Is it the kiss of death ?

[Cruxdom]

I am asking,particularly the women,if you know a person is interested in play,sex and a dynamic...if your lust object says a sexual dynamic is out of the question because the person wants you for a "" friend" which I have found means the person finds you unattractive but doesn't want to hurt the other persons feelings.I have had this happen to me several times.Am I off base with this?I'm sorry to say it's caused quite a bit of bitterness on my part.Id appreciate carefully considered responses.Ty for reading this?

[qu****]

For me it just means you're not seen as sexually desirable, on my part, I've always been viewed as a brother not a lover, annoying? Yes, frustrating? Yes, but it is what it is, and personally I realised this many years ago now anyways, so no longer really bothers me

[BigPolly]

It doesn’t necessarily mean the other person finds you unattractive we just don’t all click with each other. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you it’s just human nature we can’t all fancy everybody.
Also some people are only looking for friendship or a playmate some people (like myself) aren’t looking for a relationship.
The profile is normally a good guide and if it shows that someone is looking for a relationship but they tell you they want you for a friend that’s really kind way of simply saying they don’t feel you fit together.
Ask yourself ‘Do you fancy every single person?’ I’m pretty sure you don’t but that doesn’t mean to say anything’s wrong with the people you don’t fancy.
Sometimes we may find people attractive to look at but when we start talking to them we find our personalities don’t match and again there’s nothing wrong with that.

[qu****]

I will add that I've met and become dear friends with two women, initially the first one started as fwb in effect, but this soon became just a close, platonic friendship, with the second, we became friends, yes, I hoped it may of became more, but it was apparent without talking about it that's all it would be, but without the first one the second wouldn't of happened, as, well she made me realise it was good to be just me, warts and all, so I'm lucky, I've ended up with two wonderful friends

[ge****]

Try looking at it this way Cruxdom - as you go about your daily business how many people do *you* find attractive? I'll venture it's maybe 20-30% (so 3 in 10 at most) - of that 20-30% once you get to know them a lot will be ruled out by you, for various reasons, so you'd maybe be left with 10 people (or 1 in 10 of the original figure) - now factor in how many of those 10 find you attractive and the number drops further.

Now of that original 100% there will of course be some that *you* don't find attractive enough to want to be involved with them sexually, but who you get on well with and make friends of.

So logically, as Polly suggests, you can't expect everyone to have an interest in you, just as they can't all expect you to be interested in them.

Yes, it's disappointing when you find someone attractive and they don't feel the same way but that's just human nature at work and you have to accept it happens and focus on finding those where the attraction is mutual.

N.B. The numbers I've used above are completely arbitrary and may of course vary wildly from person to person - but the underlying point remains the same regardless of whatever they are - no-one finds 100% of people attractive.

[Re****]

Some women just don't want to rattle your bones immediately! I find some suggest friendship first to get to know a person.
How can anybody teach anybody anything if they don't have alot of patience.
I would suggest accept the friendship, nature it and see where you end up.
Tortoise and hare race comes to mind. The hare rushed, got complacent and lost to the slow regular tortoise who plodded on at a regular pace and won.
I rest my care, lol plus its ***y heavy

[ge****]

11 minutes ago, sitonmyface2020 said:

Some women just don't want to rattle your bones immediately! I find some suggest friendship first to get to know a person.
How can anybody teach anybody anything if they don't have alot of patience.
I would suggest accept the friendship, nature it and see where you end up.
Tortoise and hare race comes to mind. The hare rushed, got complacent and lost to the slow regular tortoise who plodded on at a regular pace and won.
I rest my care, lol plus its ***y heavy

Whilst it's a fair point and *can* be the case - I think it needs to be balanced with not using that to take false hope that's held out for the tortoise winning in the end - as that can lead to even more disappointment and frustration that the friendship doesn't lead to anything more eventually.

[ey****]

I think no one really likes the words (to the effect of) "I see you as a friend" 

Hearing those words people fill in a blank to read it as "I ONLY see you as a friend" with the word only amplified, as if this is somehow bad, or lesser.

It doesn't necessarily mean they think they're unattractive or even don't want to hurt your feelings - there's just so many reasons why someone would want to be your friend but wouldn't want to be in a relationship, or fuck you, or whatever.

Usually.  Those words are a death knell to your desires.  And, that can be hard to take, especially if this is something that seems to happen frequently.  I totally get that.  

