Plus size & a Domme: Overcoming body shame

[Deleted Member]

Good evening I hope I’ve posted this in the right thread. I am a plus size woman with little body confidence. My former beautiful Mistress, who cared and trained me for 5 months, boosted my confidence when I was with her and helped me to discover the joys of topping. I find that now she has released me – although I am excited – I am also very nervous about showing my body to potential playmates. My clothing size is an 18-20 and my body has been a vessel to my ***. I find there are certain body expectations for a Domme which I don’t have. Does anyone else feel this way or have previously felt this way? I am eager to hear from anyone about how they overcame their body confidence hurdle. 

[whenwetalklikethis]

Please just believe in yourself xx

[ge****]

Lack of confidence of any kind can be a hurdle to overcome, and most of the time it's a personal and self-perception thing, even though it may have initially been caused by the actions of others - either way it becomes a personal battle, and no matter how much others tell you that they don't see you how you perceive yourself, until you believe them for yourself finding that confidence is a struggle.

There are aspects of my life and my physicality that I struggle with confidence over, and which to an extent are holding me back, but at the same time I also know that with finding the right partner that they really won't matter. Trouble is it becomes a vicious circle of not looking to find that right partner because of the lack of confidence.

The thing is though, there are people who won't be in the slightest bit bothered by things like size, or other physical characteristics or abilities etc and who do look for the person/personality first and I guess to an extent you just have to keep telling yourself that and believing it - know how hard that is though, and feel for you - there is no simple answer to the question of confidence, other than finding a modicum of it by biting the bullet and building on it from there, which again I know isn't easy.

Sorry that has probably not answered your question, but know you're not alone, most people struggle with confidence over some aspect of their life at some point in their lives.

[Cletus1991]

Sometimes a plus size domme is just right :p xx

[Je****]

I am plus size. 16-18 but much like youve stated... a vessel of childbirth has ruined my figure (tummy) and i often feel this ruins the 'look'. From how it effects my confidence and self esteem.. to how i can wear clothes/garments and what i assume others will see or focus on.. because i do.
I try every day to tell myself.. well it's all i have and may as well just embrace it.
I get the good nature of people saying "be yourself" or "plus size is great".. that still doesnt help how we see ourselves tbh.
But as i said.. just embrace what you have, and find a way of being that suits you and your clothing style. Youll have your own unique domming style aswell and confidence can come from the mind and how we portray our selves. And confidence is sexy so i hear.
;)

One day at a time xxx

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, gemini_man said:

Lack of confidence of any kind can be a hurdle to overcome, and most of the time it's a personal and self-perception thing, even though it may have initially been caused by the actions of others - either way it becomes a personal battle, and no matter how much others tell you that they don't see you how you perceive yourself, until you believe them for yourself finding that confidence is a struggle.

There are aspects of my life and my physicality that I struggle with confidence over, and which to an extent are holding me back, but at the same time I also know that with finding the right partner that they really won't matter. Trouble is it becomes a vicious circle of not looking to find that right partner because of the lack of confidence.

The thing is though, there are people who won't be in the slightest bit bothered by things like size, or other physical characteristics or abilities etc and who do look for the person/personality first and I guess to an extent you just have to keep telling yourself that and believing it - know how hard that is though, and feel for you - there is no simple answer to the question of confidence, other than finding a modicum of it by biting the bullet and building on it from there, which again I know isn't easy.

Sorry that has probably not answered your question, but know you're not alone, most people struggle with confidence over some aspect of their life at some point in their lives.

It most certainly has become a vicious cycle. Thank you for taking time to respond  x

[Deleted Member]

41 minutes ago, JenniferTP said:

I am plus size. 16-18 but much like youve stated... a vessel of childbirth has ruined my figure (tummy) and i often feel this ruins the 'look'. From how it effects my confidence and self esteem.. to how i can wear clothes/garments and what i assume others will see or focus on.. because i do.
I try every day to tell myself.. well it's all i have and may as well just embrace it.
I get the good nature of people saying "be yourself" or "plus size is great".. that still doesnt help how we see ourselves tbh.
But as i said.. just embrace what you have, and find a way of being that suits you and your clothing style. Youll have your own unique domming style aswell and confidence can come from the mind and how we portray our selves. And confidence is sexy so i hear.


