How To Not Trust

[Deleted Member]

There are so many resources and discussions centred around learning how to trust others after you’ve been hurt; how to break down your own walls and open up to new people to let them in…

 

It makes sense that when you’re hurt and you’ve been betrayed you would build up walls to shut people out, even at the risk of missing out on a good person or worthwhile relationship once in a while.

 

That is not my problem. I have lost count of how many times I have opened up to someone and they have thrown it in my face, used me, or gone behind my back and used it to try to tear me down in the eyes of others. So many times, I dust myself off, say I’ve learned my lesson, and keep moving forward… and keep making the same mistake.

 

I try to be a good person and build others up wherever possible. But these knives in my back are starting to itch. I don’t want to let the people who have hurt me win and change who I am, but I need to build up some walls to protect my heart and my sanity

Got any bricks?

[Dustykat]

I have a few of titanium bricks/ very good for wall 🍭🧚‍♀️

[ge****]

It's difficult to comment objectively without knowing specifics of the situation, but if it keeps happening, and with unconnected individuals then perhaps it is time to adjust on your side, not necessarily by changing who you are, but perhaps by changing "how" you are.

Keep the things that are being used against you back until you know you can trust someone with that information, be wary and keep your guard up to an extent - that way it can't be used against you, obviously it may depend on what those things are, but it's worth considering to protect yourself.

[Deleted Member]

43 minutes ago, Dustykat said:

I have a few of titanium bricks/ very good for wall 🍭🧚‍♀️

If not for building… I can think of another use 😂🙏🏻

[Deleted Member]

Gypsy, love the topic. Creating boundaries are a very healthy way of saying, hey these things are off limits, some boundaries can be unspoken, in a dynamic you can discuss what those boundaries are in some detail, it’s always up to you to share the extent, but I also tend to over share, and have been learning to pull back that sharing at front end.
Building walls or seeing someone walls built are an indication of trauma, or triggers, they need to be respected.
Inside your walls, make sure you have a garden where your mind and heart can be safe and feel safe.

[Dustykat]

49 minutes ago, gypsyking said:

If not for building… I can think of another use 😂🙏🏻

If not for walls you could always throw them at someone ❄️☃️❄️🍭🧚🏻‍♀️

[Deleted Member]

21 minutes ago, Feral_MountianKing said:

Gypsy, love the topic. Creating boundaries are a very healthy way of saying, hey these things are off limits, some boundaries can be unspoken, in a dynamic you can discuss what those boundaries are in some detail, it’s always up to you to share the extent, but I also tend to over share, and have been learning to pull back that sharing at front end.
Building walls or seeing someone walls built are an indication of trauma, or triggers, they need to be respected.
Inside your walls, make sure you have a garden where your mind and heart can be safe and feel safe.

Wow, Feral, that last part really spoke to me. You’re right, it doesn’t have to be cold and stone behind the walls. The boundary just has to be safe enough that the garden can grow. Thank you so much.

[Deleted Member]

Thanks for sharing that !

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, gemini_man said:

It's difficult to comment objectively without knowing specifics of the situation, but if it keeps happening, and with unconnected individuals then perhaps it is time to adjust on your side, not necessarily by changing who you are, but perhaps by changing "how" you are.

Keep the things that are being used against you back until you know you can trust someone with that information, be wary and keep your guard up to an extent - that way it can't be used against you, obviously it may depend on what those things are, but it's worth considering to protect yourself.

It’s not a single specific situation, it’s more of a pattern of behaviour that needs to change so your advice is spot on. That is the challenge, being wary, keeping up a guard, that is just so difficult and feels like letting the people who’ve hurt me win. Thank for taking the time to comment.

[Wo****]

@gypsyking,respect for acknowledging your own feelings and mental health. I have no " bricks " for you, but would recommend a fine double glazed window . Mine is double 'glazed with radical honesty and full disclosure! It provides for interesting perspectives on dynamics between people. The untrustworthy may look in, and hopefully exclude themselves with their own selfish biases. By this same window I have found some great friends( a first in my life!) , and upon unlocking this 'window' the fresh 'air of understanding'. Sending big tribeVibes , and advising take your time over pointing the brick work😉🙏

[Deleted Member]

😘

[Deleted Member]

Thanks for all the sharing on this thread. I will endeavour to do my best to be an honest and unselfish sub. I think there is a lot of pressure on Doms/Dommes to deliver according to a sub’s personality and needs. I am looking forward to be able to have an open relationship.

[Deleted Member]

Try counseling?

