Consent misconceptions

[Cu****]

I have read with interest many of the forum posts on here, some from newbies starting out, some from more experienced people.

 

For the most part the idea of consent is well defined within the lifestyle. However, some prey on inexperienced newbies with statements that are conflicting within this consent definition. 

Simply put, no play, no punishment, nothing happens without consent to any partner in the dynamic. Mostly this is more directed at subs.

 

1. Nothing without your say so.

2. No means no, unless it is within an agreed upon scenario, then a safe word should be employed and respected.

3. You may be a sub but you are only sub to who you choose. This means that anyone who says to you,  you are a sub i can do as i please, has not sought your consent. In vanilla terms this is ***. That does not change here.

4.  Dont ignore your base instinct.  If it doesnt feel right its not right. You can stop it. If it does not stop see point 3.

 

There are a couple of authors that, quite frankly, scare me with what they say and how they say it.

These comments include variations upon coercive strategies where your concerns are brushed over, and are often accompanied by you are not a real sub if you dont....

Coercive strategies are often tools used by ***rs to break down a subject mentally, emotionally and ultimately physically. These are also tools used to break down the self esteem of the person chosen.  'If you were a better sub you would...' 

Another comment that raised my hackles was 'no doesn't mean no if I don't allow it'. This isnt exactly the best way to develop a working dynamic. If a sub is afraid to say no, then they are not safe.

 

Safe, sane, consensual. 

 

[Deleted Member]

Brilliantly written . My other half learnt alot from reading this piece. Thanks alot @Curvygirl1 x

[Mrsg21]

This is brilliant.
I've had to block someone who wasn't listening to what I was saying to him.

[meretrixV2]

Consent isn't just consent, consent is informed, its voluntary and it's enthusiastic. This can be a sticking point here a lot of the time. Also as a sub it's vital to remember consent is a two way street and no one's consent is more important than the others

[Deleted Member]

Consent sometimes alone isn't even enough, an important point many miss especially new folk is fully informed consent, as does one always know what they are consenting too, and also it should be always enthusiastic consent. No *** of any crossed wires or confusion this way. 

[Deleted Member]

Great that someone is writing down the old school norms and values here. Anxiety blocks everyday life and behavior. Express your ***s, it prevents a lot of misery, especially in this community.

[Deleted Member]

Great points you make curvy girl more newbie subs need to read this.
Trust respect honesty understanding and consent needs to be there on both sides of the dynamic there are to many stories of newbie subs having bad experience because of opportunistic Dom's.
I hope this thread will help reduce the casual

[ge****]

The problem is many read "submissive" and see "weak" or "lesser", and that applies to both sides of the equation - many submissives think that because they are submissive they don't have a voice or aren't allowed to use it, and so end up blindly doing as they are told because they think they have to *because* they're submissive - now sometimes that may be because they've been led to believe that is how it should be, sometimes it's lack of knowledge or being informed, sometimes a mix of the two, or other misconceptions/perceptions they may hold.

Truth is that each and every submissive *should* have a voice and feel able to use it, even within an agreed dynamic - they have the absolute right to give consent and to take it away at *any* point - if they don't then something is very wrong.

Personally I see submissives and dominants as equals, just on opposite sides of the same coin and any dominant that thinks otherwise will not be compatible with me, let alone be trusted with my submission. Yes, when I give myself, I hand over control, and place my trust in the person I am handing it to, and within agreed boundaries and limits will follow that control to the letter, but I also retain my right to take that control back at any time I choose if I am not comfortable.

[Ri****]

Very well said. Thanks for sharing.

[Leisa]

Great piece Curvy. I think for a lot of subs, especially new subs, they are unsure of where consent stops and perceived disobedience begins.

[as****]

Does this only apply to BDSM? Because I'm pretty sure after reading this that I'm stuck in a non-consentual and abusive relationship with my government. Particularly now with covid.