Getting started

[Deleted Member]

So I want to try sub/Dom  (I think that's what it's called ) how do I talk to my husband about this I've said something about it but nothing else has been said I sent him a list of scenes???? That I found and we kinda sorta went over and said what we was willing and not willing to do or try so how do I bring this back up????

Also I have always enjoyed "***" and he does know that he has known since we got together but he is a bigger guy (6'3" 308lbs) I'm little persay (5'2" 120lbs) and he is afraid of hurting me but I know he will not I believe that he can keep control.. 

We've been married 11yrs and have 3 kids I love having sex with him but it's getting boring  and I want a little spice..

I've never had a sub/Dom in my past relationships but I have dabbled in kink play... please no judgments but I need advice 

[Deleted Member]

Can’t say I’ve had a similar experience, so one of the other members here might be better qualified then me 😅
Nonetheless, you’ve had the conversation with your husband, which is a great first step!
What you could do perhaps if he’s afraid of hurting you is to start with a relatively moderate impact play? Ask him to spank you in bed/based on what scenario you two agree on and test the limits together, slowly. See how he reacts to it and help him build confidence bit by bit.

[Si****]

Sex is an extremely important part of marriage. You need to sit down with him and tell him just how you are feeling and what you need sexually to be happy. It can be hard to bring it up especially if you are a quiet and reserved type of person, but it needs to be brought up when one or more people in the marriage is unhappy it can lead to cheating among other things. So even if it is hard to do just sit down and talk it out.

[ey****]

funnily enough.  I have been through similar

like - even just spanking my wife I initially felt awkward about.   The whole "I don't want to hurt you" thing and there was also a slight psychological barrier as I had been brought up in an abusive household

I think the conversation might need to include what barriers he is facing in doing this - if his worry is "I don't want to hurt you" then - I think, reassurance that the *** feels nice.  Tell him about endorphins and subspace.  But also tell him about safewords and that you will tell him, clearly, if it's getting too much (and, I guess, also tell him if he can hit a bit harder.....) 

It might take some time, but I know he can be won over.

[Wo****]

1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said:

funnily enough.  I have been through similar

like - even just spanking my wife I initially felt awkward about.   The whole "I don't want to hurt you" thing and there was also a slight psychological barrier as I had been brought up in an abusive household

I think the conversation might need to include what barriers he is facing in doing this - if his worry is "I don't want to hurt you" then - I think, reassurance that the *** feels nice.  Tell him about endorphins and subspace.  But also tell him about safewords and that you will tell him, clearly, if it's getting too much (and, I guess, also tell him if he can hit a bit harder.....) 

It might take some time, but I know he can be won over.

Can I really respectfully disagree with the last bit... "I know he can be won over"....

It may be something he just doesn't want to do. Impact play isnt for everyone, could be a limit for him. That would merit a different conversation.

 

To the OP... talk to him again. Reassure him. Start small. Find something relatively simple, maybe tie your wrists together, blindfold you.

 

Maybe each write a list of a few things youd like to try together, discuss them, try them out. 

 

Most important thing... radical honesty and communication. 

[ey****]

37 minutes ago, BountyHunter said:

Can I really respectfully disagree with the last bit... "I know he can be won over"....

It may be something he just doesn't want to do. Impact play isnt for everyone, could be a limit for him. That would merit a different conversation.

You're completely right and I pressed send and then later thought... a bit... fuck

So if in the context that he seems up for it he is just struggling with "I'm worried I might hurt you" then that is a stumble block that can be overcome

However some people will never want to do this and it could be a limit for some people and that's something to be respected in that scenario. 

[Wi****]

3 hours ago, BountyHunter said:

Can I really respectfully disagree with the last bit... "I know he can be won over"....

It may be something he just doesn't want to do. Impact play isnt for everyone, could be a limit for him. That would merit a different conversation.

 

To the OP... talk to him again. Reassure him. Start small. Find something relatively simple, maybe tie your wrists together, blindfold you.

 

Maybe each write a list of a few things youd like to try together, discuss them, try them out. 

 

Most important thing... radical honesty and communication. 

