She wants me to completely own her body - How do I get her to tell me what she wants?

[NewDaddy2021]

Hey everyone,

So my babygirl and I had the best time together away from everything in a hotel. Lots of play, lots of cuddles and lots of intimate amazing closeness.

After discussing what we done she has gone up a level, she's hidden this side of her for so long and now it's out there's no stopping it.

It's truly like a genie in a bottle situation, we had some gentle and rough moments in the hotel and since then she has told me multiple times she wants me to completely own her body.

Now I know she wants it rough, she's told me she wants me to absolutely destroy her, that was her actual words.

However these are completely new feelings and desires to her, she's bottled them up, they've always been there but they are pouring out now.

I've tried to ask what she actually wants, how she sees me owning her body, what kind of things she wants but it's so hard to get her to actually be specific.

She'll say things like, spank me, be rough, I want to feel like I'm the only thing on your mind and you can't get enough, make me your slut, fuck me like you hate me to show me you love me, things like that.

Any of you got either any ideas of what to do during the session or ideas on how to get her to be a bit more specific?

I care about her a lot and I really don't want to go all out and do something that puts her off or hurts her physically or emotionally.

Thank you in advance for your help.

[ey****]

I'm going to go a little bit leftfield here.

But, some of what you are saying sounds like she is going through sub-frenzy.

And, like you say the whole genie in a bottle that it's opened that the possibilities are endless and there's so much excitement she might struggle to vocalise a little - or - get over carried away in what she says.

---

So. Kinda for the time being continue as you have been. Don't rush anything yourself.

The conversations for ideas that you BOTH might want are best done outside of designated play time - at a time when you're both clearer in mind.

Perhaps even a task to get her to specify her strong dislikes - and - also - a couple of key likes or fantasies.  

[ol****]

Yep - go slowly, very slowly, give her the time to ensure what she's saying is real and not just a transient feeling after your last session together.

[NewDaddy2021]

20 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I'm going to go a little bit leftfield here.

But, some of what you are saying sounds like she is going through sub-frenzy.

And, like you say the whole genie in a bottle that it's opened that the possibilities are endless and there's so much excitement she might struggle to vocalise a little - or - get over carried away in what she says.

---

So. Kinda for the time being continue as you have been. Don't rush anything yourself.

The conversations for ideas that you BOTH might want are best done outside of designated play time - at a time when you're both clearer in mind.

Perhaps even a task to get her to specify her strong dislikes - and - also - a couple of key likes or fantasies.  

Thanks for responding, I think you are completely right. It's been quite intense conversation wise, nomatter what we talk about she alsways manages to bring it to sex.

I've been trying to keep things calm, I keep telling her there is no rush we're both in this for the long haul, well hopefully because she is perfect.

See I'm new to being in this position and really don't know how to handle it from my side.

There are so many thoughts going through my head e.g.

1) can I as the one in control simply explain that we're both not ready for this yet?

2) I know I can say that but will I hurt her feelings and make her think I don't value her desires.

3) should I tell her to pick one or two things she would really like and we just focus on exploring one new thing per session.

Its such a head scrambler because while I really want to give her exactly what she wants, I don't want to overwhelm both of us, especially her and make it a bad experience.

I'm sure with more time I'll be able to communicate better and explain things but I just don't have that experience yet haha.

The task sounds like a great idea, I think she'd enjoy that especially if I have her write it, she loves making lists.

Thanks for the help, I appreciate your time.

Edit: sorry forgot to add, all of the conversations we have about this stuff is days after playing, usually late evening when we're both totally relaxed after our daily commitments.

Edited October 26, 2021 by NewDaddy2021
Missing info

[ey****]

8 minutes ago, NewDaddy2021 said:

1) can I as the one in control simply explain that we're both not ready for this yet?

Yes. Or you can also phrase it as.... "this will take time and trust to build up to"

8 minutes ago, NewDaddy2021 said:

2) I know I can say that but will I hurt her feelings and make her think I don't value her desires.

I'm not sure - you can still show you're committed to the long term rather than having a quick satisfaction  for yourself

 

9 minutes ago, NewDaddy2021 said:

3) should I tell her to pick one or two things she would really like and we just focus on exploring one new thing per session.

yeah, then each time you play you can go through familiar ground - that is - stuff you either both like or are doing knowing one or the other consensually isn't so into it - and introduce one or two new ideas.

 

[ge****]

Explain to her calmly and reasonably your concerns - aftercare and discussions about what has happened are as important for a dominant as they are a submissive - send her your OP here which does just that.

