Sex club invite. Nervous

[Vi****]

Hi, I joined here a few weeks ago and have been getting used to the layout and reading people's info, it's so interesting. I want to ge to know more about this area. Anyway I've always faced going to a sex club, I have been invited to one in a few weeks they have theme nights for fetish and bdsm. This one is swingers, single males and females. I had a friend who initially said she'd love to come. Now it's all gotten a bit too real and she's backed out.

I really want to go but I'm beyond anxious about going to a new place as a single female. Has anyone been to these places before alone, and how did you find it.

Thanks all x

[ge****]

Have been to a number of clubs albeit not alone, or unless I had arranged to meet someone there, and whilst each club is different in terms of layout, clientele etc the overwhelming majority are very welcoming, have etiquette guides in place, and staff who are helpful and there to keep an eye out for others.

They all usually have social areas that are no different from going to a regular bar really, and earlier in the evening tend to be where people gather to have a drink, chat and look to meet potential partners for the evening - there is, and should be, no pressure to do anything you don't want to unless you are comfortable to, so in a lot of respects clubs are far safer than going to a regular pick up joint in towns across the country.

Go along with an open mind, be prepared to chat and to say no and accept being told no, and you won't go far wrong.

Might also help to find out as much about the club you are thinking of going to in advance, what their facilities are, what their rules are etc and most clubs will offer a guided tour when you get there with someone who will provide reassurance and tell you about etiquette etc - may even be worth contacting the club in advance to let them know you are coming, are new and nervous so they can keep an eye out for you on the night.

One other thought, a lot of clubs run social only evenings for newbies, so may be worth checking for those.

Go along, have a great time and good luck 🙂

[Vi****]

Hi, thanks so much for all the info Gemini man. It's a place in Birmingham called The Private club, do you know it? I have been on there website and read all the etiquette guidelines, I do feel like it seems really safe, and have hostesses there too. I think like you say it's seems alot better then being hit on at a bar or club, as all the people there are like minded folk.
I've voiced my interest to a few Friends and they are all intrigued bar one who is just worried it'll be unsafe. But I've said to them it's all about being polite and asking permission. If I don't like it, I can just leave is what I'm thinking. But I'm excited to meet others who share in the same kinks.

[TheBookCollector]

@gemini_mans advice is spot on.

However It sounds like you are going to a specific swingers event, and these tend to differ from BDSM events. The main one being that Swingers events tend to have a greater emphasis on sex than BDSM events, so theres likely to be less BDSM equipment than at a BDSM club.

Also consent rules can sometimes.be subtly different between the two but this depends on the club.

Post ghe name.of the event or club and people.may be able.to give specifics about it.

[ge****]

2 hours ago, Vic1077 said:

Hi, thanks so much for all the info Gemini man. It's a place in Birmingham called The Private club, do you know it? I have been on there website and read all the etiquette guidelines, I do feel like it seems really safe, and have hostesses there too. I think like you say it's seems alot better then being hit on at a bar or club, as all the people there are like minded folk.
I've voiced my interest to a few Friends and they are all intrigued bar one who is just worried it'll be unsafe. But I've said to them it's all about being polite and asking permission. If I don't like it, I can just leave is what I'm thinking. But I'm excited to meet others who share in the same kinks.

I must confess it's not a club I've heard of - but having had a quick look at their website it does seem very similar to most other clubs in terms of both layout and etiquette etc.

And absolutely you can leave at any time if you're not comfortable.

I see they've got a link to Fabswingers on their site so it may be worth checking the review page there out for others perspectives.

I know someone who lives in Brum who may have heard of it, so will ask them and come back to you if they have.

[ge****]

As an additional point and picking up on what The Book Collector was saying, a lot may depend on what you are looking for too - if it's fetish related activity then it may be different from if you're looking for something more swinging related and then there are all kinds of flavours in between.

[ge****]

Also, you mentioned you'd been invited by someone, was that the friend who has subsequently pulled out, or someone else? If someone else are they still going? If so it's an additional safety net you can use, and there's nothing to stop you just enjoying the club together and not joining in with others - plenty of swingers go to clubs for the atmosphere and not necessarily to meet and play with others.

[DarkArts1066]

The Private Club in Aston has a good, positive reputation amongst many. I have been there myself once with a young black lady who wanted a chaperone for her first time… she wanted to watch and experience the atmosphere without having to worry about fighting guys off… and that was all I was there for really, just to make a few polite “no thank you’s” on her behalf.

As with all clubs, some of the online reviews may be questionable - there is no substitute for first hand experience over second hand information.
I would suggest, if at all possible, you take someone with you for your first visit. I am certain you would be fine on your own… but having someone else (Male or Female) with you, whom you know adds a level of relaxation and confidence to the environment.
Only word of caution… all clubs have different vibes on different days - at different times. I know one in Sussex where, if you go on a weekday lunchtime for example, you would potentially feel pressured by the number of single guys there looking for some quick relief … whereas in the evening, it’s predominantly couples, with one or two single guys perhaps, and much more chilled.