[ge****]

1 hour ago, gypsyking said:

It’s not a single specific situation, it’s more of a pattern of behaviour that needs to change so your advice is spot on. That is the challenge, being wary, keeping up a guard, that is just so difficult and feels like letting the people who’ve hurt me win. Thank for taking the time to comment.

Think of it not as "letting them win" more taking something away from them to protect yourself so they can't win.

If you're being true to yourself and respectful and considerate of others, those that seek to do you harm don't "win" they get pushed aside and become a thing of the past.

[Pe****]

I know the feeling!

[Deleted Member]

I read your profile @kaycie and took note of your comment on wannabe Dommes and I honestly think it applies to me. I will put myself down as a sub and gain that experience before I think of ever being a Dom. Change of my profile needed !

[we****]

I really empathise with this. I too have to keep picking myself up, but so far, fingers crossed, I have always managed to do it. Don’t give up x

[Deleted Member]

I am in this position and feel the same about not putting walls up. Because when you start doing that, you block out the good too. But I am sick of being used and ghosted and taken advantage of. I am trying to be more assertive at the start when I talk to someone - about my boundaries. And not over sharing, being more careful about what I reveal. Good luck.

[ol****]

My only advice, apart from building walls, is to go slowly. Time has a great knack of sorting the wheat from the chaf and demonstrating who is and who is not worthy of trust.

[Deleted Member]

I have really appreciated hearing from the wiser and more experienced than me. I would say the best things in life are often worth waiting for. With patience we won’t rush into the wrong situation .

[Deleted Member]

I was only discussing this with a friend recently. How to dive in with someone without completly exposing myself. It's something I've really only learned to change a little in the last year. My nature is such that I'm either completly guarded or completly open.

Slowing down seems to help me though. Taking the time to learn more about the other person and try to keep my level of sharing and openness in line with theirs. I let them lead how vulnurable we become. This applies to any type of relationship that I experience as an adult. Helps keep those back knife itches from feeling too one sided. 

[Je****]

I know this feeling.

 

I am soooooooooo guarded it's scary. It would be easier to break into Buckingham, and stick a goose in the Queen's bed, than connect with me at the moment. 

I have been burnt bad by past relationships, or even attempts at them in recent times. Each one pops another padlock on my door. There's about 20 of them up at the moment. A person for me, must unlock one by one before I will consider them (same I expect to have to occasionally get through someone else's locks to connect with them, works both ways). If there is one whiff of a flag or potential upset for me, I quite simply bail on the situation. 

Too many times I have taken the leap of faith to persue something/one and it has just shit on me. Or if someone encourages me it goes wrong then I feel shit within myself, and as if I am letting that person down too. 

So I now have very strict rules for myself. For future endevours as well as a very, very specific type which I would rarely divert from. 

I have been hurt and broken and ***d too much as I kept falling into the same pattern. But now, my walls protect me. They enable me to keep a safe distance and see what is in front of me. Gives me time to assess and process my surroundings and situation so I can make a conscious decision on what to do next. 

However. That being said, I am a firm believer in something/one if they are meant to be, they will be. No matter how guarded you are, no matter how much you push them away, they will naturally creep into your life and show you some people are good. Somethings are worth it. And they can and will support you with your traumas without judgement. Those people are rare, but they do exist. If having walls works for you, keep them up. But don't lose sight of the world by having them TOO high xxx

 

Edited December 21, 2021 by JenniferTP

[Mmmay]

Walls and boundaries are much different. A wall gives power to others. A boundary is standing in your own power.

[Phoenyx]

Maybe, it isn't so much about using those "bricks" to build a wall.  Maybe, it's more about reinforcing your inner foundation.  Take stock of the things that make you, you!  Gain pride and confidence in your interests, hobbies, etc.  Find the ways that best express who you are.  Try to ignore the toxicity that comes from society.  The more you can relax and be yourself, the more good folks will gravitate toward you.  Bad folks will sense your inner strength, and stay away.  Focus less on projecting an image, and more on who you want to be, deep inside.  Try to clear society's ***r pressure, toxicity, and brainwashing from your innermost self.

A classic example often comes from one's taste in music.  Everyone's taste is different, and no two are the same.  Yet, even the closest of friends will gripe at each other over tastes in music.  How often have you heard, "You listen to crap!"  Consider this: Their music often sounds just as crappy to you!  The only correct answer is, "To each his own!"

I know, this just sounds like a lot of words.  Or, "Easy for you to say!"  Don't try to *** a change.  Simply remember these words, and allow them to filter to your innermost layers.   Eventually, there will come a moment of Eureka!

I hope that this helps.

[Sir-Taz]

It's sad that you feel this way jen but just remember you have friends x