Seek out some on-line BDSM questionnaires, the kind that list various elements of the lifestyle and have you rate them 1-5 in terms of interest, each of you complete them independently and then get together to compare notes - they're a great way to gauge common interests and frame your dynamic.

Have her write you a fantasy scene that details what she'd like to happen - then pick elements of it to introduce.

Above all, talk and talk some more and continue getting an understanding of each other and never be afraid to take a step back if you feel things are going too fast or getting out of hand.

[DarkArts1066]

Like the previous responders on here, I am going to say that in my opinion, you need to proceed cautiously… once that bottle is opened, the genie flows out … and sometimes wants everything, all at once, now.
Talking is key … but the intensity here is where the problem could lie. Only could - nothing more, so don’t panic.
It sounds like your hotel play session escalated quickly - and intensely. You opened the door for her now you need to feel your way through your next sessions.
Set parameters and boundaries. If she wants to be spanked - then spank her… but escalate slowly… and use common sense.
I have a sub whose previous ‘master’ had no clue about impact play, and went hammer and tongs on her from the get go - which is why she is now mine. He left her bruised for days and although she wanted to experience more, was frightened to do so with him, because it wasn’t measured and she had no time to adapt.

If she likes lists, have her write down her top five ‘wants’ - and have her write a short fantasy scenario which she would like to act out for each.
Pick one that you both feel comfortable with and explore it.
But - set boundaries and safe words where appropriate.
Be mindful of triggers.
Some fantasies are based around previous experiences in life…. Not all if them positive.

So talk through why she has those particular leanings.. and make sure you are both happy exploring them further.

For example, I know of one sub woman who has a fantasy list based around being taken and ***d by priests. She was ***d by her church elders as a ***ager.
Clearly a slippery path, and triggers at every turn.

Another has a Headmaster fantasy - which I am trying to fulfil for her. She has had it since her ***s, back in the 70’s - and surprisingly, it isn’t ageplay related.
She was desired by the boys at her school, and the misogynistic letcherous teachers - she was well endowed, but was never promiscuous back then - she enjoyed them wanting and desiring her - but her being out of reach.
Now she wants to play out several scenarios based on those early feelings.

This is a safer route forward, with no negative feelings or triggers present.

There are many intelligent, informed and experienced people on here… so chat with them - generally and/or specifically about hers and your own wants and needs … we are all here to nurture and help if we can.
Good luck to you both, and enjoy!
DarkArts.

[NewDaddy2021]

35 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

Yes. Or you can also phrase it as.... "this will take time and trust to build up to"

I'm not sure - you can still show you're committed to the long term rather than having a quick satisfaction  for yourself

 

yeah, then each time you play you can go through familiar ground - that is - stuff you either both like or are doing knowing one or the other consensually isn't so into it - and introduce one or two new ideas.

 

 

22 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

Explain to her calmly and reasonably your concerns - aftercare and discussions about what has happened are as important for a dominant as they are a submissive - send her your OP here which does just that.

Seek out some on-line BDSM questionnaires, the kind that list various elements of the lifestyle and have you rate them 1-5 in terms of interest, each of you complete them independently and then get together to compare notes - they're a great way to gauge common interests and frame your dynamic.

Have her write you a fantasy scene that details what she'd like to happen - then pick elements of it to introduce.

Above all, talk and talk some more and continue getting an understanding of each other and never be afraid to take a step back if you feel things are going too fast or getting out of hand.

 

5 minutes ago, DarkArts1066 said:

Like the previous responders on here, I am going to say that in my opinion, you need to proceed cautiously… once that bottle is opened, the genie flows out … and sometimes wants everything, all at once, now.
Talking is key … but the intensity here is where the problem could lie. Only could - nothing more, so don’t panic.
It sounds like your hotel play session escalated quickly - and intensely. You opened the door for her now you need to feel your way through your next sessions.
Set parameters and boundaries. If she wants to be spanked - then spank her… but escalate slowly… and use common sense.
I have a sub whose previous ‘master’ had no clue about impact play, and went hammer and tongs on her from the get go - which is why she is now mine. He left her bruised for days and although she wanted to experience more, was frightened to do so with him, because it wasn’t measured and she had no time to adapt.

If she likes lists, have her write down her top five ‘wants’ - and have her write a short fantasy scenario which she would like to act out for each.
Pick one that you both feel comfortable with and explore it.
But - set boundaries and safe words where appropriate.
Be mindful of triggers.
Some fantasies are based around previous experiences in life…. Not all if them positive.

