wrong thing by not going for him. Punch in the stomach no. 1. The second Dom however really made me think twice. I read his profile and was truly scared of all the things he listed there, but the more we messaged the more liked him and I even started to trust him a little bit. He seemed like a good guy. And then it got very intense very quickly. The questions he asked, the things he made me confess, it was like a vortex I was being sucked into. I enjoyed it, yes but at the same time I told him about fantasies I had never admitted to anyone and every big one was accompanied by me feeling absolutely ashamed of myself. I told him this and not once did he stop or console me, just kept going. And I kept going too. Mistake no. 2? 

I could not get enough from him, I thought about him all day and night long. So we talked about meeting up. At first he said it was just to get to know each other with no other plans for the night and that was what I needed. A very slow approach. Some hours later he suddenly said that his condition for the meeting was that we kept the chance open for something minorish to happen. Well see, this is the level of my beginnerism, I can't even say the word blowjob. Anyway. This shook me. It might seem like a small thing to you guys, but the main issue was that he went against what he had said before. So if he might not stick to what he says, how can I trust him? After a lot of debating with myself I agreed. Mistake no. 3? 

And then came the night after. I woke up in the middle of the night with this thought: why did he ask me about my favourite drink? So he can order it and put something in it? 

I had spoken to my best friend about it all and she had told me to not go further as I don't know him, so I'm sure this had to do with this, but more importantly, I obviously don't trust him. 

So this morning I told him all this and in a very unhelpful way told him that I can't go any further with him. Now I know this is a very stupid to go about it, but what I needed to hear from him was that I was right and that we should just keep it to getting to know each other first with absolutely no further obligations. What I needed was reassurance and a hug. What I got was the second punch in my stomach. He told me he wasn't buying it and that I was a waste of time and attention. I am still reeling from this. He actually hurt me. And yet I cannot help but think that I made this happen. That I didn't communicate correctly with him or mislead him. I really tried to make him understand how overwhelming all of this was for me and yet I went along with most of his impulses. 

So as you can imagine I'm pretty close to giving up. I'm not here to play with other people's minds or time and I don't seem to be what is expected here. But I needed to get this off my chest just to make sense of it all and if nothing else you now have the little tale of a complete beginner subs experiences with communicating here. Slightly long post, apologies, but grateful for any comment on what the heck that was! 

I think you met one of many people who want the sexual side but no responsibility. They are not what the true meaning of Dom is.

You being sucked into a vortex I would say is a natural phase for someone new to go into. Because it’s what you crave , it’s your deepest desires. You haven’t yet had the chance to quench those desires so you are thirsty for them. 

I to have been there at the beginning, and perhaps not quite out of it.

A good true respectful Dom will recognise this and nurture you through it. Keep things grounded. Not exploit it and use it o their advantage.

Use this experience to learn from, that’s all it is a learning step. There are a lot of people out there like that. But then you will meet a good one . 

I have met a gem , I am thankful every day. He is kind supportive , very responsible with my feelings. So great at communicating and ensuring I feel him approachable to discuss anything and everything .

They are out there 😊 xx

[Ae****]

Horrible experience. Happens. Rest, regroup, keep going. There are good people around :) have to wade through a lot of bad ones. You'll learn the red flags and how to start emotionally and physically safe with experience and some research.

[Ae****]

*stay emotionally and physically safe

[Ar****]

I think the brunt of what you needed to hear has been said already. But if it wasn't clear, you did nothing wrong, gave off no false signals, and escaped some situations which likely would have turned out quite badly. You say your profile doesn't say a lot, but it DOES say that you are looking for friends and BDSM lovers - nothing else. That seems pretty clear cut, an indisputable boundary. Any suitor who presses for more than you are ready and willing to offer/share is not showing you even the most basic level of respect that you deserve, and is a danger to be binned off.

[TheBookCollector]

I agree with most of the above in that you actually found a way to identify those only interested in meeting thier needs rather than meeting your needs.

Any reasonable dominant would have agreed to put the brakes on and reassured you that what you where feeling was understandable.

Be wary of anyone who wants to do more than talk on a first meeting, wants to meet in a non-public place or wants to alter the conditions of the meeting at the 11th hour.

There are plenty of decent dominants out there, just be patient and try and take regular steps back and understand why this person is in your head so much when you havent met.

[Leisa]

Please don’t give up. Someone once said to me you have to really talk to 25 before you find the right one. I’m not talking the rude one off messages or I would have met the right one eons ago. I’m talking more than the hello, how are you stage. I’m talking about intimate (not sexual) sharing to establish whether there are commonalities in life as well as in kink. You should always establish a friendship first and foremost. I still make missteps but as long as I’m learning from them it’s a growing *** of getting to know someone. Hang tight. You’ll get what you’re seeking just be prepared to weed through those not looking for the same things or the ones who are that you find there is no chemistry in once you delve deeper.

[Deleted Member]

Wow.. I’m sorry you went through this. It’s definitely not your fault. Sometimes when you want something so bad your judgement is off a little. At no point should a Dom or anyone make you feel uncomfortable. If you start to feel uncomfortable and have any kind of doubt it’s good to pull back. If the Dom your talking too doesn’t respect that. Then their not for you. No matter how many intense conversations you have.