Building a foundation

[Deleted Member]

We’ve all seen it, people swept away in a new romantic relationship or dynamic, ignoring any and all the red flags.
We’ve even discussed it in the lobby, for which I’m very grateful for the insight of everyone.
I’m a builder and a rock climber. And I have often related building things upon those real life experiences I have had with work and building relationships with people in general, and building up those dynamics and relationships.
I have said you can’t hang the rafters before you pour the concrete foundations.
But in reality, there is so much prep work before you even get to the point where you can pour the foundations.
A building starts with an idea, a scrap of paper, an drawing on a napkin, it then get developed into a sketch, then developed into plans with many engineers looking at every aspect from the very dirt itself to the final structure before it built, then permits are filed and a construction crew is chosen. It doesn’t end there, the construction crew develop their plans to execute the drawings and the building and ask many many in depth questions, will this work, or will that work, what about the budget, are their ways to improve the building, etc. And then.. they begin building.. not the trusses, not the roof first, but the very dirt the entire building will sit on, it has to be right, or the building will fall, crack, break. It will become dangerous.
In entering a relationship or dynamic, is your (or mine) thoughts, emotional, psychological ready? Have I done the research on myself, and completed the hard work to be able to pour the foundations of a relationship? Have I spent the time on myself that if I was to be alone suddenly, I would be okay?
In this fast paced world where instant gratification seems to be rampant, time spent on oneself seems to have been forgotten and pushed to the side.
I’m not suggesting that there can’t be windfall romance, or that sex is to be shunned. Sex is important for the development of a balanced person in my opinion.
I’m suggesting the slowing down of things when you think they are going too fast, and the work of development of yourself as an individual first.
Everyone, at their core, is a beautiful thing, individually inspiring. Work on yourself to become something even better… for who?
For the most important person to you… yourself, you deserve it.

[Deleted Member]

Well this hits hard..! And is exactly where I am right now, thank you for sharing x

[Pr****]

Wish I could put words down as well as you can.

[Je****]

Unpopular opinion but....

I don't trust anyone who gets with someone within a week of knowing them and gives full trust over their life, soul and body. I feel its very wreckless and I take on the worries of what-if even with people I don't know. (I know I shouldn't do this).

I think with time comes trust and with trust comes time. Anyone who rushes just throws up the balancing beams on a rickety fence that's waiting to topple. There should always be a time limit to gaining or earning trust. It is not one to specifically say.. oh 6 wks 4 day... but at least something more than a week... for me anyway. 

 

That's how good relationships, dynamics and friendships come about. Time and trust. A good foundation that evolved along with the rest. And when it's blooming you have something amazing to show for it.

I enjoyed the Lobby conversations today, you made some valid points and thanks for this topic also xx

[Dustykat]

That is amazing how you describe and articulate your feelings  and some of us need can learn from it 🍭🧚🏻‍♀️

[Deleted Member]

18 minutes ago, JenniferTP said:

Unpopular opinion but....

I don't trust anyone who gets with someone within a week of knowing them and gives full trust over their life, soul and body. I feel its very wreckless and I take on the worries of what-if even with people I don't know. (I know I shouldn't do this).

I think with time comes trust and with trust comes time. Anyone who rushes just throws up the balancing beams on a rickety fence that's waiting to topple. There should always be a time limit to gaining or earning trust. It is not one to specifically say.. oh 6 wks 4 day... but at least something more than a week... for me anyway. 

 

That's how good relationships, dynamics and friendships come about. Time and trust. A good foundation that evolved along with the rest. And when it's blooming you have something amazing to show for it.

I enjoyed the Lobby conversations today, you made some valid points and thanks for this topic also xx

It is unpopular though?
I don’t think it should be, except the film industry selling the good instant feelings for so long. They met, it was magic, they lived happily ever after.
I don’t know of a time frame that would suit every individual, and every start of a relationship. Six weeks, one year, shit 17 years? I’d leave that up to the individuals, and caution that s***d doesn’t win the race, because there is no race.