One day at a time xxx

Thank you, you’re right of course, confidence is sexy xxx

[li****]

Took me years to accept my body after my ex told me I would never find anyone else because to him I was "fat" and I was a size 10/12 back then. He chipped away at my confidence over the years I end up putting lots of weight on......so I ending up becoming a size 20/22 throughout the time I was with him, so when I finally got the courage to leave him my body confidence was totally shot to pieces. I ended up with an eating disorder because I wanted to be "thin" again, so for years I had a bad relationship with food. So over the years my weight has fluctuated then I got help for my eating disorder and was finally at a place where I was happy. 

I then met my Sir and he gave me so much confidence and has never told me I need to change and now I have so much body confidence that yeah I have my bad days like everyone but I've learned to love my body finally. 

 

Yeah I may never been a 10/12 again but you know what I don't wanna be back there, I'm happy with my body and I'm not afraid to show it off ( as you can tell by my millions of photos on here lol ) but I think like @JenniferTP says just embrace what you have, find clothes that suit your shape, take photos to help with confidence, over time you'll see what suits you and what doesn't. 

Edited December 13, 2021 by lil-monster

[Deleted Member]

11 minutes ago, lil-monster said:

Took me years to accept my body after my ex told me I would never find anyone else because to him I was "fat" and I was a size 10/12 back then. He chipped away at my confidence over the years I end up putting lots of weight on......so I ending up becoming a size 20/22 throughout the time I was with him, so when I finally got the courage to leave him my body confidence was totally shot to pieces. I ended up with an eating disorder because I wanted to be "thin" again, so for years I had a bad relationship with food. So over the years my weight has fluctuated then I got help for my eating disorder and was finally at a place where I was happy. 

I then met my Sir and he gave me so much confidence and has never told me I need to change and now I have so much body confidence that yeah I have my bad days like everyone but I've learned to love my body finally. 

 

Yeah I may never been a 10/12 again but you know what I don't wanna be back there, I'm happy with my body and I'm not afraid to show it off ( as you can tell by my millions of photos on here lol ) but I think like @JenniferTP says just embrace what you have, find clothes that suit your shape, take photos to help with confidence, over time you'll see what suits you and what doesn't. 

I am so sorry to hear what you went through. Thank you for sharing how far you have come, with your confidence. Xxx

[Deleted Member]

6 hours ago, lil-monster said:

Took me years to accept my body after my ex told me I would never find anyone else because to him I was "fat" and I was a size 10/12 back then. He chipped away at my confidence over the years I end up putting lots of weight on......so I ending up becoming a size 20/22 throughout the time I was with him, so when I finally got the courage to leave him my body confidence was totally shot to pieces. I ended up with an eating disorder because I wanted to be "thin" again, so for years I had a bad relationship with food. So over the years my weight has fluctuated then I got help for my eating disorder and was finally at a place where I was happy. 

I then met my Sir and he gave me so much confidence and has never told me I need to change and now I have so much body confidence that yeah I have my bad days like everyone but I've learned to love my body finally. 

 

Yeah I may never been a 10/12 again but you know what I don't wanna be back there, I'm happy with my body and I'm not afraid to show it off ( as you can tell by my millions of photos on here lol ) but I think like @JenniferTP says just embrace what you have, find clothes that suit your shape, take photos to help with confidence, over time you'll see what suits you and what doesn't. 

Love your confidence, it oozes out whilst reading this. I’m thinking of going to see someone to help me with my body issues. As always @lil-monster thank you so much for sharing x

[Charms]

@Redrider you will.meet the person who is in a crowded room an only notices you.

 

I was with my x who would say I'm fat an disabled an no 1 would want me.

