BDSM ruined my relationship!

[PhantomFlogger]

So im sat here thinking to myself "when is the best time to introduce kink to a relationship?" 

My first thought is that if you both have it in common then why not straight away?

Im well aware 90% of the connections i make on here are built on a joint love of kink and BDSM.

But im just now asking myself if building a relationship around BDSM is the best way to start..

If i met a woman in a street would i do the same thing? If it was that important to me wouldnt all relationships be built around a shared love of kink?

For me, BDSM is one hell of a connection, its spiritual even, but i wonder if it bypasses too much by eclipsing basic connections.

What would happen if i met someone into kink and we never approached it until way down the line?

Is it possible to love BDSM more than the person, and be with that person for BDSM, for the whole relationship just to be BDSM and the moments between scenes? I think so.

So i ask myself, what would happen if i approached BDSM as the next step of a relationship rather than the first step? What happens if the relationship milestones were hit before the kink milestones?

Im attracted to so many of you beautiful bastards, but because of your kinks, the photos of shibari, the marks on your skin, the wax and toys, im infatuated by the wandering thoughts of what i could do with and to you, but i never think of the normal things i usually rate in a partner..

Kindness, beliefs, interests, aspirations, how they spend their time, what they did before me.. 

What im asking is... does loving BDSM stop me having meaningful long term relationships?

Would my relationships last longer if it wasn't what made it so special?

[Deleted Member]

Flip it around the biggest reason relationships fail is lack of communication. In Safe successful kink communication is essential. Open and honest from the outset should ensure a good LTR with the right person

[Deleted Member]

I've been wrestling with the same dilemma.
I keep saying woman first Domme second to myself.
On a site like this, at least we already know we have kink in common. But I still think woman first Domme second.
Vanilla sites are different. I've met a few who really turn their nose up at kink when I jokingly hint at it and it's a turn off.
I've met a couple who liked kink and had no idea about the lifestyle. But they didn't look into for themselves after I tried to explain I didn't want to top from the bottom or they thought it was a way to get ***.
So with very few Dommes round my age to connect with I'm caught in the middle of these sites and vanilla sites. I don't know which way to turn.
Should I carry on with these sites for who knows how long in hope.....or go vanilla and hope for who knows how long to meet someone to grow something with.
Either way, I think woman first Domme second is the right way ......or is it?

[ey****]

I feel there is quite a tricky terrain sometimes.

Lot's of people *** finding an otherwise cool partner - who then just flat out 'nopes' at the concept of kink, or the dynamic you crave.

So then come into fetish communities and, this time, lead with the kinks, the fetishes or the dynamics - which some people find offputting

And finding a partner, in general, is difficult and then having more caveats makes it even more difficult - before we even get into balancing the approach.

 

I think though. Diversifying approach makes a difference.  So not just using online, but becoming known in a kink community - learning about people on and off line and building passive connections.  You already know they have a kink interest, but you can tailor focus more on what else you have in common.

[Ae****]

I think relationships are way more than sex. This is a great question. Enjoying your partner is important, but a good fulfilling relationship has sex as a pretty minor part of it. You can't fuck 24/7 all the way into your death beds 😂

[Deleted Member]

13 minutes ago, Aeonova said:

I think relationships are way more than sex. This is a great question. Enjoying your partner is important, but a good fulfilling relationship has sex as a pretty minor part of it. You can't fuck 24/7 all the way into your death beds 😂

I absolutely agree with that. Except that for many people BDSM is not just sex. It's a lot more. I don't miss sex anywhere near as much as I miss the power exchange, miss feeling submissive, miss rope on my skin.

[Deleted Member]

2 minutes ago, Dragonflylover said:

I absolutely agree with that. Except that for many people BDSM is not just sex. It's a lot more. I don't miss sex anywhere near as much as I miss the power exchange, miss feeling submissive, miss rope on my skin.

Being submissive is part of me. And being with someone who is dominant is much more than just sex and that's why it's pretty important for a LTR. But I'm not monogamous so I don't need everything from one relationship. It's still tricky. For me connection first always and I largely avoid vanilla sites because ... men who I connect with hair aren't there.

[ge****]

It's a great question and I guess goes hand in hand with "Could I give up kink completely if I met someone who ticked other boxes, just not the kink one?"

And until you can answer that question honestly and openly for yourself, the dilemma will continue.

For me, kink is something I can, and have, suppressed in the past and sometimes with ultimate regret - could I do so again? I'm not entirely sure, I certainly wrestle with the idea of doing so, but at the same time it's not all encompassing for me either.

