Dear New Subs, yes you!

[CopperKnob]

You’ve moved from a sexual planet that has three kinds of flora and a couple of butterflies to one that has a new flower next to every tree. You want to give and give, try this and try that. Deference is your new best friend,  you want to become pliant. Do the opposite: find the roots of who you are. Spread them wide. Stand up strong. It’s only then that you’ll know how submission fits around your character and way of life. If you don’t know yourself intimately, you’ll say yes to anything.

BDSM can be full of light, but that kind of experience can only exist if you choose it. Let it choose you, and you might find yourself crawling into a traumatised ball, crying a river. Kink isn’t supposed to be a river that washes you away. It’s something you choose consciously and responsibly.

When I came across D/s, I was so desperate to give a Dom everything he wanted that I couldn’t see what I needed. I wanted to offer every ounce of submission, no matter the risk. That’s not submission. It’s compulsion, and it’s no good for you, your Dom or any damned one.

People will tell you to slow down. Listen to them.

There's a saying 'can't see the woods for the trees', it means being so blinkered, you can't see anything else. There's another saying 'sub frenzy'.

Kink was like that for me, standing in the woods, keen, eager to please. In the beginning, there were so many kinks and sensations that they all got lost in the landscape. I was so high on sub frenzy that I wanted to do every tiny thing that I stumbled on. Poly? Duck yes! Needles? Sure! Branding? Yes, sir! I was effectively blind to the kinds of play that would traumatise me or put me at risk.

If you're lucky you'll have a Dom who is selfless enough to hold you back. You might not be that lucky. So, sink your roots. Find out how D/s fits into your needs, especially if you’re dealing with chronic illness, mental health issues, and trauma. BDSM can eat you up if you’re not careful. It’s your future Dom’s right to get your willing/informed/enthusiastic consent, but right now, you probably want to say yes to everything. That puts you and your Dom at risk.

Read all you can about consent. It will keep you safe. Meet other subs. Do classes and play parties before you throw yourself into a D/s relationship. You’ll feel your roots sprout and the ground beneath you become stable. You’ll grow into your limits and learn about everything you shouldn’t do. When kink is a choice you make rather than something that chooses you, you’ll be able to stand strong.

Dear new subs, I get it, everythings about instant gratification, it's exciting, exhilarating and you want it all but please, stop posting kinky ads telling everyone you're new and looking for a D type to do x y and z to you, it's dangerous for both you AND the D type!!

[Ch****]

So well said. I love your writing ✍

[Deleted Member]

Brilliant post, thank you for sharing my lady x

[Deleted Member]

Well spoken, and some heartfelt advice to any newbie. Every novice should, as in the past, have a mentor to avoid trauma.

[SophieSubSlut11]

I’m gonna need you to either write a book or become my friend so we can speak at length about these topics haha. Another great one x

[CopperKnob]

1 hour ago, SophieSlut11 said:

I’m gonna need you to either write a book or become my friend so we can speak at length about these topics haha. Another great one x

Well, I don't have time for a book 😂

[SophieSubSlut11]

36 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

Well, I don't have time for a book 😂

Hahaha okay I’m gonna have to make you my friend then. What’s your fav colour? 😂

[CopperKnob]

6 minutes ago, SophieSlut11 said:

Hahaha okay I’m gonna have to make you my friend then. What’s your fav colour? 😂

Ooo, i love a bit of teal

[Deleted Member]

Very sensible, informative advice. Amen *** 🙌🏻

[Sophie58]

CopperKnob, I hope you know how much us newbies appreciate your writing. You’ve made me laugh, feel understood and supported, and I’ve received great advice. Thank you darling! 😘🙏

[CopperKnob]

7 hours ago, Sophie58 said:

CopperKnob, I hope you know how much us newbies appreciate your writing. You’ve made me laugh, feel understood and supported, and I’ve received great advice. Thank you darling! 😘🙏

Its only what i would have wanted to read when i was new but im glad youve found them useful

[Pumpkin0120]

I love this very well said. A true Dom/Domme will help you set limits that you didn’t know you had. BDSM/submission chose me for the longest time because of a trauma that happened to me when I was 18. But now I am setting limits for myself if I am the slightest bit uncomfortable. The joy it brings me and the amount of fake Dom/Dommes that I’ve ran into and avoided I couldn’t tell you. Do your research before you just start submitting because BDSM can be very light and it can also be extreme. Know your body and what you can handle and any real Dom/Domme will help you find these limits and will respect your hard limits.

[Sophie58]

1 hour ago, Pumpkin0120 said:

I love this very well said. A true Dom/Domme will help you set limits that you didn’t know you had. BDSM/submission chose me for the longest time because of a trauma that happened to me when I was 18. But now I am setting limits for myself if I am the slightest bit uncomfortable. The joy it brings me and the amount of fake Dom/Dommes that I’ve ran into and avoided I couldn’t tell you. Do your research before you just start submitting because BDSM can be very light and it can also be extreme. Know your body and what you can handle and any real Dom/Domme will help you find these limits and will respect your hard limits.

I’m so sorry for your trauma at 18. Most of us endured *** at some level. I love your comment. Boundaries can be hard to set for us subs. Im working on it too. Amen ***! 😘

[Pumpkin0120]

14 minutes ago, Sophie58 said:

I’m so sorry for your trauma at 18. Most of us endured *** at some level. I love your comment. Boundaries can be hard to set for us subs. Im working on it too. Amen ***! 😘

I’m here if you ever need a listening ear love. Us Subs gotta stick together

[Sophie58]

Honestly? I just joined this site a few weeks ago and never expected the level of compassion, community and support I’ve experienced. It has really touched my heart. Message me if you would like to be friends.