 

Then I fount my master who is amazing as given me so much confidence.  Although I'm even more ill  than when we started. He is still by my side an as told me that's were hes staying.

I did laugth when my x said please take me back pick me not your partner. 

I said no obviously. That Justin biber song comes to mind my momma don't like you she likes every 1. She hated my x. She's never liked any 1 iv been with but likes my master. Even invites him to family things. Were as xs she'd go charms are you comeing. I'd have to ask to bring my partners.

 

I'm s size 16 to 18. But I buy alot of alternative clothes were I'm a xxx

[Deleted Member]

The only expectations are set by you. If you aren't what someone is looking for then they can politely move on. Dont pull your self down, there are people out there for whom you will be absolutely perfect. 

It saddens me that so many women are hung up about size and looks and all of the above. The female form is a beautiful beautiful thing in all shapes and sizes, it should be worshipped. You my friend are a Goddess but you need to accept that before anyone else will! 

 

[Je****]

I have always had wide hips and a big butt... I was always a size smaller up top than I was down bottom. It made me feel so out of proportion ,"good child baring hips" is all I used to hear when I complained about being heavy.

Years of depression and isolation as well as having multiple ***... my body didn't thank me for it. I am still larger on the bottom (18) and smaller up top (16) but it really kills my confidence if I go to other shops and the sizes don't fit well... or the perfect sizes make me look bulgey. Like (charms said) above, we are the same size but also I wear mostly baggy stuff or alternative styles. 

I have a LOT of photos on this site. I post them as I spend time taking pictures of myself in different clothes and poses, to help me feel good about me (as well as practise my photography). It really has helped me a lot. Is this something you would try?

Saying that, I do always state that I am a BBW (big bottom woman) and I get SO many people telling me I am not. I'm like dude wtf, I know I am, compared to the average I am heavy as... But, I am not upset about it *as* much as I use to be. My thing is just to never, ever let anyone tell me I'm not fat, because as sad as this will sound, I *** they'll be disappointed when they see me and realise I *am* heavier. But I have also found that most people on here don't judge a heavier figure, some even prefer it and embrace the wibble!

Try even just wearing some more "dommey" outfits and things can really help you feel the part. They can boost you when you have taken a picture in some clothes that you feel you pulled off really well.. You don't even need to act on it, just simply sit in the clothes on your own and feel fucking glamorous! 

Now, I am confident enough to go out in corsets or skirts even! I'm still not there with the bare skin (without tights for example) but I am making some attempts to put behind me, the years of self neglect, name calling and redicule that I've suffered previously.

Those people and things are behind me and shouldn't come into the equation when working on how I feel about myself. I hope you can move past this and if you ever need a chat my inbox is open. Don't ever feel that you're not worth anything, ugly, unwanted, or lesser than anyone/thing else, no matter what size you are, you are you and that unique <3

[Charms]

Jen iv meet u an ubr dam perfect sn give awesome hugs

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, JenniferTP said:

I have always had wide hips and a big butt... I was always a size smaller up top than I was down bottom. It made me feel so out of proportion ,"good child baring hips" is all I used to hear when I complained about being heavy.

Years of depression and isolation as well as having multiple ***... my body didn't thank me for it. I am still larger on the bottom (18) and smaller up top (16) but it really kills my confidence if I go to other shops and the sizes don't fit well... or the perfect sizes make me look bulgey. Like (charms said) above, we are the same size but also I wear mostly baggy stuff or alternative styles. 

I have a LOT of photos on this site. I post them as I spend time taking pictures of myself in different clothes and poses, to help me feel good about me (as well as practise my photography). It really has helped me a lot. Is this something you would try?

Saying that, I do always state that I am a BBW (big bottom woman) and I get SO many people telling me I am not. I'm like dude wtf, I know I am, compared to the average I am heavy as... But, I am not upset about it *as* much as I use to be. My thing is just to never, ever let anyone tell me I'm not fat, because as sad as this will sound, I *** they'll be disappointed when they see me and realise I *am* heavier. But I have also found that most people on here don't judge a heavier figure, some even prefer it and embrace the wibble!