In Short, if you have ANY concerns, hold off until you can take a wingman or woman…

If you are happy to go with the flow - or reject the advances of more than one gentleman over the course of the evening, then crack on and have fun.

[PassionateAngel]

My advice is to find out if you ‘have to’ participate. If you do not it should be a good place for you to go to and explore, watch and absorb. Only then can you know if it is right for you and if you feel you are ready to join in.
If it is one where you have to participate and your anxious maybe wait until you find one where you don’t have to until you know it’s definitely your thing or not.
That’s what I’m looking into; places where I can go and watch and join in should I feel confident and contented to do so x

[MaddieShires]

3 hours ago, Vic1077 said:

Hi, thanks so much for all the info Gemini man. It's a place in Birmingham called The Private club, do you know it? I have been on there website and read all the etiquette guidelines, I do feel like it seems really safe, and have hostesses there too. I think like you say it's seems alot better then being hit on at a bar or club, as all the people there are like minded folk.
I've voiced my interest to a few Friends and they are all intrigued bar one who is just worried it'll be unsafe. But I've said to them it's all about being polite and asking permission. If I don't like it, I can just leave is what I'm thinking. But I'm excited to meet others who share in the same kinks.

Have utilised a club in Darleston quite a few times now. Attending as a single female is OK as people always ask before touching.. I recently joined 'The Private Club' had some lovely emails from the owners and must admit am quite excited about going. I will attend alone and see how it goes.

[ge****]

40 minutes ago, PassionateAngel said:

My advice is to find out if you ‘have to’ participate. If you do not it should be a good place for you to go to and explore, watch and absorb. Only then can you know if it is right for you and if you feel you are ready to join in.
If it is one where you have to participate and your anxious maybe wait until you find one where you don’t have to until you know it’s definitely your thing or not.
That’s what I’m looking into; places where I can go and watch and join in should I feel confident and contented to do so x

I'm not sure any clubs operate a policy where you "have to" participate and am pretty sure if they did they would go out of business fairly quickly - there may however be clubs and even individual nights where there is more "pressure" felt to participate but that is largely down to the clientele present than the clubs themselves, although some clubs can be quite lax on dealing with it when it happens and is reported, especially if the offender is a regular, but you can't *know* any of that in advance unfortunately

[Vi****]

Thanks so much all for your advice I really appreciate it, I did email them and they said it's no pressure at all to grt involved you can just watch. They have a bdam fetish night in a few weeks too in a Fri. Different themed nights but looks mostly like it's for swingers, but I don't mind. I think your right dark arts, I might wait for now and take along a wing man/woman so I'm not fretting so much. 😉

[ge****]

8 minutes ago, Vic1077 said:

Thanks so much all for your advice I really appreciate it, I did email them and they said it's no pressure at all to grt involved you can just watch. They have a bdam fetish night in a few weeks too in a Fri. Different themed nights but looks mostly like it's for swingers, but I don't mind. I think your right dark arts, I might wait for now and take along a wing man/woman so I'm not fretting so much. 😉

It's only natural to fret and be nervous ahead of your first visit - in fact I'd probably be more concerned if you weren't!!

I think the trouble is we all build this mental image of clubs being wild orgies wall to wall the moment you walk through the door - the reality is far removed from that in my experience, in fact in every club I've been to (four I think) the play areas are all separate from the social area that you first walk into, and it's no different than walking into a regular bar in that respect, just so happens you can move from the bar to the play areas, get naked and have sex there and then 🙂

[DarkArts1066]

Taking someone along gives you more options on the night - and increased safety. It’s a bit of a no brainer in my opinion. Wait until the time - and the person are right… you’ll have a better experience.

[Deleted Member]

I’m fairly local to you as just down the road in Coventry and like you I’m nervous about going to a club alone as I am fairly shy and introverted till I get to know people.

I would be willing to have a chat and possibly accompany you to a club if you want. Please feel free to message me and we can discuss this if you are interested.

[Stevecharlie07759]

You be fine there friendly people

[ey****]

I keep coming back to this thread torn between "just go for it" and "it might be easier if you went with a friend - as then there's at least someone to fall back on"

But... while consent is a big part of stuff - don't automatically assume everyone in attendance will have perfect behaviour.   

A couple of years ago there was a fetish night that was held at a swingers club.   A hire price was paid based on exclusive access.   However, a slight change of ownership and a decision the venue made that they would start to allow swingers in after a certain time.  And yeah, it'd be unfair to judge all swingers by the same brush - but there were guys not taking no from some of the ladies.  Following them around the club as a voyeur. Generally being a pest.  While I don't believe there was any non-consensual touching, it still made the women there feel uncomfortable.

I think the question here a little is... on the possibility this happened to you, do you feel comfortable enough to speak to someone to get the guy to fuck off?  

[TheBookCollector]

6 hours ago, Stevecharlie07759 said:

You be fine there friendly people

Everyones friendly until you say no to the wrong person or get someone who attends doesnt obey the house rules.

