Dear Doms, Yes You!

[CopperKnob]

"Are you a real submissive?"

I get this question A LOT from Doms. Or at least variations of it, like this one:

"You come across as sarcastic and dismissive, do you calm down eventually, when you're comfortable?"
        
Or this one:

"Oh, you think you're one of those alpha submissives LOL"

Quite frankly it leaves a rancid taste in my mouth each time I see this type of question/statement pass through my inbox. But, I'd like to give my take on strong submissives, if I may (it's rhetorical 🤦‍♀️)

Being a strong submissive

Being submissive, to me, is a sexual orientation. It’s what I prefer and what my body naturally responds to. It’s tough to be sexual without it.

Being strong and independent are developed personality types and a choice most of us have had to maketo survive.

Making sense so far? Okay,

So, who I submit to is a choice but, I don’t consider the need I have to submit, to be a choice.

That ☝️creates a strong submissive. It’s actually pretty ***y common!

Who I submit to receives my strength and that’s a big deal for me because there’s a lot of it.

I don’t want to dampen it down for them. I don’t want to pretend that I don’t clap back, that I can’t take care of myself, that I can’t lead.

Because I can and I want them to love those things about me because, whilst I can lead myself, it's because I consider Him to be so strong and so capable, that I want HIM to lead ME.

My strength/independence etc is , for want of a better word, a 'gift'. And I love to give it to someone who can handle it.

And sometimes it may take them a long time to decide if they want it. Because it’s a lot. I’m a lot. And that’s okay.

That’s called THEM vetting ME. That’s called taking this shit seriously. That’s called seeing me as a complete person.

That’s what we're looking for. Someone who takes us seriously because they take themselves seriously. They don’t need a servant. They need a partner. And so, later, when that partner also serves them, it’s a blinking love language.

So, before you ask another submissive whether they're actually submissive because you aren't getting that vibe from them:

Consider why you see strength and submission as incompatible/not belonging alongside one another.

Consider if you’re, in reality, incapable of working within the boundaries they clearly state to you.

Consider if maybe, you’re not at the point in your life that you want or need the insanely beautiful fire they have to offer you.

Consider if your own insecurities are causing you to try to, passive aggressively, assert dominance.

But, for the love of God, don’t think that being strong or independent etc makes them anything less than an amazing submissive human being.

If that isn’t for you right now, that’s great. But, I assure you, it’s entirely possible to be both strong and submissive.

[Deleted Member]

I personally love strong independent women and you are completely right it is the whole package that is important not just the submissive part of a person.

[Deleted Member]

So true, very well said

[Deleted Member]

This describes exactly me, and articulates exactly how I feel. Another great piece 👍

[Leisa]

I don’t think I could have said it better. Great job. Up until recently I considered myself a very strong submissive until I realized I have a bit of a dominant side and after reflection have come to the conclusion that I’m a switch who just happens to be alpha. That doesn’t mean that if the right Dom came along I would not choose that path because I have and would again. If I were to meet a Dom who had the capabilities of handling all of me and embracing that than I could easily see myself switching that way again but he’d have to be incredibly strong not to feel like I was trying to usurp his authority but was looking for a partner. Someone who I chose to give the gift of all of me but strong enough to stand on my own if he’s not there at my back. Submission is a gift to be cherished, not a state of being to be demanded. After only finding those demanding submission did I choose to follow my dominate side.

[StickyTrickster]

As frustrating as it may feel for people to question whether you’re a submissive, on the flip side it is a great sign you’ve dodged a bullet.

Of course submission doesn’t mean weakness.  Submission is following or serving someone or something else.

Superman serves the people of Earth/Metropolis/the rule of law, a bodyguard serves and protects another person, the police (in theory if not always in practice) are meant to serve the laws and protect the people, the romantic fantasy of a knight in shining armour served and protected mi’lady.  All are examples of strong individuals serving the rules laid out by others.

Too often those that equate submissiveness with weakness believe in conquering via superior ***.  The mindset of a bully and potential ***r.  They believe submission is something to be taken rather than given.

The people that follow you reflect upon the quality of the person that leads them.  A strong and independent submissive doesn’t just need to be led but anyone but has chosen to specifically follow that particular dominant.

