I think I'm done

[Deleted Member]

I'm going to whinge and whine. 

I'm just fed up of not getting anywhere in this lifestyle. 

A couple years ago, I served a pro Domme. Helped her set up a new dungeon. Gave her £2000 over 2 years. We became very good friends. She got herself a vanilla boyfriend and went berserk when I said I would have to start venture out more and blocked me. 

A couple weeks ago, I met another Pro Domme. Gave her £120 for a slave training event she was running. She cancelled. She made plans to do some one on one training. She cancelled each time at the last minute. I told her I'm done.

Before and in between, I've written to several Dommes to try and start "something". You know, introductory messages, got ignored, blown out and got nowhere. 

I've been to events, clubs, munches, got nowhere. 

I offered help at events and clubs when I saw adverts. Got ignored. 

I've offered to do photo shoots and filming with pro Dommes when they asked for slaves to attend. Got ignored. 

I've never felt so alone in this world. It must be me. But in vanilla world I'm well liked, so it can't be me. 

I got to leave this BDSM world, it's just full of getting nowhere fast and throwing *** away. 

So vanilla world it is then. 

Sad 🥺 

[Deleted Member]

I am really sorry, you feel that way! What I have read here time and time again however is that it can take a long time to find your right play partner. I guess patience is a true virtue here. But one tip: Don't make *** a part of this! This is about finding someone to have a good time with, not financing Events etc. I'd say if the other person starts talking about *** for things other than sexual services: run and don't look back. I wish you the best and hope you'll find your partner eventually! 🤗

[qu****]

No different to vanilla life, you can spend weeks chatting online, meet up, seemingly getting on, you wine and dine them, and, nothing. See, it's no different, it's just deemed acceptable in a vanilla sense and "get nowhere", but kink/fetish/BDSM there must be something wrong, in reality it's simply called LIFE, an ebb and flow of the tide of emotions, as for me, long ago I realised and accepted I'd be single, one of those things you just "know", but as I say that's LIFE

[Matttster]

I agree with both comments above. First, finding a partner (be it a Domme or a girlfriend) should not involve ***. You should not have to loan them ***. If someone is asking for *** as part of friendship, move on.

I also agree that finding someone in kink is not much different than in kink than in vanilla. You just need to find that person you connect with. It is not something that you can just make happen.

One other thing I may suggest is to not focus on Pro Domme’s. I would guess you just want someone Dominant that has similar interests.

I would suggest that you just keep on trying to meet people. Go to munches, get involved with your local community, get to know people and hopefully you will meet someone you click with.

[ey****]

I am really sorry to hear this

And sometimes it really can be a case of seemingly doing everything right and getting nowhere.   I think at the moment in particularly it is a lot harder because of the twists the pandemic throws up.

--

one thing about filming and photoshoots.  these can be difficult to get into without references - this doesn't necessarily mean the whole experience paradox; but that subs known to the Mistress/producer will always be looked at first, followed by those who have good references or demonstrable experience - it's well known that most subs get into filming for the play; so those who've already been booking sessions with, or otherwise known to, the Mistresses will always get first dibs.  

[Deleted Member]

You have met bad apples in my opinion and you have them everywhere, in every class of society, and the number is growing by the day. My advice, start low-threshold, and stay away from Findoms and pro Dommes. To them you are a pay pig, a disposable item. Falling and getting up is part of life.

[ey****]

Arguably; pro-dommes are least likely to see someone as disposable.   That a lot of the usual tropes of who-goes-to-see-a-Dominatrix are not that reliable or sustainable - it's the regular, loyal, submissives (or 'return clients') that are sought

But then just remembering of course you can meet probably as often or as seldom as you would like (something which suits a lot of subs) but of course each time there will be a tribute - and of course there's limitations on what can and can't be offered in the relationship. 

 

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, sweetlilac said:

I am really sorry, you feel that way! What I have read here time and time again however is that it can take a long time to find your right play partner. I guess patience is a true virtue here. But one tip: Don't make *** a part of this! This is about finding someone to have a good time with, not financing Events etc. I'd say if the other person starts talking about *** for things other than sexual services: run and don't look back. I wish you the best and hope you'll find your partner eventually! 🤗

I've spent 10 years or more learning, adjusting, reaching out and very little has happened. I've found people are fickle, pretentious, shallow and at worse, scammers and exploiters. 

 

 

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, quietlysure said:

No different to vanilla life, you can spend weeks chatting online, meet up, seemingly getting on, you wine and dine them, and, nothing. See, it's no different, it's just deemed acceptable in a vanilla sense and "get nowhere", but kink/fetish/BDSM there must be something wrong, in reality it's simply called LIFE, an ebb and flow of the tide of emotions, as for me, long ago I realised and accepted I'd be single, one of those things you just "know", but as I say that's LIFE

I actually find vanilla life different. Happier. I get matches, dates, repeat dates. Nothing successful yet. I've had the same in the BDSM world but on a very very much smaller scale. It's way too much hard work. I think there is a lot of scepticism in the BDSM world.