I do know that working on oneself before being open to that start of a dynamic or relationship is very important.
Personally it has taken time to heal, alone time, focused time on making myself as good as I can, humbling myself to know that I don’t know anything, and then always reminding myself that everyone has a valid point if you dig far enough into what they are stating, (even if I disagree with that point).
I like the rickety fence and beam imagery, that really brings home the main point, for me.

[Deleted Member]

13 minutes ago, Dustykat said:

That is amazing how you describe and articulate your feelings  and some of us need can learn from it 🍭🧚🏻‍♀️

Thank you, I appreciate your feedback! 🥰

[Deleted Member]

31 minutes ago, Elegantrose said:

Well this hits hard..! And is exactly where I am right now, thank you for sharing x

Life is difficult, and then we make it more complicated then it has to be.. I know I do.
Thank you for your response, and I hope the best for you!

[Deleted Member]

32 minutes ago, Mrgoodtime124 said:

Wish I could put words down as well as you can.

They are just thoughts, and feeling mostly. It makes me ***, but in that *** state I find I can be honest with myself

[ey****]

it's funny (but also not funny) the in a kinda era of instagratification and hook-up culture (which is often overstated, to be fair) how much in kink and BDSM remains fairly... that to work best there definitely needs to be something built on

(not to say hook ups can't happen and can't be fun - but there is a world of difference between meeting someone at  a club and deciding to play together - and even creating a scene with someone you have rapport with.   And of course, dynamics take time to work and don't just happen)

I still think this is something which people always have to consider when looking for a partner.  Your dynamic is unlikely to just slot into place - make sure it's someone you want a dynamic with first.

[im****]

Thank you. This helped remind me that even though I am new in this realm I am just as important and valuable as everyone else. You and the current Dom I am getting to know are saying the same things. My previous person did not and I was even more new and became very confused and hurt. I have so fed learned even more about myself in regards to this exploration. Wish you well.

[Fishbicycle]

Perfectly said!! 👏🏻

[ge****]

That's a great and powerfully put analogy and one that is so true, both generally and personally - we've all been there where we've dived into relationships because they seem just perfect "in the moment", only to discover down the line that there were fundamental differences that had been overlooked or not seen because we were focused on the positives and not looking for the negatives, and of course sometimes by then it's too late, or we don't have the strength to back away.

Then of course there are sites like this one, where the fantasy often blurs the reality for some and they lose sight of the fact that actually they're dealing with a complete stranger behind a keyboard who could be just about anyone, and yet place complete trust that they are who they say they are.

That said, whatever the situation, there does come a time where you have to take that step and get involved, and place some trust in your own instincts, but you have to do so being prepared for the worst but expecting the best - and that can be a tricky balance to find a times.

[Deleted Member]

22 hours ago, imalluring said:

Thank you. This helped remind me that even though I am new in this realm I am just as important and valuable as everyone else. You and the current Dom I am getting to know are saying the same things. My previous person did not and I was even more new and became very confused and hurt. I have so fed learned even more about myself in regards to this exploration. Wish you well.

Thank you for your comment.

[Deleted Member]

16 hours ago, gemini_man said:

That's a great and powerfully put analogy and one that is so true, both generally and personally - we've all been there where we've dived into relationships because they seem just perfect "in the moment", only to discover down the line that there were fundamental differences that had been overlooked or not seen because we were focused on the positives and not looking for the negatives, and of course sometimes by then it's too late, or we don't have the strength to back away.

Then of course there are sites like this one, where the fantasy often blurs the reality for some and they lose sight of the fact that actually they're dealing with a complete stranger behind a keyboard who could be just about anyone, and yet place complete trust that they are who they say they are.

That said, whatever the situation, there does come a time where you have to take that step and get involved, and place some trust in your own instincts, but you have to do so being prepared for the worst but expecting the best - and that can be a tricky balance to find a times.