Regardless of dominance and submission being with someone that is independent enough to be able to leave at any time they choose is a blessing, for you know that every step they take with you they do because they want to and wouldn’t want to be anywhere else – not because they have to out of dependence to you.

The world is full of lazy thinking to debunk.  Submission doesn’t mean dependent.  Being nice doesn’t mean being weak and not enforcing personal boundaries etc.

Anyway I’m going to have to stop reading your posts for a few days – the frequency that they resonate with some part of me that then wishes to respond makes it look like I’ve got nothing else to do.    Glances at big to do list and dreams of a parallel world where I have genuinely nothing else to do!

Edited October 8, 2021 by StickyTrickster
Formatting

[we****]

So well put. When I meet a dominant personality with the right energy for my submissive side, I’m just submissive.

We learn to lead to keep ourselves ok when there is no one there to lead us. Submission given when dominance is chosen is a beautiful treasure.

[PassionateAngel]

Omg! That’s exactly how I have been seeing it and trying to explain. I have many messages like this and I thought I was being classed as a ‘brat’ in those terms as I am a strong independent woman- as had to be!
Your words are music to my ears and ever so rings everything I am as a person and as I want to be in a D/s dynamic
Thank you for this

[BigPolly]

6 hours ago, CopperKnob said:

My strength/independence etc is , for want of a better word, a 'gift'. And I love to give it to someone who can handle it.
 

***y hell @CopperKnobyou are bloomin brilliant! Every piece you write is spot on! (Maybe not the ‘love’ bit but that’s subjective 😂) 

But this line right here….well I need this on a tshirt but also stapled to my own forehead to remind myself! 😁

[Nicky898]

Totally agree, great piece. 😁 x

[Cu****]

to me you hit the nail on the head

Dom types who think subs are weakly docile and mindless individuals have no idea what it is to have a strong one.

Conversely, subs need to see themselves as strong individuals and not weak doormats.

[Getbackin]

Once you see the person then the personality then you see the the sub or Dom . It’s about looking first not assuming.

[PandoraUK]

Thanks for stating this do well. I wholeheartedly agree and hard relate!

[CopperKnob]

2 hours ago, PassionateAngel said:

Omg! That’s exactly how I have been seeing it and trying to explain. I have many messages like this and I thought I was being classed as a ‘brat’ in those terms as I am a strong independent woman- as had to be!
Your words are music to my ears and ever so rings everything I am as a person and as I want to be in a D/s dynamic
Thank you for this

Exactly, am I a brat, probably a little because I love a prank and to tease 🤷‍♀️ but first and foremost I'm independent, strong and capable
Its taken me some time to figure it out

[CopperKnob]

[PandoraUK]

29 minutes ago, PandoraUK said:

Thanks for stating this do well. I wholeheartedly agree and hard relate!

*so 🤦‍♀️

[CopperKnob]

@bigpolly, apologies for the 'love'
Lets get t-shirts? Not sure about staples to the head 😂

[Ar****]

Perfectly put 👏 Have you considered compiling some of your musings into a handbook or starting a blog page?

[CopperKnob]

22 minutes ago, Aranhis said:

Perfectly put 👏 Have you considered compiling some of your musings into a handbook or starting a blog page?

No, not at all, ita just my experience/rambling thoughts

[Ar****]

29 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

No, not at all, ita just my experience/rambling thoughts

Fair enough... suffice it to say you have a certain knack for introducing the nail to the hammerhead which I suspect a broader scope of people would also appreciate. But we are grateful to have your thoughts here nonetheless 😊👍

[Phoenyx]

Such an irony.  Submissives are supposed to be _____ and _____?  Really?!  I have helped more than one sub to discover her dominant side.  Despite popular stereotypes, it is something that I actually enjoy.  To me, it is like getting a flower to bloom, or raising a kitten to be a true cat.  For some reason, it just comes naturally to me.

@CopperKnob, you are well on that road.  Right now, I would say that you are passing through the "independent" stage.  I remember it well, as I passed through it, myself.  This is a rather common transitional stage, on the road to becoming a Dom/me.  You are using humor and allegory to set and protect your boundaries.  The path to your submission has become more narrow and defined.  It has become like the proverbial "Sword in the Stone", where only the "chosen one" can extract it.

