10 Bits of Advice for (new) subs

[ey****]

So. Dating scams are a big problem but nobody is immune.

Women, particularly older women, are the biggest target.

Obviously this is more in wider dating - within fetish dating there's a lot more 'quick wins' aimed at guys - that instead of taking an older woman out of a large chunk of savings, the amounts sought are smaller.

Dating scams in general are depressing.  Because by design they target people who are often older and lonely.  

Now. I will always have sympathy for anyone who scammed regardless of their demographic but there is a lot in there that is always important to learn from.  

One important thing is that - the amount of female Dominants and male subs is actually a lot closer ratio than a lot of people think.  You can often see this narrow a lot when getting involved in munches and events (and also, you can see people there are definitely real and not just a person following a script in another country) but despite this narrowing you can then see finding someone who is a good match for you is still difficult - which ties in with point 1.

Point 1 perhaps can be the most important here -  that it is difficult. It can be disheartening. You will be rejected.  Understanding this and being patient is vital.

[SapiosexualInReno]

Having only been on this site a month or so, and using it first and foremost to amass further knowledge to craft my journey, if I can’t learn from someone, even if it’s something small, the conversation stops and I say “thank you for your time.”
This online fetish-verse is difficult to maneuver through, but ultimately a vault of indispensable knowledge to be respectfully combed through and learned from.

[Deleted Member]

This is an excellent article and discussion. I remember going to my first munch in Chester. I kept an open mind, and one of the first things I noticed was there were plenty of monogamous couples. In fact, I think I was the only single person there! 😀

Long story cut short, I had a great time and I realized I would have to get to know people as a person before confessing to your kinks.

[Deleted Member]

Great advice @eyemblacksheep! Point 4 and 6 go hand in hand I believe. 

The moment I stop obsessing about the other person as a possible kink 'facilitator' and start becoming aware of the actual person, I can also start thinking about what I can do for them on a more personal level. I think what happens to a lot of new subs is this: we join a site like this one, are bombarded with messages that reduce us to our looks or willingness to submit and as a - admittedly not very clever - response start to do the same. Couple that with the almost unavoidable initial frenzy and you have the perfect self-obsessed, naive and unfortunately highly *** sub. 

I hope a lot of newbies will read this, but truth be told, I won't hold my breath that it will actually help them to not go through these strange first steps. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, however, and I for one really appreciate reading posts like this one and realise a) that I am not the only one who went down the strange rabbit hole in the beginning and b) how much I have grown and changed since then. 

[Deleted Member]

Excellent piece Eyem.

I'm a Domme and recently just returned to the site. I had forgotten how many messages my inbox gets. To be fair mostly I try to respond to with a polite "no thanks but good luck" but the challange to prove I'm real has come up much more than I'd like. Sometimes it's just easier to hit the no thanks message.

I think your article would help alot of newcomers who could maybe look at actually reading profiles to genuinely see if they're interested in Dommes and not just their pictures.

I would say the vast majority of messages I receive discuss my physical looks over my kinky interests. And follow up with these kind of people generally turns into a shopping list of what they want from me. I become a fantasy and cease to be a person.

Also couldn't agree more on weak profiles. It's hard to give time to tease out even the most basic of information and I'd imagine that many, like me, have no interest in engaging with potentially fruitless conversations.

A brilliantly written piece. 👍

[ge****]

4 hours ago, InThePink said:

Excellent piece Eyem.

I'm a Domme and recently just returned to the site. I had forgotten how many messages my inbox gets. To be fair mostly I try to respond to with a polite "no thanks but good luck" but the challange to prove I'm real has come up much more than I'd like. Sometimes it's just easier to hit the no thanks message.

I think your article would help alot of newcomers who could maybe look at actually reading profiles to genuinely see if they're interested in Dommes and not just their pictures.

I would say the vast majority of messages I receive discuss my physical looks over my kinky interests. And follow up with these kind of people generally turns into a shopping list of what they want from me. I become a fantasy and cease to be a person.

Also couldn't agree more on weak profiles. It's hard to give time to tease out even the most basic of information and I'd imagine that many, like me, have no interest in engaging with potentially fruitless conversations.

A brilliantly written piece. 👍

Sadly profile reading and writing is a skill many fail to acquire and yet is probably one of the most fundamental tools in any users box along with respectful and considerate communication.

And that applies to any site involving potential interaction with people with a view to intimate liaisons whether that be vanilla or kinky.

As you say too often people get as far as the pictures, find them sexually appealing and then fire a message off without further thought.

Likewise when it comes to their own profiles they think "looking for someone to dominate/dominate me" will have them flooding in.

In summary it comes down to one thing, effort - put some effort into your interactions and it won't guarantee a thing, but it will increase your chances of getting beyond a simple "thanks but no thanks"

[ey****]

5 hours ago, InThePink said:

I think your article would help alot of newcomers who could maybe look at actually reading profiles to genuinely see if they're interested in Dommes and not just their pictures.

I think this is the main thing I really want to drill a lot.

There's stuff that I am not saying is easy - but if a sub can look at somebody and say "ooh, you're interesting" and it be something other than photos or a couple of listed fetishes then they already boost their chances. 

I think we have not just profiles but extension into forums and chat - and a lot of the people who have interested me over time it's often been their posts which have had me interested because then it's not only just a block of text but also sharing experiences and perspectives which certainly helps with a fuller picture

[ge****]

1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I think this is the main thing I really want to drill a lot.

There's stuff that I am not saying is easy - but if a sub can look at somebody and say "ooh, you're interesting" and it be something other than photos or a couple of listed fetishes then they already boost their chances. 

I think we have not just profiles but extension into forums and chat - and a lot of the people who have interested me over time it's often been their posts which have had me interested because then it's not only just a block of text but also sharing experiences and perspectives which certainly helps with a fuller picture

The forums and chat rooms are oft overlooked on sites like this as a way to get to know people and interact with them and yet they are far easier ways of doing so than blindly sending messages - in six years of being on the swinging site I was on I sent precisely 6 blind messages in my early days there, and although I got replies to all but one of them, I didn't meet any of them - yet through being active on the forums I made many friends, and met numerous people.

Now the forums here are somewhat quieter but the same principle applies

[vitbloo]

Thank you, this is an amazing article!

[Chloebear]

Really good post, I’ll be referring people to it from chat, you cover loads of the main points here. Getting a generic ‘I want you to Domme me’ message is second only to a fet pickup.

[CherryP]

Absolutely spot on!  I'm going direct future subs to this post and hopefully it will help educate them. 
 

The amount of messages I get treating me as a kink dispenser of using honorifics without consent is just shocking. 

[Submissy]

This is helpful as I'm a bit apprehensive about some of these issues you have raised and want to feel safe using this service. Thank you for taking the time to give this advice :)