I agree. I think that in the preparation of yourself, before starting that search for another, this is the time to grow become self aware.
I could be wrong, but I believe that by doing so you limit exposure to the in the moment let’s hang the drywall before installing the studs.
I think self awareness allows you to identify your tendencies, recognize those behavioral choices that lead to certain good or bad consequences.
Once you can make the link from tendencies to the consequences, you now have the power within to make that choice that leads you to the right consequence.
Essentially, you know yourself well enough, that you can lead yourself.

[Fe****]

Wish I’d read that 8 months ago. Wise words and I still need to remember them✊.shot no 25 yrs ago 😂

[ey****]

Something which is kinda relevant and a quote I might use

there was a quote from Alice in Bondageland last night who summed up something - which was, well, she was particularly talking about male subs - but male subs that want instant dynamics are like catnip for scammers.

[Deleted Member]

Thanks for this. It made for some very poignant reading for me at this moment in my life. I just came out of a whirl wind relationship 3 months ago. Early on there were some red flags, *** attempts excessive drinking and really inappropriate comments in-front of friends. But there was so much good stiff or so it seemed I ignored it the bad and thought we could get past it. 6 months in she became violent and and manipulative. then later I found out that she had been sectioned 5 years before and she suffer d from a serious personality disorder. A year and half later the whole house came crashing down, police were involved looking at her for ***, criminal damage, stalking and harassment, she had weaved webs of lies amongst our friends and much of my life turned up side down as a result. I now find my self in shock really. I feel so relieved to be out of it but still have this unexplainable draw to her (something I certainly won’t be acting on) and exactly as you say , struggling to dedicate time to my self.

[na****]

Coming from the construction world I really like how you described this. I’m definitely the type to rush things and I’m working on fixing that through therapy. I appreciate the insight into the lifestyle as I’m new to it and mostly hoping to learn from those who have been there and done that for a while now and successfully making relationships work. It seems a strong foundation of trust would be essential for this lifestyle.

[Deleted Member]

Ahh this post is beautiful! I am trying to find the unique balance in… “I am in love with you” but will be fine without you. When I adopt this attitude, I am often accused of being the “guy” in the relationship or of not caring enough.
I do myself wonder if it is possible for me to get to that place of the ultimate surrender /love but still maintain that I’ll be fine without you. This is tricky for me because I would love to love and lose my self in love, “surrender” so to speak but can’t seem to fully because I have to maintain the “I will be fine without you”
I am wondering if any one has struggled with this and please feel free to share any literature.

[Deleted Member]

5 hours ago, novicesubbbw said:

Ahh this post is beautiful! I am trying to find the unique balance in… “I am in love with you” but will be fine without you. When I adopt this attitude, I am often accused of being the “guy” in the relationship or of not caring enough.
I do myself wonder if it is possible for me to get to that place of the ultimate surrender /love but still maintain that I’ll be fine without you. This is tricky for me because I would love to love and lose my self in love, “surrender” so to speak but can’t seem to fully because I have to maintain the “I will be fine without you”
I am wondering if any one has struggled with this and please feel free to share any literature.

I think often modern day tells us we have to be strong individuals and don’t depend on others, etc. The independent woman is sexy, as shown in the latest ________.
There’s a book called “Attached: the new science of adult attachment” in the book it describes many differing types of attachment styles, how to recognize your attachment style, and recognize those around you. As far as the losing yourself to love.. there is a theory in the book called the dependency paradox. It’s quite interesting and I even wrote a little article about how I define the dependency paradox.

I would first suggest that before focusing on losing yourself to love, that you first look inward and take a serious self evaluation, become self aware. This is a very difficult journey, and it sometimes tears the very fabric of what or who you think you are. I know it did for me.
Good luck!

[Deleted Member]

December 24, 2021, natural-bridge140 said:

Coming from the construction world I really like how you described this. I’m definitely the type to rush things and I’m working on fixing that through therapy. I appreciate the insight into the lifestyle as I’m new to it and mostly hoping to learn from those who have been there and done that for a while now and successfully making relationships work. It seems a strong foundation of trust would be essential for this lifestyle.