[ey****]

something of course to never rule out

it's often easier to meet people through vanilla circles and introduce them to kink, or what you like about it, then it is to sometimes navigate the kink minefield. 

[qu****]

I just speak from my personal experience, I find no difference between the two, with one exception, here you're taken for who you are and not judged, in vanilla I've found it vastly different, whether or not it leads to a meet is another matter, bit as I say it's just my personal experiences

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, Matttster said:

I agree with both comments above. First, finding a partner (be it a Domme or a girlfriend) should not involve ***. You should not have to loan them ***. If someone is asking for *** as part of friendship, move on.

I also agree that finding someone in kink is not much different than in kink than in vanilla. You just need to find that person you connect with. It is not something that you can just make happen.

One other thing I may suggest is to not focus on Pro Domme’s. I would guess you just want someone Dominant that has similar interests.

I would suggest that you just keep on trying to meet people. Go to munches, get involved with your local community, get to know people and hopefully you will meet someone you click with.

Yes I would like to meet someone dominant with similar interests.

I've done all that. I've tried. 

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, FreeUrMind said:

You have met bad apples in my opinion and you have them everywhere, in every class of society, and the number is growing by the day. My advice, start low-threshold, and stay away from Findoms and pro Dommes. To them you are a pay pig, a disposable item. Falling and getting up is part of life.

And sometimes you get back up and walk out.

[Deleted Member]

Sorry if I'm sounding a bit snappy. I know you all mean well and thank you. 

But, honestly, I've tried. I'm a nice guy, I know that much, despite my snappyness here. 

Sorry 😬

[qu****]

Nothing to apologise for, it's how you're feeling, nothing wrong with that, plus sometimes venting your spleen can help, otherwise it remains bottled up and festers, it's understandable

[Deleted Member]

26 minutes ago, quietlysure said:

Nothing to apologise for, it's how you're feeling, nothing wrong with that, plus sometimes venting your spleen can help, otherwise it remains bottled up and festers, it's understandable

Thank you! That's what I find lacking... understanding.

People are far too quick to see red flags, find fault, criticise etc. It all makes sense from what everyone is saying but I'm a rational guy and I just can't break into this world. That 2nd pro Domme I mentioned was the last straw, just last week. 

It's almost like I have 2 heads and I can't even see my 2nd head. 

Aaaaaaaargh! It's all bonkers! 

[so****]

Yo I feel ya man lol not only are "dommes/mistresses" bullshitty as all hell nowadays, but so are a surprising number of (female) subs. Seems like everyone is full of shit lol I mean omg, dude it's been so hard for me to make ANYTHING happen. I've been shit on by mistress after mistress & abandoned by sub after sub. But in my heart I'm just not vanilla. I'd never be happy in the vanilla world. So I'll just keep trying till I either die alone or finally find something that works? lol idk. Like I said in another forum post: don't get black pilled on this shit. Take the clown pill instead & just laugh at the absurdities while you wait. That's what I'm doing. Idk. Good luck though.

[charlias]

In terms of the vanilla to kink ratio of dates, the kink community is way smaller so that's to be expected, but just keep plugging. I'm on both a vanilla dating site and this and I know I'm in it for the long haul. I want to find the one and in my search, I've felt like giving up a few times but if i do... It'll never happen. I know it sucks but you gotta stay with it. Also look for the person, not the kink. That mindset changed my response rate for sure.

[ey****]

6 hours ago, Axlsub said:

People are far too quick to see red flags, find fault, criticise etc. It all makes sense from what everyone is saying but I'm a rational guy and I just can't break into this world. That 2nd pro Domme I mentioned was the last straw, just last week. 

I think there are sometimes folk with obvious red flags.   But, like, you seem - as you say - a bit more rational but understandably quite frustrated.

Like. It is actually difficult to find someone you really can click with - it is especially hard during covid times -  and I get the somewhat "what do I have to do?" thing some times - and - honestly, it might be best taking a deep breath, clearing your head and having a short break while you decide what to do next. 

I also get the concept of something being a seeming last straw.  A few years ago there was something daft happened - I was really struggling with a lot of stuff : at the time I'd felt a bit of a spectator on the local scene some people who I'd been talking to about doing stuff were either on their own breaks or had met someone and were wanting to enjoy that for a bit : I was strapped for cash for non-kink reasons which meant I couldn't book a pro session and filming had really dried up.  And literally, one day, there had been a guy I'd been talking to who was just using me as a sounding board for advice - and - one day I logged on and he'd deleted his profile.  It may seem trivial but it was enough that made me "what is the fucking point in it all?" 