[RAMB]

I dont know what it is like to be a sub

[Catsailor69]

CK this is SUCH sage and wise advice that I DO agree with.
As an experienced Dominant, I progress patiently with a new submissive. I find it honorable and right to do. Many have approached me offering to do anything that I want. Telling me they will do anything. That’s when I realize it’s time to educate them with knowledge of different aspects of the lifestyle and then we negotiate. I insist that we use a traffic light communication just as a minimum beginning until we both become aware of the many aspects of their physical, emotional and sensual responses and limits. We explore together, what the submissive desires with my being most aware of their least signs of non verbal communication and pace things so that they know and develop an appreciation and understanding of the different aspects of our lifestyle.
It’s not always the submissive, it to can be the Dom that go all out and without being considerate of the person that is trusting them.
Dynamics with a known and experienced submissive is different. But recklessness on both sides can and is something dangerous when not being considered. I do agree with you about that.

[sexwith-aghost13]

I agree with this! If you are brand new do not jump into finding a dominant. Ask others to be educated, google, etc. Before finding a dom, play partner, partner, etc you need to educate yourself first, figure out what you would like to try and most importantly learn about safe, sane and consensual. However, everybody is always gonna be new at some point so at some time in a newbies life they are gonna have to figure out what they like and advertise it. All newbies are gonna have to figure out what they want eventually and explore partners by themselves. So that being said, it depends on when you feel ready enough to go out there. I would say wait at least a year to figure everything out first and then venture out but don't jump deep into the ocean just dip your toes. If you find out that you do like it, put your feet in but never just jump in. Be careful in who you choose as a partner!! That is the most important part! I feel like as a newbie never be afraid to ask questions :)

[Deleted Member]

On 10/6/2021 at 8:33 AM, CopperKnob said:

You’ve moved from a sexual planet that has three kinds of flora and a couple of butterflies to one that has a new flower next to every tree. You want to give and give, try this and try that. Deference is your new best friend,  you want to become pliant. Do the opposite: find the roots of who you are. Spread them wide. Stand up strong. It’s only then that you’ll know how submission fits around your character and way of life. If you don’t know yourself intimately, you’ll say yes to anything.

BDSM can be full of light, but that kind of experience can only exist if you choose it. Let it choose you, and you might find yourself crawling into a traumatised ball, crying a river. Kink isn’t supposed to be a river that washes you away. It’s something you choose consciously and responsibly.

When I came across D/s, I was so desperate to give a Dom everything he wanted that I couldn’t see what I needed. I wanted to offer every ounce of submission, no matter the risk. That’s not submission. It’s compulsion, and it’s no good for you, your Dom or any damned one.

People will tell you to slow down. Listen to them.

There's a saying 'can't see the woods for the trees', it means being so blinkered, you can't see anything else. There's another saying 'sub frenzy'.

Kink was like that for me, standing in the woods, keen, eager to please. In the beginning, there were so many kinks and sensations that they all got lost in the landscape. I was so high on sub frenzy that I wanted to do every tiny thing that I stumbled on. Poly? Duck yes! Needles? Sure! Branding? Yes, sir! I was effectively blind to the kinds of play that would traumatise me or put me at risk.

If you're lucky you'll have a Dom who is selfless enough to hold you back. You might not be that lucky. So, sink your roots. Find out how D/s fits into your needs, especially if you’re dealing with chronic illness, mental health issues, and trauma. BDSM can eat you up if you’re not careful. It’s your future Dom’s right to get your willing/informed/enthusiastic consent, but right now, you probably want to say yes to everything. That puts you and your Dom at risk.

Read all you can about consent. It will keep you safe. Meet other subs. Do classes and play parties before you throw yourself into a D/s relationship. You’ll feel your roots sprout and the ground beneath you become stable. You’ll grow into your limits and learn about everything you shouldn’t do. When kink is a choice you make rather than something that chooses you, you’ll be able to stand strong.

Dear new subs, I get it, everythings about instant gratification, it's exciting, exhilarating and you want it all but please, stop posting kinky ads telling everyone you're new and looking for a D type to do x y and z to you, it's dangerous for both you AND the D type!!

Brilliantly written as always. I'm starting to think anyone joining this site as a Dom or sub should have to pass an interview with you first before being allowed a profile.... You always talk such sense, which is sadly lacking with so many on here.  Thank you for all your insights and advice X 

[E-dUbBs]

All subs inexperienced or brand spanking new (pun intended) need to read this and take heed

[Deleted Member]

A lot of this pertains to new Doms/Tops as well. As you said, new people come in thinking they can do everything all at once and it's unrealistic an unsafe. Finding oneself and establishing roots is the only way to proceed. 

 

 

[ac****]

Hey 🤭

[Es****]

How does one establish roots?

[ey****]

52 minutes ago, Escalon8503 said:

How does one establish roots?

this is answered in the original post

some of the problems subs get themselves into is being too quick/blind to do anything rather than establishing their own wants and needs, or proactively researching, often independently

this tends in M/f for a femsub to often be somewhat taken advantage of, or get into situations they should really say no to - but through naivety or eagerness end up in

for F/m then the male sub can be similar - but more often than not, Dominants just aren't interested because they're being seen as just an experiment, especially critically when it's with a stranger.

[Heavymetalbunny]

Hi! I'm a fairly new sub (been trying to research for a few years but I've only had one partner who had no clue what to do) 

On the opposite side of this, any advice to those of us who want a d type but are absolutely terrified to bring out that "eagerness"? I would love to some day find a long term d type that I love and trust but it's genuinely so scary to look for one. 

For context, any d type I have talked to (here and other places) just jumps right out the gate with honorifics and asking to meet up for just sex. I personally feel like there should be more connection there. Or am I just super traditional?

Edited September 15, 2024 by Heavymetalbunny