Try even just wearing some more "dommey" outfits and things can really help you feel the part. They can boost you when you have taken a picture in some clothes that you feel you pulled off really well.. You don't even need to act on it, just simply sit in the clothes on your own and feel fucking glamorous! 

Now, I am confident enough to go out in corsets or skirts even! I'm still not there with the bare skin (without tights for example) but I am making some attempts to put behind me, the years of self neglect, name calling and redicule that I've suffered previously.

Those people and things are behind me and shouldn't come into the equation when working on how I feel about myself. I hope you can move past this and if you ever need a chat my inbox is open. Don't ever feel that you're not worth anything, ugly, unwanted, or lesser than anyone/thing else, no matter what size you are, you are you and that unique <3

Thank you Jennifer, I’m not very kind to myself when taking photos but if it has helped so many of you build your confidence, I think I will start there. You are beautiful by the way, thank you for your kind words and advice xxx

[li****]

I agree with the taking photos it's what helped me with my confidence. 

[Deleted Member]

I wish there was more acceptance for women that are plus-sized, not everyone in bdsm community is as welcoming & accepting as they claim to be and i'm fed up with being fat-shamed, slut-shamed or kink-shamed.

[VILKDUJA]

With things such as this any advice given is often a case of "easier said than done" We all do well to remember that it is a deeply flawed society that has given rise to ridiculous preconceptions of what is "sexy" or not; what is "beautiful" or not; what is "acceptable" or not & boy does it pressure us to adhere to it everywhere we turn & does it not mess with our minds. We need to do our best to stop letting our minds bully our bodies. I am an art lover & I recommend taking a look at some of the works of Rubens & Botticelli, done centuries before society started to inflict it's misconceptions upon us.

[Wi****]

19 hours ago, JenniferTP said:

I am plus size. 16-18 but much like youve stated... a vessel of childbirth has ruined my figure (tummy) and i often feel this ruins the 'look'. From how it effects my confidence and self esteem.. to how i can wear clothes/garments and what i assume others will see or focus on.. because i do.
I try every day to tell myself.. well it's all i have and may as well just embrace it.
I get the good nature of people saying "be yourself" or "plus size is great".. that still doesnt help how we see ourselves tbh.
But as i said.. just embrace what you have, and find a way of being that suits you and your clothing style. Youll have your own unique domming style aswell and confidence can come from the mind and how we portray our selves. And confidence is sexy so i hear.
;)

One day at a time xxx

I think your beautiful jen. 

[Deleted Member]

Sorry ladies your tiny in comparisson to me, I rock in at a size 28-32 (depending on which clothing brand I am wearing), and being curvy, ample however you wish to describe me, is a blessing for me when it comes to some types of play and wearing fetish clothing, latex, catsuits etc. To be honest, coming into BDSM gave me body confidence that I can never hope to achieve in the vanilla world, in BDSM my curves are not seen as a hindrance, they are worshipped and adored. At the end of the day D/s and M/s is about my mind, my ability, my skills and my confidence as a Domme/Mistress to control, tease, play and get the best out the sub or slave I am with.

I can appreciate being new to the scene and as a new Domme being hesitant to show your body to a prospective playmate, it is nerve racking, I know I have been there, done that, and I wont lie it does take confidence to do it. From experience the more you explore your Dominance and the more you settle into your new found power, you will worry less about what someone will think of your physicality and more on how you can Dominate them. Remember at the end of the day as the Domme you make the rules on what you wear and how you wear it, I have met Dommes/Mistresses who play with their sub/slave in their pyjamas, jeans & t-shirt, are latex clad from head to toe, or simply wear a nice bra & knickers. It is not about what you wear, what you look like, it is about confidence, expressing power and showing others who is boss, and in so doing, your sub or slave will love you for it.