[DarkArts1066]

I have refrained so far on this thread from pushing any negatives, but eyemblacksheeps comment did just strike a nerve with me.
Unfortunately, most of us will encounter the ‘pushy people’ at some time or another, in the kink environments we choose to spend our time in.
They exist. No point shying away from that.

Some people find it difficult to say “no” in that environment… prederring to just go with the flow, and then regretting their actions at a later date.
That is NO way to enjoy the experience.

I know of one woman who was at a club, watching poem on a big screen, when a guy came up beside her and began touching her - which she enjoyed… to the point of climax actually.
She then went on to tell me that although she had only gone there to watch - because of his actions she felt duty bound to return the favour so to speak - which she then did.
She was full of regret afterwards saying that she hadn’t felt able to tell the guy to stop - or not to start in the first place, and therefore felt ‘locked into’ and action afterwards that she didn’t want to partake in.
If she had gone with a chaperone, that situation - and those feelings might have been avoided potentially?

One of the reasons on my view for taking a chaperone - or a wingman/woman along to an event, is quite simply to neutralise that situation or negate it entirely in some circumstances. I have, over the years now, escorted several women to events. With some I have had personal arrangements myself, and with others, nothing more than ensuring their safety and allowing them to watch - and/or experience the environment themselves.
I was thinking about this earlier, and cannot actually find a negative in taking a chaperone along - as long as they are chosen wisely !

No - you don’t want to be taking along your potentially jealous partner… but if you have had honest discussions with a partner or a close friend (I know one lady who takes her *** along to new events) - then they would be the ideal companion.
Someone who knows you, and how you respond to pleasant - or uncomfortable and difficult situations - and can therefore read your body language is the perfect option.

The key with all of this is being honest.

No good saying to your wing person
“ I want to go and just look”
- and then stepping into a playroom naked after half an hour of voyeurism for a session of debauchery with ten other people.

That was not the arrangement.
Better to say then that you are going to look - but with an open mind, and if you do decide you want to get involved, you will make your intentions clear at the time….

[ey****]

As a balance - I think most clubs will take any complaints you raise seriously and try to resolve problems - but it is sometimes about having the confidence and awareness in the moment to raise it.  

Also something to be aware of is tiered pricing.

I don't think there's ever a perfect solution here - but looking at the club you mentioned.  It seems to be single men often £60-£80 - couples £20-£30 - single ladies, free... and old saying here about if you're not the customer you're the product.

[DarkArts1066]

As a balance - I think most clubs will take any complaints you raise seriously and try to resolve problems - but it is sometimes about having the confidence and awareness in the moment to raise it.
Also something to be aware of is tiered pricing.
I don't think there's ever a perfect solution here - but looking at the club you mentioned. It seems to be single men often £60-£80 - couples £20-£30 - single ladies, free... and old saying here about if you're not the customer you're the product.

Absolutely agree with this 100%.
Many people put poor experiences down to inexperience and a lack of environmental understanding - which is definitely not the case. A reputable club or venue should always hear a logically presented complaint.

The comment “If you’re not the customer, you’re the product” spot on - in many people’s minds anyway. Always remember, we all have value, and deserve respect.
Communication is key.

[TheBookCollector]

Pricing shouldnt be a problem, you should have a price for singles regardless of their gender identity and one for couples.

The above pricing structure will make some single males think they are entitled to have whatever they want as theyve paid for the priviledge.

[ey****]

10 minutes ago, TheBookCollector said:

The above pricing structure will make some single males think they are entitled to have whatever they want as theyve paid for the priviledge.

Absolutely.

Whilst I don't know the best way to price - like - nobody wants a club that's just men walking around going "where are all the women"

And while a high price for single men is sometimes supposed to be off-putting, then - yeah - the question is sometimes "what do I get for this ***?" and the impression is... the single women who were let in for free

Some clubs do assorted pornstar parties which are sometimes more expensive again for single men - but - they are usually invited to be part of a bukkake and/or gangbang with said person.

[TheBookCollector]

4 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

Absolutely.

Whilst I don't know the best way to price - like - nobody wants a club that's just men walking around going "where are all the women"

And while a high price for single men is sometimes supposed to be off-putting, then - yeah - the question is sometimes "what do I get for this ***?" and the impression is... the single women who were let in for free

Some clubs do assorted pornstar parties which are sometimes more expensive again for single men - but - they are usually invited to be part of a bukkake and/or gangbang with said person.

There is no perfect solution, but i feel sorry for.those who do not identify as.the gender they where.born with as how can a male who identifies as a female pay?.never mind those who are non-binary.

[ey****]

7 minutes ago, TheBookCollector said:

There is no perfect solution, but i feel sorry for.those who do not identify as.the gender they where.born with as how can a male who identifies as a female pay?.never mind those who are non-binary.

yep - this then often pushes everyone into "penis" or "vagina" - but usually anyone trans or non-binary gets offered a "T-Birds" style event.