You Might Be Kinky If

November 12, 2021

Your wooden spoon has become lost in an alternate dimension. You sweat it used to be in the kitchen drawer but the celestial ether swallowed it. There’s literally no other explanation for its disappearance.

You spend your hikes cutting off the perfect bendy branch, then dumping it when you find a much more perfect bendy branch. Hike. Cut. Dump. Repeat

You can’t get that injection today because… er... because… your *** threshold is too high. Your jeans are permanently welded to your ass. Your butt ran off with the wooden spoon yesterday and you’ve yet to find either of them.

Your boyfriend tests his shampoo on his chest hairs before using it on his head.

Your boyfriend has three random bald patches on his chest, though you've no idea why. Maybe he’s using the wrong brand of shampoo. Maybe if he bought you That Perfect Dress the shampoo might decide to stop creating bald patches. Shampoo is snarky like that.

When you’re at the dentist, you think about last night’s sex as a coping mechanism.

Your buzzy toy is too important to be left out of your will.

So is your wooden spoon.

And that cane--um, you mean stick--you found on a hike once. Yep, that too.

You’re in marriage therapy with your belt because it had a traumatic year and isn’t capable of intimacy right now, which you totally understand, obviously, but sometimes you wonder if its really just too selfish to fulfil its side of the relationship.

You visit hardware stores during your lunch break. Hell, if your belt ever gets past its bullshit, you’ll probably get married in a hardware store.

When you hear the words “50 shades of grey,” you stab things.