I wish you @Redrider every success in your journey as a Domme, and in finding your power and confidence, embrace who you are, and if someone else has an issue, do as I do just give them a good smack with a riding crop, its highly the***utic and so satisfying.

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, MistressMK said:

Sorry ladies your tiny in comparisson to me, I rock in at a size 28-32 (depending on which clothing brand I am wearing), and being curvy, ample however you wish to describe me, is a blessing for me when it comes to some types of play and wearing fetish clothing, latex, catsuits etc. To be honest, coming into BDSM gave me body confidence that I can never hope to achieve in the vanilla world, in BDSM my curves are not seen as a hindrance, they are worshipped and adored. At the end of the day D/s and M/s is about my mind, my ability, my skills and my confidence as a Domme/Mistress to control, tease, play and get the best out the sub or slave I am with.

I can appreciate being new to the scene and as a new Domme being hesitant to show your body to a prospective playmate, it is nerve racking, I know I have been there, done that, and I wont lie it does take confidence to do it. From experience the more you explore your Dominance and the more you settle into your new found power, you will worry less about what someone will think of your physicality and more on how you can Dominate them. Remember at the end of the day as the Domme you make the rules on what you wear and how you wear it, I have met Dommes/Mistresses who play with their sub/slave in their pyjamas, jeans & t-shirt, are latex clad from head to toe, or simply wear a nice bra & knickers. It is not about what you wear, what you look like, it is about confidence, expressing power and showing others who is boss, and in so doing, your sub or slave will love you for it.

I wish you @Redrider every success in your journey as a Domme, and in finding your power and confidence, embrace who you are, and if someone else has an issue, do as I do just give them a good smack with a riding crop, its highly the***utic and so satisfying.

You are incredible! Thank you 

[BigPolly]

Ok for me my simple answer to this & always has been ‘if someone doesn’t like the way I look, then don’t look at me!’

Not everyone is going to find everyone attractive, I don’t like everyone I look at & I don’t expect everyone who looks at me to find me gorgeous but that’s ok as that’s human nature.

At a size 20 I know I’m gorgeous! Yes I wobble & have bits that hang & stick out & bits I don’t like but so what, I’m Human & I’m beautiful. I am big & sexy, I feel amazing to squeeze, I have fantastic tits & I can rock any basque! Some might find me hideous & that’s absolutely fine, they don’t have to look at me, it’s not rocket science. I’m not going to spend my life being something others want me to to be. I’m going to look in the mirror & adore what’s looking back at me.

When someone is with you they’re not going to be looking to criticise what you look like, they’re with you for wonderful amazing YOU so relish in that but before you do just spend some time looking at yourself & playing with yourself & learning to appreciate how beautiful you really are 

[Deleted Member]

@BigPolly I hear what your saying and I agree . For me though I don’t feel comfortable with myself so I need to feel that before I would be confident anyone could find me sexy. Also if someone said they find large ladies more sexy , I still would not feel comfortable as I’m not comfortable with me. 

You are super sexy and I’m envious of how comfortable and confident and happy with yourself you are. And I am of anyone that is comfortable, confident with themselves. I will get there one day as I’m determined xxx

[li****]

1 hour ago, Tay458 said:

@BigPolly I hear what your saying and I agree . For me though I don’t feel comfortable with myself so I need to feel that before I would be confident anyone could find me sexy. Also if someone said they find large ladies more sexy , I still would not feel comfortable as I’m not comfortable with me. 

You are super sexy and I’m envious of how comfortable and confident and happy with yourself you are. And I am of anyone that is comfortable, confident with themselves. I will get there one day as I’m determined xxx

This......!!!! This reminds me of myself all those years ago. You'll get there Hun I believe it. I was never ever confident and even when people would say you have the perfect figure or you don't need to change your body. But for me it was all mental because I'd be told for years I was no good, so I had to beileve it myself before I could even accept a compliment. 

Its great to read that you're determined as like I was to finally be able to love my body.

[Deleted Member]

@lil-monster thank you so much x