Still, you can't help feeling nagging doubts.  Like any creative endeavor in a midway stage, you're beginning to wonder about the finished product.  You use humor to salve the *** of doubt.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.  Humor helps to keep your thinking positive.  Even so, you feel stuck---unable to move forward, or go back.  You *** that you lack the "leadership skills" to be a Domme.  Trust me, you already have those skills within you, or you would not have come this far.  More than likely, society's attitudes and "norms" have you looking in the wrong place.  It is definitely not about "acting" the part.  Acting is just that---acting!  Try focusing on "reading" people.  Learn to trust your instincts in that area.  I'm certain that there, you will find the answers that you seek.  Your "eureka" moment will come.

Anyway, I hope that this helps.  Or, you can tell me to "FO!"---that I'm totally full of shit!  I can't always have the answers.

[StickyTrickster]

I’ve been pretty lucky in some ways that I was able to explore much of my kinky personality without some of the dogma around being the perfect dom or sub, stigma against switching or brats.

One thing I have found as I got older was that I was often emphasising certain personality traits and suppressing others to project a certain image.  To fit in with this group or to be that model student/employee etc.

And I’d wind up drinking my own hype thinking that who I was were those personas but in reality parts of me were going neglected in my subconscious.  Carl Jung would say those suppressed part of me would form my shadow and anima.

When I later took my time to explore them I often found that whilst I’d mostly consider myself x or y that I often also had a little bit of the opposite of x and y in me too.  Indeed exploring that, my shadow self, and realising that I was in control of it was part of my journey that I needed to do before I was comfortable entering the world of BDSM – before that I was probably ***ful of what dark traits it would uncover in me that I kept away from exploring it for so long.  Now I am satisfied with myself that I can explore BDSM in which I’ve been integrate my shadow side to not be a danger to anyone.

I had a similar thing when I explored my gender, in the quest to be what society dictates masculinity can be I had suppressed parts of my feminine side to conform to it.  I still predominantly presenting as a man but I’m comfortable occasionally taking my anima for a spin.  Even if it does mean about 90% of the dating pool now writes me off as no longer being a “proper man.”  For one thing clothes don’t make the man and if you define masculinity by superficial things like the car they drive, the drink they drink and whether they’re willing to get rough sexually with you rather than living true to themselves with integrity and virtue then I wonder why some many are surprised to only find superficial men?  And FYI occasionally throwing on a dress doesn’t mean I’m not also willing to do the rough sex part.

Sure there are probably many doms and subs out there that might be suppressing another part of themselves to be the perfect dom or sub but we can’t really make a blanket statement that all are like this.  People still can choose what they wish to present as and I totally agree that being able to give a partner the freedom to explore other parts of themselves and new kinks is indeed like watching a flower bloom and I love being able to help people do that.

Though at the same time I wouldn’t want to undermine the message here that submissives can be independent by saying that doing so shows some latent dominant side as it implies that true submissives can’t be personally independent which I think is potentially dangerous.  If anything submissives should strive to be personal independent as a safeguard to never become dependent on a dominant that might turn bad or abusive, their submission to a dominant should always be because they want it, not because they have no other option but to comply.

[CopperKnob]

@phoennyx
Or, i'm just a funny MF'r! 🤷‍♀️😂😂😂
Trust me, there isn't a liitle bit of me that is Domme and never will be, I'm certainly not 'stuck'

[Sp****]

So beautifully explained Copperknob. Perhaps these ‘Dom’s’ that spend so much time questioning you and what you really are or aren’t, need to take a look in the mirror and spend some time on self reflection or even, wait for it, admit to them selves that maybe they just aren’t at the level to be worthy of such a strong minded ladies submission!! And then go and learn what is needed and improve themselves as this world is all about learning and getting better each day.

[PassionateAngel]

If only the aka.. Doms see it as you do @Spanksy; in my eyes and my own opinion those that questions us strong minded, professional women who are wanting to submit to a person who can take their strengths and enable to grow with them and also feeling the strength within themselves that a sub has (if connected as we tend to know what we want) chosen them to do just that as all aspects are accepted at strength and submission value. Yet those who question such women perhaps cannot handle then they themselves are feeling inferior of their own ‘title’ of Dom; to me are not what I would call a Dom