So talk through why she has those particular leanings.. and make sure you are both happy exploring them further.

For example, I know of one sub woman who has a fantasy list based around being taken and ***d by priests. She was ***d by her church elders as a ***ager.
Clearly a slippery path, and triggers at every turn.

Another has a Headmaster fantasy - which I am trying to fulfil for her. She has had it since her ***s, back in the 70’s - and surprisingly, it isn’t ageplay related.
She was desired by the boys at her school, and the misogynistic letcherous teachers - she was well endowed, but was never promiscuous back then - she enjoyed them wanting and desiring her - but her being out of reach.
Now she wants to play out several scenarios based on those early feelings.

This is a safer route forward, with no negative feelings or triggers present.

There are many intelligent, informed and experienced people on here… so chat with them - generally and/or specifically about hers and your own wants and needs … we are all here to nurture and help if we can.
Good luck to you both, and enjoy!
DarkArts.


 

Thank you all for spending so much time on your replies, I'm just in work and will reply properly when I'm back home.

I appreciate all the help.

[Leisa]

Hello. All of the advice given above is amazing but one thing I noticed no one touched in is getting her to list her limits, both soft and hard. If she says none, it’s a definite flag for both of you that she’s in a frenzy. Often when just starting out the parties of the dynamic want to try everything at once and if not adequately informed and knowledgeable can lead to *** or worse. Please don’t let my response put you off from learning and exploring. There are some great sites available through googling. Try phrases like BDSM limits and BDSM kinks and fetishes and go through the lists you found together. When experimenting with implements, ie whips, paddles, floggers, paddles, etc. try them out on yourself (inner thigh is a good place) so you can gauge how they feel and the intensity involved. Trying something on someone else first without knowing can lead to ***. Most of all take things very slow.

[NewDaddy2021]

23 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

Yes. Or you can also phrase it as.... "this will take time and trust to build up to"

I'm not sure - you can still show you're committed to the long term rather than having a quick satisfaction  for yourself

 

yeah, then each time you play you can go through familiar ground - that is - stuff you either both like or are doing knowing one or the other consensually isn't so into it - and introduce one or two new ideas.

 

 

23 hours ago, gemini_man said:

Explain to her calmly and reasonably your concerns - aftercare and discussions about what has happened are as important for a dominant as they are a submissive - send her your OP here which does just that.

Seek out some on-line BDSM questionnaires, the kind that list various elements of the lifestyle and have you rate them 1-5 in terms of interest, each of you complete them independently and then get together to compare notes - they're a great way to gauge common interests and frame your dynamic.

Have her write you a fantasy scene that details what she'd like to happen - then pick elements of it to introduce.

Above all, talk and talk some more and continue getting an understanding of each other and never be afraid to take a step back if you feel things are going too fast or getting out of hand.

 

22 hours ago, DarkArts1066 said:

Like the previous responders on here, I am going to say that in my opinion, you need to proceed cautiously… once that bottle is opened, the genie flows out … and sometimes wants everything, all at once, now.
Talking is key … but the intensity here is where the problem could lie. Only could - nothing more, so don’t panic.
It sounds like your hotel play session escalated quickly - and intensely. You opened the door for her now you need to feel your way through your next sessions.
Set parameters and boundaries. If she wants to be spanked - then spank her… but escalate slowly… and use common sense.
I have a sub whose previous ‘master’ had no clue about impact play, and went hammer and tongs on her from the get go - which is why she is now mine. He left her bruised for days and although she wanted to experience more, was frightened to do so with him, because it wasn’t measured and she had no time to adapt.

If she likes lists, have her write down her top five ‘wants’ - and have her write a short fantasy scenario which she would like to act out for each.
Pick one that you both feel comfortable with and explore it.
But - set boundaries and safe words where appropriate.
Be mindful of triggers.
Some fantasies are based around previous experiences in life…. Not all if them positive.

So talk through why she has those particular leanings.. and make sure you are both happy exploring them further.

For example, I know of one sub woman who has a fantasy list based around being taken and ***d by priests. She was ***d by her church elders as a ***ager.
Clearly a slippery path, and triggers at every turn.

Another has a Headmaster fantasy - which I am trying to fulfil for her. She has had it since her ***s, back in the 70’s - and surprisingly, it isn’t ageplay related.
She was desired by the boys at her school, and the misogynistic letcherous teachers - she was well endowed, but was never promiscuous back then - she enjoyed them wanting and desiring her - but her being out of reach.
Now she wants to play out several scenarios based on those early feelings.