But a friend isn't a consolation prize and it's better to have a good friend than a bad lover.  

I do think there are a couple of traps to avoid.  The first is thinking you can change someone's mind - I mean, they might - that isn't impossible - but persistence is more likely to drive away someone who is a friend.

The other is around empathy - especially in what you do next. While it can suck that someone you had sexual or relationship hopes on doesn't return those feelings; it also kinda sucks if they then feel you only masqueraded as a friend because you wanted to fuck them.  Like, your feelings are important - but so are theirs

And, don't let a good friendship go to waste, for sure.  A good friend will outlast many bad dates and relationships that don't work out.

[Cruxdom]

I just want to add I have no trouble meeting women especially online but progressing to a physical dynamic is usually an issue.

[Ae****]

Sorry about your experience 😞

I think - forget a woman who says she wants you as a friend. Move on to other women who want the same thing you want. If it's hard to find that kind of person, look at yourself to see what needs to change.
Regarding bitterness - learn to meet your own emotional needs, then you will no longer worry about whether you have a woman or not. In general, do this. Life is happy when you're emotionally independent, in control of your happiness.

[GG****]

You've got plenty of responses, but I'll add my 2 cents and personal experiences. I've found it really easy to let people into my mind/heart, there may be initial attraction too, but there's this "spark" (I know eye roll) it's either there the first time we kiss or it isn't. I base my next steps entirely on that undefinable feeling, and I can't *** it even if I want to.

And I've wanted to! I still think about a man I dated for maybe 2-3 weeks several months ago, if I could've ***d myself to feel a connection I would've. Everything clicked, we had so many important things in common and we had such amazing times together, but there just wasn't a spark. So, I offered friendship genuinely wanting to keep him in my life because I believed we could be good friends and continue to have fun together. Maybe I could even help set him up with a friend, or be a wingwomen, or something, but I hurt him with my rejection and he wasn't interested in friendship which I understand and respect. Only you can make that kind of decision, to decide if the rejection sours the connection entirely.

And then there's all my previous relationships that had sparks, good chemistry and good times, but they weren't entirely fulfilling for one reason or another. So I moved on for my sake, maybe I'll never find mr. perfect, but I don't like the idea of settling.

So, the point I'm trying to make probably poorly is I hope you keep an open mind to friendship, but you've got to do what's best for you and the other person is just doing the same. You either both match, both want it, both enjoy it or one of you doesn't and it's up to that person to decide if they want to continue or change the dynamic or cut ties and then you can decide what's in your best interest.

Just to make sure I fully answered your question, is it the kiss of death to be offered friendship? It all depends on your own interpretation, but I think becoming someone's friend with the hope/intention of it becoming more intimate, is far fetched and puts you in a position to feel bitter because you'll put in some amount of effort and not feel you're being recognized for it. Either become a true friend because that person enriches your life or decline in order to protect yourself and your happiness.

[Cruxdom]

Yes that's what means..it also means the other person finds you unattractive...no " spark" ty GGirl

[Cruxdom]

GGirl I also want to add I'm " friends " with several women for various reasons on this site and IRL with no thought of anyone but friendship..

[RosesHaveThorns75]

To me friendship is a safety-valve to just check you out as a guy generally that we get on we communicate and can be trustworthy 🙏 without that basic premise your not getting into my circle let alone anything else 💀😬 in the past all the guys I've dated were friends 1st) but it still got tricky!! Being transgender my guy brain picks up on lots of stuff that my femme brain prefers not to see so it saves shedloads of Bs & wasted time too 🔥💀🔥 if you don't even want to consider being my friend it's implying alterior motives that your out to "hit & run" or somesuch which I work hard to avoid that sh*t 😬💀

Edited November 21, 2021 by Rock21RosesAndRopes
Missing parts

[Deleted Member]

Very interesting @Rock21RosesAndRopes ! I have started to wonder about the idea of going from friends to play partners. This has to do with the fact that I am not looking for a LTR, but 'just' for a long term play partner. So starting off as friends could be ideal, because as you say, you really get to know each other on a more neutral level and can then progress from there if it clicks. This way, both parties can feel safe and confident with each other. By the way, I am not implying that this is what the people were aiming for in your case @Cruxdom, but I for one can see how this could be a great starting point for more.