Struggling to stand out as a submissive

[Nikki_Hexy]

The title says it all about my struggles. I've been actively looking for a Domanant for years. But never found one that seems to take that special interest in me. You always get the advice of "they'll turn up" or "who wouldn't want you?" To which the answers seem to be they haven't turned up for years or apparently no one wants me. I'm wondering if its something i am doing wrong or somewhere i am failing?

I'm not getting any younger or sexier.  With age and going bald (thanks to being genetically male). 

What do Domanants actually look for?

Am i doing something wrong?

Am i just getting desperate? (Probably)

Am i just unwanted? 

[Danniu]

I may be able to help

[Nikki_Hexy]

How so?

2 minutes ago, Danniu said:

I may be able to help

 

[Cheekysub247]

Its very hard finding a match, i get tonnes of messages but the connection isnt always there even if there is a match on most things.
It really is a needle in a haystack x
Ive been told im too picky lol but if its not right its not right. Be who you are, it can take years unfortunately x

[li****]

I feel ya hexy!!! Took many years and many failed/abusive/toxic D/s relationships for me to finally find my Sir @Liam52 and it will happen hexy I promise!! You aren't doing anything wrong at all, don't ever change for anyone. 

[ge****]

You're 29 and still have your whole life ahead of you so put aside the "not getting any younger" thoughts - in fact to a degree your age *may* be against you currently, not saying it is, or it should be but it could be a factor, on a positive note though you're approaching the prime years 😊

I will say this though - if you're being true to yourself and your inner desires, and presenting both of then authentically to others, you're doing nothing wrong at all, you've just not encountered the right person for you yet.

Finding a relationship in this lifestyle is no different from finding any other kind of relationship, it's still based on attraction, connection, chemistry etc - just has the addition of a kink dynamic, but those other factors should always come first.

It's not easy either - I've had an interest in the lifestyle for as long as you have been alive, and still haven't had what I would truly call a D/s relationship, now part of that has been down to circumstance, or periods where I've not been looking etc - but in all that time there have been a mere handful of possibles too.

Don't give up hope, keep being authentically you and exploring the usual avenues (munches, kink events, sites like this etc) and whilst there are no guarantees you will at least be optimising your opportunities to find the right person for you.

[BigPolly]

Ok so ‘Do you think you’re doing something wrong?’ I’m pretty much guessing the answer to that is ‘No’ which would be the correct answer. You are who you are, you have your submission, your standards & your boundries set where you’d like them to be so it’s simply a case of finding that person to fit.

There is no magic wand (not a euphemism) or any magic words that can change things. We’ve all gone through that ‘ohh this feels right’ then they turn out not to be. 
Age is irrelevant, your hormones are irrelevant what is important is how you feel in yourself! Looking in the mirror & realising how amazing you are & sod everyone else….THAT is the magic as it changes how you feel about yourself & how unimportant seeking someone out is. Start realising your worth & other will see that too. THAT is what makes someone stand out from the crowd. 

Trying to change who you are, lowering your standards, accepting things that make you feel rubbish or worthless or collapses your self preservation lowers your worth & takes away the attraction.

Hang on in there, this journey isn’t over yet …

Edited September 29, 2021 by BigPolly

[so****]

Hey man, I'm almost 36 & I've yet to find my forever sub. I've never been in a vanilla marriage either, for that matter, nor have I had the privilege of being a parent. You are by no means alone lol Just don't get black pilled on this shit. Do like me & take the clown pill instead, & laugh at the absurdities while you wait lol it's a much healthier alternative.

[ey****]

I feel that

While overthinking sucks

Questioning yourself and if you're on the right track or where to improve isn't really a bad thing

That, sadly, there is no magic words or immediate solution - and while doing the same things and expecting different results seldom works - sometimes being consistent and present is a good thing

I met my first Mistress when I was 35. (and her longest serving sub met her when he was in his 60s)

If I've already met my second Mistress and we just don't know it yet then I'm 39.   

We don't lose value as we age in the way we might think we do.  If anything we just gain experiences which shape what we do. 

[Matttster]

Not finding your Top or bottom seems to be a common topic right now (probably always).

I would urge you to be you and keep at it. Don’t settle for something that does not fit.

Keep in mind that it can be difficult to find someone in a vanilla relationship. Finding someone compatible for a commitment. Now you are narrowing the field because you are kinky. That just adds to the complexity, so not only are you seeking a partner, but a Dominant one that respects you as a submissive/pet/other kinks.

As others have noted, you have a lot of life ahead of you. Keep on trying to meet people; attend munches, join kink chat groups, join virtual munches, etc. The more people you meet, the more likely you are to meet your someone.

[Deleted Member]

It's about fit, isn't it? I think every Dominant is looking some something slightly different, something special to them, and every sin likewise. Meanwhile we're all just wandering around hoping we bump into the one with the same image sellotaped to our foreheads so we can go SNAP!

Like someone said above, I think it helps if you know what's taped to your forehead - who are you? What are your wants? What are your needs? So that you can recognize that person who fits you when you meet them.

I don't know if this is at all helpful, but my approach has always been to cast the net as wide as I can and see what I catch. It means doing a lot of looking and ... I don't want to say discarding but you get the idea. Make sure you're putting yourself in lots of places to meet the one who will suit you (which I'm sure you are but just in case or for others).

[Psuedom]

Don't forget, the case of circumstance plays a big factor. I would happily have gotten closer to a plethora of submissives if it had been pragmatic to do so... Ignoring some of my own needs to do so (OK, so that makes me a man whore, but I own it). 

Part of the challenge I feel is how far are you willing to go as a team, rather than just as an individual. 

[Si****]

The past year and a half hasn’t helped most people feel like they have moved further. Chin up and get out there. When events start to open up, get along to them and get seen out and about. Enjoy your own kinks and style and let that attract the people around you. Don’t let your desire to have a Dom override you limits and expectations. Set the standards and Dom’s (the good ones) will respect you more for then and even find them refreshing.