Learning to become a Dom?

[Jay86n]

How do people learn to be a dom? My wife loves to be submissive and i love to be dominant. We both needed training to become a proper dom and sub now it seams easy for a person to learn and find some one to teach them how to be a sub but how does someone learn to be a dom?

[Deleted Member]

Interested to know more too…

[Cheekysub247]

Knowledge in things you both enjoy is the key.
Both need to learn some basic safety, theres many 'how to' guides out there, lots of writings people have put on things they have tried, what worked and didnt. Communication on both parts is important. I dont believe in 'proper dom or sub' mostly because ive felt this way inside all my life, i didnt learn to become one, i just learned a heap of knowledge to keep me safe, some of the things i do are risky so i need to know the other person has experience too and i will question the life out of them. Each person has different ways of playing, find things similar to how you view the lifestyle, your likes.
Feel whats in your hearts, then the rest will follow and you will become the Dom and sub you truely are inside 😊

[Fa****]

Chat to her about what's going through her mind, her fantasies ect then leave it a few weeks till shes forgotten she told you and make them come true for her.

I used to chat for hours with my last sub getting that information and acting on it plus I'd tell ter to pick a new toy, if it was a 6in dildo id order a 8in dildo.

Never ever said no 

[ge****]

Couldn't agree more with Cheeky, she's summed it up perfectly.

I dislike terms like "proper", "true" etc when applied to either dominants or submissives, purely because what will be "proper" or "true" to one person, will be the opposite to others. The only definition that really matters is the one you find for yourself/ves and that is matched with the person/s you interact with in that way.

Now of course there are plenty of obvious fundamental and universally agreed "wrong" ways to D/s that involve boundaries, consent and more - but once agreement and consent between two (or more) informed and knowledgeable people are in place then their way is no more or less "proper" than the next person's.

As for how to acquire that knowledge, there are many ways from talking to others, to reading the vast array of material available, to attending munches and kink events and even experimentation between yourselves to an extent - obviously some things require more knowledge and skills than others, but ultimately it comes down to you *both* finding what works for you and continuing to communicate effectively etc and through all that you will find a good dynamic for you both and good/bad dominant/submissive won't even come into it, because it will be what works for you.

[7o****]

Google how to be a master
Then spend a week reading as a start.
After you get your rough direction (there are so many ways to do it) you can look for professional tuition

[Redefine-Horizons]

If you have local dungeons, they often times have educational events around negotiations, particular activities (like rope bondage, spanking, or electroplay), and others to chat with in person.

I feel learning safe, sane, and consensual in exploring is important. Many novice Doms seem to want to rush to the wildest thing they can think of without gaining required experience in knowing their partner/ their responses to novel experiences. Be able to tiptoe into yellow before going to the edge of red in play.

[Th****]

Becoming a Dominant is a process, some of which has been described very well above so I will not repeat the above wisdom.

Experience is your friend, you will make mistakes but accept it now and be ready to apologise sincerely and use them to plan better ways of dealing with situations.

There will be times you get frustrated or annoyed. Never play when you are angry and remember your self control is the root of your control over anyone else. You can't control someone if you can't control your self. Trust me that is far easier to write than do😉

The other big thing is to find your Dominant voice, this is the tone you give commands in. Ask a submissive they will tell you about The Voice. If you have yours great, if it is still sounding a little like your normal voice then drop your tone an octive or two, slow your speach by at least half and enunciate each word. When you get it you will know.

One tip orgasm control is not about stopping people orgasm it is about conditioning the subconscious to do it on command. Though it like so much of D/s takes patience. Though as a Dominant you will have that in spade fulls.

Enjoy!

[Matttster]

I personally don’t feel that there is a proper “Dom” or “sub”. I understand that there is etiquette for some and if that is what you are into than explore that avenue. But in general, I think is about what works for you.

As many have mentioned, communication is very important. Discuss what her kinks are as well as your kinks. Find common ground and than start researching. Make sure you both understand each other’s hard and soft limits.

Consent is also important. Make sure that both (or all) parties are consensual.

Safety would be the next important thing. When you find that common ground, research the topic of interest with a focus on safety. Many kinks can cause harm if not done properly (choking can easily damage the trachea, rope play can easily cause nerve damage (or worse), wax play can cause burns, etc..).

Once you feel you understand how to pursue a particular topic safely, than begin to explore it. Remember safe words (I am basic and really like the basic red, yellow and green).

For myself at any rate, kink is about pursuing “play” that is not considered “normal”. I see myself as a Top, but may not be seen as a Dom by some. But I do pursue aspects of kink that myself and my partner find intriguing and am not terribly worried about if I am a proper Dom.

[ey****]

To learn to be a Dominant - I think lesson 1 is to know this isn't going to be a 6 week training programme of bitesize lessons but a continuous thing over many years,

A lot also depends on the difference between if you are in a relationship with someone and this is something you are exploring together versus if this is something an individual wishes to learn in order to attract subs

But certainly for any activity you wish to learn - if there's workshops they're great to attend, and there's also plenty of learning materials online

But  a lot of this doesn't get into things like structure, dynamics, protocol, etc which again is things that can be learned but important to shape in your relationship

But even being involved in a local community, making friends, being shown new things - possibly mentorship if appropriate - helps shape things a bit

[Catsailor69]

To me, it sounds like you have a great beginning in your dynamic relationship, congratulations on that.
In my humble opinion and experience we become better Doms. Leading, teaching, being responsible and knowledgeable will all grow as exploration and experience develop.
There are some great bits of wisdom in the prior responses, many things already said, I agree with. The most effective way to learn and develop your dominance and Master side of your dynamic, in my humble opinion, is to do things in person. There are many things in active communities, that will teach and train skills to put to use as the dominant. I enjoy bondage and rope/Shibari play. I found a reputable rigger and inquired about classes. Fortunately, he separated my sub and I with experienced others. She learned what a safe tie felt like and I learned how to tie with one that could tell me when to ask about something I was doing that didn’t feel right. The rigger was very helpful in understanding everything from rope to the absolute safety and signs of an unhealthy and unsafe tie. Once those kinds of trainings are learned, we are limited only by our imagination and desires.
Start with what appeals to you both and seek the investment in being trained, you’ll be glad you do.
I wish you and your sub well. May your adventure together be a safe and enjoyable growth together.