I'm at an age now where sex is less important compared to finding someone to see the remains of my life out with in comfort and happiness, but at the same time the notion of not truly having an element of kink in my life is hard to fathom too.

[Leisa]

You’ve posted a thought provoking question and I’ve had to think about it all day before weighing in. I tried the strictly vanilla lifestyle and while it was good there was always something missing. It was when I tried introducing kink that he began too look at me differently and the relationship ended. Not necessarily by the kink but because of it. I’d waited too long to put into words what I found missing and once he knew it made him look at me differently and not in a positive way. I began to doubt that what I was missing was normal and then I realized that he only wanted the parts of me that he could show to the outside world. That my need to be in a mutually beneficial BDSM relationship was not his need as he had no interest. I’ve since learned to sprinkle those getting to know you conversations with my interests so I don’t invest into a relationship that will ultimately fail. While not immediately outright I think testing the waters early to gauge interest is mutually beneficial. I’m too old to waste time investing myself into a maybe

[PhantomFlogger]

9 hours ago, Aeonova said:

I think relationships are way more than sex. This is a great question. Enjoying your partner is important, but a good fulfilling relationship has sex as a pretty minor part of it. You can't fuck 24/7 all the way into your death beds 😂

BDSM isnt a sexual thing for me, i do agree with you though.

[PhantomFlogger]

I love your comments, just as much as i love asking these thought provoking questions.

I agree that communication is the highest priority, i also think sex is the highest form of communication.

I am well aware that more women want to sleep with me because of my reputation as a good Dom in the kink community rather than who i am as a partner in life, and if that is the foundation my relationships are built on, would they work without kink?

BDSM dynamics for me are one hell of an addictive drug, but im told Heroin is too, but i dont advise building a relationship around a mutual love of that either 😂

I dont know the answer to this question, but i do know i do love BDSM, and sometimes i think that blinds me.

[Ar****]

I think you should think about what is more important to you, bdsm or a vanilla relationship with love. You may find a partner with whom you may find both but generally speaking, the probability is very low.

So you can either go with a vanilla start, introduce and get them to experiment with kinks and wait for what happens or you can start with someone whose kinks match yours and try to see if you can have a relationship with them. 

In my previous relationship, though things didn't work out in the end, I evaluated my ex as a person first and bdsm partner second. Although I knew that our kinks were compatible, it doesn't mean that the relationship would be good so I focused on both aspects before making a decision to ask her about it and the relationship was good while it lasted. 

In sum, its up to you to decide what could lead you to happiness.  

[ge****]

22 minutes ago, Arcues said:

I think you should think about what is more important to you, bdsm or a vanilla relationship with love. You may find a partner with whom you may find both but generally speaking, the probability is very low.

So you can either go with a vanilla start, introduce and get them to experiment with kinks and wait for what happens or you can start with someone whose kinks match yours and try to see if you can have a relationship with them. 

In my previous relationship, though things didn't work out in the end, I evaluated my ex as a person first and bdsm partner second. Although I knew that our kinks were compatible, it doesn't mean that the relationship would be good so I focused on both aspects before making a decision to ask her about it and the relationship was good while it lasted. 

In sum, its up to you to decide what could lead you to happiness.  

Whilst you say the probability is low - it's no different really to finding someone with a shared interest of anything really whether that be liking the same band, enjoying knitting, or any number of other hobbies and interests - it all comes down to finding places where you can meet people with those interests, so in this instance using sites like this, attending kink related events etc can only increase your chances, and allow you to focus on the person first, knowing that the kink angle won't be a surprise.

Now I *know* other hobbies and interests may have a wider pool of people interested in them, but the principle is still the same.

[Ar****]

5 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

Whilst you say the probability is low - it's no different really to finding someone with a shared interest of anything really whether that be liking the same band, enjoying knitting, or any number of other hobbies and interests - it all comes down to finding places where you can meet people with those interests, so in this instance using sites like this, attending kink related events etc can only increase your chances, and allow you to focus on the person first, knowing that the kink angle won't be a surprise.

Now I *know* other hobbies and interests may have a wider pool of people interested in them, but the principle is still the same.

Thats true, the principle is the same. Its just a matter of approach.

[Deleted Member]

54 minutes ago, Arcues said:

I think you should think about what is more important to you, bdsm or a vanilla relationship with love. You may find a partner with whom you may find both but generally speaking, the probability is very low.

So you can either go with a vanilla start, introduce and get them to experiment with kinks and wait for what happens or you can start with someone whose kinks match yours and try to see if you can have a relationship with them. 