I’m not in a dynamic or relationship. I’ve had struggles finding that person(s) for me. but just as you know about prepping the soil and getting ready to place the concrete, and then stopping to wait for a design change… that’s where I am.
I have ideas of what I am. I’ve spent time figuring out what that looks like. I’ve even prepared the soil for the foundations, life changed for me.
So I called the architect and the engineers and side this building needs to look like this and I’m okay waiting until I have found that perfect design. I know once I get the plans it won’t be perfect, there will be a lot of effort to look at the drawing ask questions, that just the very beginning.
But the key is .. the soil is prepared.
You are going through therapy, that is a perfect way to prep that soil and prepare for a building.

[Deleted Member]

December 24, 2021, TopToBottom247 said:

Thanks for this. It made for some very poignant reading for me at this moment in my life. I just came out of a whirl wind relationship 3 months ago. Early on there were some red flags, *** attempts excessive drinking and really inappropriate comments in-front of friends. But there was so much good stiff or so it seemed I ignored it the bad and thought we could get past it. 6 months in she became violent and and manipulative. then later I found out that she had been sectioned 5 years before and she suffer d from a serious personality disorder. A year and half later the whole house came crashing down, police were involved looking at her for ***, criminal damage, stalking and harassment, she had weaved webs of lies amongst our friends and much of my life turned up side down as a result. I now find my self in shock really. I feel so relieved to be out of it but still have this unexplainable draw to her (something I certainly won’t be acting on) and exactly as you say , struggling to dedicate time to my self.

Sounds like a huge amount of relief walking away from something like that.
Keep strong and find ways to improve yourself.
When a construction firm has a horrible project.. the smart thing to do is go through a lessons learned process and write down all the things that could have gone better from all sides. I think we as individuals an do the same thing when we are done with a relationship.. it takes brutal honesty to do this, and you have to find and dig deep to find the things you did wrong as well.

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, Feral_MountianKing said:

I think often modern day tells us we have to be strong individuals and don’t depend on others, etc. The independent woman is sexy, as shown in the latest ________.
There’s a book called “Attached: the new science of adult attachment” in the book it describes many differing types of attachment styles, how to recognize your attachment style, and recognize those around you. As far as the losing yourself to love.. there is a theory in the book called the dependency paradox. It’s quite interesting and I even wrote a little article about how I define the dependency paradox.

I would first suggest that before focusing on losing yourself to love, that you first look inward and take a serious self evaluation, become self aware. This is a very difficult journey, and it sometimes tears the very fabric of what or who you think you are. I know it did for me.
Good luck!

Being a strong independent woman is important to me because It allows me to trust myself and rely on myself not because it’s popular.
Knowing yourself is key I’ve done the work I know how mind bending that can be. I just don’t know how to deal with or be in love as the person I am now. In the past it’s literally meant disappearing into “serving” my partner but I don’t think I can disappear at this point. Maybe “love” doesn’t fit at this point in my life .Thank you for the book recommendations will check them out.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, novicesubbbw said:

Being a strong independent woman is important to me because It allows me to trust myself and rely on myself not because it’s popular.
Knowing yourself is key I’ve done the work I know how mind bending that can be. I just don’t know how to deal with or be in love as the person I am now. In the past it’s literally meant disappearing into “serving” my partner but I don’t think I can disappear at this point. Maybe “love” doesn’t fit at this point in my life .Thank you for the book recommendations will check them out.

The dependency paradox is

“Researchers Amir Levine and Rachel Heller found that far from being separate entities, couples actually form one physiological unit. Their partners regulate their *** pressure, hormones, and heart rate. You have a significant impact on each other, even on a biological level.”
“Having a partner who supports you gives you the safe, stable background that allows you to pursue your dreams and maximize your potential.”

Jean Huber