[PhantomFlogger]

I think there are many routes, and i can see a lot of good advice.
But i think it is a mentality that helps these sides come out.
I think to be a good Dominant you have to be confident and i dont mean a confident person, i mean confident that what you are doing is correct. You wouldnt want a surgeon to operate on you if he seemed unsure right?
Learn your craft, find an anchor and expand on that.
Essentially if you can be the authority then your partner will naturally give over control.

Secondly find purpose, why do you want to be Dominant? It shouldnt be just because someone else likes it, find that thing you want to see or feel and make that your reason,
Ask yourself why you want submission, why you should have control, what is your purpose?

Lastly communication is key, a controlling man who likes to hit his partner is not a good look or feeling.
Talk about everything, discuss and agree on outcomes, i know its unsexy sometimes, but over time you learn the baseline and its little tweaks after that.
Dont be afraid to say no, dont do anything you dont like, i know fulfilling a fantasy is sexy, but you can tell when someone isnt enjoying something, and it tends to tarnish everything else, its better to just say no in the beginning and keep everything positive.

I think if you can do these things, understand your purpose and your driving ***, then its just education after that

[DarkDelights]

If you need to learn how to be 'a Dom' then there isn't a natural Dominant bone in your body and that seems to be the same for a lot of so called 'Doms'.

Find your natural place and roll with it(Don't be one of those pretentious types who think a few rules, books endless emotive posts and ropes make you a Dom).

I'm sure this post will push a few buttons and hit a few nerves but as I said, to be a naturally Dominant person is very different from the many insecure types who live their life enshrined in over zealous rules, pseudo psychology drivvel and the like. One look, a presence is all it takes so if that's where you want to be just be mentally and emotionally 'up for it '.

X

[Cheekysub247]

22 minutes ago, DarkDelights said:

If you need to learn how to be 'a Dom' then there isn't a natural Dominant bone in your body and that seems to be the same for a lot of so called 'Doms'.

Find your natural place and roll with it(Don't be one of those pretentious types who think a few rules, books endless emotive posts and ropes make you a Dom).

I'm sure this post will push a few buttons and hit a few nerves but as I said, to be a naturally Dominant person is very different from the many insecure types who live their life enshrined in over zealous rules, pseudo psychology drivvel and the like. One look, a presence is all it takes so if that's where you want to be just be mentally and emotionally 'up for it '.

X
 

I can totally agree for some its a natural feeling inside, some are just this way since forever, others get introduced to it and enjoy it.

Either way we all im sure have researched information to help learn tips and tricks. I didnt learn how to be 'sub' but just learned about stuff i was interested in, things that i felt inside and what they meant and how to achieve the feelings. I personally connect better with those naturally Dom rather than those introduced.

I agree you cant learn how to be 'insert label' but we can just better ourselves learning what we can 😊. 

[ey****]

The whole thing though on the whole "natural versus learned" Dominant

Even if you are a twue natural dominant...

it doesn't mean you automatically and magically know how to (say) use a cane, tie a knot, minimise the risk on breath play - so on

So there's still scope for learning

[Th****]

In regard to the above excellent posts from Darkdelights, Cheekysub and Blscksheep I totally concur. It just reminded me of the phrase "Be your authentic self." and that is all you can be really.

[Glitch-5338]

Hi Im fairly new to the Dom scenario. However I feel that I can give a personal insight into some of this.

You may agree or disagree thatbis after all what this forum is for right?

So For me Domination begins with finding someone who wants thinks or is sub. Lets face it newbies may find that they dont fit the role they thought about in the beginning. Later changing to a different role or taking on multiple roles by becoming a switch. The devil is in the detail. I feel that when you first meet a sub. You should take some time to get to know eachother on a personal level. There may be skeletons in their closet that could become big issues in later playtime. An example. A sub I was with not so long ago. Had had a bad relationship a long time ago. He used to beat her amongst other things. Now strangely she later in life felt drawn to this lifestyle. But she had ***s. Things that are very real in this d/s world as fun which she had experienced in a not so fun way in her relationship. These subjects were approached. Her response was not violent but adament they were not happening. She was keen to be spanked but she also ***ed being hit in such a way. The key here is to talk about the things we *** most and try and reach common ground either agree to never go there or to go there but in small doses. Communication is the key. All of this I feel should be done before any play can begin. With my subs when I start with a new girl. I like to put them through a little 4 week boot camp type of thing where we just talk about stuff. Wind the sexual tension up if its doable. Make little agreements like conversation on the phone if she feels like helping herself to orgasms. Instead of actually playing with herself. It does not always work but it can be a useful tool. To see how well suited they and you may be to your chosen role. By the 4th week. we are usually ready to start getting a little physical and begin trying out some of the softer stuff to begin with. progressing to a chat after and before each meeting about how we find it. How we feel. Something I learned very early on and something to go and look up. Is Dom drop and sub Drop. These are very real things. And can destroy good times if not prepared for and tackled when they appear.