In my previous relationship, though things didn't work out in the end, I evaluated my ex as a person first and bdsm partner second. Although I knew that our kinks were compatible, it doesn't mean that the relationship would be good so I focused on both aspects before making a decision to ask her about it and the relationship was good while it lasted. 

In sum, its up to you to decide what could lead you to happiness.  

The approach of "find someone vanilla and see if they will experiment" doesn't work as a sub. I don't want to train someone to be dominant. They need to have made that journey already. And i know it's unlikely to find someone who is a soulmate and matches me sexually. They could be two different people.

[Deleted Member]

I spent 20 years in a marriage where she initially tried to indulge small elements of my kink, but ultimately I started to go outside. Do to other factors I ended my marriage. I am now with someone I met through a kink site, and we have an excellent loving relationship because we are both kink, and communicate. This open communication is why we are looking for another sub, where I am very open at the outset that I am in a 24/7 D/s dynamic. We find our relationship is stronger and better because we acknowledged who we were and what we wanted from the beginning. Yes it helped that we connected sexual as well as mentally.

[Ae****]

Don't know if this question is of use but: what's gonna happen to people heavily into kink, who feel they *need* kink, when they are, say 70 years old? What do they think will happen with their partner?

[Leisa]

10 minutes ago, Aeonova said:

Don't know if this question is of use but: what's gonna happen to people heavily into kink, who feel they *need* kink, when they are, say 70 years old? What do they think will happen with their partner?

There are different elements of BDSM besides the sexual kink side. I don’t think age should matter in the overall picture. I will still want my partner to be a strong Dom because those elements of the relationship will still what’s important.

[Deleted Member]

40 minutes ago, Aeonova said:

Don't know if this question is of use but: what's gonna happen to people heavily into kink, who feel they *need* kink, when they are, say 70 years old? What do they think will happen with their partner?

Why "need" kink? Do you not believe that people have a need for it? If it satisfies something for me (not purely sexual! at 51, why would it disappear at 61 or 71? I know people at least ten years older for whom the need is just as strong.

[Ae****]

People have a need, that's why they do it - the need won't necessarily disappear. I was wondering about the physical aspects. If the need can beb achieved mentally only, verbally etc, then there's no obstacle with age. If it required strong physical interaction, it would then become an unmet need. I'm guessing.

[ey****]

I know folk in their 70s who are very kink active. 

[Th****]

Excellent thoughts here on a vastly under rated topic , thank you for raising it @PhantomFlogger

I feel that although we may all be attracted to the kinky side, and yes it can be quite blinding at times. The real bones of the relationship grow out of those "boring" times. The vanilla times when you have dinner or a coffee. Then you find out how you both get along as people the rest of the time.

Let's face it the kink might be amazing but if you don't click the rest of the time it is going to be a nightmare.

As for which comes first, I find it easier to get the needs and wants aligned and then take time to see if you both get on as people. Though I am guessing the other way is as viable.

Personally I would hate to fall head over heels in love with a amazing person only to find that the BDSM world is totally off the books because that for me would be a deal breaker, and in that case a heartbreaker as well.

 

[Deleted Member]

On 11/5/2021 at 8:19 AM, PhantomFlogger said:

well aware that more women want to sleep with me because of my reputation as a good Dom in the kink community rather than who i am as a partner in life, and if that is the foundation my relationships are built on, would they work without kink?

This is the best indirect self appraisal ever! 😄 And at the same time the crux of the matter, right? Personally, I think it would be a dream come true to start off in a vanilla relationship, finding someone who you can share your link with AND want to accompany through life, through all their weird and wonderful developments and no matter what happens. Yes people can be active well into their 80s but some just won't, neither physically nor mentally. Where does that leave a relationship mainly built on kink? Perhaps @Dragonflylover is right. Why does there have to be that ONE person to fulfill it all? Just for a second imagine we'd all be able to let go of the idea that we can't love/adore/enjoy the company of more than one partner at a time? So many problems solved. If only it was so easy.. 😅

[itsVanessa]

Honestly finding this really interesting! Definitely a feast for thought. I'm new to the BDSM side of things, so I'm aware I can't speak much about it. But I do know that in a long-term relationship I'd want to be able to connect/understand my partner and have a great chemistry. I'm interested in kinks/fetishes so if we could explore it, that would be even better!

[Gordonwestcoast]

Great topic.  Kink doesn't ever go away for many and I've had many failed relationships that started vanilla and tried to add kink.  I think the chance of successfully starting vanilla and adding kink, especially anything hardcore, is small, so I think it's better to start with kink right from the beginning.