This is a safer route forward, with no negative feelings or triggers present.

There are many intelligent, informed and experienced people on here… so chat with them - generally and/or specifically about hers and your own wants and needs … we are all here to nurture and help if we can.
Good luck to you both, and enjoy!
DarkArts.


 

 

18 hours ago, Leisa said:

Hello. All of the advice given above is amazing but one thing I noticed no one touched in is getting her to list her limits, both soft and hard. If she says none, it’s a definite flag for both of you that she’s in a frenzy. Often when just starting out the parties of the dynamic want to try everything at once and if not adequately informed and knowledgeable can lead to *** or worse. Please don’t let my response put you off from learning and exploring. There are some great sites available through googling. Try phrases like BDSM limits and BDSM kinks and fetishes and go through the lists you found together. When experimenting with implements, ie whips, paddles, floggers, paddles, etc. try them out on yourself (inner thigh is a good place) so you can gauge how they feel and the intensity involved. Trying something on someone else first without knowing can lead to ***. Most of all take things very slow.

Sorry for the time it's taken to reply to you all life kind of got in the way yesterday.

So a little update for you all, I spoke with her after work and explained that we both need to slow things down a touch and take things easy or were going to end up either hurting eachother or burning out with sensation and information overload.

Thank you all for suggesting that because she admitted she was just too caught up with the new sensations that she wanted to feel them all again more intense because it was so new and intoxicating. She not only cum for the first time but also squirted a few times which was completely new and made her feel things she never had.

I asked her if she could only choose two things to try what would they be, her answer was:

Spanking and getting all dressed up in something really sexy for me so we've agreed a light spanking session and obviously dressing up is a very easy one so both will be done next time we meet.

I've also had a research for some popular things to read and seen a few recommendations for the new topping and the new bottoming books.

So I've got a Scribd subscription and we are currently reading through our respective version.

So far her feedback has been really good, she is starting to understand why she has some of the feelings, wants, needs and desires she has and also learning how to better explain them to me so it's been great so far.

Once we're both done on our own book were going to switch and read eachothers so we know what goes on in eachothers minds a bit better too.

She has realised she is very submissive, do any of you have recommendations for a submissive to read that will help her get to grips with who she really is and help her process the new feelings she is having because as good as these books are they are mainly focused around play for the most part.

Once again, thank you all for the help and advice I really appreciate it.

[DarkArts1066]

That sounds like real progress. It’s a difficult thing when starting out on this kind of journey to have a proper ‘grown up’ conversation like that - without being ***ful of hurting the other persons’ feelings - or actually being afraid to open up fully.. so I applaud your efforts thus far.

There are so many different takes and angles on this - and different reads will work for different individuals due to aligned approaches etc, however here is a starting point.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/evolution-the-self/201206/dominant-or-submissive-paradox-power-in-sexual-relations%3Famp

Its a fairly easy read, and explores the positions and approaches between a Dom and sub. It also suggests that we may all have elements of the Dom and sub within us - which you may do well to consider as that affects how we see and relate to another person who potentially has power and control over us.

Please be mindful that it does not necessarily reflect my own views or position on the subject.

[ge****]

"Screw The Roses Bring Me The Thorns" is widely recognised as being a worthy read as is "SM101" both are available through Amazon.

As for other stuff seek out anything (blogs, books, forum posts) that's related, good and bad, but keep an open mind - and use it to formulate your own views. It may seem odd to suggest reading the bad stuff but sometimes doing so can help cement your views and opinions.

One other thought, you've not said (and we don't necessarily need to know) but is she a member here? If not why not suggest she sign up and read some of what's available and interact with others in the same way you are - it's obviously helping you, so may well do the same for her too.

Either way good to see that you are both making progress and communicating effectively - that really is, ultimately, the key to any relationship.

[Leisa]

I’ve not read it but I’ve heard The Ethical Slut is awesome. As suggested, being on the site, talking to other submissives, reading the forums, and making friends (both D and s types can be helpful. I know myself and a friend of me be did some munches surrounding both the roles and there were follow up posts on each of the munches where our notes were posted with views. Search TheBian. He’s also a wonderful “in person” resource. As always I’m available if she’d like to talk. I’m by no means an expert on the topic but I’ve been around the lifestyle for years.

[Just_A_Good_Boy]

Hello! I see you already talked with her, which is great

I do also think it sounds like she wanted to try everything at once very fast. Of course, this can be an issue for both parties if you really aren't ready yet, and could cause issues later down the line. That said, I hope you both can continue to have fun easing into new things and taking it from there!