Can't agree with you more. Radical honesty, communication and trust

[Matttster]

Research. “Rather say try sub/Dom (I think that’s what it’s called)” you should know what it’s called and what you are interested in.

Research what you are interested in. Don’t just watch porn because it is not typically very realistic. If he is uncomfortable with something, research how to do it safely and understand what’s going on.

For example, I have been with some women that like to be ***d, they like the feel of the hand around the throat. I was uncomfortable with that, and did research (and found how fragile the trachea is). But I researched it and found safe ways of choking/breath play.

My point is, understand what you are curious about trying and than have an educated conversation with your husband.

[an****]

I agree with Matttster. Know what it’s called, what it is and most importantly, what you really want and don’t want. There are many different dynamics under the D/s umbrella and within each dynamic there are many ways to live it (some may disagree). I think our point to you is; do your homework if your serious. It is a must in order for you to understand and identify clearly your wants and more importantly your needs, especially if you’re trying to encourage your partner to buy in. Good luck.🌹

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, Matttster said:

 try sub/Dom (I think that’s what it’s called)” 

 I don't like it for every aspect of my life... I love control but having someone control me sexually really helps with my anxiety so when I said this I don't know if it's called this if it's only partial... I'm not into 24/7 sub... and I want to learn more about this (besides in porn) on that aspect I'm completely turned on by the porn for light impact play... and my husband is completely aware of this we did "dabble" last night.. also he has pulled my hair and lightly *** me for a while now due to that gets me in the mood so I'm not completely oblivious to this I just know little bits and know that being controlled sexually is a huge turn on for me and want to know and experience more but I want him to join in.. 

[Deleted Member]

15 minutes ago, Dalbdsm said:

 I don't like it for every aspect of my life... I love control but having someone control me sexually really helps with my anxiety so when I said this I don't know if it's called this if it's only partial... I'm not into 24/7 sub... and I want to learn more about this (besides in porn) on that aspect I'm completely turned on by the porn for light impact play... and my husband is completely aware of this we did "dabble" last night.. also he has pulled my hair and lightly *** me for a while now due to that gets me in the mood so I'm not completely oblivious to this I just know little bits and know that being controlled sexually is a huge turn on for me and want to know and experience more but I want him to join in.. 

Okay, so you enjoy it restricted to the bedroom, it’s good you’re somewhat aware of your boundaries and lines you’re not happy crossing.
Again, take it slow. Remember your husband wants to make you happy and keep you safe. If it helps, you could give him small encouragements with dirty talk - I like that, harder/slower, do that again (be sure to clarify if he asks. I was too shy to do this, but be as specific as possible. It’s erotic.)

[Matttster]

It sounds like you are on the right path. As angry_g commented, there are many aspects of Ds/kink. I think that most into kink are not 24/7 (most I know at any rate aren’t). Just as in a vanilla relationship, no two relationships are the same. Because a relationship is built between 2 people (or more) and because no 2 people are the same, every relationship or dynamic will be different.

But realizing things that get you (as well as your partner) excited is a great first step. To me, part of kink (especially on the sexual side anyway) is about being open to trying new things, and there are lots of things to try.

Something else to keep in mind is communication. The better the communication, the better things tend to be in a relationship. After a session (even after lovemaking sometimes) I like to talk to my partner to learn what was good, not good (or awesome of horrible). Not right after mind you, relax and enjoy the bliss right afterwards :)

But as I noted earlier, I encourage you to research some things prior to practicing. Things like choking, wax play, and rope work for example, can cause harm to someone much easier than you may expect. And trust me, learning this the hard way is not much fun.

Good luck and I hope your exploration into kink is amazing.

[Leisa]

Consistent, open communication. Research Dom/sub relationships. As you’re married already you may find that a 24/7 dynamic is actually what you are craving as 24/7 dynamics do not mean doormat or no right to have a different opinion but it sounds like what you are seeking is just kinky play. Even this requires research and knowledge. Researching together after the kids are asleep can be beneficial in two respects. First, you both gain the knowledge and can converse to make sure you’re both understanding what the research material aimed to inform. Second, it can be an opening to experimenting immediately. YouTube has some very educational and beneficial videos as it both explains the concept and gives step by step directions on achieving the results. Kind of like a TED talk for kink.