The only thing I'd say about the second Pro Domme - if you like, you can PM me her name in confidence - but - there's a few ladies having their own struggles at the moment.  And - if it was £120 as part of a training group it probably relied on 3-5 people signing up - and to do something on a one-to-one basis may be a bit more difficult to make work.   Like when you consider that dungeons are £40-£50 hire, doing 2 hour training or something and putting petrol in the car is half a day gone for very little to show for it. 

[ey****]

1 hour ago, charlias said:

In terms of the vanilla to kink ratio of dates, the kink community is way smaller so that's to be expected,

I don't think people realise how small kink communities actually are.

People who are, to a degree, kinky are more widespread - but when you fish in kink lake, for obvious reasons, everything gets smaller.

That every caveat massively decreases each time... 

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, charlias said:

In terms of the vanilla to kink ratio of dates, the kink community is way smaller so that's to be expected, but just keep plugging. I'm on both a vanilla dating site and this and I know I'm in it for the long haul. I want to find the one and in my search, I've felt like giving up a few times but if i do... It'll never happen. I know it sucks but you gotta stay with it. Also look for the person, not the kink. That mindset changed my response rate for sure.

I've stayed with it for 10 years or more now. I've tried everything. Theres always one wrong word, one wrong step and boom!- you get blown out the water. It's ridiculous. 

I know women have an even harder time by being bombarded with speculative messages, it's overwhelming for them. So I stopped bothering them a couple years ago apart from the odd one here and there. 

[Deleted Member]

18 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I think there are sometimes folk with obvious red flags.   But, like, you seem - as you say - a bit more rational but understandably quite frustrated.

Like. It is actually difficult to find someone you really can click with - it is especially hard during covid times -  and I get the somewhat "what do I have to do?" thing some times - and - honestly, it might be best taking a deep breath, clearing your head and having a short break while you decide what to do next. 

I also get the concept of something being a seeming last straw.  A few years ago there was something daft happened - I was really struggling with a lot of stuff : at the time I'd felt a bit of a spectator on the local scene some people who I'd been talking to about doing stuff were either on their own breaks or had met someone and were wanting to enjoy that for a bit : I was strapped for cash for non-kink reasons which meant I couldn't book a pro session and filming had really dried up.  And literally, one day, there had been a guy I'd been talking to who was just using me as a sounding board for advice - and - one day I logged on and he'd deleted his profile.  It may seem trivial but it was enough that made me "what is the fucking point in it all?" 

The only thing I'd say about the second Pro Domme - if you like, you can PM me her name in confidence - but - there's a few ladies having their own struggles at the moment.  And - if it was £120 as part of a training group it probably relied on 3-5 people signing up - and to do something on a one-to-one basis may be a bit more difficult to make work.   Like when you consider that dungeons are £40-£50 hire, doing 2 hour training or something and putting petrol in the car is half a day gone for very little to show for it. 

No, I won't be passing on any names. Thanks though. 

It was a group thing she arranged. It got cancelled then 4/5 times after she cancelled the one on one thing after giving me the impression she was interested in training me for herself and her BDSM family. She even cancelled me after I dropped her off for a client on Friday at a dungeon. Said she'd text me when finished, then cancelled because she was having fun with someone else. I only found out because I texted her to see what time she wanted picking up. Then she arranged for Sunday. No time was given. 5pm I texted and she'd just got up after a "night shift". So I told her I'm done. 

Its all the same old story. It's unreasonable. It's narcissistic when they criticise me. And I've had my fill of narcissism from my ex wife. 

God! I'm venting a bit! 

Thanks again 

[ey****]

6 minutes ago, Axlsub said:

She even cancelled me after I dropped her off for a client on Friday at a dungeon. Said she'd text me when finished, then cancelled because she was having fun with someone else. I only found out because I texted her to see what time she wanted picking up. Then she arranged for Sunday. No time was given. 5pm I texted and she'd just got up after a "night shift". So I told her I'm done. 

ah yeah - this all feels shoddy. Nah - based on what you've said you're totally right to feel a little let down.  I'm with you. 

[Deleted Member]

5 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

ah yeah - this all feels shoddy. Nah - based on what you've said you're totally right to feel a little let down.  I'm with you. 

Like I say, it was the last straw. To be honest I was really pushing myself away from expecting disappointment, but my expectation was right, ... again.

[Matttster]

Axlsub, another thought occurred to me. You say you are meeting people in vanilla relationships. But are they what you need. You need to think about how important submittance is to you and your mentality.

I have known subs that have pushed it aside for marriage and “normal” life. But no matter how close they are to their spouse, there is something missing. To some people, submittance or dominance is part of who they are and to know that and not have it in their lives can be rough.

It’s hard enough for the submissives I have met who found kink after marriage and realize they have urges that cannot be met by their significant other.

So before you give up, you should decide if submittance is part of who you are, or is it something that you enjoy.