Dear Doms, Yes You!

[AThom-5508]

On 10/9/2021 at 6:48 AM, Spanksy said:

So beautifully explained Copperknob. Perhaps these ‘Dom’s’ that spend so much time questioning you and what you really are or aren’t, need to take a look in the mirror and spend some time on self reflection or even, wait for it, admit to them selves that maybe they just aren’t at the level to be worthy of such a strong minded ladies submission!! And then go and learn what is needed and improve themselves as this world is all about learning and getting better each day.

Thissss!! Often being a strong woman is labelled controlling by manipulative Dom/mes. However it is not it is setting healthy boundaries, standing up for yourself, and sometimes looking out for the Dom because they are on a path of self destruction! Often the blame is put on the sub, and it ruins the dynamic in entirety. 

[Deleted Member]

On 10/8/2021 at 2:49 AM, StickyTrickster said:

The people that follow you reflect upon the quality of the person that leads them.  A strong and independent submissive doesn’t just need to be led but anyone but has chosen to specifically follow that particular dominant.

Thank you for putting in words what I couldn't. Unfortunately, I have had the feeling that on this site I don't often get to choose, because by the time I could have had a closer look at someone, they have already taken over and taken that choice away. 

On 10/7/2021 at 10:44 PM, CopperKnob said:

So, who I submit to is a choice but, I don’t consider the need I have to submit, to be a choice.

And this is exactly what caused so much confusion in the beginning for me. What submission means to each one needs to be defined individually, I had read it many times, but I first had to stumble a few times before I actually was able to separate my submissive nature from everything else that makes me me. So thank you @CopperKnob once again for a good and thought-provoking piece. 

And (generally speaking) how lovely it would be, if we could all be a bit more patient with each other.  

[StickyTrickster]

14 hours ago, tazzy said:

Thank you for putting in words what I couldn't. Unfortunately, I have had the feeling that on this site I don't often get to choose, because by the time I could have had a closer look at someone, they have already taken over and taken that choice away. 

I’m glad my words could be of use.  Don’t know if I can advise much about this site as after how little concern there was regarding the point I raised here in this post I concluded I was better off spending my online time on some creative and tech projects instead and what time I might have looked for kink playmates online going to physical munches instead.

 

I was going to pass over this notification as I have previous ones since my post but the language of not getting to choose and having choice taken away I feel I ought to respond.  Never allow someone to take all your choices away.  Even in power exchange or the most extreme roleplay like CNC you retain the choice of whether to comply with what is asked of you or whether to safeword/signal to have it stop.  Never let anyone make you believe that to be a submissive means giving up the ability to make that choice.

 

Now when it comes to people instantly behaving as a dominant or submissive from the first message you have the choice of continuing to engage with them or choosing to disqualify them from further consideration.  I would personally recommend the later.  Many BDSM activities are potentially dangerous and regardless of whether looking for dom, sub or switch you need to ensure that your partner is sufficiently ground in reality to ensure safe practices, before you look to engage in fantasies with them.  A sub that chooses to ignore the discomfort from a knot that has slipped out of place the dom hasn’t noticed to maintain behaving like a “perfect sub,” is a danger onto both of them.  Just as a dom that believes they’re so domly they don’t need to learn the safe way to approach certain kinks or takes it as a personal insult if a sub safewords is a danger to others.

 

But anyway I’ll stop myself there before I go rambling off into all the various ways some people get lost in their own fantasies that they’re no longer grounded enough to connect with a real person instead of some caricature they wish to stand in their fantasies but it’s way off topic and I should be getting back to those projects I mentioned earlier.  As such I’ll just leave it on the summary that if they can’t first connect with the real you, don’t expect them to be connected enough to the realities of playing safe either, or in being invested in your safety.  I’m currently torn as to whether this means searching for a kinky partner on a dedicated kink site where you know everyone is kinky or using a regular dating site where you allude to kinkiness is the better way to go as I’ll be honest I don’t think most websites are designed for people to succeed much in this area but that’s off topic and a discussion for another day.

Edited November 24, 2021 by StickyTrickster

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, StickyTrickster said:

I’ll be honest I don’t think most websites are designed for people to succeed much in this area but that’s off topic and a discussion for another day.

You are right, off topic, but I need to respond as I have come to the same conclusion. A common kink interest as the basis of a kink relationship at first seems ideal. But if you look closer, it has the potential to reduce the relationship to this common interest and even might hinder the development of a connection beyond this, which some might need to get the best experience. There is a big temptation to go straight to sex talk, understandably. But a conversation under the influence of arousal can make you overlook signs that signal that you have nothing in common with each other apart from liking the same practice or are looking for very different things even within this common framework. This is why I also struggle with profile pictures that show genitals or half naked people which of course is my personal problem and not to say that others might not find this great. But I would love to first get an idea of the person and then the kink persona. And this is for me personally already a moment where my choice is being taken away. I don't want this to sound dramatic, it's just a matter of fact. Vanilla sites or munches seem to be a better choice then, as you said, if this is what someone is looking for. 

Sorry for *** your post, CopperKnob. I'll stop right now!

[CopperKnob]

Yesterday at 08:47 AM, tazzy said:

You are right, off topic, but I need to respond as I have come to the same conclusion. A common kink interest as the basis of a kink relationship at first seems ideal. But if you look closer, it has the potential to reduce the relationship to this common interest and even might hinder the development of a connection beyond this, which some might need to get the best experience. There is a big temptation to go straight to sex talk, understandably. But a conversation under the influence of arousal can make you overlook signs that signal that you have nothing in common with each other apart from liking the same practice or are looking for very different things even within this common framework. This is why I also struggle with profile pictures that show genitals or half naked people which of course is my personal problem and not to say that others might not find this great. But I would love to first get an idea of the person and then the kink persona. And this is for me personally already a moment where my choice is being taken away. I don't want this to sound dramatic, it's just a matter of fact. Vanilla sites or munches seem to be a better choice then, as you said, if this is what someone is looking for. 

Sorry for *** your post, CopperKnob. I'll stop right now!

Not at all Tazzy, you raise really valid points and absolutely, in hindsight where I went wrong, by focussing on common kinks as opposed to the individual. You can't bend yourself/the other person in terms of personailty/character to make a relationship work. Likewise you can't build a relationship around a kink or two, at least I can't